Once upon a time, there was a fanfic author.
He READ a lot more stories than he actually WROTE, though.
So, instead of geting a little work ethic, he got lazy and decided to
take the easy way out, and rag on others works instead.
So he recruited a couple of fictional charchters, snagged a movie
theatre, and grabbed some munchies.
And thus was born.......
LST1/2K: Lunatic Science Theatre 500.
Starring, in no particular order:
Hikaru Gosunkugi: If you don't know who he is, you've got NO
business reading this.
Mackie Stingray: If you don't know who HE is, count yourself
lucky.
Mercutio: Oh, skip it. We ALL know who HE is. ^_^
Mackie: So, it's time for the IMBS Epilogues, eh?
Mercutio: Ayep. Wrapping lose ends, an all that.
Hikaru: Wella, we should probably get going with them, eh?
by Susan Doenime & Mike Loader
Epilogue 1 - Jabberwocky
Mackie: "Jabberwocky?" What the hell is Jabberwocky?
Mercutio: Have you no appreciation for the classics? It's a poem.
Goes a little something *ahem* like this:
'Twas brillig, in the slimy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!
Mercutio: There. That clear things up for'ya?
Mackie: Um... Don't come near me, all right?
Hikaru: Me neither, poem-boy.
Mercuito: What? WHAT?
I gambled in the graveyards
Went against the odds
With the saints and with the saviors
With the maggots and the gods
I cursed the things they showed me
I'd never see them again...
- The Pogues
Mackie: So, no Counter-Quote this time?
Mercutio: The poem counts, dammit! And do you have ANY
idea how hard it is to counter the Pogues?
"Son, would you like to learn a very powerful new
technique?"
I smile. Of course I would! Does he even need to ask?
He always asks.
"Okay, Daddy," I tell him.
He leads me into the backyard. There is a pit, freshly dug,
and a stout wooden cover for it. Inside are cats. Lots of cats.
Mackie: Well well well. What have we here?
Mercutio: It would appear to be Ranma's Secret Origin.
I frown. I like cats. It seems mean to put them in a pit.
"Do you want me to get the kitties out of the pit?" I ask.
That seems a funny sort of training.
"No, son." Daddy looks uncomfortable. "You're going to go
down in there with them, and learn."
Hikaru: It would also appear to vindication for all those who bought
into the Neko-Ken explanation for Ranma's dementia.
"Learn what?"
"The Neko-ken."
Mercutio: Damn. It really IS the Neko-Ken. Now I owe people
money.
I nod. That makes sense. I suppose you would have to
learn the Cat Fist from a cat.
"What's the Neko-ken? Is it any good?" Cats don't hit very
hard. I know, cause I wrestle with our cat Kiki all the time.
Kiki's fun to play with.
Mackie: A cat named Kiki? In IMBS?
Mercuito: We know, we know. "Kiki's Delivery Service." It's a
good nod, though, ya gotta admit
"It's one of the most devastating techniques in the world,
my boy. If you can learn it, you will have truly started along
the path of a great martial artist."
I smile. That sounds good. I want to be a great martial
artist, just like Daddy.
Mercutio: You'll excuse me while I gag.
"Okay. What do I do?"
He takes out a string of fish sausage, and carefully
winds the links around me. Then he daubs fish paste on my
clothes and forehead. I wrinkle my nose. It smells icky.
"Just go into the pit, and learn, boy."
I look down. The cats look up. They have shiny eyes.
"Okay!"
I hop down into the pit. Daddy's been teaching me how to
land right. This is easy, only about six feet, but the cats are
all over it. I don't want to hurt any of them by landing on them.
Mackie: Trust me, kid, that AIN'T gonna be a concern for much
longer.
They look at me, and it's not a very friendly look. I don't
feel so good, all of a sudden. Kiki never looked at me like that...
The wooden cover slides into place overhead.
"Hi, kitties... will you teach me the Neko..."
They leap, they leap as one, and I scream as they slash
and bite and snarl. They jump on my shoulders, and on my head,
and they bite and claw. There are hundreds of them. Thousands.
One claws up my head and I scream, grab it, try to pull it off.
It rips free, and I howl, and then another one is climbing up the
back of my neck. The claws rip me. They are all over me, and I
can't breathe and I throw myself against the walls until I hear
snapping noises.
Hikaru: I'm guessing that's a "yes" on the teching him Neko-Ken
question.
I've got to get out, I've got to get out of the pit, there's
snapping noises and catyowls and screaming and I've got to get
out, got to make them stop, got to get them off of my eyes, got
to keep them from eating me, they want to eat my eyes, got to
GET OUT GET OUTGETOUTGETOUTOUTOUT if I were a cat they
wouldn't see me wouldn't kill me if I were a cat like them they
might leave me alone maybe I could get out maybe I could hide
maybe maybe be be cat pressure in my mind, cats trying to
claw their way out of my head, in my head, eating my guts,
ripping their way out, be a cat and help kill Ranma, be a cat
and...
Mercutio: To everybody out there who ever wanted to learn the secrets
behind Ranma's dementia...... you just got WAY more than you
bargained for.
Mackie: Gah. No kidding. And I used to thing the cat-pit thing was
FUNNY.
"It's okay, son. Snap out of it. You're out. I took you out."
Cats are around me, I'm still in the pit, got to get out.
"I won't make you learn it. Okay, boy?"
Mackie: Hey, since when is Genma this sympathtic?
Pressure in my head, like when you gotta sneeze and it
builds up but you never do sneeze, and the cats are trying to
rip their way out of my head...
"Are you okay, Ranma?"
"Daddy?"
I'm in the pit, but I'm up on the lawn with Daddy.
"Are you okay, boy?"
"I guess so."
Mercutio: Actually, he's about to embark on a decade-long
odyssey of murder, betrayal, and revenge, but other than that,
he's pretty much good.
Why am I still in the pit? The cats are tearing me up,
ripping apart my head, I've got to get out but I'm already out,
how can I escape if I'm already out?
Hikaru: Good question.
"Good boy. Go put some antiseptic on those cuts. I'm sorry
I tried to teach you this so early. Maybe in a few more years."
"Okay."
I go in the house, and in the pit the cats rip out my guts
and eat them. I need to get out.
I put stingy cream on my cuts. The cats tear out my eyes.
Hiakaru: Ah, dichotomy. Such an excellent storytelling tool.
I go watch TV.
I watch.
The cats chew on my bones.
I'm still in the pit.
Mackie: Yes, yes, we've ESTABLISHED this.
Night, and I sneak out of the house, and I get the hose,
and I put one end of it in the pit where the cats are eating my
fingers. I turn it on, and bolt down the cover, and they scream
and yowl and choke and drown.
I crawl back into bed.
Mercutio: Quick! Somebody notify the ASPCA!!
The cats float by me in the pit, eyes bulging, fur falling
off. They dig rotting claws into my flesh, and pull me down to
the watery bottom of the pit, and tear at me in the mud and
silt.
I pull the blankets up over my head.
Waking up, I eat breakfast and do my katas. It helps a bit.
The cats can't hurt me when I'm in control.
Mercutio Oh, HERE'S where the whole control thing comes up.
I stop, and they swim in, rotting flesh over lean, bony
skeletons, and they tear holes in my stomach and eat my
breakfast as I scream.
I train. It helps.
It's worse when Kiki watches me. I thought he was my
friend, but he's not. He's just waiting. Waiting until I fall
asleep.
Mackie: "They are all against me.... they all must DIE!!!"
Mercutio: What's that from again?
Mackie: Innumerable B horror movies.
He keeps watching me. Watching my throat. Watching my
eyes.
But I fool him. I have a pocketknife. And I tear out his
throat, his eyes, his stomach.
Hikaru: Gahh. Hayao Miyazaki would be spinning in his grave. If
he were dead.
And then I lose control, and the cats swarm in and kill
me, rip me apart, bite off my tongue and pull out my intestines
and I scream and scream and scream...
Control. Control keeps them away. Got to keep them away
until I can get out of the pit.
Maybe if I had stayed in a little longer, maybe, I would
have found a way out. Maybe I could have been a cat too and
escaped. But Daddy took me out, and left me behind. I'm still in
the pit.
Mercutio: Gee, could "The Pit" be a metaphor for anything, y'think?
Mackie: Nooooooo, couldn't be.
Hikaru: In case you can't tell, we're being sarcastic.
Daddy found me and Kiki. He doesn't understand. He made
me stop stabbing Kiki, but Kiki's not dead. He's in the pit now.
He's in the pit with no eyes and no stomach and no throat, and
he tears mine out when I lose control.
I grow up.
And I'm still in the pit.
I'm still in the pit.
I'm still in THE PITI'MSTILLINTHEPITI'MSTILLINTHE
Mercutio: A close-up picture of a soul in torment. It ain't pretty,
folks.
^_-
Mariko turned away from the observation gallery,
shuddering.
Mercutio: Oh c'mon! Ranma's suffering eternal torment! You
should be HAPPY!
"You know how we kept saying we wanted to send him to
hell?"
Mackie: Boy, the Hibiki family REALLY needs new lines.
"Yeah?" Koji replied somberly, staring at the writhing
figure strapped to the table, watching as the white-robed
attendants sedated him.
"I think we were too late. He's already there."
He sighed. "So. What now?"
Mariko looked uncomfortable. "He's never going to get out
of there."
Mackie: Unless they're planning a sequel.
Mercutio: Which they aren't.
"I know."
"And he's in more agony right now than anything we could
come up with."
"Probably."
She glared at him. "Okay. Look, I say we call it quits.
Right now. We don't have any justification anymore. Just
revenge. And that's not enough."
Mercutio: Well, it was enough for Ryoga, but then....
"I agree."
"You can keep going if you want, but... wait a minute, you
AGREE?"
Koji nodded. "I agree. I still hate him, and I'd still love to
see him dead, but I'm not going to do this to us anymore."
Mariko looked down. "It hasn't been that bad. It's not
like..."
Mackie: Like you almost turned inot what you were fightin?
"Mariko, you broke an innocent girl's finger and nearly
killed Akane. I helped. Ukyou's probably dead because of us,
even if Shan was the one who did the killing. It's that bad.
We're turning into him." He looked at the screaming boy behind
the gallery windows with repulsed fascination. "We don't even
have his excuses. We aren't insane. We don't live in some sort
of nightmare, not unless we make it ourselves."
Mackie: See? Told'ja.
She sighed, seeming to deflate. "I told Ukyou. Damn it.
I've still got her blood on my hands."
"But we haven't actually killed anyone, not yet. Not
directly. I think... I think we might have become something
unpleasant if we had. We still might, if we keep going. The
person who broke Kasumi's finger was not my sister. I didn't
recognize her, and I didn't like her."
She didn't meet his gaze. "This is why you make the big
deal about honor, isn't it," she said quietly.
Mercutio: NOW she gets it. Good for you, shotgun-girl.
Koji slowly nodded. "It keeps us from becoming what we
fight. It helps, anyway. I haven't recognized myself either, the
past few weeks."
"So we..." She struggled for words, for a bit, her eyes
filling with tears. "We aren't letting Ryouga down. We can't be.
This wasn't about him. It was for us, not for him."
"It... I guess it was." Koji looked lost for a second,
confused. "So it's over?"
Hikaru: Considering this is an epilogue? Yeah, it's over.
> "It's over," Koji said, saying the words wonderingly.
"What the hell do we do with ourselves now?"
"Back to school, I guess. Didn't you always want to be a
doctor?"
He shook his head. "I don't remember anymore." A strange
look came over his face. "I haven't wanted anything in a long
time that didn't involved killing him. Is it really over?"
Mercutio: Yes, dammit, it's over!!!
"It's over, brother mine. It's really over."
Slowly, still holding each other, they left.
In the room below, behind glass windows, Ranma
screamed, and screamed, and screamed.
Mackie: Then agian... maybe it's NOT over.
Ask my brother to tell me when the sun is high
Have my sister show him how
They have tied me down and taken out my eyes
So I won't be crying now
The stars I've followed have all fallen to the ground
Pulling shadows through the air
You may call my name and gently lay me down
But you'll never keep me there
Hold the rope and tie it gently to the tree
Thirteen twists upon the noose
There's a hanging man a-trying to get free
But I will not cut him loose
I will not cut him loose!
- Cats Laughing
Mackie: And for OUR Counter-Quote to this litle epilogue?
Mercutio: Nothing too fancy. Just the completion of the
poem from which the Epilogue draws it's name. Kudos to
you, Lewis Carroll.
And, as in ufish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling throuigh the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and theough.
The vorpal blade went sicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with it's head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
Mercutio: And that, as they say, is THAT.
Mackie: So, I guess we'll be reviewing the other two epilogues
now, eh?
Mercutio: Nope.
Hikaru: Say what? Why not?
Mercutio: Becasue they don't lend themselves to MST'ing. And
because they don't deserve that kind of mocking on our part.
I think we'll just leave the very tail ends of Ill Met by Starlight
alone, and let others decide on their own what to make of them.
Now, it's time for us to stop, and fade away quietly into the
readers minds, like all good reviews should.
Mackie: So... it's over? The entire MST thing? We're done?
Hikaru: But what'll become of us, if we can't do IMBS anymore?
Mercutio: We'll figure something out, I'm sure.
Mackie: .........
Hikaru: ..........
Mercutio: ..........
Mackie: Y'know.....
Mercutio: What?
Mackie: I hear RpM is writing a new fic....
Hikaru: Really? Cool.
Mercutio: I suppose if we dropped by and.. y'know.... gave a little
constructive criticism, that it wouldn't hurt.
Mackie: Well then, what're we waiting for? Let's go!
Hikaru: Wait a second... we should probably leave our readers with
something pithy and insightful. It's been a good long run here, after all.
Mercutio: I have just the thing. Provided thoughtfully by the Bard...
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
Mercutio: And with that, one and all, we bid you goodnight!
-End LST1/2K-
But not for long....... ^_-