Please email all C&C directly to me at <apcarey@midway.uchicago.edu>
I can't handle the amount of traffic the FFML generates, and have been
told this is acceptable practice.  I'll welcome any commentary, but
please, let's keep the discussion at the courteous level of literature;
flames will be immediately dispatched to the bit bucket.

    Alright, here goes.  First off, I like the core concept.  While you 
will need to justify quite a bit of the characterization of Akane, your 
writing style is adept and fluid enough to make me willing to wait for 
the explanations.  There was, however, one slight problem.

    Curiously, it relates to the aforementioned style of writing.  While 
your prose is artful and flowing, and seems well-suited to the story you 
seek to tell, when those same techniques, when applied to speech, can 
cause a jarring dissonance.

    While some characters do, indeed, use language which is slightly 
archaic and stilted (the Kunou children and Kuh Lon come to mind most 
readily, or Hapoussai when he is in his florid storyteller mode), in 
others, it just does not work.  The strongest case of this in your piece 
is in Nabiki's speech.  In the source material, Nabiki's language is 
casual, laidback.  Even in her few serious moments, she is less than 
formal.  

    Note that I do not mean to say that she is careless with her words, 
merely that, like a woman who spends an hour to give her hair a 
carefree, windblown look, Nabiki chooses her words to convey an air of 
casualness and informality, employing double-entendres and back-handed 
compliments rather than direct speech.  Yet in several of the 
conversations in your fic, she comes across as formal as Saotome Nodoka.

    Indeed, "your" Nabiki goes so far as to pronounce Mu Tsu's name 
properly, despite the fact that she frequently refers to others in the 
series with almost shocking informality, a trait matched only by Ukyou 
in the source material.

    One other flaw is in your portrayal of Kasumi.  Unless she has come 
under the influence of some sort of drug/mind control/whatever, Kasumi 
has always insisted that certain forms be upheld in the conduct of Ranma 
and Akane's courtship.  She would _not_ approve of them sleeping 
together before marriage (consider Ryouga's introductory story arc, in 
which she is scandalized by just the suggestion that Ranma had snuck 
into Akane's room at night).

    I hope I have not been too harsh in my criticism.  I also trust that 
you will understand that I only send such critiques to authors whose 
work I have otherwise enjoyed.

--Freemage

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