Gratuitous Self
Part 5: Misdirection
"Milord."
"Kojiro. Do you know why I summoned you here?"
"No, milord." Actually, Kojiro thought it had something to do
with his failure to defeat the heretic Takezo Musashi and the
punishment that would be meted him, but he kept all of this to himself
in the presence of the Lord High Commander of The Crusaders of Nabiki
Tendo.
"You are working on..." The High Commander's mouth twisted at
the...taste...of the name of the heretic document he was about to
mention. Or at least, it would, if they weren't meeting on KowaiMUCK.
Nevertheless, he continued. "On the next part of -" a slight pause - "
'Turning Road', are you not?"
"Yes, milord!" Kojiro said this with some zeal, eager for a
chance to redeem himself.
"Don't."
Kojiro - the Kojiro behind the PC - stared at this line of text
for some time, blinking.
Did he just say, stop? he thought.
"Milord?" he said, uncertain.
"Don't continue."
He did say it.
Kojiro's mind was searching for the reason. Was it something I
said? Was it because he won't give me another chance? Why? Why?
The High Commander noted this pause. "Oh, get a grip on
yourself. This is not due to anything you've done. Since."
"Then...Why? If I may ask, milord," he added hastily.
"Because I want HIM to write the next part." Once again,
disgust. And hesitancy to mention the heretic by name.
Kojiro blinked, wondering why...then realization dawned on him.
"The C&C!"
"Precisely. His own writing shall be his downfall."
Kojiro stared at his monitor, laughing maniacally...
Funny, thought Takezo. The flaming seems to have died down.
Although, at the risk of sounding immodest, I'd attribute it more to
my coup-d'grace with that fourth part of Turning Road than all those
'Please stop spamming' posts. What are those posts for, anyway? Spam
to stop spam? Kinda like 'hair of the dog', if you ask me.
With this thought, Takezo checked his e-mail.
"Hey, look. TimeRunner's working on another fanfic. 'Aa! Mega-
Playboy'. Cool!" <save>
"'I'm leaving the mailing list....changed my mind....really
leaving this time....oops, my mistake...' Make up your mind already!"
*paku*
"Switch." Takezo immediately recognized the author's 'stream of
consciousness' style, and took the precaution of taking anti-
seasickness medicine. Sure enough, he needed every milligram of the
stuff and more. Afterward, he saved it to his 'Fanfics' folder and
read the next entry.
"'I...er...um....this is my first fanfic...don't nobody get
angry...it's a story of a gaijin (I hope that's the right term) who
becomes an exchange student at Ranma's high school, and gets into a
romantic relationship with Ukyo....'" He felt the anti-seasickness
medicine completely wear off at this.
Five minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, still fighting
back the dry heaves. "Newbie," he managed to say. Apparently, Takezo
had 'overcome' this newbie phase of his, and now regarded them with
some disdain. He deleted the fanfic, dismissing it as 'self-
gratifying', and continued to read his mail, particularly looking out
for C&C for his own (self-gratifying) 'fic, 'Turning Road'.
"Good luck fighting back the 'Okonomiyaki Crusaders'. They'll
call you heretic and stuff."
Which was...probably not very true. It's not that they had more
sense than, say, Nabiki Tendo's Crusaders. Kami knows these people
have equal shares in the common sense market. (Which actually doesn't
say much, but...) It's just that the newbie had not committed a large
enough sin to warrant a crusade. Sure, he wrote a self-gratifying
'fic, but when you've got several rabid otakus (or NEW otakus),
fantasizing about Ukyo in their unguarded moments, a couple of 'fics
with out-of-nowhere original characters meeting, falling in love,
marrying, and having a baby with Ukyo, Nabiki, Ryouga, whatever, (yes,
they go to that extent sometimes) is par for the course.
So, what made Takezo's sin so great, compared to the newbie's
fic, which was just 'A dark figure leapt out of the shadows and caught
Ukyo in mid-air, their eyes meet, they fall in love, etc. etc.
etc...'-type fanfiction? Simple. He attempted to out-Nabiki Nabiki. He
attempted to one-up Nabiki at her own game, psychological warfare (for
fun and profit). That would be tantamount to, say, going to a family
shrine, picking up a photo of a deceased relative (of a family you
don't know), and saying, 'I was always better than you, you stupid
bastard!' in front of the mourning family.
See? Utter heresy. Who wouldn't be insulted?
Probably the closest thing you could do to evoke the same sort
of response from the Okonomiyaki Crusaders would probably be out-
okonomiyaki-ing Ukyo. That'd be out-Ukyo-ing Ukyo. This was something
that the newbie had not done. Takezo hadn't done it either. All he
wrote was that 'double date' offer to Ukyo. That was nothing. In fact,
the call to arms made by one of the O.C's (who was actually an over-
eager Initiate of the Spatula) was turned down immediately by the
Elder Council of the Hot Plate, thus averting another Crusade on
Takezo's head. They also severely punished him for calling Alert Level
1 on such a minor case. The punishment involved renaming the Initiate
'Pierre' and introducing him to the rest of the penitents, namely,
Josephine, Francois, Modrianni, Charlotte, and a mecha named
'Alphonse'...
Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah...
During this entire dissertation on Heresy in Fanficdom, Takezo
was busy checking on his mail.
"'The characterization on Nabiki was excellent. However, you
need to flesh out Kojiro...' But...he isn't mine!"
That last bit of C&C he received was from this mailing list
where C&C was 'required'. How they expected to enforce this rule was
beyond Takezo, but it seemed everyone was game anyway, so...
"'Racer X/1999'. Whoo. Funky."
"'I find myself indentifying with Kojiro.' But he isn't mine!"
"Whoa! A project in the works!" He leaned forward in
anticipation, then almost facefaulted at the title..."'Visionaries:
Moonlight of the Magical Knights."
Upon further inspection, the fanfic actually had an interesting
premise, throwing together the Sailor Senshi and the Magical Knights
in the Visionaries Universe. "'And for your speed and overall skill at
dodging and running away, as well as your dippiness, I grant you the
totem of......The BUNNY RABBIT!"
Wiping away tears of laughter, Takezo read the next post.
"'Great. Keep up the good work. Can't wait 'til #5.' Hold your
horses, it's coming."
"'Kojiro should be given more breaks.' But he isn't mine!"
Takezo was starting to get annoyed.
"'Maison Goku. A heartwarming story of a boarding house and the
sayajin living there.' Riiiight."
He chuckled slightly to himself while reading a post that had
the heading "Stop posting messages on both lists!". Which was posted
on THREE.
"'Oh! My Gundam.'" At this particular post, all Takezo could say
was...er..."Oh, my gundam."
"'Saint Sayajin.' Talk about insane fighting levels..."
The dry heaves nearly recurred when he came upon a particular
lemon..."*choke* A lemon *gag* starring AZAKA AND KAMADAKI?!?!!?"
"'Celtic Tales: Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes.' Huh. There's a new
twist on that legend..."
"'Kojiro has a date with Nabiki! What I wouldn't give to be in
his shoes. You've created a good character in Kojiro.' But I'm telling
you he's not MINE!!!"
Finally, Takezo got to the one piece of C&C designed to ruin his
reputation as a fanfic writer for good:
=====
Takezo:
I love your story! I particularly love the way you handled that
situation with the Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo, diffusing it by writing
the next part AFTER Kojiro's part!
However, I have some comments you may want to listen to.
You may want to add some...spice...to your fanfic. After all,
we're all big boys and girls on this mailing list, aren't we? You
know, some...intimate...scenes between Takezo and Nabiki...or Takezo
and Ukyo...or both...
<Takezo raised an eyebrow at this. A scene came to mind.>
-----
Takezo lifted Nabiki's chin, looking into her face. "You aren't
such a bitch, after all. All you need is a little...taming."
Smiling mischievously, he brushed her hair on one side away from
her face, exposing her soft, slender neck....He kissed her there,
hands moving down to her shoulders...making their way their way
further down...groping...probing...
It was all Nabiki could do not to cry out. She stifled a moan.
She was not going to give him the satisfation of knowing he was
seducing her, that she was yielding to his touch...
-----
<Takezo had a funny grin on his face...He shook himself from his
daydream and forced himself to keep reading the letter...>
Also, this needs more emotionally involving scenes! Add more
disturbing scenes! Torture! Murder! Rape! Make your 'fic darker!
<Wha-? Another scene...>
-----
"Why...?" was all Nabiki could manage to say. She clutched at
the remnants of the clothes she wore, torn off by Takezo when
he...when he...
Nabiki sobbed as she stared at Takezo, who was standing over
her, fixing his clothes.
Takezo drew a gun from his pocket and pointed it at Nabiki. "You
should have thought of that before you ruined my life. Farewell,
Nabiki."
A shot rang out, a scream, then...silence.
-----
<Takezo could help but repress a shudder as he shook off this
thought to continue reading.>
And finally...you need to flesh out Takezo. What is his
background? What country did he live in before he went to study in
Japan as an exchange student? Did he live in America? In Australia? In
Canada? You should point this out!
<Eh? This seems...wrong.>
You should let Takezo and Nabiki get along more! Make them
sweet! Make them show their affection more! Let them kiss in public!
<There's something suspicious about this.>
And finally...make Nabiki nicer! Show that she cares so much for
Takezo that she changes! So that she doesn't pick on Ranma and Kuno so
often! So that she treats friends to lunch! So that she gives money to
charity!
<O-ho. I see what you're playing at.>
Anyway, do this and you're a shoo-in for fanfic of the year!
<Suuuure.>
Keep up the good work!
=====
The letter was signed, 'Templar'.
It didn't take a genius to figure it out, but still, Takezo
wanted to make sure.
"Templar, huh?"
At the local Japanese restaurant near Katsu-SandoCon (where,
Takezo complained, they didn't serve any okonomiyaki), Bob and Takezo
were having lunch.
"You know him?" asked Takezo through a mouthful of udon.
"Yep. He's High Commander for the Crusaders. He isn't exactly
secretive of the fact. In fact, he flaunts it."
"I knew it," said Takezo, hammering a fist on his palm. "I knew
that piece of C&C seemed fishy."
"You've got them on the run. They're resorting to more
subversive methods now. Usually, they'd face you in the open, but
since that didn't seem to work, they..."
"I know, they're trying to make me slip up. Well, it's not going
to work."
"You nearly fell for it, though," said Bob through his bowl of
osuimono.
"Shut up."
"You know it's true. You were going to make it a lemon, weren't
you?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"Well, a self-insertion lemon is a LITTLE bit over the top,
don't you think?"
"I...well..."
Bob looked smugly at Takezo, but Takezo wasn't giving up so
easily.
"Well...I....Kun-chan did it once!"
"Erk." Bob was taken by surprise by that one.
"See?!"
"But that was Kun-chan! That's different!"
"How is it different?" Takezo pressed the advantage.
"It...well...I...she..."
Takezo chuckled. "I'm just having you on, Bob. Of course I
wasn't going to make it a lemon. That wasn't my intention at all."
Bob wiped sweat off his brow. "Whew. For a moment there, you had
my goat."
"I know. Anyway, I'm writing part 5 right now."
"And...?"
"And won't they be surprised when they find that their plan
didn't work!"
"Um...Takezo...There's something I'd have to tell you..." Bob
looked dead serious.
"What? What? What is it?" Takezo was frantic.
"Um..."
"What?!"
"Your udon. It's getting cold."
<insert facefault here>
In Part 6: Part 5 of 'Turning Road' is posted! What will everyone's
reaction be? Most especially, how will the Crusaders react to this?
Stay tuned....
It was a long time coming, but it's finally here.
Apparently, since my title seems to be driving away my target
audience, which are those people who can appreciate satire, I've been
considering changing the series title('Looking for Nabiki' sounds
good...), but then the irony would be lost. Tell me what you think.
Also, my apologies to Kun-chan. (No don't! Put that mallet away!
It was a joke!)
Scorecard:
"Mega-playboy" - 10 pts
"Pierre, Francois, Josephine, etc." - 5 pts
"Visionaries" - 10 pts and a pat on the back you old fogie.
"Maison Goku" - 5 pts
"Saint Sayajin" - name both series, win 10 pts.
"Azaka and Kamadaki" - 5 pts
"Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes" - 5 pts for where Kaian Wang came
from, 5 pts for the name of the original fomor (and 5 pts for all you
who know what a fomor is).
"KatsuSando-Con" - no pts for naming KatsuCon. 5 Pts are for
those who even know what a 'katsu-sando' is.
"Udon & Osuimono" - for those who know what these are, 5 pts and
a sudden craving.
Part 6 coming your way soon!
TimeRunner
(Who'll probably be the next target of a revengefic)
=====
TimeRunner's Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
icq: 7153134 (Keiichi)
=====
"The story grew in the most convoluted way, as many people will be
surprised to learn. Writing episodically meant that when I finished one
episode I had no idea about what the next one would contain. When, in the
twists and turns of the plot, some event suddenly seemed to illuminate
things that had gone before, I was as surprised as anyone else."
--- Douglas Adams, "A Guide to the Guide"
"Mos people who want to be writers don't really want to be writers. They
want to HAVE BEEN writers."
--- James A. Michener