At 07:13 PM 7/6/98 -0400, Corvus wrote a new opening for Autumn:

***********
The slighty rusted tines of the old yard rake pulled through the grass
with the expertise of years, sending fallen leaves spilling ahead and
behind like a dry, crackling brown wave.  The black-haired young man who
weilded the implement paused from his work, straightening to wipe his
dripping brow.  He turned his dark eyes to look across the leaf-strewn
yard to his fellow worker.  To the young woman he asked, "Every year?"
	"Every year," his fiancee told him in mild exasperation.
***********

	Corvus goes on to explain that this example of writing
	is unusualy purple, and makes a really good point about
	using a  rusty rake as something that we all might have
	done, so it makes a good focal point.

	The very purpleness of the above paragraph, and the fact
	that it's really not part of a story that someone has
	poured their heart into makes it a good candidate for
	for some heavy duty C&C. 

	My apologies to Corvus, but I do think it's way too purple,
	but it also contains some of the stuff of great writing...

	--- First, the details:

	'slightly rusted' doesn't work for me, "rusting" is
	more active, and does not imply that the process has
	stopped. 

	'old yard rake'; "old" is redundant from the rusting, 
	and "yard" comes up when Ranma calls to Akane

	'expertise', well Ranma is not an expert at raking
	and a rake does not become expert at anything.

	'crackling brown wave' -That's good. _Really_ good.
	I like it since raked leaves do remind me of water
	waves. I might not use that direct analogy
	though, but an indirect one by using a water related
	verb (Such as 'lapping') to describe the leaves.
	I'm a firm believer in making the reader do a little
	work whe the read, using a water related verb 
	sends that thought into their minds so that they
	can think about (re-experience) the times they've
	had water lapping against their legs, and then they
	integrate that personal experience into the story.
	This is a really good way to add the reader's
	senses into the story.

	'black-haired'- Not needed here in the beginning.

	'weilded the implement'- Aiya! Do you really talk
	that? ;)

	'dripping brow' - Sorry, its not that warm, and
	a sweaty Ranma would make the upcoming actions
	less pleasant.

	'dark eyes' Not needed here.

	'leaf-strewn'- It had better not be, they just raked
	it. 'strewn' also carries a feeling of having been
	spread there, rather than having fallen there.

	'fellow worker' - not needed.

	'To the young woman he asked'  - Starts with a
	preposition, the 'young' is not needed, and 
	'asks' implys a close proximity, yet she's
	across the yard.
 
	'mild exasperation' - I would try to show
	that exasperation in the words she says
	themselves, rather than in the description. 
	There are many times you might use 
	"mild exasperation" in a story, for example
	when there is no story relating to that
	character just before, or just after
	the exasperated utterance. 

	-- Now the higher level stuff.

	I like the idea of adding the rust to the rake.
	I wouldn't go into detail on it for "Autumn"
	because the rake isn't that important to the
	story, but you're right, finding a shared
	experience with the reader is a terrific way
	to draw them into the story. (works with the
	wave of leaves, too)

	I think you've put too much into the first
	paragraph. I can't imagine reading a story that
	carries that much detail all the way through.

	Detail is a funny thing, not enough and you can't
	feel like you're there, too much and there's
	no reason to transport yourself there, since 
	everything is handed to you.

	That much detail can also obfuscate the subject
	of the paragraph. Was it about leaves? the rake?
	The brown hair? The dark eyes? All of those things
	belong in the story, but I prefer to spread them
	out a bit, mention the dark hair because he's
	pushing it out of his eyes, Mention the eyes
	because she's looking at them. 	

	Another trick is to spread the description amongst
	a set of paragraphs or sentances, so that they 
	interlock with each other. 

	Well, that's enough from me today, anyone else?
	


(Here's the original)

	   The rake pulled smoothly through the grass,
	the leaves bunching and spilling past the sides.
	The tines hissed through the grass, the leaves
	crackling with each stroke. 
          "Every year?" Ranma called across the yard.
          "Every year." Akane replied, pausing to remove
	some leaves that had stuck in her rake.


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