With the incredibly rude, arrogant, and unnecessarily public Leifker vs
Kleppe brawl we've been subjected to the past few days, I thought a
little C&C would be just the thing to get everyone back on track as to
why we subscribed to this mailing list...
I am Shiratori Azusa. Together with Sanzenin Mikado, we have been
known as the Golden Pair. Yesterday, we were the undefeated champions
of the high school skating world. Our skill and chemistry has long been
the stuff of legend. We thought we were unbeatable.
You need to pick a tense here and stick with it.
Every once in a while, life throws a curve ball at you, a small
irony. I was thrown one yesterday. Their names were Saotome Ranma and
Tendo Akane. It is almost poetic justice that we met them through my
continual obsession with...
But I must back up, for the tale which I wish to tell begins much
further back than that...
I find the transition in tone from the first paragraph to the second to
be very jarring. I don't think that Azusa's use of an American
colloquialism (life throwing a curve ball at you) at the beginning of
the second paragraph really belongs in your introduction -especially
after the tone you've set in the first paragraph.
My suggestion for the second paragraph:
"We were wrong. Yesterday, I learned that mere skill in martial arts
pair skating was not enough. In Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane I realized
what we were missing. It was almost poetic justice..."
Something along this line, as it will also help unify the theme and tone
of the introduction with the conclusion of the story.
<snip>
Love? Not quite. But there had been something magical about him.
Sanzenin Mikado. That name had obsessed my every thought and dream for
the following weeks. I had also started paying more attention to my
appearance, my clothes, my hair. I am pretty. I have always been told
that. But that day, when I had gotten home and looked in the mirror at
my shoulder length brown hair, my sweater and jeans, I had felt
inadequate. Unworthy. Unworthy of him.
I think you need to start a new paragraph with "I am pretty." Either
that or axe it. The change in tense in the middle of the paragraph,
followed by a return to the tense you were using previously, is really
jarring.
Pushing off the wall, I slid a few meters before I almost stumbled
and fell.
"before I stumbled and almost fell."
The only thing that stopped me was an arm that caught me
around the waist. Flustered by my near fall, I was further shocked to
see that the arm belonged to none other than him. "Mi... Mikado."
Use the spoken part as a new paragraph.
"Should pay more attention when you're skating. A delicate girl
like you could really hurt herself by falling."
"You should..."
If he had only had my heart up to that night, he had gained
mastery over me in my entirety at that point - mind, body, and soul. I
had felt that I had seen the real Mikado, past all the flair and
bravado. I had seen the man who hungered after perfection and had felt
that I knew him.
We had met again for many nights after that, and he had taught me
how to skate.
"We met again... and he taught me how to skate."
I had improved quickly under his tutelage, and as my
skill had grown, I had felt that the small bond we had formed that night
had also grown. He never did show any interest to me, but I hadn't
minded. I had felt that I shared something with him that none of the
other girls did.
Your use of tense of the verb "to be" isn't working in Azusa's
narrative. Lose all of the "hads" and modify your other verbs to the
past tense.
Did I give up that day? No. I still wanted him more than
anything else in the world. So I decided that day, that I would make
myself indispensable to him. He had been looking into finding a partner
for pair skating. I swore that day that I would become that partner. I
would become the best, and then, he wouldn't be able to forget me.
Ever.
"he had been looking for a partner..."
It was about then that it also started.
What started? You stated the obsession theme at the beginning, but
you've written quite bit since then. The pronoun needs an antecedent,
and the reader needs a reminder.
I had always felt
inadequate in my appearance, but that feeling of inferiority was
amplified beyond all measure. I decided that I needed to be cuter. And
to that effect, I grew my hair out again, started wearing make up, and
absolutely changed my demeanor. But above all, I began surrounding
myself with cute things. My obsession had begun.
"To that effect,..."
"There is a pair skating tournament coming up in two months. Only
you are good enough to skate as my pair."
"skate as my partner."
I cocked my head to one side, the look on my face becoming one of
even greater ennui. "What of it?"
"Be mine." Once upon a time, those words would've made me weak at
my knees, my heart flutter, and my head feel light.
"I will."
It sounds like it did, anyway! :) If she is truly nonplussed, you should
add another sentence to the paragraph before she agrees that says
something to this effect.
@->-
And so we were the Golden Pair. From then on, he needed me as
much as I needed him. We were each one half of a pair, yet never a
whole. The fury with which I threw myself into our skating matches
matched his obsession with perfection. The fury born of hatred for all
the other couples. Stepping on the ice, I could always see the caring
and closeness between them. And I hated that thing which they had that
I could never have. And so I set out to destroy them.
Ah, now we come to the crux of the 'fic. I'm not so sure I buy into the
reason for Azusa adopting her kawaii fetish, but *this* I can believe!
When I had suggested the 'Good Bye Whirl', Mikado merely looked
upon it as a tool. I had looked upon it as revenge. If I couldn't have
it, nobody else would.
Ooooo. Now we're getting mean...
@->-
"Got it?! Akane is my fiancee! Lay a lip on her and I'll kill
you!" Ranma yelled. As I heard those words, I felt the rage beginning
to build up within me again, and I knew where this would be heading.
"Your fiancee, huh? Such bonds are fragile. And I will do all in
my power to shatter those bonds!" Mikado's smug words gave me the
signal. We would tear them apart as we had torn apart so many others.
It sounds like Mikado might almost have the same feelings regarding the
lack of warmth in their own pairing as Azusa does.
The next few minutes passed in a surreal deja vu as we entered
into a well practiced routine. I almost felt as if I'd taken a step
back and become a mere observer, the angry shade controlling my body
smoothly snagging Ranma and Akane into the 'Good Bye Whirl.'
As we spun furiously, I heard the exchange between Ranma and
Akane. A long forgotten feeling struggled against its bond within me,
listening to them. Though I brought it back under control once more,
that small slip was enough for me to lose my concentration, and I let go
of Ranma's legs.
The passionless observer gone from my body, I cringed, watching
the two of them flying towards the wall. As they neared, however, Ranma
somehow flipped in midair, and took the brunt of the impact. As they
fell to the ice, however, only one thing caught my eye. They never let
go of their hands.
"As they fell to the ice, only one thing..."
Yesterday, we, the Golden Pair, lost. But more importantly, the
'Good Bye Whirl' was foiled. I had believed Mikado. I had believed
that to reach the perfection that he sought, skill and prowess were all
that mattered. I was wrong. The love and trust between Ranma and Akane
survived us. That which I had given up for Mikado was that which
destroyed us.
An execellent paragraph, but I think you need to spell out how Azusa
consciously makes the decision to become a cold unfeeling perfectionist
a bit more clearly for this part to have the power you desire for it.
We could reclaim our title as champions easily. After all, it had
only been a fluke which had defeated us. But it does not matter to me
any more. I have seen the truth. No matter how good we are, no matter
how hard we work, there is something out there that is greater than us.
I am Shiratori Azusa. We are no longer the Golden Pair.
Am I over him? Only time will tell. Goodnight, Antoinette.
All and all I enjoyed this fic a great deal. I think your biggest
obstacle to overcome is your inconsistantcy in tense, which, given the
"narrative flashback" style of your various works, is an understandable
pitfall. As for Azusa's character, I really got into the idea of her
bitterness as the result of her loveless union with Mikado, but I found
your explanation for her kawaii fetish weak.
The Azusa of your story is far more mature and introspective than her
canonial counterpart, which makes it all the more important for you to
connect her with the ditzy airhead of the manga and anime if you want
the reader to accept your characterization of her. If nothing else,
offer us an excuse for her behavior (not just her penchant for, um,
"collecting" things so much as her whiny, petulant, arrogant
personality) as it pertains to your story.
Jamie