Author's notes:
This, my good friends, is actually a two-year-old fanfic series. During
that time, (when EVA was relatively unknown) many an
American/Australian/Asian cousin or sister/brother of
Ranma/Ryoga/Keiichi/Mamoru traveled to Japan. There they kicked the crap
out of the main characters and won over the girl/boy of their dreams, most
often Nabiki/Ukyo/Skuld/Ami/Ryoga, some eventually having lemon scenes with
them and, occasionally, marrying them, out of love or unexpected pregnancy.
Kinda like that Croft fellow.
You could just see the fantasies in the author's head as wish-fulfillment
became public. Sometimes, the writers even went the length of bringing his
whole gang in. You know who you are.
I knew how I felt about that, but simply ranting to the list seemed wrong.
And so, this fic was born. (Actually, this fic was born during that AND a
drunken binge in front of Scriviner's PC.)
With the resurgence of the gratuitous SI fic, I wondered to myself if the
issues I brought up still applied today.
Oh, yes. One more thing. After I stopped writing this series (stalled), I
began to rant directly on the list. Not very healthy. I have a feeling a
new chapter of this fic will be out VERY SOON...
But anyway, on with the show.
=====
Gratuitous Self
PART 1:
---
Takezo sat in front of his PC, eager to write down a ton of
ideas coming from his so-called and self-proclaimed creative mind.
Actually, what happened was this; Takezo, a relative newbie at
anime, watched several episodes of Ranma and wondered what it would be
like to be a part of that reality.
Mistaking these random daydreams for an original idea, he set
about writing a story where he would be the silent yet powerful type
lurking around among the unnoticed students of Furinkan High.
---
An excerpt from 'Turning Road' by Musashi Takezo
...I'm too late to save her, thought Ranma frantically as he
dove to catch Nabiki from falling from the school balcony. She had
been caught in the crossfire of a deadly duel between Ranma and Ryoga,
and was accidentally pushed off the balcony.
"NOOO!!! Somebody catch her!!!"
Suddenly, from the crowd watching below, a shadowy figure,
almost a blur, leapt up and caught the falling Nabiki.
Their eyes met.
Nabiki's breath caught in her throat. Who was this knight in
shining armor that came to save her? "Who...?"
"Shhh," the figure replied. He gently set her down on the
ground.
He didn't look all that different from the average male Japanese
high school student. He was in the usual school uniform, and didn't
look all that dashingly handsome...except...except that he exuded a
quiet sort of power that one wouldn't notice at first glance.
"Um...", started Nabiki.
"Yes? What is it?"
"May I know your name?"
"It's Takezo. Musashi Takezo."
Nabiki could only look in awe as the mysterious and powerful
Takezo leaped into the air and disappeared in a blur...
---
"It's perfect!", exclaimed Takezo as he finished writing. He
immediately sent it off to all of his friends, and also on the fanfic
mailing list, eager to share his daydream with the rest of the otaku
world.
His friends, being the friends that they were, simply said that
the fanfic was 'a good start' and that he should keep at it, although
they began to talk about his delusions behind his back.
The fanfic mailing list, however, was not as kind.
"Nabiki is out of character! Ranma is out of character! Ryoga is
out of character! The whole damn fanfic is out of character!"
"Except Kuno. He's still an idiot. How convenient for Takezo,
eh?"
"Drivel. 'Nuff said."
"The word 'feh' comes to mind...and feh isn't even a word!"
"If I had a dime for every fanfic like this ever posted on this
mailing list....."
Takezo was crushed. How could his masterpiece come under so much
criticism from the mailing list? His friends said they liked his
fanfic, so at first he couldn't understand why everyone on the list
hated it. Then he thought of how people don't appreciate writing
'before its time'. Then he thought everyone was just jealous because
he and Nabiki hit it off so well.
Finally, a kind (relativistically speaking, of course) soul on
the list told him bluntly what he had to do.
"Something has to set it apart from all the other fanfics."
Okay. Fine then.
---
...Nabiki stared in shock.
Takezo was gone.
In his place was a cold, dripping wet, and miserable talking
car.
"Now you know my secret," the car said. "You know my deepest
darkest secret. That I really am.....KITT."
---
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!", said the now irritated relatively
kind soul.
"So what did you mean?"
"I meant that the whole damn thing's too self-glorifying!"
"Really? In what way?"
"Argh..."
After one hundred and twenty-six clues, Takezo finally got what
the relatively kind soul meant.
---
Nabiki sneered at the pathetic wimp before her. "What a total
loser you are. You can't fight, you're not cute, you take me out to
this cheap pizza place, and now you don't bring any money to pay for
the tab?! What did you expect, that I'D pay for it?"
"Yes, my queen, you are right, I am but a sniveling fool under
the sole of your lovely shoe..."
"You're damn right I'm right! If I DO pay for you, will you
become my personal slave?"
"Yes, mistress, anything you say...."
---
"Hmm," thought the relatively kind soul. "That's an interesting
spin on the story."
"But I don't feel right about writing this way. I mean, this is
myself I'm making a fool out of."
"If it works...."
"No! I won't have it!"
"Calm down, Takezo. She doesn't have to treat you like dirt, you
know. Just don't glorify yourself too much."
"But...But I need a hook for the story, like you said."
"You'll think of something."
---
Takezo and Nabiki were walking to school together when Nabiki
noticed something in the sky, and, like she always did, deftly avoided
potential trouble without telling the people around her. Consequently,
Takezo never saw what hit him.
Takezo climbed out of the tangled mess of cords and fabric, as
did another person. Takezo pointed his finger at the newcomer and
said, "Just who the hell are you, anyway?!"
The newcomer simply smiled, combed his hair, dusted himself off
and said, "My name...
"...is Shutaro Mendou."
---
"What do you mean, I have to change it?! What is it this time?!"
The relatively kind soul replied, "Oh, it's a bit better, this
time, except..."
"Except what?!"
"Except Timerunner's already doing the 'Mendou comes to
Furinkan' bit."
(At this point, the writer of this story about an writer writing
the story is growing tired of typing 'relatively kind soul' over and
over again, so, for the purpose of KISS [Keeping it simple, stupid],
the story will now refer to the 'relatively kind soul' as Bob.)
Finally, Bob (creative name, huh) and Takezo decided on a fairly
simple premise for the story, one that would not overly glorify the
main character (who, by some strange coincidence, was also named
Takezo) and would not have people act out of character ("NABIKI DOES
NOT FAWN OVER ANYONE!!!). Bob's advice was...
True, the story was not going to please everybody, but hey,
that's the number one rule when it comes to writing fanfics (or any
story, for that matter).
You can never please everybody.
---
[Final Version of 'Turning Road]
"No way!"
In Furinkan High's study hall, a discussion of sorts between two
friends was taking place.
"Yes way. Nabiki Tendo's conned yet another hapless infatuated
young fool."
"No way!"
"I kid you not, Takezo. She did the old 'date 'em and bleed 'em'
again. It was poor Masanori this time. He'll be up to his elbows in
dishwater for the rest of his life."
"No way!"
"Hellooooo! Is there an echo in this room?"
---
Either that, Bob thought as he read this part, or the writer's
gotten into a rut.
---
"But...Takeshi..."
"Look, Takezo, buddy. I'm just warning you. I don't appreciate
you calling me a liar."
"I'm not saying that you're lying, Takeshi, it's just that you
might simply be mistaken about..."
"...About that conniving bitch? I don't think so, Takezo."
"You take that back!"
"What? You mean my calling her a 'bitch'? Why?"
"I said take it back!", shouted Takezo as he swung at Takeshi.
"Whoa whoa whoa! Take it easy! Don't tell me you have a thing
for that b...that girl!"
"So what if I do, huh?!"
By this time, everybody in the room were listening in on the
conversation, although they tried their best not to show it.
"Akane, they're talking about your sister."
"It figures. She went on another date last night."
"Probably bled the guy for all he was worth, and then some."
Honestly, thought Akane. I wish for once Nabiki would be
more discreet about her extortion rackets. True, we'd all be starving
at the dojo if it weren't for her, Dad having no stable income and
all, but...
"Captain Kuno, I think they're talking about Nabiki Tendo again.
---
Takezo checked his e-mail for C&C, and slapped his forehead when
he read one reply asking why someone was calling Kuno 'Captain'.
"Excuse me," he said, although no one else was around at the time,
"does ANYBODY pay attention to details anymore? Captain of the Kendo
Club. He-loooo! Anyone home in there?"
---
"And what sort of misdeed has that cursed woman done on this
occasion?"
"Um, she went on another date, Captain."
"Oh, the poor fool. I can sympathize with him. The Kuno family
would probably be twice as rich as it is right now if it wasn't for
that wench. By the way..."
"Yes, Captain?"
"...What about the treasurer for our club?"
"Masanori, sir? He's the one Miss Tendo dated last night.
He....kind of embezzled our club funds to pay for some of his debts."
"NOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!"
"Hey Ranma! Your fianc�e's sister claimed another victim last
night."
"Do I look like I care?"
---
Bob met Takezo on RanmaMUCK to give him some advice.
"Whether or not the protagonist ends up with whomever is
immaterial to the story, really."
"WHAT?! Then what's the point of the story?!"
"The point of the story is...the reader's interest must be
maintained. One way to do that is this...the reader has to identify
with the characters. For example, if you're so hell-bent on making
your character hit on Nabiki..."
"Well, excuse me."
"...The reader should have a reason for rooting for him.
Otherwise, you fall into the trap of writing just another self-
gratifying fanfic that didn't entertain anyone but the writer."
"Come to think of it," Takezo said, "Most of them are like that.
Probably just written so that the writer could vent off on someone
other that himself. I admit, I started this thing probably to do just
that. But now that I think about it, you're right. The story is what's
important."
---
Takeshi rubbed the side of his jaw where Takezo slugged him for
calling Nabiki something that will not be mentioned here.
"FINE! If you don't believe me," Takeshi told Takezo, "give her
that damn letter you keep chickening out on giving her. Then you'll
see her true colors."
"FINE!", retorted Takezo. "I'll go and do that! I'll prove you
wrong! You'll see."
Nabiki opened her footlocker and found an envelope in it, sealed
with a Gyopi sticker.
---
"Are you sure they'll get this reference?", asked Takezo.
"No," replied Bob. "But those who do will crack a smile for
sure. That's the whole point of putting obscure references. Not
everyone will get the joke, but you'll get a laugh out of those who
do."
---
Nabiki opened the envelope and read the letter inside. She
smiled to herself mischievously.
"And here I thought I could only pull this sort of racket off
once a week, to let the rumor mill slow down before the next letter.
It's pretty unusual to get another date offer so soon. Heh. Never
thought I'd be making two killings this week. Nice letter though..."
Nabiki Tendo, age 17, has no girl's heart.
"I got your letter," said Nabiki to Takezo. "I'm so happy to
know you like me too..."
"You...you mean you'll go out with me?"
"Sure!"
"Yatta! I'll pick you up tomorrow at one, then!"
As Takezo waved and happily walked out of the school courtyard,
Nabiki felt a split-second pang of guilt and regret, the same one she
always got whenever she fooled a guy this way, the same one she always
shrugged off a moment later, the same one she totally forgot about
when the date got under way.
Still....
---
"Hold it. What's this about a pang of guilt?"
"Well, I thought I'd make Nabiki less evil..."
"You realize you will be accused of portraying Nabiki out of
character?"
"On what grounds? We NEVER see Ranma 1/2 through her point of
view, so who the hell besides Takahashi herself has the right to tell
me which thoughts are IC for Nabiki and which ones are OOC?"
"You have a point...but..."
"But like you said," interrupted Takezo, "you can't please
everybody."
WATCH FOR PART 2: Takezo attempts to write about the date! Will he be
able to write about it and look himself in the mirror every morning?
Will the fanfic mailing list regulars praise or persecute him for his
writing? Will Bob get a name change?
-***-
Oh, yeah...Just a small scorecard.
Anyone who got the 'one hundred and twenty-six' clues' reference
gets 5 style points.
Anyone who got the 'Takezo Musashi' reference gets 10 style
points. No, wait, make that 20. It's a pretty tough reference.
Anyone who got the reason why my fanfic about Mendou in Furinkan
High was called 'Trouble in Furinkan High' gets 5 points. Come on! The
answers in the name! (BIG GLARING HINT)
Anyone who got the "Timerunner's already doing the 'Mendou comes
to Furinkan bit'" gets no points. Yep. Come on! That's me! I wrote
that! You don't expect to get credit for something I told you!
Anyone who got the 'Gyopi' reference not only gets 50 points,
but also my respect. Unless you're the Scriviner, in that case, no
fair, I told you about it already.
Anyone who got the 'KITT' reference, subtract 10 points and go
jump in the ocean at riptide so David Hasselhoff can save you. Joudan,
joudan.
Anyone who thinks I just made a Michael Jordan reference can go
swallow a basketball.
And if you think you know who I am on RanmaMUCK, tell me,
because I sometimes wonder if I write in the same style as I muck.
Well, until PART 2 then.
TimeRunner, December 22, 1996.
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener