Hmm.  Is it my turn now to hazard some criticism towards a well-
written story by a respected author?   

Up to this chapter, things have been going very well.  Interesting
premise, colorful writing, everybody staying pretty close to being
in character (though Ranma seems to have grown a few more 
ounces of brain than usual - certain liberties are justifiable, given
the kind of story this is).  I had some real problems with this 
chapter, though.  

    "What's that?"
    "Ki.  You need to learn how to control and use your ki."
    "Ki?  You mean like your Hiryuu Shouten Ha and the Mouko
Takabisha?  I don't want to learn those."  She frowned.

Why not?  Are we to assume that Akane hasn't learned any special
techniques simply because she doesn't want to?   I'm sorry, but this
really doesn't seem to fit with Akane's feisty personality.  If you have
some reason why she'd reject learning these powerful techniques,
I'd suggest that you include it.  

    Ranma sighed.  "Yes, like them... but also jumping, and also...
like your mallet."
    "My mallet?  What about my mallet?"
    "Have you ever thought about how you're able to hit me with
that mallet so easily all the time?"  She was about to protest but
he held up a hand imperiously and held her eyes with his gaze.  She
started to fume at his manner.  "Normally you can't lay a finger on
me but you get me almost every time with that mallet of yours.  Do
you know why?  

<snip>

... You can hit
other people with that mallet that you normally can't touch."

<snip>

    "Yes.  Now listen.  Where does that mallet come from?"
    "I... I...  It's always there when I need it, right to hand..."
Akane's voice trailed off in shocked realisation.  "It's ki, isn't
it?"
    Ranma nodded.  "And I wish I knew how you did it.  But that's
not important right now!  What *is* important is that you've got to
learn to control it before you accidentally kill somebody... such as
me... with it."  Ruefully he rubbed his head.

     
I've seen this convention brought to bear in fanfics before, and I must
say that I find it very unconvincing.  It assumes two things:

1) Akane is a better fighter when she uses a mallet than at any other
    time.
2) Pulling a mallet out of nowhere is, somehow, a big deal.

The first point is hard for me to swallow.  When Akane lashes out and
tags Ranma in anger, she does so in any number of ways.  In the 
manga, her preferred method seems to be the skyward boot.  In both
the manga and anime, she also tends to grab whatever blunt object is
handy and thump him with that.  Why she's able to nail Ranma 
sometimes while she's completely incapable of hitting him at others
is a question which fanfic authors have answered in various ways.  
But making the assumption that she is somehow more accurate or
skilled when using a mallet is introducing an element to the Ranma
continuity which is simply not present in the source material.  

The second point is even more frustrating to me.  Everybody pulls
stuff out of nowhere in Ranma 1/2.  Where does Soun get that 
microphone?  Where does Ranma get his girl disguises?  Where
does Genma get his clothes and glasses when he changes?  
Where does Kodachi keep her weapons and flowers?  Where do
all those water buckets and tea kettles come from?  They're all
just props for gags that Takahashi likes to employ.  Of course they
don't make sense.  

In your story, though (as in others where attention is focused on 
Akane's mallet), the characters are suddenly starting to take the gag
seriously.  They do so by ignoring all the other instances of 
spontaneous prop generation, which, to me, is very implausible.
If the mallet exists, it should exist as a joke item.  If you're using
a more serious variant of the Ranma universe (which is a perfectly
acceptable way to write), drop the gag.  

I don't think it's necessary for your story.  For Ranma to decide to
finally take an active hand in training Akane is a plausible enough
character development, given the way the story has gone.  The 
whole mallet thing is an unnecessary distraction, and a version of 
this scene without the mallet business would be much stronger.

That's my take on it, anyway.

 

    "So, Ryouga, could *you* have stopped Shampoo?" asked Nabiki.
    "Of course!"
    "So why didn't you?"
    "I... but I... I wasn't here!  Akane needs protection!  How
many times has she been kidnapped since he came here?  Ranma should
have--"
    "You're saying I shouldn't go out alone?!  That I have to
depend on Ranma for protection?!  Is that it?!" yelled Akane.
    "I..."
    "Well that's fine by me!! At least he's reliable, unlike
*someone* who gets lost so often he's hardly ever here and even when
he is all he can do is sit there and gloat and accuse other
people!!"
    Ryouga stared at Akane in shock.  "But... Akane... I..."
    Kasumi lifted the tea pot.  "Would anybody like some more tea?"
    Outside, the rain got heavier.
    

     
I dislike this portrayal of Ryouga, though it is within the bounds of his
character to behave the way in which he's behaving.  I also find the 
portrayal of Akane here unconvincing - she is usually much kinder-natured
towards Ryouga, much more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
You could make a case that, as her feelings change towards Ranma,
she's adjusting her view on Ryouga as well.  This is a very radical shift -
she takes a cheap shot at what is essentially a disability for Ryouga 
(his sense of direction).  Yes, she has taken cheap shots at Ranma in
the past about things which aren't his fault, so it is conceivable that
she'd do the same to Ryouga now... though the emotional dynamic is 
extremely different.  It isn't very palatable to me, but I can swallow it as 
plausible.

However, this Ryouga at the end here is simply not the one we know.
His reaction to Akane's words is to stare in shock, then to wander off
later.  I submit to you that Ryouga would be utterly shattered by such
a cruel admonishment from Akane.  His reaction would be far, far more
extreme.  

This 'fic uses a fair few Japanese words.  I've tried to use them
only where the meaning they express is more precise than the English
equivalent... or where there is no easy equivalent in English.  I've
attached a glossary.

I think you're overdoing it with the Japanese inserts.  Knowing the words
is interesting, but I find it very distracting and I haven't seen where it adds
much to the story, or clarifies the concepts which you're trying to express.
"Jiji," for instance, says nothing more to me than "old fart" would, nor do 
I see why using "oyaji" is any more effective than saying "stupid old man."
I mean, we do know that they're speaking Japanese the entire time, and 
that a shift is being made in the translation.  I understand the desire to 
preserve the cultural integrity of the characters and dialogue, but I think 
you needn't be so picky about it.


Look, overall, I've been enjoying the tale, especially the first two parts.
I hadn't read it prior to this re-posting effort, and I am looking forward to
the next parts.  There were just some elements of this chapter that
I thought could use some work.

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless