Hi, I've been planning this story for a long time and just now
finished the first episode. Yes, it is a fanfic. It gets more 
fanficish as the series goes on. Anyway, here you go. C&C and Flames
welcome, and don't forget the contest at the end!
  -Tenkawa Akito
P.S. Note that this is a two part post because my yahoo account will
only let me send e-mails of so large a size, around 29k. Sorry!

	The night was a beautiful one.  The kind of night where stars cry out
commands to the hearts and bodies of couples in parked cars on back
streets.  The kind of night where the lonely and lovelorn sit on the
roof half inebriated and wishing.  The kind of night where reality
follows a path so ancient that even the youngest children know the
trail well.  
	A mere ten light years from the center of the galaxy, Ship Captain
Henry J. Gloval stood on the bridge of the of the fortress he
commanded.  All was quiet; he had ordered the bridge hands to leave
him be and to give him one last quiet moment alone on the bridge of
the ship he loved.  It had served him will, or would, or something
like that.  The confusions of dimensional travel were a bit much
sometimes even for the commander of one of the fully realized Super
Dimensional Fortresses in existence.  
	'It is ironic,' he chuckled to himself as he viewed the giant armada
spread before him, 'that I was chosen as the leader for this great
fleet.  For years many of those devoted to the light spat upon the
heroes of the Robotech war despite the pain of having our identities,
names, and even very ideas changed in the process.  But here, at the
dire ends, they have turned to me... the commander of the greatest
Robotech weapon in existence, and not to my Macross counterpart. Truly
the greatest irony.' 
	He watched the stars twinkle into existence between the numerous
ships.  It was a sight that always made him smile. Even here, now a
mere seven light years away from the center of the universe and the
greatest darkness ever spawned, light could be born.  He smile only
grew as the stars did until something connected in his brain. 
	"Those aren't stars!"
	He pressed a button on one of the consoles, causing red lights to
flash everywhere in a way that was designed to calm everyone to
prepare them for the rigors of combat.
	"Full alert all ships.  I need the bridge crew NOW! Pull back
everybody!  Those aren't stars! THOSE AREN'T**"
	He gave up when he realized there was absolutely no power left in the
consoles, or in anything else for that matter except for the flashing
red lights.  
	'Funny,' he thought as the forward section of the ship began to
vaporize before his eyes.  'I never thought the ultimate darkness
would be so damn bright.'

	Kawaikune Team Fighters
	Episode 1: 
	The Wussy Darkness that Loathes The Light
	Written by the Savant of Unconstant Change
	Currently Known As Akito Tenkawa 
	Who Can Be Reached At ruri_ruri@yahoo.com
	
Opening Song: 
The Very Masculine Art of Fighting
Sung by Christopher Bench, voice of Adam; Jonathan Bon Giovanni, voice
of Patrick; Meryl Lynch, voice of Ivan)

Another stormy evening, Another final reckoning 
The weak are stripped away never to be seen
Another lover on the street lost among the city heat
Thirsty to the bone and staring into the
Giant whirling clouds of destruction	
Replacing the tears in your eyes
Crushing all our hopes for tomorrow
Till the pressure makes you cry
At the point when only the strong survive
(MACHO GUITAR RIFF)
Tonight we must only fight
Tonight we must shine our light
Tonight we can kick some butt
Tonight fight for your love
It only matters how you look into her eyes
At the point when only the strong survive

	
        It was a peaceful Tuesday like any other.  The sun shone down
on the cool Earth, coaxing it gently towards spring.  Flowers were
once again sprouting in the fields, bees and bears were once again in
dreaming of re-taking the planet from humanity in that half-way state
between awake and asleep, and a blue station wagon with wooden
paneling was pulling into an empty cracked driveway.  Yes, the
swallows had truly left behind Capistrano and had returned to Vienna,
a quiet Northern Virginia suburb.  
	The automobile sat in the driveway patiently for a few minutes,
gently rocking to some super-techno beat.  It revved a little, showing
its impatience, and then threw open its doors in sheer rage.  A boy
jumped and stood on the concrete, the sun shining down on his
All-American features.  His short length blond hair glinted in the
light, and his strong features failed to chisel themselves into
memory.  Muscles seemed as if they were threatening to bulge
underneath a green T-Shirt with a buff shirt-less hero drawn on the
back.  He breathed in the air, taking pleasure in the world around
him, and then let out a shout of pure joy.
	"PATRICK-KUN!!! HYAKU!!! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR ANIME NIGHT!!!"
	He growled a little in happiness then started as a strange apparition
appeared from the haze.  It had long hair that seemed almost alive
running down its back.  The face was a strange pale with blue eyes
that failed to flash in an intimidating manner as it ran towards him. 
The figure was draped in a heavy red coat with all sorts of bizarre
objects falling from the pockets, yet was sweating profusely. 
	"I'm hyakuing, I'm hyakuing, gimme a break Adam," it said as it
reached the driver's side of the car. 
	"Patrick no baka!" Adam said grabbed the form threw him in the car
resulting in a small dent in the passenger side door. 
	"We've only got fifteen minutes to get there."
	"Okay, I know a short cut," Patrick said as the station wagon pulled
out of the driveway. "Turn right at the end of the court."
 	"Hai," the driver said as he turned left. 
	And not too far away, at the Anime Parthenon (Where all anime is
worshipped freely, except Unico. Down with Unico! Down with Unico!),
two mysterious figures were skulking in the stock room.  The taller of
the two, a Tawainese teenager with black hair parted perfectly to the
right side was half-submerged in a box of holy relics.  Something
lurking in a distant corner of the box caught his eye, and he adjusted
his glasses to be sure what he saw was no mere trick of the light. 
Then, like a hunter stalking prey, he leapt mercilessly on the
reluctant prize and dragged it to the surface, where he was rewarded
with an amazing treasure.
	"Sugoii!" he exclaimed.  "New Eva wall scrolls. Ones I don't even
have, including the one of Rei dressed like an American 1920's
gangster leading a bank robbery.  She's my favorite."	
	He began a small yet macho victory dance to demonstrate the powerful
positive impact the newly discovered wall scroll will make on his life. 
	"I've been looking for it for a long time," he said.  "Soon I'll have
every piece of Rei memorabilia ever made. After buying this scroll I
just need the one of Rei torturing Mickey Mouse."	
	He failed to notice the dark shadow fall over him and his newfound
wall scroll, but the guttural angry-yet-lonely voice that followed
alerted him to imminent danger.
	"IIIIIIIIIIIvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn!!!"
	The teenager spun around, failing to hide the open box of scrolls on
the table behind him.  "Oh... uhh... Hi Stan! I got here early and so
was doing a little shopping-"
	"How many times have I told you about going in the back room?"
	"Uhh... blame Jeff." Ivan pointed at the figure that was hunched over
in front of a rack of Sailor Moon dolls. 
	"I will kill you both!" The ogrish store manager grabbed a pile of
wall scrolls and held them up to the ceiling.  
	"MERCHANDISE WEY-PEN!!!!"
	Suddenly the wall scrolls morphed into a giant club of anime art. 
	"Chikuso," Ivan muttered underneath the table.
	Jeff turned around, holding the new Usagi action/dress-up figure in
his hand.  "Hey Ivan, this is really cool.  It does fighting moves if
you flip this switch, and you can take its clothes off to... to change
it from one mode to another.  Do you know how much it is?"	
	"Uhh... Jeff... you might want to run now."
	"Whyzzat?  Oh, hi Stan. AHH!!!" Jeff jumped out of the way as Stan's
club came crashing down onto the rack. Luckily all the Sailor Moon
figures managed to evacuate the rack before-hand so none were harmed. 
	"Good thing they spontaneously came to life, moved, and returned to
their normal inanimate state," thought Ivan. "They might have been
seriously damaged."
	"Every week you people come into my store and watch anime," screamed
Stan as he chased the hapless otaku about, "and every week I have to
put up with this crap!"
	Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed, as though a
deus-ex-machina was making an entrance.  A glowing figure entered the
room.  In one hand he held a plastic bag.  In the other, nothing.	
	"Hey, everybody, ready to watch some anime?  I've got City Hunter TV!"
	Stan took a few breathes and the club returned to its normal wall
scroll state.  He seemed calm, despite the wreckage of tables and
display racks surrounding him.  "Stan like City Hunter."
	"But Adam and Patrick aren't here yet," Jeff suggested, but as the
club began to show signs of reforming he hastily added, "Of course,
they never wait for us."
	Stan sat down in a corner, satisfied.  The two teenagers breathed a
sigh of relief.  Yet again; Krillin, bearer of anime, had saved their
hides.  Krillin was a noble philanthropist in the dark age they lived
in, a man of many names who shared his vast stores of beauty with the
otaku of the Anime Parthenon.  Last week, when he had humbly been
Keichii, he had nearly taken Stan on single handedly just for the sake
of anime.  But who was he really?  Where did he come from?  Why were
his handsome yet slightly boyish features enough to win the unwanted
hearts of a thousand females the world over?  
	We may never know.
	As the television was turned on and the opening began, I ceased my
endless narration for I, too, like City Hunter.

MEANWHILE>>>> BACK WITH ADAM-KUN AND PATRICK-KUN

	"Another red light.  Just my luck," the blond yet heroic Adam
muttered to himself.  
	"It would appear the gods do not wish us to attend anime night
tonight."
	"Well, after that fiasco last week..." Adam said as he focused his
evil eye on the lady doing 25 miles per hour in front of him.
	"What fiasco?" 
	"Well, lets see, the one where you called Stan a giant hulking Mona
Lisa imitation without the well-built figure causing him to try to
crush your head with Ranma 1/2 translated into Mandarin Chinese? 
Thats not a fiasco.  Nope."
	Patrick tried to scratch his head, but failed due to his copious
amount of hair.  "I was misunderstood.  I was trying to thank him for
hosting Anime Night for us every week at his store."
	"Lets just hope we get there on time."  He looked down at the car
clock.  "Too late, its already 6:30.  Maybe they'll wait for us."
	"Oh sure, just as long as Tenchi doesn't bring in more City Hunter TV."
	"Now Patrick, be nice. He hasn't been Tenchi for two months." 
	"He was Tenchi for my first entire month coming here!  How was I
supposed to know he'd change his name?"
	"He walked up to you and said, 'Hi, I'm Kagato, OVA version.'"  
	"Would you like it if some random anime fan started talking to you
about the guy who killed you after you've been around only three
episodes?  And when some of these younger villains are lasting eight
or ten episodes?"
	"Not my fault!"
	"Well, I know how you feel. Sometimes people misunderstand me too.
Oh! A song I like!"
	Adam hastily turned the radio up very loud to drown out Patrick's
continued cries. Besides, they were almost at the Anime Parthenon and
soon all would be well with the world. 
	Back at the Parthenon, City Hunter TV had just started rolling its
final credits and the group was in awe.
	"That was beautiful," Ivan said.
	"Its been a long time since I've seen something that hit so close to
home," Jeff said.
	"Stan like City hunter," Stan said as he wiped a tear from his
bulbous eyes.
	"The part when he promised to protect her, nobody matter what..."
Ivan paused to clean the tears from his glasses. "It was just so sweet."
	"And then when he crawled into her bed, just to keep a close watch on
her... and hid weapons up her skirt so that if something happened she
could protect herself... and..."
	"Stan like City Hunter."
	"When he shot the guy, I could just feel the great love he has for
the entire human race."
	"Its like... I'm not alone.  I'm never alone."
	"So true... so true."
	"Stan LIKE City Hunter!"
	Krillin stopped the tape and turned to the group.  He flashed them a
winning smile for no reason at all and asked, "So what do you all want
to watch next?"
	"Whatcha got, Krill-baby?" asked Caroline, a random otaku who
happened to be the only female in a five mile radius, replied in the
deplorable form of a question.
	"Well.... the Dramatic Ending To The Extensively Long Series We've
Been Watching For Nearly Six Months!" As he said this he whipped out a
tape, wrapped in pure silver. "BEHOLD!!!  THE END OF FUSHIGI YUUGI!!!"
	A shout rose up from the crowd so great it would rival the strange
sounds coming from the Chinese Restaurant next door, known ominously
as Dark Lord's Chinese Food. 
	"Adam! Pull over!" Patrick shouted in the driver's ear as he
frantically turned down the radio.
	"What is it, Patrick? If we don't get there soon we'll probably miss
something else.  Think about it, the final episode of Fushigi Yuugi is
tonight!"
	"But look!" Patrick pointed out the window at the catatonic form of a
boy by the middle of the road. "How can we do anything but stop to
help? Besides, since we're doing a good deed the gods will smile upon
us and our brothers in anime will wait to watch that long awaited
final episode."
	"Hai." Adam spun the wheel in a manner that brought them miraculously
parrellel to the side of the road.
	"Oh my god! It's Little Orphan Timmy!" he cried.
	"And he's in a coma!"
	Patrick leapt out of the passenger door.  After nearly getting
run-over by evening traffic, he ran around to the other side of the
car and lifted the limp body of Poor Timmy.  He quickly checked for a
pulse and other vital signs.
	"Adam, you know what we have to do!" he shouted as he laid Timmy in
the back seat and began various mantras he reserved only for
emergencies. "ru-ri-sa-ma..."
	"Yes!  I must use one of my special driving techniques," Adam said as
he floored the gas pedal. "ALPHA THETA BUDWEISER KEN!"
	"Oh my!" said Patrick. "A technique gleaned from ancient lore. The
Alpha Theta Budweiser Ken, or Speed of the Drunken Frat-Boy, emulates
the celerity with which an inebriated college student goes from female
to female in a desperate attempt get some. After much meditation, Adam
has mastered using this other worldly speed for other purposes. But
even with this powerful special technique can Adam get there in time?
I doubt it."
	"But its just up ahead. Have a little trust in my skills."
	"Don't talk. Drive!"
	And at the Anime Parthenon, once again a great series had come to a
close.  Krillin stood in front of the group and asked the eternal
question, "So guys, what did you think of the end of Fushigi Yuugi?"
	"That changed my life," said Ivan.
	"It truly spoke the meaning of the series," said Jeff.
	"Huh?" said Ivan.
	"Stan like City Hunter," said Stan.  "I think we should watch more
City Hunter."
	"It's like life is one big cycle.  I feel free to go create something
new, true, and beautiful with my life," said Jeff.
	"Yes. I see now. All the secrets of reality lay before me.  Light is
darkness, good is evil, right is wrong, fore-shadowing is often too
blatant to be seen..." said Ivan.
	"Oh, thank you Krillin.  Yet again you have given us a wonderful
thing," said the group as a whole.  "We will now have a moment of
silence in honor of the great things you do for us."	
	'Too bad Patrick and Adam were late.  Oh well,' Jeff thought to
himself.
	"And now that we've finished it, time for the ritual burning of the
final episode!"
	"YEAH!!!!" 
	In the station wagon, Adam and Patrick were resorting to desperate
measures to keep up Little Orphan Timmy's vital signs.
	"Adam, put this in the cassette deck," said Patrick as he handed Adam
an unlabeled tape. "This is the best I can do for now."
	He put in the tape and the car was filled with the mighty
vocalizations of DoCo singing Love Panic. 
	"Its my favorite DoCo song. I recorded it off of my television along
with the rest of the tape. It even has that song the catgirls strip to
during Tank Police."
	"Cool. That should do the job."
	For those who have not read the ill-fated prequel to this
documentary, entitled "Little Orphan Timmy, the Saddest Tale of All
Otakudom," Little Orphan Timmy was the saddest tale of all otakudom,
yet also a tribute to the great and wonderful healing powers of anime. 	
	When Little Orphan Timmy was but a lad of three years old, his
parents were launched into the airless vacuum of a near-Earth orbit
from the suburban office of their Computer Repair store. Poor Timmy
fell through the societal cracks and ended up living up on the
streets, alone and an alcoholic until he reached the age of six years
old. That was when anime found him in the form of a mysterious
benefactor named John the Masked Otaku. This mysterious man swept up
Poor Timmy in one of the rare turns of good fortune in his life and
showed him the way to the Anime Parthenon. Now, at the ripe age of
nine Little Timmy still lived on the streets but thanks to Anime Night
every Tuesday he has found the will to live. The rest of the attendees
all feel for his situation though, and are more than willing to help
out to buy merchandise to put on the walls of his small Zenith brand
cardboard box. But will all this come to an end now, in the back seat
of Adam's car? Is there any hope at all?
 	"Yes! We're here. Patrick, you get Poor Timmy and I'll go hold the
door open for you."
	"Right!"
And inside the store...
	Krillin wiped the sweat from his brow. The ritual burning of the
final episode tape was always an exciting and emotional event for him.
The forbidden opening of the cassette. The fire on the plastic. The
dancing. The appeal to Otakami the god anime for a good year of
imports. Even sitting on the table next to the television, he watched
the others and smiled. But that smile masked a deeper sadness,
something hidden from the others. It was a memory of another time,
another place, another final episode. A fire, and running just a
little to late... 
	A name.
	"Ryo...."
	A sudden shout interrupted his thoughts. He wiped tears from his eyes
as he took stock of the situation. The blond one, Adam, was pounding
Jeff and Ivan repeatedly with twenty pound anvils.  
	Rating: Unimportant. 
	Patrick was there. He was shouting something about an emergency.
	Rating: Unimportant. 
	He was carrying an unconscious form. Closer inspection revealed it
was none other than Little Orphan Timmy in a catatonic state.
	Rating: Extremely Important.
 	"Little Orphan Timmy is in a coma!" shouted Krillin. "Look!"
	Everyone looked up then, and noticed what was going on for the first
time. A hush fell across the room.
	"Thats what I've been screaming about!" Patrick screamed.
	"Not me. I've been screaming about them watching the end of Fushigi
Yuugi," said Adam as he dropped another anvil on Jeff.
	"I've been screaming in pain," Jeff said as he passed out.
	"We need something really special."
	Krillin reached into the special bag in which he carried all the
tapes he brought to anime night. As he pulled out a tape, this one
giving off a bright yellow light, fireworks went off throughout the
room. 
	"Oops, wrong tape."
	"My store!" cried Stan.
	He threw it away, then pulled out another tape that gave off a bright
purple light the color of Shampoo's hair.  Suddenly land mines went
off throughout the room.
	"Wrong again."
	"My store!" cried Stan.
	He discarded this tape too, then pulled out another giving off a
light the color of nasal mucus causing a bunch of female lingerie to
go off throughout the room.
	"Heh... heh... oops."
	"My underwear!" cried Caroline as she crushed a couple of random
people around her, including Adam and Ivan, in an attempt to protect
her lingerie.
	"My store!" cried Stan.
	The other people in the room began scrambling for the underwear,
causing Caroline to retreat and hide behind Patrick, until she
realized where she was. She then went and hid behind the store
counter. It just so happened the counter was doubling as a clear
display case.
	"Damn," she said.
	"This should work," Krillin said.
	"That bag must be bottomless. I wish I had a bag like that," thought
Patrick.
	Krillin pulled one more tape out of his bag, this one giving off a
golden light. Nothing went off and the crowd fell silent. 
	"I present... Maho Su'kai Tai!"
	"Which means?" asked a newly conscious Jeff. 
	"The Magic Club!" he said.
	The group went gasped in awe again. Krillin popped the tape in the
V.C.R. and Patrick propped Poor Timmy in a seat in front of the
television. 
	"Okay, everyone. I'm going to run off for about an hour. I've left a
few more tapes laying around the room, so watch those until I get
back." With that Krillin disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the
store. Nobody noticed, though. They engrossed in the deep and
insightful comedy-drama unfolding before them. 
	Ten minutes later...
	"I love that bear. What's his name again?" asked Patrick.
	Caroline replied, "I think its Jeff-kun."
	At the same time, Adam and Ivan poked Jeff. "Jeff-kun?"
	"Its not me!"
	Twenty minutes later...
	"Hey has anybody checked to see if Poor Timmy is still alive?"
	"Does any body know what time it is? Does anybody really care?"
	"Don't worry, he's got a pulse. And a hard on the size of that
dancing bear."
	"Jeff-kun?" asked Patrick.
	"Its not me!"
	Thirty minutes later...
	"That was a cool show."
	"Should we watch the next episode?"
	"We do have that one episode a night limit."
	"Any objections?"
	"Stan like City Hunter."
	"Hold on a second, I want to go buy something."
	"Okay."
	"That was really neat. Especially that dancing bear."
	"Jeff-kun?"
	"Its not me!!!!"
"Hey guys? There is a large humanoid thingy in the front growling the
word "otaku" over and over again. It doesn't have any skin but it has
these big claw things growing out of it. Anyway, it appears to be
getting violent. Anybody have any ideas on what to do? I don't think
it is friendly... aghh!"
	Suddenly a large claw thing thrust through Caroline's abdomen,
getting blood on the manga right next to her. 
	"Caroline!" cried Patrick. 
	"My merchandise!" cried Stan.
	Caroline's limp body was thrown across the room onto a pile of
posters featuring the infamous Hitoriki Battousai. Where she had been
a large humanoid monster thingy with big claws and no skin stood. It
was growling the word "otaku" repeatedly and making what could be
interpretted as unfriendly gestures. 
	"You're doing this just to make me mad, aren't you?" Steve asked the
giant skinless monster.
	"Blerrsku...piiiiiin......fuu....." the creature drooled in reply as
it chose to smash through the wall instead of walking through the
doorway that lead conveniently from the main store area to the back
room. 
	"Thats a brand new wall. Okay. Now I am really mad." Steve ran to the
wall and picked up some Evangelion key chains. 
	"Hey, Jeff. Wake up!"
	Jeff looked away from the t.v. screen and saw what was going on.
"Wow. Thats not what I expected. Hey, cool costume Krillin!"
	"Jeff you idiot," Adam said. "Thats not Krillin. Thats a giant
skinless clawed monster."
	"Well, how can you tell?"
	"It just killed Caroline and smashed through a wall!" Adam said. 
	"Where's everyone else? Didn't they want to watch the Magic Club
closing song? Its really neat."
	"They all ran away. Bah! They are no fans! They are no fans!" Patrick
cried. "Their love is weak while ours is strong! Even in the face of
evil, we continue the sacred viewing."
	"Hey Adam. I've got an idea. Lets run away and let the manager deal
with this," Ivan suggested.
	"I like it," Patrick added.
	"Lets do it."
	The three turned and sprinted into the back room as Stan leapt into
combat with the creature.
	"Guess I might as well follow them," Jeff thought as he sprinted in
blind terror behind them.
	Behind the back room they found a short hallway with two doors. 
	"The one on the left is the bathroom. We don't want to go in there,"
said Ivan. "The one on the right I've never seen before."
	They ran trough the right door, failing to notice that as they did so
they were running through a portal to a dimension far away.

I'm going to be posting the second half of this in a few minutes. Hold
on, reader, until then! 
==
"I was so blind. Because I loved it so much, I only watched my favorite parts."
-Pilot Tenkawa Akito on Blazing Robo Gekiganger-3

When it doubt, go existential.
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