"Naturally," Soun Tendo said, "all of the credit for the idea
goes to my daughter Nabiki.  I was surprised when she suggested
it, but given all that I've learned over the years, and given the
recklessness of Ranma, his friends, and now his students, it
seemed like a very natural thing to do.  After all, we've always
struggled to put food on the table and keep the house and dojo in
good repair.  Once Ranma and Akane were finally married, the
income that Nabiki brought in from photos of them and
information about them dried up.  We needed a new source of
income."

Dialogue should be short and sweet. Souun is rambling here. Bloated, 
top-heavy dialogue is a problem with many fanfic writers.

Don't have your characters go into lengthy dissertations and clinical 
debates; there's nothing like a long-winded exchange to kill the flow of 
a scene.

       "Ha!  You wish!" Ranma yelled back.  The two leaped
forward, fists and feet flying.  Fifteen seconds into the fight, Ryoga
powered up one of his patented Shishi Hokoudan chi-blasts.  The
firey ball of chi energy flew across the room, narrowly missing
Ranma as he dodged, and blasted the far wall, sending splinters of
wood everywhere.

Shi Shi Houkoudan. Ki.

       "Chi blasts," Soun said, "are a devastating weapon in the
hands of a true martial artist, but they also wreak havoc on
buildings.  With the aid of my new assistant, Daimaru-san, we will
be repairing the damage from the blast you just saw, today on 'This
Old Dojo'."

...It's original, I guess.



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