Nightman wrote:

Ranma Al'Thor wrote:

On Sun, 27 Sep 1998, David H. Siegel wrote:

      Much of the dialogue seems a bit forced. You might wish to rewrite some
of it, as it also has a bit of a repetitive feel to it.

Examples?  It doesn't seem forced to me, but I wrote it :)

I agree, I didn't think it was either.

Just sort of a feeling...I'll note the last exchange, between Gendo and
Fuyutski as feeling sort of artificial

of HP himself, but it comes out almost muddled. A possible solution
would be to alter your words to be more Lovecraftian (Cyclopean,

I admire HP's writing style but I think using his verbal style would
make the story's prose a bit too dense. I like that the story keeps a
fairly quick, action pacing. (And HP did have stories more like that
too; I'm thinking of the Dreamlands tales here).

But the Dreamlands tales aren't what you're referencing here, are they?
They were less dense because they were MEANT to be. The standard New
England Horror group were dense for a REASON.

descriptions of how foul things are using adjectives instead of
metaphor, obscure words, etc.) and your style to be more Evaish

Ok, the LCL fluid could have had a more visceral description maybe but
that's about it. ^_^

Exactly what I was thinking. IMHO, the reason HP used adjectives instead
of metaphor to describe how terrible things were was because nothing
within human experience was comprable.

Think about Lovecraft stories set in Antarctica :)

Oh, exactly....Here's an idea...Instead of using any kind of LCL, just
plop the child in a tame shoggoth-in-a-tank.

"Misato! I can't hear you over that sound! That hideous piping sound
which could come from no natural mouth!"
Tekeli-li
Tekeli-li
"I musn't run away!"
Tekeli-li
"I musn't run away!"
Tekeli-li
"Aaaaaaahhhh!!!!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!"
"We've lost contact with the pilot..."
 

The ones set in Australia (i.e., Leng) were worse, weren't they?

Oh, a last question: what happened to the penguin while Misato's
apartment was under siege by spiders? Was he hiding in the fridge?

We'd be lucky of P^2 were just a penguin this time around, wouldn't we?

David Siegel
dhs28@columbia.edu
Dada is not dead.
This too, is dada.