Now, when I heard that St Ukyo was the #1 voted OOC, well, I was really,
really flattered. I felt it deserved a repost, to celebrate (or something
like that. S'my excuse anyway, and I'm sticking to it! Not even under
torture will I change my excuse! Not even if you force me to marry Cologne!
Not even if you turn me into a cat and lock me in a room with Oscar! Not
even if you make Gendo my father! Ahahahahahahaha!)

Right! Now that I've got me preliminary rant out of the way, I'm free to
give you the disclaimer, and then (horror of horrors!) the fic! Ranma 1/2
is the creation of one (1) Rumiko Takahashi, who in no way, explicit,
implicit, or otherwise has given me permission to use her work in any
way/shape/form. My intentions for doing this are not for profit, nor have
I any plans to use the surge of (un)popularity and ride the wave to
conquering the world (I've other plans on how to do that!)

So, without further ado:


	"Ranma!" the demon thundered, her sledgehammer ready to pound him into
submission for yet another minor transgression, "Come back here!"

	Ranma fled the wrath of the short-haired demon and her noxious experiments
in what was loosely termed "cooking" (although that implied something
edible, which was not a term one could even charitably apply to Akane's
cooking). Ranma took one look at the (no, I refuse to call it food, that's
just too much a travesty) mostly organic compounds (and even then I may be
stretching it a bit), and ran, engaging in the "flight" part of the "flight
or fight" reflex.
	Unfortunately for Ranma, this reflex didn't really have a destination in
mind, and so he found himself trapped in a corner, with the oversized
hammer and the mostly organic compounds being wielded by someone who
obviously had his worst interests at heart.
	Just when things were at their darkest for Ranma, he heard... Harpo? No,
wait... that can't be right. For one thing, Harpo was a Marx brother, and
he didn't talk. For another, Harpo was dead, and you know what they say
about dead Harpos. Harp! That's the word I was looking for! Ranma heard
harps.								   
 	Saint Ukyo descended, come to rescue Ranma from the horrible life he was
about to end with Akane, whose fury had surpassed apoplectic proportions
some time ago.

	"I have come to take you to a better life Ranma. One where you can
practise your martial arts, and feed on okinomiyaki whenever you wish,
lovingly made by me, you cute, dependable, unselfish, kind-hearted
fiancee," Saint Ukyo said with her kind, dulcet voice.

	"Wait!" screeched the harridan Akane. "You can't be a saint! For one,
becoming a saint happens after you die!" Fire and brimstone came out of
Akane's foul mouth, escorting her harsh voice.

	Saint Ukyo looked perplexed. "You're right, o not-as-nice-as-I-but-God
loves-everyone-and-you-must-have-some-sort-of-redeemable-quality-although-I
don't-know-what-it-is-other-fiancee of my beloved Ranma. Whatever shall we
do about that?" Saint Ukyo asked, her loving tones and words a balm on
Ranma's ragged soul. Merely basking in her divine presence was rejuvenating
him.

	The foul demoness smiled. "I know just the thing," she grated out, hefting
her hammer menacingly.

	A savage blow to the head, and it was over. Ranma quailed anew at the
sight of the fair Saint Ukyo's brains, bits of skull, and various other bit
of her head adorned the head of the evil Akane's hammer.

	"Now, where were we?" the evil one smiled.

	Ranma prayed, asking Saint Ukyo to help him in his hour of need, and it
came. The wall next to the hell-spawn Akane collapsed, and after the dust
cleared, a figure could be made out. A figure holding... ...oh bugger,
can't remember the word. You know. Whatsisname again. The thingy. Holds
food. Takeout box! That's it! A figure holding a takeout box! And let me
tell you, what a figure! Hubba-hubba! More curves than something with a
whole lot of curves. And the figure spoke.

	"Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo come with too-too delicious Ramen for you. You eat
and then take Shampoo on date, yes?" the figure (Shampoo, if you haven't
guessed by now) bubbled out with glee.

	The demon Akane had been underneath the collapsing wall, and did not
survive. Ranma was so overjoyed that he was spared, that he exclaimed
joyfully, "No Shampoo, I won't date you. Instead, I'll marry you!"

	"Aiyah!" Shampoo ran to Ranma and gave him a near bone-crushing hug, which
he returned. "Shampoo so happy! We go get great grandmother now! We no pass
go, we no collect two hundred dollars. We no even stop for regular opium
delivery!" Face it, we all know all about Shampoo and Cologne and about
their drugs, right? What else do you think these rare herbs and potions
are? Yeah, they supply to the yakuza, and in exchange they make a tidy
profit, and don't have to worry about Immigration on their backs or anything.

	Anyway, Ranma and Shampoo got married, and due to another miracle from
Ukyo, Mousse gave up on Shampoo and married Kodachi, who adapted his Hidden
Weapon style to her Rhythmic Gymnastics. Ukyo was beatified, and had a
Papal investigation, which found the two events (Ranma's being saved by
Shampoo, and Mousse's marriage) to be miracles, and Ukyo was canonised in
due time, becoming a saint in truth.

	-The End- (but wait! there's more! Take a look past the second paragraph
after this to see what I mean!)


The moral of this story is that you shouldn't do drugs. After all, if a
mind not on drugs could come up with this, what do you think a mind on
drugs could do?
^_^

And now, a suggestion from a very prominent and talented fanfic author who
shall remain nameless (but who answers to the name of Gary Kleppe, and can
be reached at KLEPPE@execpc.com). Bow to the talented and prominent
nameless author who hands out C&C like a recruiter for a cult trying to
gain new members! Bow! Bow! (wow!)
	And that was my after story rant....

Ranma and Shamps wake up in their bed as a beam of light streaming
through the window coalesces into the form of Ukyo. She tells them that
she's there as a messenger from heaven, and that Shampoo is hereby
instructed to go and marry Konatsu or feel the force of the Holy
Spatula. Ranma, she says, is to marry Ukyo posthumously, and to spend
his life travelling throughout Japan, hunting down the people who made
fun of her when she was in grade school.

Shampoo then accuses Ukyo of using her new status to carry out her
personal vendetta. She observes that the Ukyo in this story has gone
from being unselfish and kind-hearted to being as greedy, manipulative,
and tempramental as anyone else.

"Simple," Ukyo's manifestation says. "I've been canonized!"



Me back again. I forgot to say one thing: Give me and Gary lot's of C&C on
any of our works, or else we'll boo-yah the lot 'o ya! (And hey! It just so
happens that there seems to be a repost of the Preludes for Hearts and
Minds hitting the list! What an opportunity to give the nameless one who we
shall refer to as Gary because that's his name and doesn't that really make
him not nameless after all? who probably C&Ced you after all some C&C as
well? C'mon, you owe it to him! I gonna, and you should too! Everybody's
doing it, and you should too! Give in to peer pressure!)
	(I'd like to take this moment here to distance Gary from the above rant--
it was purely of my own doing, and Gary had no inkling I was going to say
such things. Besides, it fall under my Author's Notes heading, which in my
case usually means not to be taken too literally and with large doses of
humourous intent [although a shot or two of booze couldn't hurt, either!])

	Thus ends the end of message rant. Now, gedoudda here. Show's over. Move,
vamoose, shoo, scat....
(Hmmmm, am I being a little more quirky than usual, or am I normally this
bad? Now that I think of it, do I really want an answer?) :-)


Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis is:
Maybeso (or possibly Definitelyso)on IRC
Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
Member of:
FFML, FFIRCML, El Hazard ML
	maybeso@ican.net
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For the cleanest shave, use Occam's Razor!
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