Trying Martial arts techniques.

	Hello, I'm here to tell you about my personal martial arts
training. I have been an obsessive Manga reader for some time now and
some of those techniques seem to just make sense. I decided to try a
couple from the series Ranma 1/2.
	For example.

	Katsutenshin amaguriken. [Sweet chestnuts roasting on an open
fire.]

	This was the first technique I've tried. Simple right? I started
with arguing weather or not it could be done with my martial arts sensei,
who, curiously enough, requested that his name and the name of my school
be omitted. It is a Kempo dojo in the Jacksonville area.
	After a few days of intensive punch drilling, just to get up to
speed I decided that I could try. As I expected I burned my hands, but
was not disheartened. I knew that not even Ranma had accomplished this
technique on his first try. After a few days I began to realize that
things were not going well. My hands were constantly sore and I had many
blisters and large burn scars to bandage up for several weeks after. 
	Finally I concluded that I had not trained enough, I would come
back to this technique after a year or two. That is, when I was fast
enough.

So far, Me: 0  Common sense: 1
	
	Bakusai Tenketsu. [Breaking or Blasting point]

	This technique required the help of a friend. I found a willing
participant who would swing me into a large rock from a tree. It was
disturbingly easy to do, I didn't even have to convince him. After the
first painful three tries I broke not only my finger but two ribs and an
arm. Yet another technique that was sadly shelved for lack of further
training. Eventually I had to settle for my friend punching me around for
a few hours a day, until I can take it and try this one again.

	Score, Me: 0 Common sense: 2

	Hidden weapons techniques.

	Basically I went into the kitchen and stuffed every sharp object
I could find into my clothes. I now know this is not wise, sharp things
are not only uncomfortable but make a good deal of noise. They also tend
to restrict your movement. Lets see you try to sit down with a set of
steak knives in your shorts. Lesson learned from this? Don't ever stick a
butcher knife down the front of your pants.

	Me: still 0 Common sense: 3

	I was getting disheartened by this time, after numerous hospital
visits the insurance company was beginning to grow suspicious. I had to
act fast and get a work related injury to disguise my work, or lay low
and try some less dangerous stuff. I chose the second option, call me a
wuss if you must but I think you would have too.

	Umbrella's, Throwing bandannas, and belt swords.

	I learned than no matter how hard you spin your wrist a bandanna
will not spin faster than it will. I almost dislocated the joints with
this one in frustrated attempts to get the bandannas to spin fast enough
to fly and cut stuff. The belt was met with similar results, but I did
manage to perfect my wet towel bathroom whip technique. I can send a fat
kid scurrying across a locker room in a single shot. 
	Lesson learned this time? Bamboo umbrellas are not only more
durable in anime than in real life, but also allot less expensive.

	Another failure Me: 0 Common sense: 4

	Hiryu Shouten Ha. [Flying Dragon ascension defeat]

	This one was not so easy. It's rather hard to stay calm after
pissing off someone much larger than you and try to lead them into a
circle. It's much more difficult than it looks. My personal soul of ice
training was inadequate.[see Shi shi houkou dan] Chalk up another
hospital visit and yet another failure.

	Me: 0 Common sense: 5

	Sekai saikiyou [Mark of the gods]

	Well this one was an interesting test. I attempted to draw a
large stupid looking face on my stomach and then proceeded to pick a
fight. Unfortunately that wasn't very hard, the guy was still angry over
the Hiryu shouten ha incident. It's not my fault his sister was changing
with her window open! I could barely make out her chest from the tree
outside her window! Honest!

	Me: still 0 Common sense: 6
 
	Rouga shyou hai tai [fox fist] and Moukou geki tai [tiger blow]

	The technique of distracting your opponent and hitting him while
he isn't looking. These techniques work very well together. Especially
when combined with the Saotome secret technique [See Saotome ryu ougi] 

	Me: 1 at last! Common sense: 7

	Neko ken [Cat fist]

	This technique didn't go over very well, it was almost disastrous
actually. I had managed to gather a large number of stray and
neighborhood cats together and tossed them into a pit I dug in my back
yard. Needless to say I didn't feed them. After jumping in and having the
animals all run away from me for several days I realized that I had to be
much younger and smaller for the training to work. 
	I abandoned the technique after I discovered that neighbors don't
like having their pets kidnapped. 
	Lesson learned this time? 
	Animal cruelty fines are expensive, I would have gotten off
easier robbing a bank or killing some one. It's possible even molesting a
child would have gotten me less time and fines.

	Me: 1 Common sense: 8


	Saotome ryu ougi [Saotome final attack or desperation move.]
	The super secret technique of running away until you can think of
something better to do. The only draw back is it requires you to come
back and face your opponent when you do, I recommend distracting yourself
with Sailor moon or some Shojo manga. It will completely rot your brain
and prevent you from thinking at all. When you finally forget about what
your supposed to be thinking of, your obligation ends.

	Me: 2 Common sense: 8

	Seme ken [Shark fist]

	No matter how many different ways you hit the water you cannot
make it into the shape of a shark. I spent six months in a swimming pool
with screaming kids and avoiding warm spots in the water for this.
	Lesson learned? Always swim in the winter.

	Me: 2 Common sense: 9

	Happo dai kairin [Happo fire burst]
	The most successful of all the techniques tried. It also almost
got me arrested for blowing up the neighbor hood mail boxes. This is the
most fun of all the techniques, the big scary guy is avoiding me now.
[see Hiryu shouten ha.] 
	HAPPO DAI KARIN! *BOOM!* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
	Gotta watch those fuses though, ouch.

	Me: 3 Common sense: 9 

	Shi shi houkou dan [Roaring lion bullet]
	This one was difficult. I had to get depressed, I decided to use
this for the 'Soul of ice' training for the Hiryu shouten ha attack as
well. It went something like this...

	Unattractive girl: Wow I didn't think you'd ever ask -me- out.
	Me: Well, normally I wouldn't. I'm in training you see.
	UG: What do you mean?
	Me: Well, I have to get depressed. The fastest way I figure doing
that is to let people see me going out with a cow like you and then
suffer through the stale wit of my friends.
	UG: What did you call me!? You prick! [Insert loud slapping noise
here.]
	Me: OK that ought to do it.

	As I suspected her friends and my friends made my life a living
hell from that day on. 
	My own friends by the harsh teasing and hers by the simple
vengeful dirty looks ugly people give to people much more attractive than
them. They wouldn't dare do anything more. Because then they might seem
like mean ugly people and completely shatter any chances of getting a
date.
	After a few days I was upset enough to try. [My friends were much
crueler than I had anticipated.] Three guesses on what happened. 

	Me: still 3 Common sense: 10
	
	Mouko Takabishi [Fierce dominating tiger]
	Since the Shi shi houkou dan didn't work I had to try for
something new. I figure that since I'm so smug and overconfident...why
the hell not. Moukou Takabishi was next.
	Unfortunately I was still down from all these failures and the
cow date. It'll have to wait until I can remind myself how wonderful I
am. It could take a few days cause I'm kind of a prima donna about things
like that, but you tell me I said that and I'll kill you.

	Me: 3 Common sense: 11

	Kakutou deina [Martial arts gourmet eating] Ofurasosu family
style.
	Can you say malnutrition? Good, neither can I. I didn't eat for
two weeks over this, they had to revive me with a bag of vitamin
supplement and an IV drip at the hospital. On the plus side I discovered
I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue, and I lost twenty pounds
in just two weeks! I should use this as a diet plan and sell it to stupid
fat people. Too bad Takahashi-samma owns the rights...

	Me: 3 Common sense: 12

	Happo go en satsu [Happo five yen money]
	Japanese Yen are pretty hard to come by in the states. So I just
drilled a hole in some US currency and went to town. Unfortunately it
didn't work very well. I couldn't drain anyone no matter how I tried and
people were giving me funny looks for pointing money at them. 
	I didn't even turn into some super buff dude either, it kinda
sucked. Eventually I got kicked out of the club I had gone to test my
theory by a bouncer named Tiny. He gave me his number though, I'm not
sure if I should be flattered or frightened. Especially since he somehow
got my name and phone number and won't stop calling. 
	
	Me: 3 Common sense: 13

	Kakuto Sadou [The way of tea]

	This style didn't work out very well. Not only are traditional
tea ceremony props hard to come across in the US, they are also
expensive. I tried a few of the things with the little wooden spoon and
bowel but somehow I couldn't make them into the deadly weapons they
should have been. Besides, so you have any idea how hard it is to walk
while sitting down? My ankles are still killing me. This one was
abandoned rather quickly.

	Me: 3 Common sense: 14


 	Pantsuto ryu sei kiyaku [Pantyhoes dragon power kick] and Hiryu
korin dan [No translation available]
	Well, since I can't get a gigantic minotaur to spin me around by
a pair of nylons or a half dragon man to shoot chi balls at me these are
pretty much untested.  I did try to hang from a pair of stockings though,
they wouldn't hold my weight and ripped in half. I suppose it's for the
best that I didn't try that one. Still it couldn't hurt that much if it
didn't work. 

	Final tally? Me: 3 Common sense: 15

	That about does it for this list. I know I didn't mention every
little technique but you get the general idea. 
	Happosai is my new hero and I hope when I get old that I can be a
dirty old man too, just like him. At least I have something to shoot for
and a retirement goal. 

	Until next time, Ja.
	Catbert25

	C&C to Catbert25@juno.com

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