Sorry for the slightly late reply, but, well, this is basically
the first chance I've had to get back to you on it. Working and
having to wrench your internal clock 12 hours in about a day
tends to do that to you. 
(yes, I'm complaining, but I like to complain, so no need to
feel pity, or sympathy, or anything like that. Feel free to
point and laugh if you want, however....)

At 12:15 AM 6/8/98 EDT, ShortYes@aol.com wrote:

This was inspired by When there were two by Matthew Lewis

er, technically I called it When Ranma Was Two....
(although actually When There Were Two, or And Then There Were Two,
or something similar, would actually make a pretty good title)

Ranma 1/2 : Twin Chapter One
Created by Long Ngo
Started June 7, 1998

* * * * *

     "Getting slow Oyaji!"  Ranma shouted down at his his father, as he
knocked him off the bamboo pole.  

Double "his" here. "Ranma shouted down at his his father...."
							    ^^^

     *Splash*

     Tensing for a counter attack, Ranma was stunned as a panda leaped from
same pool which he had knocked his father in earlier.  

     Seeing that his son's guards were down, Genma took the opportunity to

Shouldn't that be "...son's guard was down..." (change from plural to
singular)?

teach Ranma a lesson by knocking him off the bamboo pole he was standing on,
not realizing the white and black fur on his arms.

     Throughout this exchange, the guide was trying frantically to stop his
two employers but was too late was he saw both father and son had landed in
two of Jyusenkyou's pool.  Steeling himself, the guide walked towards the
father and sons.  

     "What happened to my clothes?" a very naked Ranma shouted.

     The boy sitting next to Ranma was the same wearing a red shirt and
pants, "I seem to be wearing it."  Turning his attention from the naked Ranma
to the guide, "What just happened?" the second Ranma asked calmly.  

     "Ah big sir, you fall in Shonmaoniichuan.  Very tragic story of big
panda who drown in spring  2000 years ago." the guide started, "Now whoever
fall in spring take shape of panda.  Young sir, you fall in
Shuanshontsuniichuan.  Very tragic story of twin who drown in spring 1500
years ago.    Whoever fall in spring become twins.

* * * * *
A few months later 
 
* * * * *
     A young man, wearing a blue Chinese shirt and black pant, was

fighting a

huge panda in the rain.  "I'm going back to China, Oyaji!" the young man
shouted.  Behind the panda was another young man who looked identical to the
first boy who was fighting the panda except he was wearing a red shirt.

     Sighing, "Don't you want to see Okaasan, Ranma?" the red shirt young

man

asked.

     "Yes, but we already have a fiancee in China and I do not want another
one."  the blue shirted youngman replied.

     Clearing his throat, "You have a fiancee, I do not."

     "Why not?  You could've beaten anyone of those Amazons."  the red shirt
young man was still confused as to why his double did not find any of the
local Amazon attractive.

     The panda had stopped at this point and waited for the two young men to
finish talking.  He had found out the hard way that getting in between of a
verbal fight between the two was a bad idea.    

     "I would like someone a little smarter and kinder, thank you!"

     "Are you saying that my fiancee is dumb?"

     "No, she is a bit too affectionate for my taste and everyone else is to
violent."  *Or ugly,* the red shirt young man thought with a shutter,
remembering the massive Amazon who looked more like a guy than a girl.  "Why
don't you head back to China without me?"

     "You know why!  Oyaji is going to splash hot water on you and I'll
disappear!"  Staring daggers at the panda.  "That was the only reason he was
able to get me out of China in the first place."

A fairly major point where your and my version differ, actually. The two
Ranma's
already have developed slightly different personalities, and think of
themselves
as discreet individuals (or, perhaps had started off that way, which, now
that I
consider it, is probably what happened).
	I point this out because as long as Genma has one Ranma, the one Ranma can 
fulfill the promise (and the one who wants Shampoo could have stayed in
China, once
the true nature of the situation is realised). Then again, depending on how
the 
curse works, this might be unfeasible (sp?) for Genma (if, for example
whichever
Ranma splashed with hot water is the one who stays), and/or he wants to
hedge his
bets (having one Ranma as a "back-up" in case one of the engagements
doesn't work
out).
	I feel better for having worked out that possible snag.... :)

* * * * *
     "Bringing Ranmas, Genma." Soun read.  *Ranmas?  Must be a misprint.*
Soun thought before the full impact of the postcard hit him.  *Ranma is
coming!* "Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane come here!  I have joyous news." 

     A few moments later, everyone around the Tendou Training Hall could

hear

a very familar shout.  "A Fiancee!!!"

     "Yes!  If one of you were to marry him then you would be able to carry
on the Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu and unite our two families."

     "Then I hope he's older than me.  Young men bore me."  Kasumi

commented.

She knew that unlike the last arranged marriage attempt, this one was real
enough.  

Oho! Future plot point? I ask, because there's been no reference to Tendo
trying
to arrange other marriages in the anime/manga, to my knowledge.

     "Is he cute?  What's he like?"  Nabiki asked.

     "Don't we get a say in this," Akane demanded. 

Should probably change the punctuation from a comma to a question mark, as
Akane
sounds like she's asking a question (for that matter, you should probably
change
 "Akane demanded" then to something liked "Akane asked indignantly").

     
     "I do not know.  Never meet the young man." Soun replied.  

Never met. Wrong tense used.

     All three Tendous were suddenly interrupted by a loud commotion at the
entrance to their home.  Nabiki, remembering the postcard and the supposed
arrival of Tousan's friend and his son, shot to her feet and ran to the door.
Seconds later, Soun and Akane could see Nabiki running back through the hall
with a look of fright upon her face.  Following the fleeing Tendou was a

large

panda carrying an uncooperative passenger upon its shoulder, followed by a
young man.  Upon facing the Tendous the huge panda deposited its struggling
luggage.

      Looking at their new guest, Nabiki could tell instantly that both boys
were twins.  Looking at Soun, "Are these friends of yours Tousan?" Nabiki
asked.

      Turning his attention away from the huge panda, Soun unable to say
anything due to the shock of the unexpected arrival of their three guests,
could only shake his head vigorously. 

      After a few moments the boys stepped forward,  "I'm Saotome Ranma,
sorry about this," they spoke simutaneously.

... stepped forward. They said, "I'm Saotome Ranma. Sorry about this," 
simultaneously.
	(would be a better way to say it. There are, of course, various
other ways one could use)

     *Two Ranmas?,* Nabiki thought.  "At least they are handsome," she
exclaimed.  

     "You're both Ranma?" Kasumi asked.

     Akane didn't care.

     The tension, broken by Ranmas' statement, shook Soun out of his daze as
he gave both Ranmas a joyous hug.  Now after so long, the Saotome and Tendou
clan would soon be united.  *I never knew Genma had twins,* Soun wondered but
was still too happy to care.  "Where is your father?"

* * * * *
     "Hot but boiling," Genma shouted at Ranma (Blue Shirt).

er, shouldn't that be "not" instead of "but"?

     "That's what you get for dragging me away from my fiancee!"

     "What is this Genma about Ranma having a fiancee?"  Soun asked a little
angrily.

     "Ah..Soun my friend, I have two sons."  Pointing at Ranma (Red Shirt),
"He doesn't have a fiancee yet."  Calming Soun down.

You need to say who's doing the talking and pointing. Something like:

Pointing at Ranma (Red shirt), Genma said, "He doesn't have a fiancee yet," 
calming Soun down.

(also note the change of punctuation with regards to "calming Soun down" 
which was, at best, an incomplete sentence.

     "Why don't you tell him the truth Oyaji?"  Ranma asked (Red Shirt).
Seeing as how their father was not going to talk, "We're cursed like Oyaji
here," Ranma explained.  We fell into Shuanshontsuniichuan, the spring of
drown twin."

    To demontrastre, Ranma (Blue) poured the rest of the water onto his

head.

demonstrate

He suddenly disappeared and the kettle fell tot he floor.   

er, to the, not tot he.

            
     Nabiki could see the other Ranma swaying a bit.  "Are you okay?"

Might be better to say "remaining Ranma" as opposed to "other Ranma," as 
"other Ranma" sounds like there are still more than one of him around.

     "Try having two weeks of memories suddenly appearing inside your head
and tell me if I'm okay."

     "Are you interested in a little match?" Akane interjected.  She wanted
to steer the conversation away from the subject of marriage.  

	Shruging his shoulder, "Why not? Be a nice change of pace, from fighting
myself." Ranma replied.  Ranma stood up, slightly wobbly from the change.
Nabiki helped 
steady him.  

	"Which way to the dojo?" he asked.

	"Follow me," answered Akane curtly.

	"This could be interesting," mused Nabiki.

To be continued :      

	A couple of typos, but nothing major, and nothing that really detracted
from the story. Definitely going in a different direction that mine (which is,
of course, as it should be). I look forward to see how you develop the idea.


Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis is:
Maybeso on IRC
Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
Not quite right in the head, if you know what I mean
Member of:
FFML, FFIRCML, El Hazard ML
	maybeso@ican.net
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