The night sky.
It's full of stars.
Sometimes, there are shooting stars and the night in question was no
exception.

This sentence bothers me... I could be wrong, but I think the problem is
that the first statement isn't really an absolute or rule, so saying "and
the night in question was no exception" only establishes that the night in
question might have shooting stars, or might not.

You can say, "Cops always eat donuts, and this cop was no exception." and
you have established that the cop in question eats donuts, because he's no
exception to the rule that cops always eat donuts.  However, if you say,
"Cops sometimes eat donuts, and this cop was no exception." then you've only
established that the cop in question SOMETIMES eats donuts.  You have not
established that he's eating one now or, really, not even that he's very
likely to in the next couple of days.

Does this make sense?  This particular night may be no exception to the rule
that "sometimes, (the night sky has) shooting stars"... but you've yet to
establish that it has shooting stars on THIS particular night.  Ultimately
you've said very little.  It seems like a logic flaw to me, and it bothered
me right off the bat, when I really should be trying to get into the story.

The way his green eyes seemed to be regarding her, raised her
suspicion and began to walk again.

Hmmm, his green eyes began to walk again?  ^_^

First, you need the comma after suspicion, not after regarding her.  Second,
you need the word she in there somewhere, so that:

The way his green eyes seemed to be regarding her raised her suspicion, and
she began to walk again.  ^_^

As she hypothosised, the man

immediately began to continue walking as well, matching her pace.

"began to continue walking" is a very awkward and passive way of writing
this.  I would try something more direct and simple... "the man immediately
began to walk as well"

No.  That was a man wearing a red shirt and jeans.
She saw black coat tails out of the corner of her eye.
No.  That was an old, white haired woman.
Her heart beat raced as someone behind her said, "Excuse me..."

heartbeat should be one word, otherwise beat is a verb, and so is raced  ^_^

The mans' hat was knocked off but the man, who the kick had not
effected, grabbed it in midair and put it back on before Akane could
get even the slightest glimpse of his face.
Grabbing a garbage can that was filled to the brim with a mixture of
decaying material, Akane flung it at her opponent.  The man smashed
the can away with his right arm, garbage flying like confetti.
He growled, "That's it."
Before Akane could blink, the man planted his white gloved fist into
her stomach, dropping her to her knees, gasping for breath.
"Now," the man said, "You're going to..."
Akane grabbed the lid off another garbage can and smashed it into
the mans' face.  Then she grabbed the can, got up to her feet and
tossed its' contents in his face.

"its" is a possessive already and does not requre an apostrophe anywhere.

"I understand," Kasumi said, knowing how hard it was for Akane to
admit when she was out matched, "Grandfather Happosai brought Father

out-matched

and Mr Saotome with him on a training trip, but I'll get Ranma to

Mr.

Also, I would say "took Father and Mr. Saotome on a training trip."  The
word "brought" (past tense of bring) indicates something coming to you.
"Take" indicates something being removed from you, something going away from
you.  Happosai can "bring" them back from a training trip, but in context it
seems that they're not around at the moment, so I assume Happsai has only
just taken them on a training trip, and won't bring them back for some time.

She knew that the first rule of dealing with a stalker was to stay
in a public place, but Akane had meant it when she had called the
club a dive.
Overhead, strobe lights in all colors of the rainbow, pulsed in a

no need for the second comma here.

way that would have caused epileptic fits in most people who were not
caught in the grip of alcohol or, given the more subtle smell that
was mixed in with the heavy odor of tobacco, more powerful
distractors.
However, after leading her follower on a merry chase through the
more populated streets of Nerima, it was the place that had the most
people in it at the time of night that it was.  She was lucky that

"at the time of night that it was." is an awkward phrase.  I would use
something simple like "at this time of night."

the bouncer had decided that she looked old enough and let her in
without having to show a form of ID, although the smile he gave her,
told Akane that she'd have company at her table soon.

don't need a comma between her and told.

This whole sentence is somewhat awkward, you may want to read through it a
couple of times and see if you can smooth it out a little.

"Ranma..." Akane thought, "Please get here soon.  I know that guy is
here.  Where?"
At the front of the club, there was a small commotion, but Akane was
too caught up in her nervousness to notice the bouncer who had smiled
at her earlier, fall to the ground, a few of his teeth missing, due
to the punch of a shadowed stranger.

Another whammy of a sentence.  ^_^  I don't believe you need a comma between
"at her earlier" and "fall to the ground.

Akanes' eyes scanned the dance floor; filled with bodies that
gyrated either to the song, "Hurricane" or to more personal music

kowa wa hurricane?  (I think).  The song from BGC?

Naturally, even those who were under the influence reacted as Nerima
citizens did when violence broke out.
They ran.
A horde of panicked humanity passed around the too stunned to move

You can have a horde of humans or a mass of humanity, but can you have a
horde of humanity?  Doesn't that mean there are a lot of humanities all
bunched together?  ^_^

and it should be the too-stunned-to-move Akane... you need to do that when a
phrase becomes an adjective.

Akane, who was watching the muscular man get up as if nothing had
happened to him.  Then, she was pushed to the ground by the red and
white stranger as an energy discharge erupted from the muscular man's
right fist.

Fun stuff so far!!!!!


Miko