(Turn off the lights and watch as your screen explodes in
3....2....1....just kidding.)

        Hey there, everyone.  I'd just like to say that in this
series, I'm only C&Cing and making witty comments.  I don't, in any way, 
mean offense to any of the authors or
original show Mystery Science Theater 3000, who have spent
hours on end working to make this idea possible to form in
my head.
        My anime friends are from these worlds: MST 3K (I have
to use Cambot after all!), Sailor Moon, El Hazard, Ranma
1/2.
        Please don't sue me!
        Enjoy! ^_^;

(This might be a bit difficult to sing...)

There was a senior in high school named A-kun,
He had two brothers who worked at M.H.I,
One day they brought him in to clean up the place,
But they didn't like the job he did so they shot him into
space...

(Hey!  You can't do this!  I know people!  REAL people!)
(Yeah, but they're the ones paying us to do this!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find! (lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
and we'll monitor his mind! (lalala)

Now keep in mind A-kun can't control
where the fanfics begin or end. (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
to summon his anime friends!

Anime Roll Call:
Cambot! (Pan left.)
Ami Mizuno! (Hi there!)
Ifurita! (What is the purpose of this?)
Ranmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...(I'm DIFFERENT!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
and other science facts, (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Anime Theater 2000...

[In space, a giant stapler is floating over Earth.  This is
the Satelite of Anime.  We enter...]
        [There's a brown haired young man who looks like he
really shouldn't be in high school.  He turns to Cambot and
us.]

A-kun: Hey there.  I'm A-kun and welcome to the Satelite of Anime.  I've 
done some checking and confirmed that my anime friends are NOT the 
'canon'.  But, I couldn't give a rat's....uh, nevermind.  Recently, we 
decided to play poker.

        [Ifurita, Ami and Ranma walk onto the bridge all wearing barrels 
over their torsos.]

A-kun: Good thing I'm good at poker.  I won the shirts, pants and other 
accessories off their backs.  HAHAHAHA-ACK!

        [Ifurita blasts A-kun, followed by a ki bolt from Ranma and a 
stapler thrown by Ami.]

A-kun: <COUGH> <COUGH> Good thing I'm damage-resistant.  Anyway, we'll 
be right back.

        [A-kun presses the white button.]

(Commercial: Tired of your old condiments?  Just throw in some jalepenos 
and scream and cuss until you want your old damn condiments back!)

        [The ACs are fully clothed again.  A-kun seems a bit 
disappointed, but as the red light begins flashing, he promptly puts on 
a fake smile.]

A-kun: Oh goody, Twiddle-dumb and Twiddle-dumber are calling.

        [A-kun presses the button.]

[Deep Throat 4]

Dr. Matheus: Who the hell named this place?  Oh, hello *LOSERS*!  
Hahahaha!  Anyway, are you ready for this week's invention exchange?  
A-kun, I'll let you go first.

[SOA]

A-kun: Thanks, Dr. Matheus.  Ifurita, if you would...

        [Ifurita wheels out a car engine.  A-kun leaves.]

Ranma: Many people often believe a simple replacement of oil, gasoline 
and anti-freeze/coolant is all an engine needs.  Well, many of those 
people find that timing belts, pistons and such all need maintenance as 
well.  

Ifurita: Unfortunately, these people also haven't taken a course in car 
maintanence, so they don't know if a car repairman is ripping them off 
by making up parts.  Like a carping rod or a rain demagnetizer.  Such 
things *COULD* exist, but they don't in a car.

        [A-kun walks into the room wearing a standard grease covered 
repairman costume.  Ami walks in wearing a business suit.]

A-kun [with a gruff voice]: Uh, yeah.  Your car needs a new dousing rod 
and a chest-grinkenstein.

Ranma: This poor lady would be ripped off if she didn't know about car 
maintanence.  So, our invention of the week is a device that tells you 
if a mechanic is making up a car-part to raise the price.

        [Ami pulls out something similar to a tricorder.  It begins 
beeping and red lights flash.]

TRICORDER-DEVICE: Warning! Warning, Ami-chan, your Visa bill is in 
danger!  Warning!  Warning!

Ami [to A-kun]: You're lying!

Ifurita: It also tells you if the mechanic is charging an outrageous 
prices for a part that you could get for $1.95 at a local Coast to Coast 
or wherever you shop for car parts.

A-kun: What do you think, sirs?

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Interesting.  Danny Boy, bring our invention in.

TV's Danny Boy: Yes, Dr. Matheus.

        [Danny walks in with what looks like a walkman.  He hands it to 
Dr. Matheus.]

Dr. Matheus: Ah, thank you, Danny.  Our invention is a variation on a 
standard walkman.  Except, nowadays, I find that a lot of unworthy songs 
by artists that I don't like are being played beyond my tolerance.  So, 
my invention is a device that will edit out songs you don't like and 
replace them with songs you DO like.

[SOA]

Ranma: Wow, that sounds like something I'd buy.

A-kun: I don't know, what's the catch, Matheus?

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Catch?  What catch?  Can't I do anything to help my fellow 
mankind?

[SOA]

All: No.

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus [a little huffy]: Well, I agree that it is against my grain, 
so I added a little extra subliminal message to help them BOW DOWN TO MY 
FEET!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

[SOA]

Ifurita: You evil, evil man!

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Anyway, *LOSERS*, your fanfic for today is entitled "Here's 
Uma, the Interview".  It's by Stanley R. Teriaca.  Enjoy, my little 
PESTS!  Oh, and I've put in a new addition for this story.  You'll find 
out what it is later.

[SOA]

All: OH NO!  WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!

        [A-kun and the ACs race for their access ports.  Cambot advances 
through the now opened dogbone-door.]

        [Door 6: It's made of swizzle-sticks.  You easily break them.]
        [Door 5: It's a door of air.  You wonder where the door is.]
        [Door 4: It's not a door, it's John Agar trying to explain 
something.  You pull out a phaser and vaporize him.]
        [Door 3: It's a shower curtain.  You rip it aside to reveal 
Ifurita showering.  She screams and slaps you.  You smile.  It was 
definitely worth it.]
        [Door 2: It's not a door, rather a 'Yield' sign.  You run past 
it, laughing.]
        [Door 1: It's a vault door and it opens for you.]

        [Ifurita enters first, then Ami, then A-kun, then Ranma.  They 
sit in the same order.]

From: "Stanley R. Teriaca" <teriaca@omnifest.uwm.edu>

Ami: Oh, I love Omnifest!

Ranma: No, that's Omni.  Omnifest doesn't exist.

___________________________________________________________>_______

A-kun: Look out!  It's some sort of laser security.

    Here's Uma: The Interview (promo).

Ranma and A-kun: WOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ifurita: That's PROMO!

Ranma and A-kun: Oh.  DAMN!

    by Stanley "Quartzite" Teriaca.

Ami: In the name of Mercury, I shall defeat you Quartzite!

    All characters involved are either copyrighted Rumiko
Takahashi,

Ranma: WOOOOO!  GO, GO, GO, GO!!  BRING BACK RANMA 1/2!!  PARTY!!!

or are created by myself. No profit has been made, so do >not
sue me.

Ranma: Trust us, no profit won't keep us from suing you.  Take comfort 
in this knowledge.

Comments?

Ifurita: Yes, it stinks!

E-Mail to (teriaca@omnifest.uwm.edu) or through
the Fanfic
Mailing List (fanfic@fanfic.com)

A-kun: Wow.  inventive.

----------------------------------------------------------->--------------------

A-kun: Look out for the barbed wire! Damn, this fic has a lot of 
security!

(We enter a room where a nice looking

A-kun: Dusty statue is.  The End.

Ifurita: Well, guess we can leave.

older man is seated.

A-kun: Like I said, a dusty statue.  The End.

Next to him
is a young girl with straight black hair, a red blouse, and
a black
skirt.

A-kun: Wow, Biles!  I'm honored by your presence.  But, why are you a 
girl?

Next to her is a boy in a yellow shirt with the kanji for

Ami: "Tomboy".  It's Ryoga!!

        [Ranma, A-kun and Ifurita stare at her.]

Ifurita: "Stephen Gagne"!  That's what he looks like!

Ranma: Dream on.  It says "Security".  He's from Star Trek: Next 
Generation.

A-kun: No no.  It's says "World's Greatest Sex Machine"-

        [Ami and Ifurita crush him under twin hammers.]

"Hibiki Pig Farm" on it, and black pants. The boy looks
uneasy.)

Ami: Hibiki Pig Farm?  Oh come on!  That's too much of a low blow.

Ranma: Actually, if Ryoga married that Akari Unryuu, he would own a pig 
farm...

Ifurita: Who's Akari?

Ranma: She appears later in Ranma 1/2.  And I hope no one was offended 
by that plug.  Or that little spoiler.

Interviewer: Welcome. We are proud to present

Ami: This kazoo!

Ifurita: This pretty penny!

Ranma: This booger!

A-kun: Ami-chan's panties!

        [Ami pulls out a mallet and pounds A-kun.]

A-kun [groaning]: It was worth it....

an interview with the
stars of the new fanfic series called Here's Uma.

Ifurita: And Here's Ifurita, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?!

So, without further
ado, here's Saotome Uma...

Ranma: The illegitimate daughter of Charles Foster Kane.

Uma (the girl in the red blouse): Hello.

Ami: Uma?

A-kun (Arnold Swarznegger): It's not a tuma.

Interviewer: And Hibiki Butaga.

Butaga (obviously the boy) (*taps the mike pinned to him*):
Um, is
this thing on?

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!

Uma: Don't worry, koibito, we are only going to be talked >to by one
person. [1]

A-kun: No....you'll be talked to by us once this is done.

Ranma: Yeah, you have another thing coming to you, young lady!

Ami: OOOOH! I know a secret!  Koibito means they're 
boyfriend/girlfriend!

A-kun: Or lovers.  GAH!

Butaga: But we will be read by everyone. Do you know how
many people
read the Fanfiction Mailing List?

Ami[Uma]: Yes, 3,456,523,523 people.

Ranma: On a slow day.

Uma: Don't forget rec.arts.anime.creative also.

A-kun: Hey, rec.arts.anime.creative.also doesn't exist!  Wait, does it?!

(Butaga faints)

A-kun: Wow!  Didn't know my comment would do THAT to him!

Interviewer: Will he be fine?

Uma: Don't worry.

Ifurita [Uma]: He's just in need of immediate medical attention.  
Nothing to worry about.

Since he is a country boy, he is not used
to being
in front of so many people. He will be fine.

A-kun [Uma]: I mean he'll be fined for being in this 'fic!

Interviewer: Let us begin. So, Uma-chan (is it ok to call
you
Uma-chan?),

Ranma [Uma]: Not unless you're going to sleep with me. [shudders] On 
second thought...

it says in my notes that your parents are
Saotome Ranma
and Saotome Akane, right?

Ranma: WHAT?!?!?!?!

A-kun [handing Ranma a cigar]: Congrats', Ranma!  It's a girl!

Uma: Yep.

Interviewer: So, who is this girl in the photo with your
mother?

A-kun [Uma]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  That's Aunty Kodachi!  She should be in 
that place where everyone wears white jackets!

Uma: My father.

Ranma [still stunned]: Guuuuuuuhh.........

Interviewer: Is it? If it is, he must be a professional
transvestite,
for I was convinced that he was a woman.

Ranma: HEY!!!

Ami: It's true, Ranma.  You do make a convincing girl.

A-kun: Ami-chan, I have to explain something...<whisper, whisper, 
whisper>

Ami: Ah, like the Star Fighters.  Only with water.

Uma: Um, my father IS a woman, sometimes...

A-kun [Interviewer]: [whining] My head hurts, I'm cold and wolves are 
after me.

Interviewer: Sometimes?

Uma: The Jusenkyo

Ami: Bathwater!

Ranma: Ecto-juicer!

A-kun: Pencil!

Ifurita: Ice cream cone!

Curse. It is a long story. Much too long
for the
interview time.

All: Uhhhh.....you know, they do extra long interviews and summarize 
them, don't you?

Interviewer: So, is there anything else we should know >about you?

A-kun [Uma]: I'm a lesbian.

        [The ACs glare at him.]

A-kun: HEY!  A guy can dream!

Uma: They say I inherited my father's stubbornness, my
mother's anger,

Ranma [Uma]: My uncle Ryoga's ability to shoot tweleve gallons of blood 
through the nose...

A-kun [Uma]: My uncle Mousse's poor eyesight.  HEY!  Where'd you go?!

Ami [Uma]: My aunt Shampoo's crappy vocabulary...AIYAH!

Ifurita: My uncle Gosunkugi's low constitut-<YAWN>-ion.... 
SNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX...... {Ifurita begins drooling 
down the front of her outfit, she slumps forward bumping into the 
screen.  She awakens startled, who slapped her in the back of the head.  
"Umm, I'll have a Flaming Wombat please!"  Looking around she notices 
she's not in the bathroom and pretends nothing unusual happened. - a 
tITANIC journal entry by Bag O' Hammers....um, TharzZzDunN Limited}

and my grandfather's love for food. But, if there's one
trait I would
love people to remember me by, I would pick my romantic
heart.

Interviewer: It says here that your father knows martial
arts. Do you
know martial arts as well?

Ami [Uma]: Well I dated them before high school, but I had to break it 
off.  They were just too physical!

Uma: No. But I do know bugei. Saotome Rei Nandemo Bugei. >[2]

A-kun: Yep, good old uncle Bug Eye!

Ifurita: Yep, it's also a Non-Demo model.

Ami: HUH?!

Interviewer: I thought it was the Saotome School of
Indiscriminate
Grappling?

Ifurita [Uma]: Yes, I don't discriminate BEFORE I grapple...

A-kun: Oh, kinky!

        [Ifurita blasts A-kun.]

Uma (sweat drops): Um, yeah, well, it still is. But it is
just too
much to say. Why did pop choose that name in the first
place?

Ranma: I didn't choose it either, so don't blame me!

(Butaga wakes up, and starts to leave)

Ifurita: Ah, Ryoga.  The infamous wanderer.  I wonder why it is that his 
mom AND dad had that problem?

A-kun: Maybe they were fourth-removed cousins and didn't know it.

Interviewer: Where are YOU going?

Ami [Stern Motherly Voice]: You just clean up that mess you made on the 
carpet!

Butaga: Well, since you're busy interviewing Uma-chan, I
thought I could

A-kun [Evil voice]: Get away from the Empire?!  NEVER!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

wait outside.

A-kun: Oh poopie.

Interviewer: I have to talk to you also. You ARE her

Ami: Fiancee?

Ranma: ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!

boyfriend.

Ranma: ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!!

Butaga: Not by my choice.

Ifurita: Soun and Genma strike again!

Uma (angrily): Your choice? Ha! I picked you, and you are
stuck with
me, lover.

Ranma [sobbing like Soun]: My descendent is making a mockery of our 
family!  I'm so ashamed!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Ami: It's eerie how well he does that.

        [Ifurita and A-kun nod in agreement.]

Butaga: Well, it didn't help that your old man and my old
man got

Ami: Back?  Ranma got back!

together 

A-kun: Eewwww!

        [Ranma's head explodes.]

and decided to get us engaged when we were born.

Ifurita: I wonder how drunk they were.

A-kun: Knowing Ranma, he was probably reciting the Necronomicon without 
knowing it.

Uma: You can't fight fate.

Ami: That's not true!

A-kun: No, Ami-chan, you can't fight fate.  You can play poker with him 
and beat the pants off of him, but you can't fight him.  Besides, 
Predestiny is the one you should look out for.  She cheats.

        [Ranma's head grows back.]

Butaga: Your father brought the sake. Not mine.

Ifurita: Actually, Butaga, we have satelite photos of Brad Pitt's butt.

Ranma: Not to mention satelite photos of Pamela Anderson undressing.

A-kun: How does that prove who brought the sake?

Ranma: It doesn't, but you have admit, these angles are fantastic!

A-kun [grabbing the photos]: Give me those!  [looks at them]  You're 
right.

Interviewer: Amazing how salmon can make people forget.

All:...the hell?

Ifurita: Since WHEN did fish affect memory?

Uma: Especially when followed by rice wine. [3]

All: JUST CALL IT SAKE!!!

Butaga: I'm leaving.

A-kun: GOOD FOR YOU!

Interviewer: But won't you get lost?

Ifurita [Butaga]: Yeah, at least I'll be out of THIS fic!  Bleah!

Butaga: I'm not my father. Besides, he cured the Hibiki
Bloodline
Curse before I was born.

Ami: A-kun, may I?

A-kun: I invest you with the authorization to do so.

Ami: Good.  IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR RYOGA TO HAVE CURED HIS MISDIRECTION!!!!  
LEARN FROM THE AUTHORS BEFORE YOU!!!  NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO CURE HIS 
MISDIRECTION!!!  THERE IS A FIFTY-FIFTY CHANCE HIS CHILDREN WOULD NOT 
INHERIT THE CURSE, BUT RYOGA HIMSELF CANNOT BE CURED!!!!

(looks at Uma) I just wish he would
have

A-kun: Gotten a better author to write this story!  Yeesh!

hitched me up with a cute girl instead of you.

Ifurita and Ami: Hmmmm, are you sure this is RYOGA'S kid?  He has shades 
of Ranma.

Ranma: HEY!  I'm not low enough to sleep with Akari!  Besides, Ryoga and 
I have been friends in here for years.  Like I want him to start picking 
fights with me again.

(Uma picks up a table, and clobbers Butaga)

Ranma: Ah, memories.  They're like the cornerstones of my mind or 
something like that.

Interviewer (recovering from that display of violence):

A-kun: <snicker> Yeah, right.  Like he'll be doing THAT anytime soon.

Well, we are
out of time. Tune in tomorrow when we will have on >Takahashi Rumiko,

All [Bowing and scraping]: Megami-sama, Megami-sama!

Ami [thinking]: If I do this for her, maybe she can convince Naoko-sama 
to continue writing on Sailor Moon!

and The Brothers Brothers.

All:....the hell?

Thank you, and keep safe.

Ranma [in a Vulcan voice]: Live long and prosper.

A-kun: No, no, no!  It's like this! [Vulcan voice]: Live long and 
procreate much!

----------------------------------------------------------->--------------------

A-kun: More barbed wire!  Look out!

[1]: koibito = lover, darling, or boy/girlfriend.

[2]: Bugai is Japanese for Martial Arts, if you did not
know.

Ifurita: SPELLING ERROR!!!  DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!

[3]: Salmon and Rice Wine is both known as Sake (although
with
different kanji, they're both romanized the same).
Coincidence? I
think not.

All: JUST CALL IT SAKE!!!

    Suddenly, a shape appears and taps Stan on the
shoulder. Stan
looks, and Uma appears.

Ami: So who was the shape?  We know Uma is there, but who is the other 
person?

Uma: Um, Stan-kun, you better get busy and start writing >the first

A-kun: <snicker> A character of your own design is threatening you?  
Man, you HAVE to work obedience into them.  For example, my friends.

The ACs [in a trance-like voice]: Yes, master.

The ACs: HUH?!  Wha?!  What happened?

A-kun: Oh, nothing special, guys.  Teeheeheeheehee!

Here's Uma fanfic, or else.

Ifurita: And the Here's Ifurita fanfic, or else!

Stan: Right away.

___________________________________________________________>___

A-kun: AAAAH!!  More laser security!

    Here's Uma, Episode 1.
    By Stanley "Quartzite" Teriaca.
    Special Thanks to Gary Kleppe for spell-checking, and
the FFML
for giving me some info. Domo Aragoto.

A-kun [singing]:...Mister Robot-o.

    Note: Saotome Uma and Hibiki Butaga copyrighted, me,
1996. All
other characters copyrighted Takahashi Rumiko, used without
permission. I am not making money off this, so don't sue.

Ranma: We will!

----------------------------------------------------------->------------------

A-kun: YEESH!  This guy has more security on his fanfics than any other 
author.

    (Any comments? EMail them to teriaca@omnifest.com .)

Opening Theme: Mugamuchu No Kokoro, by Shin-Doko.

All: Shin-Doko?

Ranma: You mean Doco?  Or Doco USA?  Or what?!  TELL US, MAN!!!

Butaga (Voice Over): Enter Uma: The Romantic, Disobedient
Girl.

All (progressively): 0_0, O_O, o_o, %_%, *_*, X_X

----------------------------------------------------------->--------------------

A-kun: Darn barbed wire!

(We open to a country road in Japan. It is currently >raining lightly.

A-kun: Waitaminute!  Oh, wait, it's on a country road.  If it were in 
Nerima, I'd have to remind the author that it NEVER rains 'lightly'.

        [No sooner is A-kun done with that sentence that water drenches 
the four.  A-kun-chan and Ranma-chan look LESS amused.  Ifurita and Ami 
are a bit stunned by this effect.]

A young girl with shoulder length black hair, green blouse,
black
pants, and soft-soled shoes, carrying a green duffel bag >and
a black
umbrella, is being chased by two females. They are both in
their 30's.

Ranma-chan: Well, let me tell you that if one of them IS me, I'd've 
caught that girl by now.

One has shoulder length red hair, tied in a braid, and is
wearing a
red blouse and black pants. The other has short black hair,
a yellow
blouse, and matching pants.)

Ranma-chan: And we have my description-

Red Haired Woman (angrily): Umasora! Come back here! We >said no! [1]

Ranma-chan [as Red Haired Woman]: Umasora, you clean up that mess or 
else you can't have ice cream!

Black Haired Woman: Your father is right. You are too young
to be
engaged.

All:...the hell?

A-kun-chan: HEY!  I thought Ranma and Ryoga set this up?

Ranma-chan: I'm a bit slow.  Who's Umasora?

Ami: I'm guessing that it's Uma's full name.

A-kun-chan [Arnold Swarznegger]: It's NOT A TUMA!

Ifurita: Umasora.  Man, that's a lame joke.  "Sky Horse" my butt!

Uma: You should have thought of that before you engaged me.

Ifurita [Black Haired Woman]: Huh?  Guh.

(Ranma (let's face it, you know who they are by now, in
spite of the
age) suddenly rockets towards Uma.

Ranma-chan: See?

It looks like she will
overtake
Uma, when Uma jumps over her. She slides down the road, and
crashes
into a...panda. Akane starts to run towards Ranma, and Uma
does some
more jumps, and is out of sight.)

Ranma-chan: Yes, a martial artist for 30 years, one of the best in the 
world, is easily dodged by a 16 year (or there about) old that has 
probably not spent more than 10 years doing martial arts.  This is so 
lame.

A-kun-chan: Hush.  It's a fanfic.  Besides, you easily surpassed your 
father.

Ranma-chan: Because I had advantages.  Uma seems no smarter than me at 
that age.  Dad was still whooping me until I was about seventeen.  And 
by this age, I'd know THOUSANDS of dirty tricks and such.

Uma (leaving): Bye-bye.

Ranma-chan (while picking herself up, and addressing the
panda): Was I
ever that difficult, pop?

Ifurita [Panda]: Don't ask me, kid.  I'm just a stupid panda.

Genma-panda (via sign): Yes you were, Ranma my boy.

        [Ranma-chan grumbles.]

Akane: What now?

Ami: Easy, all we do is trick her into a corner-

A-kun-chan:-and use the 'Spanking Machine' on her!

        [The ACs whap A-kun-chan.]

Ranma-chan: Well, we both know where she is going, so we
might as well
head towards there. (to Genma) Want to come along?

Ami [Panda]: Nah, I'm just going to grease myself up and see how far 
down the road I can slide.

Ranma-chan: Ami-chan, that was uncalled for.  Not to mention disgusting!

Genma-panda: She is YOUR daughter. You discipline her.
Besides
(finally getting up) your mother and I have, um, plans for
tonight.

Ifurita: AH!  So that's what your parents call it nowadays.

Akane: Plans?

Ami [laughing evilly]: Yes, *PLANS*.  BWAHAHAHA!  That bank won't know 
what hit them!

        [The others stare at her.]

That means that my father will have to visit
Kasumi and
Tofu for a while.

A-kun-chan: And man, will they be pissed!

(Genma-panda nods his head, then skips away.)

Ranma-chan: EWWWW!!  DAD!  STOP THAT!  You're embarrassing me!

Ranma-chan: Lets go then.

A-kun-chan: USE PUNCTUATION!!!!  It's "Let's go then", not "Lets go 
then"!

Ranma-chan: Here's some prozac.  Take some.

A-kun-chan [swallows some]: Oooh...look at the pretty finches....

(Ranma and Akane leave down the road. The scene changes to >a farm. A
young boy with short black hair just finished something

A-kun-chan: Let me guess....Butthead?  No, uh....Beavis?  No......I'VE 
GOT IT!!  It's Shaft!  He's one mean mother-

ACs: Hush your mouth.

A-kun-chan: Just talking about Shaft.

ACs: Oh yeah...

and enters a
farm house. He is greeted by Ryouga, and a dog with half of
its fur
white, and the other half black. Of course, as is the
custom, the boy
removes his shoes.)

Ifurita: Okay, boy.  Drop your pants.  It's time for <snap of a rubber 
glove> the cavity search.

        [The rest shudder.]

Boy: Hi pop.

Ryouga: Butaga,

A-kun-chan [Ryouga]: How many times do I have to tell you, the full 
title is 'Hello Megami-sama Ryouga-chan'.  And you're suppose to sing "I 
feel pretty, so pretty and witty and-"

        [Ranma-chan swallows back bile.]

A-kun-chan: Sorry Ranma.

Ranma-chan [weakly]:...should be....

you're home?

Ami [Butaga]: No, I decided to visit my mistress's house!  [Normal] 
Twit!

Ifurita [Butaga]: No, I decided to run away, why are you in my cardboard 
tube?!

A-kun-chan [Butaga]: Yes, this is MY home.  I threw you out five months 
ago!

Ranma-chan: Feeling dark, A-kun?

Butaga: I'm not like you, you know.

A-kun-chan [Butaga]: I don't like being called "Megami-sama"...

Ranma-chan [Butaga]: I don't have to wear a diaper everywhere I go...

I don't get lost so
easily.

Ryouga: Are all the chores done?

Ami [Butaga]: Yeah, no thanks to you.

Ifurita [Butaga]: No, I decided that I'd knock off, have fun streaking 
in the red-light district and have my picture posted on the front page 
of the National Enquirer for the month.

Butaga: Yes. The pigs are all fed, the fence is mended, and
the wallow
is full.

A-kun-chan: You have permission to wallow in your suffering, Ryoga...

So, pop, where are you going?

A-kun-chan [Interviewer]: [whining] I'm cold and wolves are after me...

Ryouga: The bathing room.

Ami [Butaga]: Uh, dad?  That's the outhouse.

Ranma-chan [Ryouga]: Same difference.

Butaga (to the dog): Jogen, go find the bathing area for
pop.

A-kun-chan [the dog]: Sure, but who the hell are you talking to?

(Jogen barks, then takes off. Ryouga follows.)

A-kun-chan: So it barfs, then takes off.  Smart dog.

Ifurita: Yeah, it barfs in Butaga's shoes, Butaga gets revolted and he 
leaves.  The End.

Butaga (to himself): Sometimes, the way I am with animals >is scary.

Ifurita [Butaga]: Booga-booga-booga-booga-booga.

(Butaga walks into another room, and is greeted by Akari.
She is
currently wearing a whitish dress (perhaps off white), and
an apron
with little black pigs all about it, and black lettering
saying

Ami: "Where's the bacon"?

Ranma-chan: "Pork, the other white meat"?

Ifurita: "Ever danced with Ryouga on a strip of bacon"?

A-kun-chan: "Pinch the chef"?

        [The ACs pound A-kun-chan.]

"Ernk Ernk".)

Akari: So, are your chores done?

All: NO!

Butaga: Yes, mom.

Akari: Good. Now do the problems on page 250 of your math
book.

Ami: How many times do I have to tell you, I've been finished with math 
for fifteen years.

A-kun-chan: You finished when you were 1 year old?

Ami: Technically, I started in the womb, so I was 'officially' 3 months 
old.

Butaga: But I did that page yesterday. And it is the last
page of the
book.

Akari: Show me.

Ranma-chan [Butaga]: OOPS!  That was in the math book when I was in 
third grade.  Oh well, either way, it's an accomplishment.

(Butaga runs off

Ifurita: AH-HA!

and shows his mom the book, and the fact
that,
yes,

Ami: He was indeed the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

page 250 is done.)

Akari: Darn. That means I have to order another home
schooling math
book from TN Enterprises. What was this one called?

A-kun-chan [Butaga]: Baby's first pop-up Stephen King book.  WHOOPS!  
This isn't my math book!  I never HAD a math book!  The teacher put me 
in a spanking machine when I asked for one.

Ami: But he was schooled from home.

A-kun-chan: Exactly.

Butaga: Algebra.

Akari: Algebra. I wish I knew a lot about that subject. It
would make
grading you easier. Consider today a free day.

Ranma-chan [Butaga]: YAY!  I get to use the Flintstone's phone!

Butaga: Ill be in my room. inform me when pop is out of the
bathing
room (Butaga walks off).

Ami: Well, shouldn't you be concerned about Ill getting ill in your 
room?  And capitalize 'inform'.

(A knock is herd on the door, and Akari answers it. Uma

A-kun-chan:...throws up in Butaga's shoes, like the dog did!

Ranma: Man, she didn't hear a herd at her door?  Is she deaf?

steps in.)

Uma (bowing): Is this the Hibiki Pig Farm?

A-kun-chan: Why is she bowling?  Oh wait, bowing.  Why is she making a 
bow now?

Akari: Yes it is. Who are you?

Ifurita: Ifurita.

Ranma-chan: Saotome Ranma.

Ami: Mizuno Ami or Amy Anderson depending on which side of the Pacific 
we're on.

A-kun-chan: Bill Clinton, I'm running for presidency in 2001.

Ami: Elections aren't until 2000 or 2004.

A-kun-chan: I'm running late that year.

Uma: Saotome Uma.

A-kun-chan [Arnold Swarznegger]: IT'S NOT A TUMA!!

Akari (surprised): Is it that time already? Oh, forgive me.

Ranma-chan: I'm not done cooking my son.  And I need to put the honey 
glazing on him...

Enter and
have some tea.

Uma (while

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