Kasumi the Chef(?)
by Lara Bartram
An Insincere Work


	Kasumi was cleaning up in the kitchen, an everyday practice
for her, when the sounds of fighting rang out through the house.  She
ignored the clamor of chaos that grew in volume until it seemed to
rival a heavy metal rock concert.  Not that Kasumi had ever been to a
heavy metal rock concert.
	She hummed as she wiped the counters down and threw the
leftover crumbs in the garbage.  The weather outside was just so nice.
The sun was out, and she could hear... almost hear the birds singing.
	Something in the other room broke, and Kasumi just knew it was
the vase of flowers she had picked the other day.  Conditions in the
house would have to change soon because it was getting very hard to
find vases she liked in the area.  The one that had just been broken
had been the tenth one in the last two weeks.
	Sighing and gently shaking her head, Kasumi draped the towel
across the little bar on the front of the counter that was there just
for that purpose and left the kitchen.  She would tell Ranma and Akane
to take it outside to avoid destroying anything else.  Why they
insisted in battling in the house, she'd never...
	*SMASH*
	"Kasumi!"  Akane ran to where her sister had fallen and
kneeled next to her prone body.  "Kasumi!" she said again frantically.
She took her sister's limp hand in her own and patted it.  "Are you
OK, Kasumi?"
	Ranma stood back, obviously uncomfortable with the situation.
He had never seen Kasumi really hurt before, and this looked to be
pretty serious.  "Do ya think she's OK?" he asked hesitantly.
	"This is all your fault, _Ranma_, so just go away!" Akane
hissed at him.  She immediately turned her attention back to Kasumi.
"Wake up, Kasumi."
	Kasumi's eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Akane with
confusion in her eyes.  "Akane?" she asked.
	"I'm right here, Kasumi.  It was all that idiot Ranma's fault.
How's your head?"
	Kasumi sat up slowly, looking around.  "A little sore, but not
too bad.  What did I get hit with?"
	Ranma had enough sense to look embarrassed.  "The phone."
	Kasumi blinked and looked at the phone on the floor to her
left.  "Oh dear," she said, and picked up the handset.  In fact, there
was someone talking on the other end, speaking in a foreign language.
"I'm sorry, this seems to be the wrong number," she said to the
mysterious second party and hung up.
	"Let's get you to Doctor Tofu.  He'll be able to see if you've
got a bump or something," Akane offered, still holding her hand.
	Kasumi winced very slightly as she started to stand and
nodded.

[A week later]

	"Kasumi, this chicken is really good!"
	Kasumi smiled.  "Thank you , Akane.  It's a new recipe.  I'm
glad you like it."  Kasumi began to eat daintily as the rest of the
diners dug in to their dinners.

[Two days later]

	"Great chicken, Kasumi."
	"Thank you, Ranma."

{Next day]

	Akane ate dinner with a bit less enthusiasm than normal.
	"How is your chicken, Akane?" Kasumi asked her.
	"Just great," Akane replied, rather underwhelmed.
	Kasumi smiled at her and ate as if she didn't have a care in
the world.

[The next day]

	Akane growled in frustration.  "Not chicken again!  I am so
_sick_ of chicken.  Chicken this and chicken that.  Chicken for lunch,
chicken for dinner.  What is it with all this chicken?"
	Everyone just stared at her, causing her to look down at her
dinner.
	"Sorry," she mumbled, and began to eat.

[Next day]

	It was just before dinner that Akane snuck downstairs.  It was
strange.  Before, they had the simple curtain in the doorway to the
kitchen, but Kasumi had it replaced with an honest to goodness door.
And she didn't like anyone interrupting her during meal preparations.
	This was all decidedly unlike Kasumi, and Akane planned on
finding out just what was going on.
	She tip-toed down the hall and stood in front of the heavy
wooden door.  Gingerly, she pressed her ear against it and tried to
listen.  Damn, the door was thick; she couldn't hear anything except a
very faint clatter of pans.
	Getting bold, Akane pushed the swinging door slightly and
opened it a crack.  It was a definite surprise to hear the clucking of
chickens.  And the clatter of pans.  A _lot_ of pans.  Curiosity
peaked, Akane opened the door a little more and looked inside the
kitchen.  Her eyes almost bulged from her head.
	There were chickens running all around the kitchen floor,
feathers flying everywhere, and Kasumi was standing at the stove, her
back to the door.
	Akane watched with complete fascination as Kasumi grabbed a
live chicken by the neck and proceeded to attempt to stuff the entire
thing in a giant pot with steam coming from it.
	The chicken protested furiously, flapping its pitiful wings
and squalling pathetically.
	"Goood, chiggy."
	Akane's jaw dropped.
	"Goood, chiggy."
	The chicken really had enough of the pot and broke free,
running across the counter, squawking.
	"Bad, chiggy."  Kasumi watched the chicken go, then dismissed
it for the moment, turning her attention to the vegetables on the
counter next to her.  She grabbed her knife in preparation to slice
the vegetables and loomed over them.
	Akane couldn't see her face, and she wasn't sure she wanted
to.  It was even worse when Kasumi started singing, in what sounded
like complete gibberish.
	Kasumi's arm rose and fell, hacking the greens to pieces,
quickly, but chaotically.  "Hergie hergie," she said in a strange
accent.  Kasumi lifted her arm and brought the knife down brutally on
a carrot, sending one half of it flying off to the other side of the
kitchen.
	Kasumi unceremoniously dumped the vegetables in the pot and
went to grab her spoon.  But... the spoon was not there.  "Spoon?"
Kasumi asked, looking around the counter.  "Spoon?"  She opened a
drawer and began pulling kitchen implements out.
	First it was a can opener.  Kasumi looked at it, saying
"Spoon?" then hurling it over her shoulder.  Second was a pair of
kitchen scissors.  Those too were flung behind her.
	Akane had to pull her head back when the scissors flew at her
and stuck in the wood of the door.
	Soon enough, things were flying everywhere as Kasumi quested
for her spoon.  Pots and pans, chickens, vegetables...  There seemed
to be a storm raging in the confines of the Tendo kitchen, with
Kasumi at the center.
	Finally finding the spoon and stirring the vegetables, Kasumi
went after another chicken.  "Here, chiggy," she called and snapped up
one of the birds by the neck.  "Pud the chiggy in the pod," she said,
speaking to either herself or the chicken, and tried to stuff the bird
into the steaming water in the pot.
	She managed to get the chicken into the pot, when she
liberally beta it over the head with the spoon.  "Chiggy in the pod,"
she said proudly.
	From Akane's view, she didn't know exactly what was going on,
except that it looked like her sister was attempting to do some sort
of martial art with the spoon, the knife and baster.  All the while,
Kasumi was speaking gibberish, punctuated with "hergie hergie" as the
baster flew out of her hand.
	The chicken poked its head groggily over the top of the pot
only to be beat back down by Kasumi's spoon while she proudly 
exclaimed, "Bork bork bork!"
	That was it.  It was too much for Akane.  She fled back down
the hall, up the stairs and hid in her room.  Her sister had gone mad.
That was the only explanation.  It was the only possible way she could
explain what she had seen in the kitchen.
	Because once again, they would be having chicken!  It just
wasn't fair!

END