Date: 	Tue, 27 Oct 1998 23:24:59 -0400 (AST)
From: "Philip C. Mak" <pmak@cs.dal.ca>
Reply-To: "Philip C. Mak" <pmak@cs.dal.ca>
To: Kanomi <kanomi@hisnhers.com>
cc: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Lemon] Nothing Wrong with this Picture

This was a really nicely done Ranma/Kasumi lemon. One thing that I find
frequently gets overlooked in Ranma/somebody lemons is the usage of
Ranma's girl side. Your fic did that, and showed that Kasumi didn't 

mind

it at all.

Hmmm... Actually, I've been seeing a lot more of the Onna-Ranma thing in 
Lemons, lately.  Still, this was a better than average example of the 
concept.

Just one thing which stuck out glaringly at me; the usage of male 

pronouns

even when Ranma is in female form. Especially since this is a
lemon...doesn't this line sound kinda weird:

up against HIS soft, curvy frame, nuzzling at HIS breasts for a 

moment,

The usage of the female pronoun also makes it easier for the reader to
ascertain what form Ranma is currently in. Personally I find fics told

>from the perspective of a character (rather than a neutral narrarator) 
are

harder to follow/less clear and its harder to keep track of everything
that's going on (e.g. Ranma changing forms); using the female pronouns
when Ranma is female would really help here.

Even more helpful would be picking a verb tense and sticking with it.  
You can get away with one for the current action and one for the 
flashback, or you can stick to past tense for everything, but your tense 
should definitely not be switching in the middle of paragraphs.

The he/she thing has been endlessly debated, and will probably continue 
to be unresolved.  I think it worked here, for the simple reason that, 
as the story was told from Kasumi's perspective, it reflected how she 
viewed Ranma--essentially "male", regardless of form.

BTW, your quotes showed up as strange characters...there should be an
option in whatever word processor is using to make it use normal quotes
(aka turn off smart quotes)...or perhaps try saving in "MS-DOS Text"
format as opposed to just Text.

Agreed.  While Hotmail can handle the quotes when I'm reading the story, 
directional quotes make it almost impossible to use source text for C&C:  
The original text winds up as a bunch of gibberish.

Frankly, if Mak-kun hadn't written, I probably wouldn't have, either, 
and that would have been a shame, because the story itself was very well 
thought out, and deserves some good notice.

BTW, it isn't really necessary to go into too much more detail on The 
Breakup (as you considered in your notes), except perhaps to explain how 
they got the parents to accept the idea, and why the fathers didn't 
immediately try to set up an alternate choice.

--Freemage

-Philip Mak (pmak@cs.dal.ca)
http://is2.dal.ca/~pmak/ukyou.html and shampoo.html
Ranma 1/2 Videos as low as $20.99 available

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com