Red-head MST...
(The scene opens at an apartment's garage where the Tardis is in billions of
pieces. We see Ranma, Ryouga, Andrew, Ryo-ok-hi, Lina, Washu, and A-ko.)
Ryouga: So, how many pieces are there really necessary to the Tardis?
Andrew: I haven't the foggest idea. Are you sure you know what to do, Washu?
Washu: I think so. Wait, they never gave me a manual with the Tardis.
A-ko: We're doomed.
(Suddenly, Roppongi Akemi pops into the garage.)
Akemi: So this is what Mi-zz-ori looks like. Interesting.
Andrew: Um, who are you?
Akemi: I'm Roppongi Akemi. Waitress at the ChaChaMaru. Drunkard extradinare.
Ranma: Oh, you're the one that out-drank Shelfcap in Biles' Fukinnan Summer 6.
Akemi: Yeah. It's was a great Cameo.
(Ryo-ok-hi looks sulked and teleports out of the screen.)
Andrew: Where did Ryo-ok-hi go?
Washu (as she looks at a catalytic converter): Oh, probably to go out and @bap
Mr. Biles on the head. She hates it when she's not included as a cameo in a fic.
What does a time machine need a catalytic converter go?
Ryouga: I don't know. You're the world's greatest scientist. (Washu glares at
Ryouga.)
Andrew: Why don't we watch this fic. Beware, it's a multi-universe cross-over
fic.
Ranma: Which means?
Lina: We're all in it. Except Andrew. (All of the anime characters shudder.)
     Notes, Dedications, and Nightbreak's Assorted Ramblings.

A-ko: I wonder if he has a sister named Daybreak.

     These'll be brief, folks.  Club Anipike grew out of a couple of silly lines I
penned a few weeks ago.  One never knows who'll drop by next or what's on tap at
the bar for anime and fanfic characters.

Andrew: If it's anything like "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" I'm leaving.
Ranma: Too late, it's been done.

     Thanks go to all the folks at Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings, of which I am a
proud member.  To Jamie Jeans who borrowed this little idea to use as his new
MSTing format.  All the best of luck to him.  And to Greenbeans, the author of the
"College Life" series, starring Haruka and Michiru of "Sailor Moon".  I read
fourteen parts in one night.  Whew!  It also started me on this little tack.
     Enjoy, anime lovers.  Enjoy, fanboys.  And enjoy, my friends.

     Oh, yeah.  Every character mentioned herein belongs to their creator. 
Samantha Jones belongs to Jamie Jeans, Tuxedo Chris belongs to Chris Cadwell
(hope I spelled that right), and Pat Lee belongs to. . . whoever.  Any other
self-insertion characters belong to their authors.  "It's three in the morning, do you
know where your writing characters are?"

Andrew: Probably having sex.
A-ko: With P-chan.
Ryouga: Hey! I represent that remark!

                         CLUB ANIPIKE
Washu: Where everyone goes amuck,amuck,amuck.

- - - -
Part 1
- - - -

     Makoto sighed and pulled the band from her ponytail as she stumbled in the
doorway.  Thankfully, the bar had yet to fill up.  She collapsed into the nearest
chair and tossed her headband onto the table.  "If I have to go through _one more_
little "adventure" like the last one. . ."

Washu: Yeah, that was the last time Princess Serena and Princess Nausicaa would
ever get drunk again.
Andrew: What happened?
Washu: They spoke in German.

     Then she blinked as a shadow passed before her.  It resolved itself into the form
of one of the waiters.  He raised one eyebrow, pencil poised over his pad.
     Makoto sighed and reached up, removing her earrings.  "Give me something
with bite."

Ranma: Unfortunately, the waiter turned out to be Demitri from "Vampire
Savior"...

     "S'matter, Mako-chan?" the guy at the next table slurred, "Feeling like a little
nibble later on with . . . "
     She casually reached over and grabbed the City Hunter by his lapels.
     *WHIZZZ! *. . . . *CRASH! *

Ryouga: Ouch.
A-ko: Not bad.
Lina: Should have hit him where it hurt.
     "You may be one of the fastest guns and the best shot in the Anime world," she
told him, dusting her hands off on her long skirt, "But you're still a pervert."

Andrew: So that's how come Happousai is so short!
Ranma: Nah. His mother beat him up when he tried to cope a feel on his mom's
breast, as a baby. It stunned his growth.

     "At least he's an easily-thrashed pervert." another voice said.  "Unlike a lot of
those fanboy otakus out there."

(Everyone looks at Andrew.)
Andrew: Don't look at me.

     Haruka leaned over to pick up Ryo's abandoned bottle and cup, then sat down
at Makoto's table.  "Mind if Michiru and I join you?"
     "Not at all."  She looked up to see Michiru, "Sailor Neptune", standing beside
her seat.  Then she noticed that the two of them were still in their Senshi outfits.

Lina: I take it you don't ID the patrons, Makoto. 
"Something the matter?" Makoto asked, beginning to get up.

Akemi (imitating Michiru): Well, I've picked up this role where all of the
Sailor Senshis were gay and they were trying to protect this American named
Ellen...

     Michiru's hands landed on her shoulders and gently, but firmly, pressed her
back down into her seat.  "No, nothing's the matter." she said softly, "We just got
off work and haven't had time to change back yet."

Andrew (imitating Michiru): Where's a telephone booth when you need one...
     Haruka leaned forward and regarded Makoto thoughtfully.  "You know, it's
none of my business, but you're looking more than a little worn.  Are they
overbooking you in the fanfics again?"
     Makoto sipped the drink the waiter had brought her and nodded slowly.  "Not
just me, but all five of us.  I haven't been this tired since Godzilla and I shared that
fanfic a couple of years ago.  And I won that battle."

A-ko (imit. Michiru): Now, that little dog, on the other hand...

     The blond Outer Senshi grinned almost wickedly.  "Poor you.  Maybe you
should join Michiru and I for a little while.  We've managed a really _sweet_ 
arrangement."
     Makoto looked over her shoulder at Michiru, who still hadn't lifted her hands. 
"Really?  How _sweet_?"
     The teal-haired girl smiled as well, but hers was much warmer.  "Let us just say
that we are . . . comfortable with it."

Andrew: If that doesn't sound like a Lemon fic, I don't know what one is.

     Slumping back, she heaved a sigh.  "Must be nice.  I think that the North
American fans are going to be the death of me.  Their fanfics suck out more energy
than the Negaverse ever did."

Ranma: Mostly from the Oscar-fics, I suspect.

     Then she closed her eyes as Michiru began lightly massaging her shoulders.  All
the anger and frustrations at unworthy otakus and cheap fanfic writers began to
melt away.
     "You should consider taking some time off." whispered Neptune.
     She vaguely heard Haruka chuckle.  "Poor Mako.  All the double billing in
North America and Japan.  Fame getting to you?"
     Makoto tensed up again.  Her eyes flew open and she was about to snap at
Haruka when Michiru squeezed her neck muscles tightly, stifling her reply.
     "That's unfair, Haruka," she chided, "Our turn will come eventually, you
know."
     "Yeah, I know.  And I'm not looking forward to meeting the other me.  Sorry,
Mako."
     "Anyways," Michiru continued, "As Haruka was saying, we have been taking
part in a fanfic about college life.  So far, it's fourteen parts with another ten
expected.  Our author is very nice, too.  She's only used the Senshi twice, which
gives us more time to be ourselves."
     Makoto winced at the pain from Michiru's kneading.  "Wait a. . . I heard about
that series from Ami.  "Greenbeans" or someone is your author?"

(Andrew looks confused.)
Andrew: Greenbeans? And I thought "Twoflower" was bad...
Ranma (groaning): Andrew, you really shouldn't have said THAT...
     "That's her." Haruka confirmed.
     "She told me about her cameo.  I'd _love_ to do something like that."
     Haruka shrugged and poured herself another drink.  "If you want, Mako, I can
ask her for you.  But, I have to say: Don't get your hopes up.  She may say no."
     "<Arigato, Haruka-san>" Makoto murmured, her shoulders now working in
rythym with Michiru's fingers.  She felt a slight disappointment when the girl finally
moved away.
     "Any time, kid." Picking up her cup, Haruka raised it in toast and got to her
feet.  "Listen, we're going to go and mingle a while.  When you're finished with
that drink, order yourself something good and put it on my tab, huh?"

A-ko: Indented or hanging?

     "Haruka-san, I couldn't do that. . ." Makoto started to protest, but was stilled
by a slight shake of Michiru's head.
     The elder Senshi grinned again, much more kindly.  "It's okay.  This series pays
really well.  It's on me."  With that, she took Michiru's arm and the two vanished
into the crowd.
     Voices floated back to Makoto:
     "That was a nice thing you did for her, Michiru."
     "I saw the look in your eye.  If I hadn't given her one, you certainly would
have."
     "What's that supposed to mean?"
     "Just that."
     "What are you . . ."
     Makoto grinned and tipped her chair back against the wall, in order to survey
the rest of the Club Off The Anime Turnpike, or Club Anipike, as it was known.

Andrew: Funny, it looks more like a coffehouse...

     Over in one corner, she could see her North American counterpart, Lita, arm
wrestling with Lina Inverse.  As she watched, Lita forced the sorceress' hand close
to the wood, but stalled.  Lina Inverse would be holding firm for a while.  She
didn't give up easily.  Not when there was a meal at stake.

Lina: Damn straight! (Luna comes in.)

     Elsewhere, Kunou Tatewaki was holding court over by a group of tables.  His
topic tonight was "On the Necessity of Bringing the Natural Elements into Public
Oration" or "Making Your Speeches Cool with Thunder and Lightning." 

Ranma: Rule #1: Don't do this with an umbrella.
Ryouga: Rule #2: Don't use any text from Shakespeare's "The Tempest."

Fan-created characters were gathered around, taking careful notes.
     Also from the cast of Ranma «, Azusa and Mikado were skating effortlessly
through the crowd.  As they whizzed by her table, Makoto could hear the ringing
of the ball bearings in their skate blades.  She grinned again.  As long as they didn't
mark up the floor, they could skate to their hearts' content.

(Andrew holds a up a sign reading: [4.9])

     Three of the biggest and baddest from the Dominion Tank Police (minus their
sidearms) were engaged in a four-way chess match with A-ko.  A small crowd was
gathered around to watch in silent awe as she seemed to be winning.

(Everyone looks at A-ko.)
Andrew: Since when did you take up chess?
A-ko: I've taken up chess for a long-time. I beat Kaspov in a friendly match
last year. (Everyone else gaps.) That's right, I'm a Grandmaster.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

     Then Makoto spotted an old friend and waved to catch her attention.
     "How's it going, Mihoshi?" she asked, "Still going for your Masters in
Psychology?"
     "I should hope so." replied the tall blond, pushing her glasses up onto her
forehead.  "I'd hate for all this valuable data to go to waste.  Oh!  I guess you
haven't heard.  I finally got engaged!"
     Makoto's heartrate increased and she knew a goofy grin was coming over her
face.  She loved hearing about others' love lives, since she really didn't pay much
attention to her own.  "So, do I have to guess who it is?"
     Mihoshi smiled and shook her head.  "Nope.  I'll get them.  Ryo-ohki!"
     "Meow?"

Andrew: Well, what do you know, Ryo-ok-hi gets a cameo here.
Washu: And she isn't here to see it. Darn.

     *CRASH!*
     "Mako, are you all right?"
     Stunned Makoto groped for a handhold to get back into her chair.  "I'd better
take up Haruka-san's offer." she mumbled.  She hadn't facefaulted for so long, but
it still hurt.
     Mihoshi helped her back up, then turned to the cabbit.  "Ryo-ohki, would you
please go and bring my fianc‚ here?"
     "Meow!"  The small animal bounded off.
     Makoto felt shaken as she tossed her cup to the waiter and signalled for food. 
She had almost thought that the fianc‚ _was_ Ryo-ohki.  _I've been hanging
around writers too long_ she thought, _Michiru's right.  I need a vacation._

Washu: Good, although I saw that coming. Ryo-ok-hi would have probably married
Makona. (Everyone else face-faults.)

     Then she saw another blond person striding through the room, Ryo-ohki
perched on his shoulder.  Looking into a set of perfect blue eyes, Makoto had to
grin.
     "Nakago-sama.  It's an honor to see you again." she said formally, standing and
giving him a bow.
     He raised his hand.  "Not necessary, Sailor Jupiter.  We're on equal footing in
here.  Just two anime characters whose series have ended."  He paused.  "Well,
mine has.  Yours still lives on in other countries."
     "True." she admitted.  "But I wouldn't complain too much if it ended soon.  Are
you enjoying your retirement from "Fushigi Yuugi"?"
     "Very much so, Makoto.  Thankfully we do get the occasional fanfic to allow
everyone to have a reunion.  But now I may need to bring my soon-to-be wife to
the planning meetings.  Her insights into our characters could be invaluable."
     Mihoshi blushed.  "You damn me with faint praises." she giggled, standing on
her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
     "Congratulations, both of you." Makoto said, "Can I pour you a drink at all?"
     "Unfortunately, I can't stay." Mihoshi told her, removing her glasses.  "I have to
get ready for part 3 of "The Mihoshi Incident."  It's a rather silly, but fun crossover
with the Star Trek universe."  Opening up a box, she brought out a pair of
shimmering contact lenses and put them in.  Adjusting her bangs, she then struck a
cringing pose, hands clasped in front of her.
     "Please. . . I want to go home!" she sniffed, her now large eyes beginning to
water.
     Then she stopped and grinned, wiping her cheeks.  "So, how is it?  Do I still
have it?"

Andrew: I don't get that.
Akemi: This fic seems to trip all over itself.

     "You still trip over everything on the stage?" Makoto asked.
     "Every chance I get."
     "Then you've still got it."
     Nakago shook his head.  "She's had the entire anime-watching world fooled for
years, thinking that she's one of the most clueless people in the entire galaxy."
     Mihoshi smiled.  "Well, I had a lot of help from Kiyone.  Without her
competent counterpoint to my ditz, we wouldn't have half the otaku watching."
     "Doesn't matter, Mihoshi." Makoto told her, "You still have a hard role to
play."
     "Well, thank you.  Shall we go, my dear?"  Offering her arm to Nakago, the
two humans and a cabbit strolled off.

(Everyone big-sweats.)
Washu: No, Ryo-ok-hi wouldn't be in a threesome...then again...

- - - - 
Part 2
- - - - 

     Outside the club, another car roared off the Anime Turnpike.  It swirled into
the parking lot in a cloud of dust and screeched into a vacant space between Tora's
topless Volkswagen Beetle and Akazukin ChaCha's moped.

Ryouga: A topless Beetle? Do those exist?
Andrew: I doubt it.

     The driver stuck her head out the window and checked the spacing.  Then she
whipped off her sunglasses with her free hand.  "Lllllike a glove!" she announced
to the air.
     A couple of the anime characters standing nearby applauded, since none of
them owned the cars.  As she got out, Samantha Jones saw the members of
"Assemble Insert" giving her the thumbs up.
     Nodding back at them, she strode towards the entrance.  She had an
appointment to keep. 
     As her eyes adjusted to the difference in lighting inside, Samantha couldn't help
but twitch an eyebrow at the sights that lay before her.
     Mamoru and Harumi, the android nurse from "Irresponsible Captain Tailor",
were engaged in a darts contest at one end of the bar.  Only Mamoru was using his
roses rather than the conventional darts.  And half of Harumi's shots were
throwing splinters from the board as they sank in up to the finger grips.
     At the other end, there was an armwrestling competition going on.  It was the
North American dub of Sailor Jupiter, Lita, that was the present champion.  On the
chalkboard behind her, names such as Pris, Kusanagi, Rei, Lina Inverse, and C-ko
had fallen to her strength.

(A-ko growls.)
A-ko: She cheated! I want a rematch!!!

			    Facing her now was Dio from "JoJo's Bizarre
Adventure".  Each challenger's stake was a dollar against the previous winner's
total.  From the looks of it, Lita was sitting on a hefty stake.
     "Excuse me." came a quiet voice from behind Samantha.
     Startled, she stepped aside and saw Chibi-Usa standing in the doorway, a
motorcycle helmet under one arm.  "Gyyyah!"

(Everyone face-faults.)
Andrew: Oh, kami-sama...our worst nightmare...

     "Pardon?" the small lady asked, "Are you all right?"
     "Fine." Samantha replied, breathing a little more heavily.  "I just never realized
that. . ."  She gestured.  "You know."
     Chibi-Usa looked down at her helmet.  Then she laughed and tossed it up into
the air, catching and spinning it on one finger.  "Looks can be deceiving, no?  I am
not, as many otaku believe, only six or seven years old.  In fact. . ."  She reached
up with her free hand and tugged at her pink hair.
     The entire ensemble, odangoes and all, parted company with her head.  Straight
brown hair cascaded down past her shoulder blades.  ". . . My driver's licence
looks nothing like the Chibi-Usa they all think they know."  Grinning broadly, she
folded the pink wig up and dumped it into her helmet.  "Come on, let me buy you
something to drink."

Ranma: Yeah. And my driver's license makes me look like I'm a girl.

     As tempted as she was, Samantha shook her head.  "No, thank you.  I'm
supposed to meet the Ranma cast here.  I'm doing an article on their favorite
fanfics for our "OOCC"  monthly newsletter."
     " OOCC'?"
     "Obsessed Otaku-Created Characters." Samantha elaborated.

Andrew (to A-ko): One hundred bucks says they're all fighting right about now.
A-ko: You're on.

     "Ah.  Well then, that must be the reason they're all gathered up by the stage. 
You don't normally see them together like that.  Even around here."  Chibi-Usa
winked at her.  "You folks must be some newsletter to bring them out.  See you
later."
     Samantha glanced over at the stage area.  Sure enough, three or four tables had
been pushed together and she could see at least ten members of the Ranmaverse. 
Squaring her shoulders, she turned on her tape recorder and marched over there.
     All the regular cast was there, minus Shampoo, Mousse, and Kunou.  The latter
was still giving a speech to other author-created characters, the former was on
vacation, and the middle one had followed Shampoo, no matter where she went.

Akemi: Somehow I'm not surprised.

     But the remainder, once they learned what Samantha wanted to discuss, were
more than happy to oblige.  As ecstatic as she was at her coup, Sam found herself
almost as fascinated by the difference in attitude that the characters had from their
screen personalities.
     "Ranma, you and Akane are the two people that fanfic writers seem to focus on
the most." she said, "In your opinion, who out there has managed to do justice to
your characters the most?"

Ranma: Definately not Kleppe.
Ryouga: I have to agree.

     There was a long silence as Akane and Ranma both leaned forward to rest their
arms on the tabletop.  They glanced at each other.  Then Akane nodded.  "Go
ahead."
     "Thanks.  Sam, you've asked a hard question.  There are fanfic writers out there
that I like.  A lot.  There are also fanfic writers I don't like.  That's the easy part. 
But asking who's done the best job . . .  I don't know.  Richard Lawson is one of
the best out there.  That's evident in his "Thy Inward Love" series.  Joseph Palmer,
too, for color stories like "Black" and "Orange."  But you can read that on any
fanfic awards list.

Andrew: I actually like Palmer. He's not too WAFFY.

     "_Myself_, I like the fun stuff.  "Floating Soul", whoever wrote that crossover
with Monty Python and the Holy Grail, all those really strange shortfics and spam
ideas that spring up that make us howl with laughter."  He grinned.  "My mother
may say it's not dignified, but it's also nice to know that the writers out there don't
always take our cast so seriously.  Akane?"

Andrew: I agree. There's waay too much dark fics out there anyway.
Washu: Since when you get such strong opinions?
Andrew: Well, they're not really that strong. But, that's my opinion.

     Wrapping a strand of hair around her ring finger, his co-star closed her eyes for
a second.  "Ranma's right.  Comedy is important, but I also like the fanfics where I
don't have to act like a violent, superstrong. . ."
     "TOMBOY?" everyone chorused.

Ranma: Who saw that coming? (Everyone raises his/her hand.) I thought so.

     She grinned.  "Yeah.  That'd be the word.  Amazing how much of a cliche it is. 
"Black" is one of my favorites.  It's a lot of people's favorites.  But there was one. .
. A Christmas one.  Ukkyou, what was the name of it?"
     " "A Time For Giving", by WebDragon." the girl supplied, "One of my
favorites, too."
     "That fanfic allowed my character to gain a bit of insight into Ranma's struggle. 
Now, I'm not saying that the others don't, but that one just happened to stick in my
mind.  And I also share a favorite with Ryouga."
     Ryouga looked up, the disbelief plain on his face.  "You have got to be kidding
me.  I spend most of my fanfics either fighting with Ranma, torn between two
lovers, or being threatened as a neutered P-Chan.  None of which really appeal to
me."

(Ryouga blushes.)
Ranma: You really think so?
Ryouga: Well, I am tired of being a smart punching bag. I'm not too happy about
P-chan's Flight, through.
A-ko: Really? I *loved* it!

     Akane grinned and reached past Kodachi to lightly punch the Lost Boy on the
arm.  "I _was_ thinking of the series by SMUsagi and RyougaLost.  You know,
with your fan-created friend "Neko"?"
     At that, Ryouga chuckled.  "Okay, you're right.  I did love working with Neko. 
We all did.  But I can't believe they made me. . ."  His voice died away.  "Never
mind.  That would be giving away the story."  Taking off his bandannas, he
ruefully rubbed his forehead.  "And to whichever author wrote that shortfic about
my bandannas both causing and hiding my receding hairline, I _owe_ you."

(Ryouga grins.)
Lina: I smell a revenge-fic comming...
     "Anything else, Ryouga?"  Samantha asked.
     Absently, he twirled a straw between his fingers. "Mmmmmm. . . no.  I'd like to
participate in the Neko series again, but things have been slow.  No end of spam,
though.  I remember, twice in one day, the FFML had a story about P-Chan being
eaten for dinner.  It caused hours of comment and conspiracy theory."
     "I see." muttered Sam.  Then she looked between Akane and Ryouga. 
"Kodachi?  How about you?"
     The raven-haired gymnast finished her can of Jolt Cola before replying.

(Everyone face-faults.)
Ranma: You know...that explains things.
A-ko: I wonder if C-ko has a Jolt addition as well... 
"<Hic.> Oh, excuse me."  She blushed.  "Being the Kodachi of the Ranmaverse
requires some degree of hyperactivity.  It's terrible getting me calmed down after a
taping.  

Andrew (imitating Kodachi): And that's just the lemons where I have to diddle
with my brother.
Everyone else: Andrew!

        But, you wanted to hear about. . . ?"
     "Your favorite fanfics."
     "Oh, right."  Kodachi took a deep breath and made a visible effort to calm
herself.  " "Iron Roses", for one.  One of the few times that I had a decent bed
scene."

Luna: It should be: 'Iron Roses,'
     "With whom?"
     "Ah.  That would be telling, dear.  You'll just have to read it for yourself.  Also,
Richard Lawson's "Roses" series and his "Inward Love", even though that second
one was extremely painful to act in.  He just did so well on it."  She shrugged. 
"What else?  "Black Roses" by Shazorn was extremely well done.  Twisted, but
well done.

A-ko: Hello, Pot...this is Kettle...You're black!

            A marvellous role to play."  She paused.  "Guess that's about it.
Oh,
and a thank you to those who built my church on the Internet.  I'll drop in
sometime and give you my version of the Ten Commandments, just for fun."  She
giggled again.

Andrew (imitating Kodachi/God from the "Ten Commandants"): Thou shalt not put
Anthrax in thy neighbor's tea unless he's stealth thy panties.

     "Ukkyo?  You seem to bear the brunt of fanfic writers' anger.  You don't seem
to end up with Ranma that often.  Could you . . . ?"

Akemi (imit. Ukkyo): Beat up Akane? Sure!

     "Sure thing, Samantha."  The girl (she wore a dress when she was not playing
her role in the show) polished her trademark giant spatula.

Andrew: Ukyou, wearing a dress?!
Ranma: Calm down. Heck, I like to wear a dress when I'm a female everyone once
in a while.
Ryouga: I think you've enjoyed "Clothes Makes The..." waaaay too much.

							     "That's why I found
myself enjoying the start of the "Kyoto Chronicles".  I don't get Ranma, but I get
to go with him.  Really nice interaction."  She stared past everyone, looking out
into space.  "I wonder what those authors are doing about it right now?"

Andrew: I think Ukyou has a secret Valley-girl side.

     Cologne tapped her staff on the spatula.  "Ukkyo?  Snap out of it."
     She blinked.  "What?  Oh, sorry.  I tend to daydream a lot.  Sure, I don't end up
with Ranma, or Ryouga, or anyone else too often.  But, at the same time, it makes
things less awkward as co-stars.  You know, keep the work on a professional
level."
     "Surprisingly, you're used in quite a few lemons. . ." Samantha began.
     "Let's not get into that." Ukkyo interrupted.  "Please."
     "Oh.  Okay.  Should I just say, "no comment" ?"
     Ukkyo's only answer was a roll of her eyes.
     "Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo.  It's rare to see one of you without the
other.  How about your favorites?"
     The bespectacled man looked over at his long-haired friend.  "Well, Soun?  Do
we even have any favorites?"
     Soun shrugged.  "Beats me.  My eyes are so dehydrated most of the time from
all my crying that I can barely read anything anymore."

Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Ranma, in particular, falls on the floor
laughing and soon grasping his stomache.)

     Genma turned back to Samantha.  "It's difficult for us, as it's rare that we
actually star in our own fanfics.  Mostly we play shogi, dispense advice to our kids,
and fill in the time with humourous situations and a great deal of crying.  Not much
else.  Except when my "wife" shows up and I get to play panda.  It's not bad,
though.  We do get paid well for our roles."

Luna: Eh, it's a living.

     "I see.  Cologne, you play a larger role sometimes.  How has that affected your
view of fanfics?"
     "I prefer the darker ones myself.  As a self-professed "old ghoul" I enjoy seeing
what the writers can come up with when they feel depressed.  Of course, I firmly
believe that Richard Lawson's "Inward Love" saga overdid me a little bit.  Didn't
matter, though.  I relished every single minute of that acting storm.  Other than
that, I enjoy seeing Mousse and Shampoo get put together.  They do too, judging
by the emotion they put into those little love scenes.  Ah, it's good for them."
     "Any other examples?" Samantha asked.
     "Just one."  Leaping onto her staff, Cologne hopped onto the table and began
jumping around on it, singing in a slightly cracking voice, "Hop on your pogo
stick, your pogo stick, your pogo stick. . ."

Ryouga: Cologne is a really good singer. Too bad no one uses that.
Andrew (looking amazed at Cologne's singing ability.): I never knew.

     Around her, the rest of the table cheered and applauded, causing many of the
bar's patrons to glance up.  A crunching thud came from the other side, showing
that one of the armwrestlers had broken his concentration, not to mention his
hand.

Washu: Ouch. That had to hurt.

     Cologne's wrinkled face smiled.  "_That_ should prove that the old ghoul still
has a sense of humour, too."
     Samantha had to stop her tape and finish laughing.  Finally, she was able to get
herself under control and continue.
     "That just leaves you and Kasumi, Nabiki.  Anything you'd like to share?"

A-ko (imitating Nabiki): Share? Ha! Only for 150 yen!

     Nabiki shrugged.  "I'm cold, calculating, money-grabbing, and self centred. 
What else could an aspiring star want in an antagonist role?"

(Andrew face-faults.)
Ranma: Andrew, Nabiki's being a bit sarcastic.

     "Fewer self-insertion writers making you fall in love with them?" Kasumi
pointed out.
     Her sister grimaced.  "Good one.  I _had_ almost forgotten about
"Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student."  Thanks, Kasumi."
     "Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bring that up again."
     "Right."  Nabiki leaned in.  "No matter what anyone tells you, Kasumi is one of
the most diabolical sisters one can have.  Trust her only as far as you can throw
her."
     "Hey!  Just because "Kasumi The Axe Murderer" is one of my favorites. . ."

Akemi: Is it just me, or is Kasumi a bit scary...
 
Kasumi turned to face Samantha.  "I like anything where my lines are more than
"Oh my!" and inviting people in for dinner.  I can't let myself get stuck in a rut, you
know."
     Sam nodded.  "I understand.  Maybe you should take up MSTing.  Get the
sarcasm flowing a little bit.  And speaking of which, what about _bad_ fics? 
Anyone?"
     Silence, then Genma spoke up.  "A quarter, if not more of the stuff currently
out there on the Net." he stated, crossing his arms.
     "Anything that's been MSTed." said Ryouga.  "Our good stuff doesn't generate
those kinds of comments."  There were muttered agreements from around the
table.

A-ko: Do you suppose there's pattern in that somewhere?
Ryouga: You know, I never usually think this much.

     "Lemons?" asked Samantha.
     "That's one thing." Nabiki allowed.  "Lemons are lemons, good or bad.  But it's
really frustrating doing a lemon where all you have to go on are the instructions,
"In. . . Out. . . Repeat if Necessary."

Ranma: And the occasional "Rinse."
Andrew: Thank you, you have just made my day...

     "No, it's the one or two sentence scenes that I don't like." Akane said.  "If
you're going to write a lemon, plot or no plot, _do_ take the time to write the
important scenes.  We aren't mind readers or contortionists."

Andrew: So, I guess, anything involving P-chan and Akane is out... (Ryouga @baps
Andrew with his umbrella.)

     "Agreed." said Ranma, pointing his finger at her.
     "Final thoughts, then?"
     Ranma sat back.  "Fans say there are too many Ranma fics out there.  They may
be right.  The list has gotten rather long.  And with the series over, we're all being
called in daily to work in several fics.  Some, we don't mind, if the plot is good and
we can explore new or funny ideas and traits.  But basic plotlines, self-insertion,
plot holes, I do question.  If you want to be a powerful god, create your own
universe.  Please, don't drag us into it.  It's too painful for everyone involved.  That
about sums it up."
     Samantha took a deep breath.  "Well, thank you all, then."  Reaching out, she
clicked the recorder off.  Then she smiled.  "Great, everyone."
     People started to get up.
     Ryouga hefted his backpack.  "Hey, who needs a ride home?  I'll drive."

Andrew: Ryouga, you have a car?
Ryouga: Yeah, doesn't everyone?

     Kodachi and Ukkyo both raised their hands.
     "Okay, then.  Kodachi, you'll have to get in the back, since Ukkyo lives closer. .
. " Ryouga's voice faded into the crowd noise as they walked away.
     Cologne thumped over and shook Samantha's hand.  "Good job, girl.  Send me
a copy of your article when you're done.  I'll sign it for you."  She looked back. 
"Okay, guys.  Movie Night tonight at my place!  We're showing Blazing Transfer
Student!  Bring your best heckling clothes!"

Andrew: Heckling clothes? What's that?
Washu: Think of a college showing "Rocky Horror Picture Show" at Midnight, on
Halloween.
Andrew: Oh.

     Cologne turned to her.  "Would you like to come, too?  I hear you have a quick
tongue of your own, from your days in the Tenchiverse fanfics by Jamie Jeans."
     Samantha grinned.  "Why not?  Sure.  I can take people in my car."
     "Excellent."  Ranma!  You and Kasumi can go with Samantha here. Let's move,
folks!  I've got herbal tea waiting!"

(Andrew face-faults.)
- - -
Luna: Well, that was interesting.
A-ko: It should have been entitled the Secret Life of Anime. And I want a
rematch. (She sulks.)
Andrew: It was interesting, although half the time, it seemed more like a C&C
than an actual story.
Washu: Still, the Ranma 1/2 group is right. We anime/mange characters have been
rather overworked.
Ranma: Still, it is nice to be remembered.
Ryouga: Good.
Lina: I still can't believe they let you drive a car.
Andrew: Well, that's all. Say, by the way, Akemi, how did you get here?
Akemi: Oh, some guy came by and gave me his sliding equipment. That's all.
(Everyone else face-faults.) Oh.

     Notes, Dedications, and Nightbreak's Assorted Ramblings.

     These'll be brief, folks.  Club Anipike grew out of a couple of silly lines I
penned a few weeks ago.  One never knows who'll drop by next or what's on tap at
the bar for anime and fanfic characters.
     Thanks go to all the folks at Tenchi's Vault of Anime MSTings, of which I am a
proud member.  To Jamie Jeans who borrowed this little idea to use as his new
MSTing format.  All the best of luck to him.  And to Greenbeans, the author of the
"College Life" series, starring Haruka and Michiru of "Sailor Moon".  I read
fourteen parts in one night.  Whew!  It also started me on this little tack.
     Enjoy, anime lovers.  Enjoy, fanboys.  And enjoy, my friends.

     Oh, yeah.  Every character mentioned herein belongs to their creator. 
Samantha Jones belongs to Jamie Jeans, Tuxedo Chris belongs to Chris Cadwell
(hope I spelled that right), and Pat Lee belongs to. . . whoever.  Any other
self-insertion characters belong to their authors.  "It's three in the morning, do you
know where your writing characters are?"


                         CLUB ANIPIKE
- - - -
Part 1
- - - -

     Makoto sighed and pulled the band from her ponytail as she stumbled in the
doorway.  Thankfully, the bar had yet to fill up.  She collapsed into the nearest
chair and tossed her headband onto the table.  "If I have to go through _one more_
little "adventure" like the last one. . ."
     Then she blinked as a shadow passed before her.  It resolved itself into the form
of one of the waiters.  He raised one eyebrow, pencil poised over his pad.
     Makoto sighed and reached up, removing her earrings.  "Give me something
with bite."
     "S'matter, Mako-chan?" the guy at the next table slurred, "Feeling like a little
nibble later on with . . . "
     She casually reached over and grabbed the City Hunter by his lapels.
     *WHIZZZ! *. . . . *CRASH! *
     "You may be one of the fastest guns and the best shot in the Anime world," she
told him, dusting her hands off on her long skirt, "But you're still a pervert."
     "At least he's an easily-thrashed pervert." another voice said.  "Unlike a lot of
those fanboy otakus out there."
     Haruka leaned over to pick up Ryo's abandoned bottle and cup, then sat down
at Makoto's table.  "Mind if Michiru and I join you?"
     "Not at all."  She looked up to see Michiru, "Sailor Neptune", standing beside
her seat.  Then she noticed that the two of them were still in their Senshi outfits. 
"Something the matter?" Makoto asked, beginning to get up.
     Michiru's hands landed on her shoulders and gently, but firmly, pressed her
back down into her seat.  "No, nothing's the matter." she said softly, "We just got
off work and haven't had time to change back yet."
     Haruka leaned forward and regarded Makoto thoughtfully.  "You know, it's
none of my business, but you're looking more than a little worn.  Are they
overbooking you in the fanfics again?"
     Makoto sipped the drink the waiter had brought her and nodded slowly.  "Not
just me, but all five of us.  I haven't been this tired since Godzilla and I shared that
fanfic a couple of years ago.  And I won that battle."
     The blond Outer Senshi grinned almost wickedly.  "Poor you.  Maybe you
should join Michiru and I for a little while.  We've managed a really _sweet_ 
arrangement."
     Makoto looked over her shoulder at Michiru, who still hadn't lifted her hands. 
"Really?  How _sweet_?"
     The teal-haired girl smiled as well, but hers was much warmer.  "Let us just say
that we are . . . comfortable with it."
     Slumping back, she heaved a sigh.  "Must be nice.  I think that the North
American fans are going to be the death of me.  Their fanfics suck out more energy
than the Negaverse ever did."
     Then she closed her eyes as Michiru began lightly massaging her shoulders.  All
the anger and frustrations at unworthy otakus and cheap fanfic writers began to
melt away.
     "You should consider taking some time off." whispered Neptune.
     She vaguely heard Haruka chuckle.  "Poor Mako.  All the double billing in
North America and Japan.  Fame getting to you?"
     Makoto tensed up again.  Her eyes flew open and she was about to snap at
Haruka when Michiru squeezed her neck muscles tightly, stifling her reply.
     "That's unfair, Haruka," she chided, "Our turn will come eventually, you
know."
     "Yeah, I know.  And I'm not looking forward to meeting the other me.  Sorry,
Mako."
     "Anyways," Michiru continued, "As Haruka was saying, we have been taking
part in a fanfic about college life.  So far, it's fourteen parts with another ten
expected.  Our author is very nice, too.  She's only used the Senshi twice, which
gives us more time to be ourselves."
     Makoto winced at the pain from Michiru's kneading.  "Wait a. . . I heard about
that series from Ami.  "Greenbeans" or someone is your author?"
     "That's her." Haruka confirmed.
     "She told me about her cameo.  I'd _love_ to do something like that."
     Haruka shrugged and poured herself another drink.  "If you want, Mako, I can
ask her for you.  But, I have to say: Don't get your hopes up.  She may say no."
     "<Arigato, Haruka-san>" Makoto murmured, her shoulders now working in
rythym with Michiru's fingers.  She felt a slight disappointment when the girl finally
moved away.
     "Any time, kid." Picking up her cup, Haruka raised it in toast and got to her
feet.  "Listen, we're going to go and mingle a while.  When you're finished with
that drink, order yourself something good and put it on my tab, huh?"
     "Haruka-san, I couldn't do that. . ." Makoto started to protest, but was stilled
by a slight shake of Michiru's head.
     The elder Senshi grinned again, much more kindly.  "It's okay.  This series pays
really well.  It's on me."  With that, she took Michiru's arm and the two vanished
into the crowd.
     Voices floated back to Makoto:
     "That was a nice thing you did for her, Michiru."
     "I saw the look in your eye.  If I hadn't given her one, you certainly would
have."
     "What's that supposed to mean?"
     "Just that."
     "What are you . . ."
     Makoto grinned and tipped her chair back against the wall, in order to survey
the rest of the Club Off The Anime Turnpike, or Club Anipike, as it was known.
     Over in one corner, she could see her North American counterpart, Lita, arm
wrestling with Lina Inverse.  As she watched, Lita forced the sorceress' hand close
to the wood, but stalled.  Lina Inverse would be holding firm for a while.  She
didn't give up easily.  Not when there was a meal at stake.
     Elsewhere, Kunou Tatewaki was holding court over by a group of tables.  His
topic tonight was "On the Necessity of Bringing the Natural Elements into Public
Oration" or "Making Your Speeches Cool with Thunder and Lightning." 
Fan-created characters were gathered around, taking careful notes.
     Also from the cast of Ranma «, Azusa and Mikado were skating effortlessly
through the crowd.  As they whizzed by her table, Makoto could hear the ringing
of the ball bearings in their skate blades.  She grinned again.  As long as they didn't
mark up the floor, they could skate to their hearts' content.
     Three of the biggest and baddest from the Dominion Tank Police (minus their
sidearms) were engaged in a four-way chess match with A-ko.  A small crowd was
gathered around to watch in silent awe as she seemed to be winning.
     Then Makoto spotted an old friend and waved to catch her attention.
     "How's it going, Mihoshi?" she asked, "Still going for your Masters in
Psychology?"
     "I should hope so." replied the tall blond, pushing her glasses up onto her
forehead.  "I'd hate for all this valuable data to go to waste.  Oh!  I guess you
haven't heard.  I finally got engaged!"
     Makoto's heartrate increased and she knew a goofy grin was coming over her
face.  She loved hearing about others' love lives, since she really didn't pay much
attention to her own.  "So, do I have to guess who it is?"
     Mihoshi smiled and shook her head.  "Nope.  I'll get them.  Ryo-ohki!"
     "Meow?"
     *CRASH!*
     "Mako, are you all right?"
     Stunned Makoto groped for a handhold to get back into her chair.  "I'd better
take up Haruka-san's offer." she mumbled.  She hadn't facefaulted for so long, but
it still hurt.
     Mihoshi helped her back up, then turned to the cabbit.  "Ryo-ohki, would you
please go and bring my fianc‚ here?"
     "Meow!"  The small animal bounded off.
     Makoto felt shaken as she tossed her cup to the waiter and signalled for food. 
She had almost thought that the fianc‚ _was_ Ryo-ohki.  _I've been hanging
around writers too long_ she thought, _Michiru's right.  I need a vacation._
     Then she saw another blond person striding through the room, Ryo-ohki
perched on his shoulder.  Looking into a set of perfect blue eyes, Makoto had to
grin.
     "Nakago-sama.  It's an honor to see you again." she said formally, standing and
giving him a bow.
     He raised his hand.  "Not necessary, Sailor Jupiter.  We're on equal footing in
here.  Just two anime characters whose series have ended."  He paused.  "Well,
mine has.  Yours still lives on in other countries."
     "True." she admitted.  "But I wouldn't complain too much if it ended soon.  Are
you enjoying your retirement from "Fushigi Yuugi"?"
     "Very much so, Makoto.  Thankfully we do get the occasional fanfic to allow
everyone to have a reunion.  But now I may need to bring my soon-to-be wife to
the planning meetings.  Her insights into our characters could be invaluable."
     Mihoshi blushed.  "You damn me with faint praises." she giggled, standing on
her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
     "Congratulations, both of you." Makoto said, "Can I pour you a drink at all?"
     "Unfortunately, I can't stay." Mihoshi told her, removing her glasses.  "I have to
get ready for part 3 of "The Mihoshi Incident."  It's a rather silly, but fun crossover
with the Star Trek universe."  Opening up a box, she brought out a pair of
shimmering contact lenses and put them in.  Adjusting her bangs, she then struck a
cringing pose, hands clasped in front of her.
     "Please. . . I want to go home!" she sniffed, her now large eyes beginning to
water.
     Then she stopped and grinned, wiping her cheeks.  "So, how is it?  Do I still
have it?"
     "You still trip over everything on the stage?" Makoto asked.
     "Every chance I get."
     "Then you've still got it."
     Nakago shook his head.  "She's had the entire anime-watching world fooled for
years, thinking that she's one of the most clueless people in the entire galaxy."
     Mihoshi smiled.  "Well, I had a lot of help from Kiyone.  Without her
competent counterpoint to my ditz, we wouldn't have half the otaku watching."
     "Doesn't matter, Mihoshi." Makoto told her, "You still have a hard role to
play."
     "Well, thank you.  Shall we go, my dear?"  Offering her arm to Nakago, the
two humans and a cabbit strolled off.

- - - - 
Part 2
- - - - 

     Outside the club, another car roared off the Anime Turnpike.  It swirled into
the parking lot in a cloud of dust and screeched into a vacant space between Tora's
topless Volkswagen Beetle and Akazukin ChaCha's moped.
     The driver stuck her head out the window and checked the spacing.  Then she
whipped off her sunglasses with her free hand.  "Lllllike a glove!" she announced
to the air.
     A couple of the anime characters standing nearby applauded, since none of
them owned the cars.  As she got out, Samantha Jones saw the members of
"Assemble Insert" giving her the thumbs up.
     Nodding back at them, she strode towards the entrance.  She had an
appointment to keep. 
     As her eyes adjusted to the difference in lighting inside, Samantha couldn't help
but twitch an eyebrow at the sights that lay before her.
     Mamoru and Harumi, the android nurse from "Irresponsible Captain Tailor",
were engaged in a darts contest at one end of the bar.  Only Mamoru was using his
roses rather than the conventional darts.  And half of Harumi's shots were
throwing splinters from the board as they sank in up to the finger grips.
     At the other end, there was an armwrestling competition going on.  It was the
North American dub of Sailor Jupiter, Lita, that was the present champion.  On the
chalkboard behind her, names such as Pris, Kusanagi, Rei, Lina Inverse, and C-ko
had fallen to her strength.  Facing her now was Dio from "JoJo's Bizarre
Adventure".  Each challenger's stake was a dollar against the previous winner's
total.  From the looks of it, Lita was sitting on a hefty stake.
     "Excuse me." came a quiet voice from behind Samantha.
     Startled, she stepped aside and saw Chibi-Usa standing in the doorway, a
motorcycle helmet under one arm.  "Gyyyah!"
     "Pardon?" the small lady asked, "Are you all right?"
     "Fine." Samantha replied, breathing a little more heavily.  "I just never realized
that. . ."  She gestured.  "You know."
     Chibi-Usa looked down at her helmet.  Then she laughed and tossed it up into
the air, catching and spinning it on one finger.  "Looks can be deceiving, no?  I am
not, as many otaku believe, only six or seven years old.  In fact. . ."  She reached
up with her free hand and tugged at her pink hair.
     The entire ensemble, odangoes and all, parted company with her head.  Straight
brown hair cascaded down past her shoulder blades.  ". . . My driver's licence
looks nothing like the Chibi-Usa they all think they know."  Grinning broadly, she
folded the pink wig up and dumped it into her helmet.  "Come on, let me buy you
something to drink."
     As tempted as she was, Samantha shook her head.  "No, thank you.  I'm
supposed to meet the Ranma cast here.  I'm doing an article on their favorite
fanfics for our "OOCC"  monthly newsletter."
     " OOCC'?"
     "Obsessed Otaku-Created Characters." Samantha elaborated.
     "Ah.  Well then, that must be the reason they're all gathered up by the stage. 
You don't normally see them together like that.  Even around here."  Chibi-Usa
winked at her.  "You folks must be some newsletter to bring them out.  See you
later."
     Samantha glanced over at the stage area.  Sure enough, three or four tables had
been pushed together and she could see at least ten members of the Ranmaverse. 
Squaring her shoulders, she turned on her tape recorder and marched over there.
     All the regular cast was there, minus Shampoo, Mousse, and Kunou.  The latter
was still giving a speech to other author-created characters, the former was on
vacation, and the middle one had followed Shampoo, no matter where she went.
     But the remainder, once they learned what Samantha wanted to discuss, were
more than happy to oblige.  As ecstatic as she was at her coup, Sam found herself
almost as fascinated by the difference in attitude that the characters had from their
screen personalities.
     "Ranma, you and Akane are the two people that fanfic writers seem to focus on
the most." she said, "In your opinion, who out there has managed to do justice to
your characters the most?"
     There was a long silence as Akane and Ranma both leaned forward to rest their
arms on the tabletop.  They glanced at each other.  Then Akane nodded.  "Go
ahead."
     "Thanks.  Sam, you've asked a hard question.  There are fanfic writers out there
that I like.  A lot.  There are also fanfic writers I don't like.  That's the easy part. 
But asking who's done the best job . . .  I don't know.  Richard Lawson is one of
the best out there.  That's evident in his "Thy Inward Love" series.  Joseph Palmer,
too, for color stories like "Black" and "Orange."  But you can read that on any
fanfic awards list.
     "_Myself_, I like the fun stuff.  "Floating Soul", whoever wrote that crossover
with Monty Python and the Holy Grail, all those really strange shortfics and spam
ideas that spring up that make us howl with laughter."  He grinned.  "My mother
may say it's not dignified, but it's also nice to know that the writers out there don't
always take our cast so seriously.  Akane?"
     Wrapping a strand of hair around her ring finger, his co-star closed her eyes for
a second.  "Ranma's right.  Comedy is important, but I also like the fanfics where I
don't have to act like a violent, superstrong. . ."
     "TOMBOY?" everyone chorused.
     She grinned.  "Yeah.  That'd be the word.  Amazing how much of a cliche it is. 
"Black" is one of my favorites.  It's a lot of people's favorites.  But there was one. .
. A Christmas one.  Ukkyou, what was the name of it?"
     " "A Time For Giving", by WebDragon." the girl supplied, "One of my
favorites, too."
     "That fanfic allowed my character to gain a bit of insight into Ranma's struggle. 
Now, I'm not saying that the others don't, but that one just happened to stick in my
mind.  And I also share a favorite with Ryouga."
     Ryouga looked up, the disbelief plain on his face.  "You have got to be kidding
me.  I spend most of my fanfics either fighting with Ranma, torn between two
lovers, or being threatened as a neutered P-Chan.  None of which really appeal to
me."
     Akane grinned and reached past Kodachi to lightly punch the Lost Boy on the
arm.  "I _was_ thinking of the series by SMUsagi and RyougaLost.  You know,
with your fan-created friend "Neko"?"
     At that, Ryouga chuckled.  "Okay, you're right.  I did love working with Neko. 
We all did.  But I can't believe they made me. . ."  His voice died away.  "Never
mind.  That would be giving away the story."  Taking off his bandannas, he
ruefully rubbed his forehead.  "And to whichever author wrote that shortfic about
my bandannas both causing and hiding my receding hairline, I _owe_ you."
     "Anything else, Ryouga?"  Samantha asked.
     Absently, he twirled a straw between his fingers. "Mmmmmm. . . no.  I'd like to
participate in the Neko series again, but things have been slow.  No end of spam,
though.  I remember, twice in one day, the FFML had a story about P-Chan being
eaten for dinner.  It caused hours of comment and conspiracy theory."
     "I see." muttered Sam.  Then she looked between Akane and Ryouga. 
"Kodachi?  How about you?"
     The raven-haired gymnast finished her can of Jolt Cola before replying. 
"<Hic.> Oh, excuse me."  She blushed.  "Being the Kodachi of the Ranmaverse
requires some degree of hyperactivity.  It's terrible getting me calmed down after a
taping.  But, you wanted to hear about. . . ?"
     "Your favorite fanfics."
     "Oh, right."  Kodachi took a deep breath and made a visible effort to calm
herself.  " "Iron Roses", for one.  One of the few times that I had a decent bed
scene."
     "With whom?"
     "Ah.  That would be telling, dear.  You'll just have to read it for yourself.  Also,
Richard Lawson's "Roses" series and his "Inward Love", even though that second
one was extremely painful to act in.  He just did so well on it."  She shrugged. 
"What else?  "Black Roses" by Shazorn was extremely well done.  Twisted, but
well done.  A marvellous role to play."  She paused.  "Guess that's about it.  Oh,
and a thank you to those who built my church on the Internet.  I'll drop in
sometime and give you my version of the Ten Commandments, just for fun."  She
giggled again.
     "Ukkyo?  You seem to bear the brunt of fanfic writers' anger.  You don't seem
to end up with Ranma that often.  Could you . . . ?"
     "Sure thing, Samantha."  The girl (she wore a dress when she was not playing
her role in the show) polished her trademark giant spatula.  "That's why I found
myself enjoying the start of the "Kyoto Chronicles".  I don't get Ranma, but I get
to go with him.  Really nice interaction."  She stared past everyone, looking out
into space.  "I wonder what those authors are doing about it right now?"
     Cologne tapped her staff on the spatula.  "Ukkyo?  Snap out of it."
     She blinked.  "What?  Oh, sorry.  I tend to daydream a lot.  Sure, I don't end up
with Ranma, or Ryouga, or anyone else too often.  But, at the same time, it makes
things less awkward as co-stars.  You know, keep the work on a professional
level."
     "Surprisingly, you're used in quite a few lemons. . ." Samantha began.
     "Let's not get into that." Ukkyo interrupted.  "Please."
     "Oh.  Okay.  Should I just say, "no comment" ?"
     Ukkyo's only answer was a roll of her eyes.
     "Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo.  It's rare to see one of you without the
other.  How about your favorites?"
     The bespectacled man looked over at his long-haired friend.  "Well, Soun?  Do
we even have any favorites?"
     Soun shrugged.  "Beats me.  My eyes are so dehydrated most of the time from
all my crying that I can barely read anything anymore."
     Genma turned back to Samantha.  "It's difficult for us, as it's rare that we
actually star in our own fanfics.  Mostly we play shogi, dispense advice to our kids,
and fill in the time with humourous situations and a great deal of crying.  Not much
else.  Except when my "wife" shows up and I get to play panda.  It's not bad,
though.  We do get paid well for our roles."
     "I see.  Cologne, you play a larger role sometimes.  How has that affected your
view of fanfics?"
     "I prefer the darker ones myself.  As a self-professed "old ghoul" I enjoy seeing
what the writers can come up with when they feel depressed.  Of course, I firmly
believe that Richard Lawson's "Inward Love" saga overdid me a little bit.  Didn't
matter, though.  I relished every single minute of that acting storm.  Other than
that, I enjoy seeing Mousse and Shampoo get put together.  They do too, judging
by the emotion they put into those little love scenes.  Ah, it's good for them."
     "Any other examples?" Samantha asked.
     "Just one."  Leaping onto her staff, Cologne hopped onto the table and began
jumping around on it, singing in a slightly cracking voice, "Hop on your pogo
stick, your pogo stick, your pogo stick. . ."
     Around her, the rest of the table cheered and applauded, causing many of the
bar's patrons to glance up.  A crunching thud came from the other side, showing
that one of the armwrestlers had broken his concentration, not to mention his
hand.
     Cologne's wrinkled face smiled.  "_That_ should prove that the old ghoul still
has a sense of humour, too."
     Samantha had to stop her tape and finish laughing.  Finally, she was able to get
herself under control and continue.
     "That just leaves you and Kasumi, Nabiki.  Anything you'd like to share?"
     Nabiki shrugged.  "I'm cold, calculating, money-grabbing, and self centred. 
What else could an aspiring star want in an antagonist role?"
     "Fewer self-insertion writers making you fall in love with them?" Kasumi
pointed out.
     Her sister grimaced.  "Good one.  I _had_ almost forgotten about
"Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange Student."  Thanks, Kasumi."
     "Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bring that up again."
     "Right."  Nabiki leaned in.  "No matter what anyone tells you, Kasumi is one of
the most diabolical sisters one can have.  Trust her only as far as you can throw
her."
     "Hey!  Just because "Kasumi The Axe Murderer" is one of my favorites. . ." 
Kasumi turned to face Samantha.  "I like anything where my lines are more than
"Oh my!" and inviting people in for dinner.  I can't let myself get stuck in a rut, you
know."
     Sam nodded.  "I understand.  Maybe you should take up MSTing.  Get the
sarcasm flowing a little bit.  And speaking of which, what about _bad_ fics? 
Anyone?"
     Silence, then Genma spoke up.  "A quarter, if not more of the stuff currently
out there on the Net." he stated, crossing his arms.
     "Anything that's been MSTed." said Ryouga.  "Our good stuff doesn't generate
those kinds of comments."  There were muttered agreements from around the
table.
     "Lemons?" asked Samantha.
     "That's one thing." Nabiki allowed.  "Lemons are lemons, good or bad.  But it's
really frustrating doing a lemon where all you have to go on are the instructions,
"In. . . Out. . . Repeat if Necessary."
     "No, it's the one or two sentence scenes that I don't like." Akane said.  "If
you're going to write a lemon, plot or no plot, _do_ take the time to write the
important scenes.  We aren't mind readers or contortionists."
     "Agreed." said Ranma, pointing his finger at her.
     "Final thoughts, then?"
     Ranma sat back.  "Fans say there are too many Ranma fics out there.  They may
be right.  The list has gotten rather long.  And with the series over, we're all being
called in daily to work in several fics.  Some, we don't mind, if the plot is good and
we can explore new or funny ideas and traits.  But basic plotlines, self-insertion,
plot holes, I do question.  If you want to be a powerful god, create your own
universe.  Please, don't drag us into it.  It's too painful for everyone involved.  That
about sums it up."
     Samantha took a deep breath.  "Well, thank you all, then."  Reaching out, she
clicked the recorder off.  Then she smiled.  "Great, everyone."
     People started to get up.
     Ryouga hefted his backpack.  "Hey, who needs a ride home?  I'll drive."
     Kodachi and Ukkyo both raised their hands.
     "Okay, then.  Kodachi, you'll have to get in the back, since Ukkyo lives closer. .
. " Ryouga's voice faded into the crowd noise as they walked away.
     Cologne thumped over and shook Samantha's hand.  "Good job, girl.  Send me
a copy of your article when you're done.  I'll sign it for you."  She looked back. 
"Okay, guys.  Movie Night tonight at my place!  We're showing Blazing Transfer
Student!  Bring your best heckling clothes!"
     Cologne turned to her.  "Would you like to come, too?  I hear you have a quick
tongue of your own, from your days in the Tenchiverse fanfics by Jamie Jeans."
     Samantha grinned.  "Why not?  Sure.  I can take people in my car."
     "Excellent."  Ranma!  You and Kasumi can go with Samantha here. Let's move,
folks!  I've got herbal tea waiting!"

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