C&C for [FFML] (BGC) (FF) Sabre Black - The Widow's Legacy,
   Prologue: Spinning the Web

From: Jiro Maeda <hiryu@tri-isys.com>
To: ffml <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] (BGC) (FF) Sabre Black, the Widow's
Legacy  Prolouge: Spinning the Web

Thank you for posting the BGC:SabreBlack teaser.

Typo:  "Prolouge" should be "Prologue"    Note that you
may have conflicts between "Sabre" and "Saber" later on
in the story if you are not careful.  I presume that the
Knight Sabers refer to themselves by that name, but as
individuals, they call themselves Sabre Pink, Sabre Blue,
etcetera???   Or is there another reason for using both
Sabre and Saber in the same storyline?

I know, I know, why not try this angle to work in both
names?   Mention that Lisa had written a series of
articles about the "Knight Sabres" thus sparking some
controversy about "Knight Sabers" or "Knight Sabres".

Of course, in the anime, Nene had used her laser to
write "Knight Sabers" on the sidewalk in Part 1?  I
am too lazy at this moment to get the laserdisc out
and see if that is true or not, so I will trust your
memory as to what Nene wrote on the sidewalk.

Prolouge: Spinning the web

Typo:  Please change "prolouge".  You mean Prologue: 
Spinning The Web

Another boring day, here I am staring at my consul with nothing to do.  It

A slight rewording will make the sentence more expository to
reflect Nene's bored but still brightly perky way of speech.

"Another boring day, and here I am staring at my console"

Note that the typo in consul has been repaired.  Of course, if
you meant "consul" as a trademarked ADP brandname for a
communications console, you'd have to explain it that way. But
Nene would certainly like to get her hands on any of the
latest comm technology.

had been two months since Sylia left and things were back to what seemed to
be normal, everything except me.  Call me crazy but I miss being Sabre

The wording shifted perspective.  I think you would have
more effect with this story if you stuck with descriptive
text of Nene rather than Nene talking to the reader as if
s/he was there.  

The earlier paragraph could be left in as an introductive
reminder to the reader as how perky Nene is with her
speech and manner of thinking.  But this paragraph and
others could be changed to avoid giving the feeling that
Nene is not talking to herself, but is talking to the
reader instead.   For a story that looks like it can
have a good serious dramatic storyline, the prologue is
the place for the first impression.

Pink, battling boomers with Lina, Priss and Sylia.  Nene Romanova, the girl
who hates to train, who never gets past level 4, misses being a Knight

Hmmm.  A little abrupt in the sentence structure.  How about
"Yes, Nene Romanova, the one who hates to train, the one who
never gets past level 4, the one who misses being a Kinght
Saber."   It would be stylistic to leave in the bad grammar
in this case as it was the way Nene chose to speak to
herself.

Sabre.  If Priss could hear my thoughts I would think she would be laughing
like a lunatic by now.  I sigh as I encode several pages worth of reports

It might be more angsty if you tried "I tried to keep from sighing
as I encoded several pages worth of ".....

into the central computer, things could'nt get any worse....could they? 

Typo:  "could'nt" should be "couldn't".

As to getting worse, the Dirty Pair could visit MegaTokyo.  ^_^

Suddenly, my musings are cut short as my name was called in the intercom,
the chief wishes to speak with me.  My friends whistle the "funeral march"
as I head straight for the chief's office.  I enter the room with much
hesitance and I see him, the person who replaced Chief Vannete sitting

Hmm, the above says Nene heads straight for the chief's office with
hesitance.   Seems almost contradictory unless you try a slightly
different word (substitute "trepidation" for "hesitance" and see
if you like the effect).

there looking so forlorn, I decided to announce my presence. "You wanted to
see me sir?" I asked, my voice was shaky, and why wouldn't it be?  My mind

Typo:  should be a comma just prior to the word "sir".

kept suggesting several reasons why I was summoned, half of them connecting
with the Knight Sabres. My waking nightmares ended when he spoke, a grim
tone emphasising the bad news, "Nene, I recieved some very disturbing news,

Typo:  "recieved" should be "received".

apparently your Aunt Natasha is dieing and she wishes to see you right

Typo:  "dieing" should be "dying"

away.  I'm going to allow you two weeks of absentee leave...with pay, after

Since this is a supervisor, he would be wording this to Nene
in official terms.  The ADP would be indicating "bereavement
leave" with pay for two weeks (one week would be generous
for a place like ADP with its huge death rate as seen in the
anime), and maybe you could let the supervisor mention some
discretionary absence for up to two more weeks after that.

I hope that the one week leave of absence leaves you with
enuf room for plotting some interesting events for the other
Sabres in the next week without Nene.

all we wouldn't wish one of our leading investors to think that ..." I
expected that I was found out, that Lisa still had a spare photograph that
wound up in one of the lead papers, that I was being fired for hacking into
the system, but I did not expect this....I didn't hear the rest of what the
chief was saying as I closed the door behind me.  I walked towards my
consul, I didn't notice my friends asking me if I was alright.  Once I got
to my booth I finally lost it, I cried my heart out as my friends tried to

Isn't the ADP setup for Nene based upon "Comm Stations" as opposed
to booths?   In the Bubblegum Crash videos, Nene sat at open desk
areas with other coworkers unless she was at a communication
console of some sort (call that a comm station???).

console me.  It was so embarrasing, but the tears just won't stop, my mind

Typo:  "embarrasing"

If other people tell you to change "won't stop" to "wouldn't stop"
then you might do so, but I think that Nene would be using the
words "won't stop" just as you've written here.

can't help but replay the phrase over and over again... Aunt Natasha
Romanof is dieing...My Aunt Natasha is dieing...She's dieing

Typo:  Romanof

whoohah! prolouge/ teaser finished, kindly resond people

Megareview 6.7 in an MST might have some fun with your
last sentence.

A: What did he mean by "resond"
B:  He meant resend people.
C:  How do you resend people?  
A:  Beam them into constituent atoms like in Trek!
B:  Silly!  This is not Bubblegum Trek (that's been done
   alreeedy!   Hiryu Jiro meant "rescind people" as
   this is a BGC epic where the boomers will rescind
   Nene!
C:  Nooo!  Say, B, you have a typo in "alreeedy".
B:  No problem, the story already had so many typos in
   it that no one will notice if I put one in!
C:  (breaks out the broom)  (waves the broom in air)
A:  What's all that for?
B:  I know, I know, he's sweeping the words off the
    title of the prologue, the part that says "Spinning
    the Web".
C:  (mumbling)  Dinna see any web!
A:  Aww, don't be so disappointed that Nene wasn't a
    Hottie in the prologue.  There's always later!!
B:  Yeah!!  The author can always work in a cameo
    for Vision and that spider mecha of hers!  Now
    that would be an excuse for spinning a web.

A,B,C:  *chorus*  We vant to see the next installment
    of your fanfic!

---

Thanx again for posting the fanfic prologue.  I liked your
storyline and premise.  Looking forward to your next
installment! 

-- Startide

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