Some C&C here.

First, you need to check the punctuation in your post, especially when I see
all of the quotations as exclamation marks.  Makes for a more difficult read.

Second, I did see a couple of misspelled words.  Minor, but easily corrected.

Not sure where this is going, but I'll be interested in following the story.

BTW, I do hope that you'll explain the burial scene later on.  At first it
seems out of place, but if you recount it in one of the next installments it
might fit.


I'll be waiting for the next part.

James Holzhauer (aka Tobimaro [Ton-chan])
       ---just offering encouragement.
___________________________________________________
James Holzhauer (aka Tobimaro [Ton-chan])
      tobimaro@aol.com      http://members.aol.com/Tobimaro/index.html
      Lum nut, anime fan, and fanfiction reader                               
      "All we need to do...is make sure...we keep...talking."
          Pink Floyd  Keep Talking  The Division Bell