Ong Shih Lin wrote:

                                              I do

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic. All characters in the fic belong to Rumiko Takahashi
and not me. C&C welcomed.

Don't use weird formatting when you send these out.  I got it 
fine because I read my mail with Netscape, but other people
who use text-based systems will get annoyed if your stuff
shows up with formatting problems.

    His heart pounded with each step as they drew closer and closer to
the priest. He had never been a coward( excluding his fear of cats since
that wasn't his fault) and had faced many challenges before that would
make ordinary men quiver, but this...The fear and nervousness that was
growing in him now was even greater than his fear of cats.

1st sentence - Replace the paren's with dashes.  Paranthasees are 
	used to denote information that is not important, but this 
	reads closer to a 3rd person omniscient looking into Ranma's 
	mind, and the thought interjection would be better illustrated 
	with dashes, IMO.

2nd sentence - "...would make ordinary..."  I think it should be
	"would have made"

3rd sentence - "fear and nervousness that WERE"  As a note, NOTHING 
	scares Ranma more than cats.  He would truly be a sorry sight 
	if there was something...  You should probably say that "it 
	seemed" or "he almost felt".

 They stopped, a mere two feet away from the priest. He tried not to
fidget but he could almost feel the tuxedo he was wearing start to
shrink on him, trapping him as effectively as a prison cell and it was
all he could do to keep from running; even as his eyes scanned the
nearby area for any quick escape routes.

1st Sentence - I've been heckled for using American sayings, so I'm
	going to heckle you on this.  Ranma doesn't know what two
	feet are.  He thinks in metric.
	Also, what religion/style is the ceremony?  I can't think of
	too many where the bride and groom approach the priest together.

2nd sentence - Comma before the "but" and the "and"  I don't know if
	your use of the semi-colon is correct (I don't use them,
	personally), but it seems wrong.  I seem to recall that the
	part after the semi-colon should be a complete sentance on
	its own.  Also, that's a three part compound sentance with
	a semi-colon tagged on.  Unless you aspire to write like
	Faulkner (not that there's anything wrong with that), I 
	advise you to break up the sentances.

 The priest was babbling now. The words were gibberish to him and he
tuned them out even as he thought about the situation he was in. He
could feel his fear growing with every second and he wondered how people
could actually withstand it. He wanted to scream, to rant, to rave. He
wanted to rip off his tuxedo while screaming, "I'm not ready for this!"
before making a quick get-away before the bride caught up to him.

2nd sentence - Though we all know who you're referring to with the 
	pronouns, strictly speaking, its incorrect because the first
	him would refer to its antecedant, thus point to the priest.
	I don't know any way around this, since you seem to want to
	avoid using Ranma's name, though...  
	Also, comma before the "and".
3rd sentence - Comma before the "and" again.  Try to describe better
	how the fear feels to him as it grows.  Though I'm not a huge
	advocate of flowery prose, you should always "show, not tell".
4th sentence - before-before.  Gets reptitive.  Try to vary word usage.

 That was when he was aware the priest was speaking to him. He blinked
twice, focusing his mind back to reality. "Huh?" he said intelligiently,
not sure what the priest had said.

3rd sentence - "he said intelligently" In so far as the story is being
	told from his point of view, I doubt that he'd make a sarcastic
	remark pertaining to his intelligence.

 "I said, do you, Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo to be your lawfully
wedded wife? To love and to cherish, in sickness and health till death
do you part?"

Again, I don't know what religion/style the ceremony is, but 
"death do us apart" is a western thing.  I'm not sure if its
changed to that nowadays, but in the past, marriage was something
that went beyond death, something eternal.  Remarriage wasn't
something women thought about, to my knowledge, and for men
it wasn't an issue (since having multiple wives was okay for
a man of status).

 He looked at her then, turning his head to the side so that he could
see her. And as he did, his breath caught in his throat as he saw her
with new eyes. *...Kawaii,* he thought and suddenly all his darkest
fears seem to part like clouds for the sun. He looked into her eyes
then, only to see a reflection of his own uncertainty...and yet, there
was a stubborn determination that outshone the uncertainty and suddenly
he felt the same way too. He took her hands in his with gentle
affection, reassuring her, a warm smile on his face.

2nd sentence - Either make it a compound with the first or lose the
	"And".  

3rd sentence - "fears SEEMED to part"  Instead of saying that the fears
	seemed to part, you may just incorporate it and say that the
	"the dark clouds of fear which had plauged him parted before the 
	brilliant sun in front of him" - its more compact (presents an
	idea instead of comparing one to another), uses the imagery  you 
	want, and incorporates the implication that Akane is that Sun 
	much tighter.

4th sentence - you can omit the "then".  Then is used to show immediate
	sequentiallity between actions, usually.  You can use it for
	thoughts, but unless you really want to show a sense of immediacy
	between the thought and the event, its not necessary.
	"outshone" - For some reason, this grates on my nerves.  Can't 
	place my finger on why.
	Comma before the second "and".  Again, the sentence is slightly
	unweildy, as you use elipses and then another compound sentence.
	This is perfectly acceptable, as you are illustrating thoughts,
	but it makes for a harder reading 
	Again, try to illustrate his feeling more.  

 "I do."

Authors Note: I have no idea why I wrote this but here it is anyway. C&C
would be very welcome.

You were up late at night and feeling cheezy?  That's usually when I
write these.  ^_^

Story- Okay, since somebody will point these out, I might as well do 
	it in a nice way.
	People are pretty tired of reading Ranma-Akane wedding 
	scenes.  Its been done, over and over, and most people will
	delete it once they realize what it is.  Even if there are 
	clever gimmicks or variations, most people won't get that 
	far.  Even if we write for ourselves, the fact that we post 
	them means we want somebody to read them.  Frankly, you're 
	wasting time and talent writing this scene unless as part of 
	a long running series, because people will not read it in most 
	likelihood.

Grammar - Except for not putting in commas with your conjunctions in
	compound sentences, its fair.  You have a slight tendency to
	use convoluted sentences, but its not excessive.

Style - More descriptive passages, please.  In a piece like this, 
	where plot is not the point, the writer must either try to
	become a poet or an artist.  They must either compose prose 
	which resemble poetry, or use it in such a way that it paints 
	the scene.  I don't think you have a problem coming up with
	the imagery - just remind yourself to work harder at this 
	aspect.

Overall - To be frank, its average.  Not much plot, a beaten to
	death scene, and the prose could use improvement.  On the
	other hand, there are no glaring points which would annoy
	a reader.  Its something to keep on the back burner for a
	while until you write a long continuing fic where you finally
	unite the famous pair.  Then, you can shove the scene in.