"Alan Harnum" <harnums@www.hotmail.com> wrote:

    The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.

I suppose this puts a damper on my idea to make my fortune selling 
HaM brand beer, huh?

Sure does! I'm always proud to brutally stomp on my fellow man's
entrepeneurial spirit.

    Mother never came back home. Nabiki would later muse that fate
had been teaching her an important lesson: always get your promises in
writing, signed and notarized. Not that it would've done any good.

Interesting insight, but a little... blunt, I suppose.  It might be
better to let people construe from the flashback the lesson Nabiki
learned... 

Hmmm... not sure. I'll think about it.

    Part of her hoped that Kasumi would stay gone. The eldest Tendo
sister had always been a bit inscrutable. She usually seemed blissfully
oblivious, but every now and then something would slip through, some
clue that maybe she paid more attention to what went on around her than
anyone thought. Still, as long as she stayed in her kitchen, it hadn't
mattered. Now it was a different story. She was a completely
unpredictable element, and Nabiki didn't like that. It put the dream at
risk.

Ahh, yes.  Fanfic Cliche #47... Kasumi the Hidden Genius!  ;)

Well, that's only Nabby's supposition at this point....

One:  You missed a space between the end of Kasumi's quotation marks 
and 'Kaede'.

Two:  In the context you're using it in, 'Kami' shouldn't be
capitalized in this sentence.  It's a general term, not a specific
group name, in this instance.

OK, will correct these.

    "Yes, I really can't blame them. Though they did take a
particular interest when I described Hibiki Ryoga. Strange."

Heh.  Entertaining.  I suspect we've seen these farmers before...  

Maybe. Ryoga's met a LOT of farmers by now. :)

    She let those thoughts float free and returned to her breathing.
Each breath was like a wave on the ocean, water flowing gently to and

>from the shore over and over in a ceaseless rhythm. Her muscles 
relaxed.

Her mind stretched, twisting and expanding until she was looking down 

on

herself. Her body melted away from her perceptions. Unencumbered by 

form

and substance, she danced through the ether, being everywhere and
nowhere all at once.

"Goodness," Kasumi said.  "Those magical mushrooms Kaede-sensei gave
me to help really do work."

"But did she have to cut them off at five centimeters long? MOMMY!!!"

    Tendo Kasumi closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they
looked down on an adult woman. "Yes, Mother. I won't disappoint you."

This whole scene... very ominous.  Foreshadowing, perhaps?  "You have
a job to do, Kasumi... you can't stay with me... yet..."

Maybe. (On the other hand, we all gotta go *sometime....*)

    It was strange, the way she had felt when she left Nerima for
the United States. Nabiki loved her family. She couldn't wait to get
away from them.

This paragraph is confusing at first reading.  Might be better if the
last sentence were "She also couldn't wait to..."

I'll think about this.

A girl who hates boys more than Akane and is more violent... yikes...

Remember the girls' volleyball captain from Tomobiki in UY? That's
Saruko (though I made up the name 'cause I couldn't remember what the
character in UY was called.)

And oh yeah... Junior High shouldn't be capitalized.

OK.

"When I was just a little girl... I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?  Here's what she said to me..."

Suddenly. Michael Palin rushes onto the scene. "STOP THAT! You're not
gonna do a song while I'm here!"

    Something imperceptible floated at the edge of Kasumi's senses;
a feeling that she was suddenly being watched by something she couldn't
quite focus on. Kaede seemed to notice it too. Her gaze slowly began to
scan the darkened courtyard, fixing on something Kasumi couldn't see.

Hmm... I didn't get this at first reading, but now I think I do...  Is
something supernatural possessing Tofu?

Maybe. :) This is one scene that you readers will have to interpret for
yourselves -- and there probably won't be any clues about it in the
following chapters, either. One of Kasumi's assumptions may be very
wrong.

Capitalize the 'rewards' part of 'Sweet rewards'.  It's a product
name.

Will do.

I find this view of Nabiki interesting, even if it doesn't completely
jibe with my own opinions about her.  She seems to have become an
"ends justify the means" personality in this story, and while I find
it hard to see her as desiring to make the world a better place, 
given her noted selfishness and lack of care for anyone beyond 
herself, it's still plausible enough to work.

To tell the truth, I can't really say that I subscribe to this view of
Nabz either. But it's an interesting one to write about, and I think
there's enough ambiguity in her character that one can't rule it out.
The money she takes from Ranma and from Kuno is just penny-ante. Who's
to say what she'd do if she got into a situation where the stakes were
bigger?

    "Don't like sports? I thought everybody did." Charles Brandon
was a tall, muscular man who looked to be in his upper twenties. Neatly
styled jet black hair framed a youthful face with large brown eyes. His
only unattractive feature was an unusually prominent forehead.

Hey!  That's a sign of intelligence!

Yeah, but sometimes signs show incorrect information....

    Oops. Nabiki mentally kicked herself. Hadn't even considered
that. How could she be so smart and yet so stupid? Or had it just been 

a

case of willful blindness? Had she deliberately overlooked the possible
consequences of her actions?

Bingo.

Hey, it was a rhetorical question! ^_^

You continue to maintain the high standards of the previous chapters
with this one.  Two quite original views of the two eldest Tendo 
sisters are woven in here, and while things occasionally seem a bit
rushed because of this, it's generally handled well.

Eagerly awaiting the final chapter, and the long-promised main
series.  Good work, Gary.

Thanks! I actually have time to write now, so hopefully we'll see
progress soon. As always, I thank you for the commentary!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics