To add more stress to his situation, the menu offered him too 
many choices.  Hiroshi had trouble picking blue-striped socks or 
red-striped socks in the morning, and those were his only options.  
The five-page menu had so many choices, Hiroshi was beginning to 
lose any confidence he had left from the afternoon.  He was going 
to have to be decisive in front of Mari, but what could he choose?  
Each dish had a significance, whether it be in price, taste, 
preparation or amount.  He knew he couldn't order something too 
fancy -- he didn't want to give the impression he was trying to 
impress Mari.  He also expected to pay for Mari's meal, so he 
couldn't order something too small, or Mari would feel piggish 
ordering anything larger.  Hiroshi succeeded only in stifling a 
desperate scream when the waitress came with a pitcher of water 
and four glasses.

This part is very well written.  Anybody who's ever been a nervous
teenager on a date should be able to relate to what Hiroshi's going 
through.  You've really gotten a fine handle on writing Hiroshi - his
distinctive personality comes through strongly in the story.

    "...Kept me out of the garage for a month."  Tanaka mouthed 
the words as Hiroshi giggled his way through the punchline.  
Tanaka realized that the meal would never end.  He was being 
punished.  Soon, Death, clad in his robe, would come to the table 
and give Hiroshi another plate of yakisoba and wink at Tanaka.  He 
knew it.  He looked at the near-empty plate, wishing the final bit 
would just disappear so he could go home.  

This is very amusing too.  One of the things that I've noticed in 
the story so far is that Tanaka does not come across like a 
slime-oozing jerk - which is a tactic you could have easily taken
in writing him.  I don't think this is a bad thing at all.  People are
complicated, and they always think they have a good reason for
being the way they are.  Getting bits of POV from inside Tanaka's
head makes him more sympathetic, without wreaking any 
destructive changes on his character.
  

    Marie blushed, but she noticed she wasn't blushing nearly as 
much as Tanaka.  He smiled and laughed boyishly.  "Sorry, I just 
couldn't resist.  You looked like you needed a good kiss."  He 
turned and walked confidently to the living room, where he plopped 
himself on the couch.
    "I see.  I don't know if I needed one as badly as you did."  
Marie followed, but sat in the chair across from Tanaka.
    "Aww, c'mon, Marie.  You loved it as much as I did.  Admit 
it."

Also deftly done.  I got the impression that Tanaka the playboy
is more of an act than a reality - he hasn't had as much experience
as he'd like everyone to believe.  And then he shifts back into 
scumbag mode.  Well-handled.

    "It plays music?"  Mari half-sobbed, half laughed.  She 
opened the lid with slender fingers.
    And the tune began.
    And the world disappeared.

Aww.  A very sweet moment.

    Hiroshi's world spun and he was facing her.  Her face was 

Whoops!  I think you mean Tanaka there.

    "Go ahead Tanaka, say it."
    "A robot?"
    "No, not a robot, you dolt!  An android.  An incredibly 
sophisticated cybernetic creation of my design and
implementation!" Hiroshi gathered himself.  "Sorry, I get carried
away sometimes."  The young man sighed and picked up the loose
drive.  

I liked that moment a lot.

    "Probably."  Hiroshi typed furiously at the keyboard of his 

orkstation.

Missed the "w" and had an extra line break.

    "Wha?  No, of course not."

Small quibble.  If you use "wha" as a "what" that didn't quite make it all
the way out of the speaker's mouth, it should probably be "wha..."

Kenji Asato and Yoshiko:  Why were they there?  I wanted to 
experiment a little with storytelling devices.  The classic 
"character not involved with our characters" device is cool, and 
in all truthfulness, Kenji caused a lot of the events in this 
episode to take place by getting Hiroshi a little drunker than he 
probably should have.  Also, the two characters and their 
relationship is a bit of a tribute to the main characters from 
"The Remains of the Day."  I thought it was fun to try something 
like that, so I did.  Hey, it's my story... ^_^

I thought it worked.  Not too distracting, provided a nice bit of 
extra flavor.


I think the story has picked up a very nice momentum.  It feels
like you've gotten into the groove of writing it, that the characters
are starting to flow naturally for you.  That's an excellent thing.

I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next, and discovering
Hitomi's identity.  I'm also interested in seeing how you handle
Mari and Tanaka's reactions to discovering that Marie is an android.
It could go all sorts of ways.  Mari will assuredly have to chew on
the implications of Hiroshi making an android that looks like her.
And Tanaka?  Well, I guess we'll see.

The Boko no Marie cast of characters is pretty small.  Do you 
intend to throw a certain Hibiki into the mix?  (For all of you who
aren't familiar with the series, I'm not talking about Ryouga.)

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless