illegal aliens in Nerima [xover][bet][alt]
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta,
R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan
Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
----------------------1b-----------------------------
	"They're incredible!" Botswank,
fungoid and usually more irritating than 
being trapped on an elevator with a number
of preschoolers was gushing with 
enthusiasm. "I apologize, oh fearless
leader, who would have thought that a
primitive planet like this would provide
such sport?"

	"Yes," agreed Squee. "At least
some of these 'humans' possess power up
transformations, this makes this one of
the more interesting worlds we've come to
'play with.' I wonder how they'll handle the
third test?"

	Leader Idow sat back in his command
chair. "Send in the cleaning robot and ready the
recording equipment. This...will be interesting."

	"All bets must ride until after the
test," announced the rocky Gasterphaz. "I shall
prepare the war robot for immediate use. Half 
speed?" He hadn't had a chance to use the 
war robot in quite some time.

	The lizardlike Squee spoke up from
the Communications console. "Why not full
speed? Our Dirtlings may be able to handle it."

	The ship's leader momentarily imagined
small fuzzy and cute creatures being dropped into
an active blender and shivered in delight. "Make
it so."

	A set of grins flashed in the alien control
room as they prepared for this test.
---------------------------------------------
	Ukyou frowned. "She's still hanging
onto him." She'd dismissed Mousse's observation
earlier as ridiculous. No, Kasumi & Ranchan?
Absurd!

	Nabiki had noticed the rising auras
from Kodachi, Ukyou, and Akane and couldn't
resist speculating out loud. Times when there
COULD have been undercurrents of a deeper
meaning between the two, when the two had
innocently left alone (and who could tell what
they'd been up to at such times), or when  
Kasumi and Ranma might have been...

	Akane had been angry, but now the
doubts rose. Could it be? First Doctor Tofu,
and now Ranma? Why, why did they always
love Kasumi? No, it couldn't be! Was that a
flash of jealousy on Kasumi's face when
Shampoo glomped Ranma? Surely not...

	Kodachi stared at the screen.
Her Ranma, sitting there being glomped by
that Chinese hussy! And here she'd been
completely fooled by the eldest of the 
Tendo daughters. Such subterfuge to 
maintain this facade for so long!

	Everyone watching the 
broadcast tensed as the doors to the
combat area opened again. A huge
metal robot was entering the arena,
this time without any announcement
from the alien leader.
------------------------------------
	Everyone was up, Kasumi
hiding behind Ranma as the robot
entered the containment area. It was
easily twenty feet tall, with a smooth
green armored body. In its hands was
a veined metal staff with a tube that
connected to the robot's body.

	"Certes, this looks to be of
considerable difficulty," said Makoto's
translated voice. 

	Ami frowned. Something about
the robot's design seemed off.

	"ATTACK!" Ranma and
Shampoo ran forward, followed by Dee
and Makoto.

	The cleaning robot glanced
up, wondering what the problem was.
The test chamber wasn't nearly as messy
as it usually was.

	"Mouko Takabisha!" Ranma 
opened  the attack, firing off a quick burst 
at one of the robot's kneecaps.

	"Fierce tiger kick," was Shampoo's
first move, a fierce chi-enhanced kick slamming
into the robot's head.

	Dee shifted and struck the robot's
chest, her claws sinking into an access hatch
and ripping it free a moment later.

	Makoto blinked, shrugged, and
went back to watching Ami as she didn't 
really feel she could add much to the damage
the three were doing. At least as long as 
Ami said that broadcast was going on.

	The robot collapsed, managing to
send a desperate plea to Those Who Command.
-----------------------------------
	"They're doing _what_?" Leader
Idow bigsweated. 

	"Attacking the cleaning robot,"
said Squee with a pained voice.

	"Hey, you waste-heads," Leader
Idow spoke into the communicator. "Cut 
that out!"
-----------------------------------
	The translators running through
this did their usual job. (As a side note, the
Australians were getting their broadcast in
French, while the Mexicans were getting 
something that sounded suspiciously like
a really bad dub.)

	"CEASE AND DESIST, FOOLISH
ONES!"

	The various assembled "representitives"
of Earth weren't buying anything this guy was
saying at this point.

	"STOP THESE ACTIONS, THAT IS
ONLY THE CLEANING ROBOT!"

	"Expression of considerable doubt."
Shampoo said. "Breaking point!"

	Looking at all the smoke coming
out of the robot, Tenchi called the attacking
three back to a safe distance.

	They were rewarded by a rather
large explosion a few moments later.

	The citizens of the world looked
at the suddenly blank screens.

	Nabiki looked at the way the
sphere had shuddered, back to the blank
screen, and started calling for final bets.
-------------------------------
	"Scanners are offline," Ami
announced, watching her board.

	"Shampoo, you have the
honors," Ranma bowed and gestured
towards the door.

	"Breaking point!" Shampoo
thrust a finger towards the huge airlock,
which promptly exploded. "Shampoo think
we play Too Loud Not-man's game too long."

	Tenchi moved past her into the 
hallway and grinned. "I take it we can all keep
secrets here?"

	Nobody disagreed.

	"Right then." Tenchi triggered his
clothes to change into a Juraian battlesuit.

	"Right-o, if we're gonna meet the
skipper of this craft, we might as well change
for the occasion, eh?" Dee shifted back into
her werewolf hybrid form.

	"Where'd Makoto and Ami go?"

	"Mercury Star Power!"

	"Jupiter Star Power!"

	"Huh?" Ranma blinked as two
of the Sailor Senshi walked out of the arena
room.

	"We've gotten Ami and Makoto
to safety. We are the sailorsuited warriors of
love and beauty, Sailor Jupiter."

	Mercury bigsweated. "...and Sailor
Mercury..."

	Ranma nudged Tenchi. "Do they
really think we're dumb enough to buy this?"

	Tenchi replied in the same low 
voice that he thought that they were doing
this for some personal reason and they all
ought to respect their wishes.

	"Oh my, are you sure you want to
wear those fuku? It seems kind of chilly here
for that."

	"Uhm. Regulations, it's our Senshi
uniform."

	"Anyway," Mercury interrupted her
partner. "We've got to find the control room 
before they recover from the blast!"
----------------------------------------
	"Gone!" Squee turned from his
board and addressed the others. "The 
primitives are gone!" 

	The stony form of Gasterphaz
made a clucking noise. "A pity, but that
blast would have damaged even me."

	"N-No, not dead. They've 
escaped."

	Idow dropped his bundle of
fiber optic cables. "They're loose? Aboard
MY SHIP?!"

	"Hmmm. Activating defensive
measures." Gasterphaz flicked a few
switches. "Intruder alert on."

	Idow sat back in his chair. "It
appears there will be a third test after all,
and this is one that WE must pass."

	A few minutes dragged by.

	"They are still onboard, no
airlock has been opened, the forcefield
is still in place, and there are no signs
of them anywhere aboard our vessel."
Gasterphaz opened his hands wide in
a gesture of confusion. "Yet none of
the security cameras can find them.
This is most peculiar. Primitives should
not be able to do this."

	"Maybe they aren't
primitives..." Idow said thoughtfully.

	"Not primitives?"

	Idow began with a fist and
began straightening the fingers of that
hand. "One, they use special techniques
and abilities. Two, one of them at least is
able to shapechange. Three, we took those
unusual energy readings from all but one
of them. Four, at no point did any of them
show any real fear."

	Squee tested the broadcast relay.
Gasterphaz and Idow's next words rolled out
through the broadcast before he could cut it
off again.

	Gasterphaz interrupted Idow, not
realizing how far his words extended. "Wait,
what of that 'housewife' - she seemed to 
react with some degree of fear."

	Idow shook his head. "That was just
the initiation of a mating..."

	Squee cut the inadvertant broadcast
off.

	"...ritual," finished Idow. "I've studied
mammals, I know this sort of thing."
----------------------------------
	Ukyou dropped her spatula and
continued to stare at the television. "No..."

	"Kasumi?!" Akane was horrified.

	"Kasumi?!!" Nabiki was startled
enough to stop counting money. She had
just been joking earlier, but if Ranma and
Kasumi had been "mating"... "Oh my."

	"You see, you dried up monkey?
I _was_ right."

	Cologne clopped Mousse upside
the head with her cane. "Everyone can get
lucky, boy."

	Doctor Tofu fainted.
---------------------------------
	"So, if they aren't primitives, who?"
Gasterphaz stopped. "Galaxy Police?"

	"Or worse," Botswank cried. "The
K'tee, they might be the K'tee!"

	"Hmmm. I could see the Galaxy Police
trying this. The K'tee don't understand sneaky
to this extent."

	"The gas!" Botswank cried from his 
station, the arrogant mushroom shaking in fear.
"We must use the Omega Gas. Flood the ship.
Nothing can resist Omega Gas, not even the 
vaunted Galaxy Police!"

	"What about Trell? Is he to die as
well as the primitives?"

	"Trell is still in the rejuvenation
chamber following Botswank's little 'joke'. 
Providing he remains within, he will be safe."

	"Begin immediately then," ordered
Idow. "Seal off anything organic that the gas
will destroy, food, clothes, us..."

	"Us too? How clever of you, I 
would never have thought of that," Botswank
exclaimed sarcastically.
-------------------------------------------------------
stopping here.

for those of you not familiar with the original
novel "Illegal Aliens" - it's a 1989 book by
Phil Foglio and Nick Pollotta that is in the
style of Chris Anvil's  "Terra Uber Alles"
works. The slapstick/humor levels are very
similar to Ranma in some respects.
	No, the aliens aren't stupid,
but galactic society somehow stratifies
its members (possibly due to the various
lawyers and other limiting lifeforms)
involved. The aliens aren't dumb, merely
complacent.
	If any of my sempai want to
tackle this project, i'll send 'em a copy of
the novel.

	Leader Idow and his gang of
psychopaths basically go around from one
star system to another, and play this little
game of "you fail, we're going to get our
fleet and disintegrate your planet" then
record the rioting, looting, mayhem that
ensues as a form of entertainment.

	The cameras come back on,
and Shampoo opens the door to the 
control room. Omega Gas starts seeping
out of the ventilator ducts.

	Leader Idow gets killed. In
this storyline, the Omega Gas is held at
bay by Mercury's "Shabon Spray" and
she is also the one who shuts off the Gas.
Everyone is relieved, until Botswank tries
to make a run for it. Sailor Jupiter fries him.

	Unfortunately, they are in the
control center when Jupiter's lightning sets
the ship on an auto-launch high speed
evasive retreat manuever. 

	Everybody on Earth watches as
the triumphant heroes are accidently launched
into space with a rabid toadstool and an 
unconcious slave/technician.

	Nabiki sells the fictitious torrid
secret romance of Kasumi and Ranma to a
major network. Etc.

stopping here because I _really_want to
finish up Grand Tour and one other little
story, then call for final votes in the Bet.
You'll know when i do...

ja ne,
gregg