Yay! A BGC fanfic by Jusenkyo Guide! Winter Blossoms!
And by someone from the #SkAS#. Bring on the Norns, err, Nene!
Since others have been posting their C&C, I'll post one instead
of sending it by email. Maybe this'll improve the spam vs C&C
ratio. ***warning*** This is a C&C for a lemon fanfic.
Note: Please excuse me if I do not gush "Great!" or "Ha Ha Ha"
in the comments. It's safe to assume that I DID ENJOY it a
lot (moreso enuf to C&C on it), but note that I usually take
write C&C in a "practical" way as opposed to an "egoboo" way,
so my C&C typically lack a lot of egoboo statements.
On the roof, two BU-55c�s had been cornered after they had gone
berserk earlier that evening. The ADP suspected that overwork
had let to a shutdown in their safety systems; making the two
boomers go on a rampage that had left many dead and injured.
Ahh, it starts out serious. Well, at least the lights are dim
for the lemon.
I always like speculating on various wordings. Heh, usually
my version is more stilted, but that doesn't always stop me.
I didn't like the word "overwork", so struggled to find an
alternate wording such as: The ADP suspected that
overtasking had led to a shutdown in their safety systems
resulting in a rampage that had left many dead and injured.
You could choose to explain words or not.
On the roof the Knight Sabers danced.
Sets the tone for a more lighthearted story. Thank you.
Sylia sighed, "Priss are you chewing bubblegum again?"
I presumed that Priss went out that nite to chew bubblegum and
kick ass, and now she's run out of bubblegum. (infamous
quote by Roddy Piper where he indicates to the crowd that he
came to town to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he's NOW all
out of bubblegum). I was expecting a play on that quote here
and instead you twisted it differently than I expected! Next,
they'll be watching an animated show about hardsuits...
Nene giggled, "A bubblegum crisis!"
The rest of the group groaned. "Nene!" they all complained together.
Oww! That joke really burst their bubble!
From the safety of the Silky Doll wagon, Mackie watched the
group destroy two more of Genom�s best sellers. He focussed
Typo: Focussed should be Focused. I like these tongue-in-cheek
comments of yours like "Genom's best sellers". Heh.
The Knight Sabers leapt from the rooftop to the wagon waiting
for them below.
Was that a modified truck or a wagon? Oh well, it doesn't matter.
As long as it isn't that accursed Silky Doll vehicle that advertises
the name of the shop for everyone to see as the KS enter and leave
that vehicle.
"After that pun? Forget it, you�re on your own," the RetoThrash
singer told her.
Typo: RetoThrash should be RetroThrash. Or retro-thrash.
Sylia smiled again at the younger girl. "Why of course Nene,
Add comma: Why, of course, Nene
"Ok sis," Mackie said.
Spelling styles aside, how about: Okay, sis
Up above in the garage, Mackie spent the time tuning up one of
the bikes that were lying around. A tap on the shoulder caused
him to turn. There standing behind him was Nene.
Heh, while he is facing Nene, she is still standing behind him, or
that is how I read in the last sentence.
If Nene is testing her "Ghost Saber" holographic disguise hardsuit,
that would be okay, but she is not wearing that here.
A transformed Nene.
Ack! I read this as "A transformed Norn" at first glance, but
the words changed to Nene after re-reading. I think I've been
reading too much #SkAS# fanfic in the summer heat.
"Man, you�re lucky she didn�t decide to knee you in a lower area,"
Priss noted.
Mackie winced at the thought.
"All right," she said, "We�ll help you. First of all, get rid of
the idea that you like her. A girl doesn�t want to be liked
Mackie, she want�s to be loved."
Typo: want's should be wants
"OK," Mackie said.
The "OK" is fine here since it is spelled either all in caps
or in its non-abbreviated word form "okay".
"The best kind, it�s hot, fast, and sexy. It says that every
time you have it purring between your legs, I want you to
remember me!" Priss said.
Mackie blushed beet red.
Ahh, he's blushing red because he was probably going to
soup up Priss's bike as a birthday present, and now, he'll
have to think of something else so she'll not misconstrue
the gesture.
Hmmm. Or was a souped up motorbike going to be the
present Sylia was going to give to Priss?
Giggling, Nene turned to pick up her coat, "Thank you Sylia,
this really means a lot to me," she said.
"Just remember to have fun dear," Sylia said.
As Nene turned to leave, she paused for a second, "Oh Sylia?"
Add comma: "Oh, Sylia?"
"Yes Nene?" Sylia asked while shutting off the equipment.
Add comma: "Yes, Nene?" Wooah. The shortness of the questions
and answers makes it seem like a forced conversation if that is the
mood you want here.
Oh, Sylia?
Yes, Nene?
<and a third time makes it alliterative!>
Linna unfolded the note and then she and Priss read it together.
�Wait ten minutes. Then close the garage and come to the Lady�s
633 building. Come in the back way quietly and meet me in the
control room. Bring your own popcorn. Sylia�
Even though this is a lemon fic, Sylia would not forget security
and put into a note: building address, fact that there is a control
room, and then sign her name. Beside, the Sylia doesn't need
to sign the note as she is handing it to them.
How about: Linna unfolded the mysterious note and then she and
Priss read it together. 'Wait 10 minutes. Then close up and come
in the back way quietly and meet me in the control room. Bring
your own popcorn.'
"This was planed between you two wasn�t it?" Linna stated.
Hmm? planed should be planned.
She looks damn good.� He said the �damn good� out loud.
The last sentence might blend closer with the paragraph if you
indicate that he did not realize that he had verbalized his
thought out loud.
Mackie finally got his mouth in gear, "You, you uh, look really
good Nene," he said in sort of a squeak.
Squeak! Pass the cheese! Poor Mackie! Caught like a
deer in two headlamps. Two very bright headlamps.
He could feel her erect nipples through the lace that she wore
and the shirt that he was wearing.
He was wearing a thick flannel shirt at the time too!
When her nipples brushed against his chest Nene let out a small
moan of pleasure. "Why don�t you join me Mackie?" she asked
again, still rubbing.
The ending of the sentence doesn't indicate what she is rubbing.
Ahh, when in doubt, always substitute Oscar's Tennis. ^_^;;;;;
Nene wrapped her arms around him again, �Then in that case��
she left it hanging and looked at the boxers that Mackie was
still wearing. He got the hint.
Her position makes it harder for her to look at the boxers. It would
be more likely (and sensual) if you indicated that Nene slid one hand
down in a caress and stroked the waistband of the boxers. Or if
you want her more playful, she can pull the waistband up and let go
with a "snap" as the elastic band....
Mackie laughed slightly and slid his boxers off. Nene spread her
legs apart for him and Mackie positioned himself between them.
The cream lemon style just spreads the legs. Why not a more
"genteel" wording for Nene? Okay, okay, I am fond of Nene and
personally prefer genteel wording for her. There are plenty
of alternative wordings.
She was quite wet and griped him wonderfully tight.
Hmm: "griped" provides material for an MST. Or, Nene could
actually have griped him by his tennis.
"Check and mate," she said.
"Staring at the monitors displaying closeups of Mackie's
flushed face, Linna exclaimed 'Gad, you're a Hottie!" Priss
promptly squeaked on the cheese ball she was munching as
Sylia winked knowingly at Linna.
In chess, there is a winner and a loser. But this time everyone
wins! Nice lemon! I hope Priss gets her bike just the way
she likes it. Four cylinders with twin balanced cranks.
I would have especially liked to see Nene in a more romantic
light (or does a Jusenkyo Guide usually describe things in a
ranmatic light?).
Thank you for posting the BGC fanfic to FFML!
--- okay, you've got a SIG big enuf to use as an
excuse to continue commenting upon! ----
Here sir we come to famous training ground of accursed springs
Has anyone ever tried to "reprogram" one of the accursed springs
by drowing themselves in the spring, having her/his friends pull
the dead body out, and then reviving the body back to life? Or
would the spring "forget" if the body that died in the spring was
brought back to life after drowing there?
Next thing you'll know is that some company drowns specimens
of creatures they want lots of copies of.
Or, a "meteor" (eg space survival capsule) accidentally lands in
a spring, and an Alien drowns there. Ooops, Yotsuya falls into
that spring by accident! Or better, Kasumi.
Well, okay, it was not a comment about your sig, but an
excuse to post more alternate plot idea spam. ^_^
--------------------------------------------------------------
|Guide of the training grounds|Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, BGC, |
|of accursed springs, 8th |AMG, Tank Police, Gall Force, |
|Disciple of Eriond, and proud|YUA, GitS, ADP, Evangelion |
| member of the #SkAS# |Project A-ko, UY, VPM, BGC! |
|--------http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/6549 ----------------|
|Akane, Linna, Washu, Nene, |Nene showed Mackie just how |
|Skuld, Belldandy, Kiyone |much she knew. Winter Blossoms|
---------------------------Jusenkyo---------------------------
Startide (sniffing winter blossoms)
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