Skeezy5 wrote:

She smiled over the sound of the screaming.  "Lovely, isn't it?"

"Smiling, she said over the sound of the screaming,"

You can't really smile "over" screams.  Also, shouldn't it be "Lovely, 
aren't they?"

Making it singular gives the impression that she is holding up a flower
for him to see.

The man - short, dusty, worn by many years - looked skeptical.  "Er, I
suppose."  He looked down the street, as if looking for an escape.

"...short, dusty, and worn by many years...
I think you have to put in an "and" when there are more than two adjs.
I guess that rule isn't totally applicable here, but it read awkwardly.

This is a common misconception that I held for many years.  In fact, you don't
need the 'and'.  When I first started reading things where the 'and' wasn't
used, I thought it was quite awkward as well, but having been exposed to a
larger quantity of material where the 'and' is left out, I now find it quite
natural.

Her smile grew wider.  "Wouldn't you like one?  Only one gil.  A dozen for
ten gils."

"Um..."  The man looked down at the flower, turned partly away, then shoved
a hand into his pocket.  He pulled out a coin and handed it to her.  He
almost snatched the flower out of her hand and walked hastily away.

At this point, I'd like to say that it took me quite a while to realize I
knew this scene (I've only played about 10 minutes of FF7).  Until realizing
what was going on and who the characters invovled were, I actually thought
that Aeris has some not so nice intentions.  She came off as almost evil.
The tone was well set up in the first few paragraphs and it conveyed the
dark, drab, backstreet feel of the beginning of the game.

She watched after him.  After a few yards, he slowed down.  He raised the
flower in front of him, then slowly tucked it into his shirt.  His pace
increased again, but he wasn't rushing any more.  Rather, he seemed more
vital.

"seemed more vital"... I get what you're trying to say, but "vital" seems 
to be the wrong word.  Taken out of context, your sentance says that he
seemed more crucial..

I liked the use of the word vital.  It gave the sense of him having a bit more
hop in his step and feeling more in touch with the world.

She smiled; she'd been right about him.  She'd sensed the peace in him, and
reached out and tried to touch it.  And he'd listened, and the peace would
grow and spread.

Grammar in second sentance.  It is not a correct compound sentance, as 
there is no subject in the second fragment.  Probably omitting the comma
will do it.  Third sentance is slightly awkward, starting with "and" and
using "and" again as a conjunction. 

Just so, on the second sentence.  I disagree on the third sentence though.
The two 'ands' work well together here, giving a feeling of an ongoing cycle
that did not begin with the giving of the flower and did not end with it.

Her work was not yet done.  She wandered down the street, looking for

others

with the spark inside of them.  Most had it, but buried so deeply she
couldn't touch it, their song so drowned out by the screaming that she
couldn't hear it.

Last sentance reads awkwardly.  

I disagree.

Some noticed that she was looking at them.  Some looked back, and there was
desire in their eyes.  She knew that they found her form pleasing to

look at

it, and wanted more of her.  Some had even made the mistake that she was
selling something more than her flowers.  She smiled at them and corrected
their errors, willing to let them smile at her and help her spread peace.
But nothing more, they would have nothing more from her.  A very few had
tried to forcibly extract more from her.  She never held a grudge, however;
she made a point of healing them afterwards, even revivifying them if
necessary.

4rd Sentance - "the mistake of assuming that she"

A brutally awkward fix to a mildly awkward sentence.  "Some had even 
mistakenly assumed..."

She looked in the sparks, and her mind drifted.  Soon, so soon.  She felt
the patterns in the energy before her and the energy around her, and she
knew what shape those forces would take.  There was a force, warped by

hate,

that would try to seek solace in revenge.  And it was powerful, very
powerful.  Much would be needed to stop it.

1st Sentance - "She looked in the sparks, her mind drifting."

The way it is, there is a feeling of abruptness.  I don't know what it was
meant to convey though, so I can't say which way is better.

3rd Sentance - "... in the enrgy before and around her, ..."

It's much more poetic in the original.  Much more condusive to the theme.

Last Sentance - Reads a bit awkwardly.  "Much effort", "Much help", 
	"Much" something would be better.

Something has to be left to the reader's imagination.  I disagree whole-
heartedly that something needs to come after 'much'.

But in that end, perhaps a beginning.  Maybe, eventually, a reunion.  It
might be too much to hope for.  But she *would* hope for it, and work for
it, because life demanded it of her.  And she loved life so.  Enough to

kill

for it.  Enough to die for it.

For extended monologues, I suggest using ... to indicate pauses in the
thoughts.  It gives more of a feel of the thought hanging, and I always
felt that it visually expresses a train of thought better.

Ellipses (...) are so over-used in fanfiction.  I much prefer the style used
here.  Besides, these thoughts have a sense of finality.  To use ellipses
would take that away.

Second commentator's notes:

Well, like I said, I've never played FF7.  All of my friends talk about
it constantly, so I know a fair bit about it.

Skeezy5 was right, you have to be careful about skewing the perceptions
of people who don't know the characters in pieces like this.  I came
away thinking of Aeris as very serious and practical, although she
seemed a bit whimsical when thinking about her 'romance' with the
'force' who I know virtually nothing about.

I liked how the prose and monologue mixed.  They blended well.

And so ends my first public C&C/comments on comments.

WindDance
winddance@uniserve.com