(Rules for submitting stories for review at the end of the list.)

        Well, I got some offers of stories, and here's what I was able to
read through and analyze:

        RANMA NIBUN NO ICHI 9: H is for Hinako (24/30)
        SAILOR MOON 4200 Ch. 1-6 (23/30)

***
        TITLE: Ranma nibun no ichi - 9 - H is for Hinako 
        AUTHOR: Caroline Seawright
        SERIES: Ranma 1/2

        More adventures in Caroline's alternate post-manga story... when
Hinako-sensei absorbs some of Happousai's hentai-ki, she becomes
super-hentai herself! Can a rejuvenated Cologne and... Gosunkugi??... get
the water from Spring of Drowned Priest to cure her before she becomes
totally uncontrollable?

       (a) Technical: 4

      Aside from one use of 'her' for 'he' typo, I found no spelling or
basic grammar problems; there is still a bit of room for improvement.

        (b) Continuity: 4

       The point where the continuity doesn't quite hold up is with Hinako.
At one point, we see Hinako after the 'hentai-ki' should have worn off, a
very hentai little girl; at another, after the *ahem* deflowering, we see
Hinako still full of hentai-ki, not acting in the least hentai. It makes for
a touching scene, but it doesn't seem consistent in the least.

        (Note: based on fixes I've seen since on this point, the score could
be upped to a 5: however, for now I'm going on the original story review.)

        (c) Storytelling: 8

        This story builds with conflict through to climax and denouement,
all the while maintaining the episodic tone and taking time to remind us
whose series it is. The Ranma/Akane love scene could be omitted, but it does
no serious harm in its presence, and serves as a useful placeholder in the
longer view of the series.
        Caroline's description is inconsistent, as usual- this stood out to
me when the Nekohanten was described, or rather not described at all. Part
of this could be that, this being a series, you've described a lot of these
things beforehand; however, the human eye can look at old things and see new
aspects. Don't be afraid to spend a few adjectives on an object. Take a
moment to give the feeling of presence- and do it consistently.
        Caroline isn't as bad with 'was' as a lot of writers are here, but
she does have multiple places where you could rewrite away that passive
verb. There are several other tell-me sentences, a couple of which really
hurt the story by their presence.

         (d) Presentation: 5

      Excellent, easy-to-read format.

        (e) Bonus Points: 3

        Gosunkugi reacts in the most realistic way I could think of to
getting laid- he goes on a massive guilt trip.

         Caroline is probably the best lemon writer currently in anime
fanfiction. I know for a fact I can't write a serious love scene at all,
much less do it as realistically as shecan. As usual, excellent job.

        Total: 24 out of a possible 30. 

***

        TITLE: Sailor Moon 4200 Ch. 1-6
        AUTHOR: Angus MacSpon
        SERIES: Sailor Moon

        Welcome to the Fifth Millenium A. D. Crystal Tokyo is ancient
history, and Third Tokyo is bringing civilization back from the Dark Age. In
the seeming normality of the city, two cats- one old, one very young- seek
out the new generation of Sailor Senshi, some new, some old, some reborn...
to fight the evil which overthrew Queen Serenity seven centuries before.

       (a) Technical: 3

       I think 'was' is some sort of a peeve with me; I do know it's one of
the simplest things a writer can fix or work on in their writing. Give it a
try, people, hunt down every 'was' in your draft sometime and try your best
to eliminate it. There will be exceptions, but eliminating 'was' usually
forces you to be a better writer.

        Most grammar here is good (for New Zealand- over here we tend to
spell draughts 'd-r-a-f-t-s'), but the author needs to do some serious
boning up on rules of usage for colons, semicolons, and commas, to say
nothing of beginning sentences with a conjunction or making sure the
sentences are -complete.-

        (Yes, there are exceptions to the latter two, but when you overuse
the exceptions they cease to be exceptions.)

        (b) Continuity: 4

        Two minor points here: 

        First, there is a little bit of internal continuity fudging
regarding the date of Third Tokyo's founding. The introductions and most
internal references make it about a century before the story, but at least
one reference implies it was much longer before then.

        Second (and this may just be my hentai muse fooling me), I tend to
believe that any uniform which can be torn or ripped can also be removed,
should the wearer decide to. (Of course, this isn't -that- kind of fic...)

        (c) Storytelling: 6

        Since the story's not finished, I can't tell for sure how well the
entire story works out; the part which exists is well paced and consistently
interesting, with the major characters exceptionally fleshed out for a fanfic.

        The Introduction/Prologue was very good; it set the hook for the
reader without giving too much away too soon.
       
        However, the material tends to very wildly between well-written,
flowing prose with deep characterization and solid description and breeze-by
skeletal bits with little to nothing of either. When it is good, it's -very-
good, but when it's bad it's... well... okay, kind of. This inconsistency
needs some serious work, and I don't mean just in edits, I mean in long-term
writing practice.

        (d) Presentation: 5

        Format consistently readable. Very good.

        (e) Bonus Points: 5

        This is the first post-Crystal Tokyo story I've ever seen. It's very
obvious Angus put a good deal of thought into how Third Tokyo works.

       Furthermore, Angus has a natura, as yet unrefined storytelling
talent... and I don't think it'll take too much to refine that talent into a
truly kick-ass force in writing whatever he chooses.

        The reborn Makoto Kino, in particular, deserves honorable mention.
Angus balanced out the influx of two past lives and the confusion and pathos
of outliving one's closest friends into a very well-done and realistic
portrayal of an old-young, confused-confident woman.

       The pacing throughout the story thus far is excellent. I was
literally carried away by the story, and I eagerly await the next chapter.

        Total: 23 out of a possible 30. 
***

        HOW TO SUBMIT YOUR STORY TO THE REDNECK GAIJIN

        (1) I prefer emailed submissions of completed stories. I will review
incomplete or episodic stories, but I need -all- the pre-existing episodes
together for a complete review, and unfinished stories will not be rated as
highly as finished stories (roughly a 2-point deduction).

        (2) Submissions or review requests must have [REDNECK] in the
header, and should be sent to me, SEPARATE from the FFML, at redneck@detnet.com.

        (3) I will make a good faith effort to review your work; however, if
I cannot read through the entire work, I cannot review it. If I cannot
review your work, I will tell you privately why I couldn't. Please don't
re-submit stories afterwards, no matter what the reasons; I do not have
enough free time to try to review the same story twice.

        (4) Any story submitted for review will have any review made from
that story posted in brief to the FFML; a longer, more in-depth review will
be sent privately to the author, along with suggestions on how the work can
be improved.

        (5) To save me some time and effort, here are some basics you should
bear in mind while writing:

                (a) Just because you've gotten to the end of the story
doesn't mean you're done. Proofread and rewrite. Your first draft should not
be your finished draft.

                (b) Learn every rule of grammar you can. Learn them so well
you obey them even without knowing the names of the rules. The better you
learn them, the better you can break them for artistic effect when you need to.

                (c) Any form of the verb 'to be', especially 'was,' is
passive. Passive verb sentences kill a story. Rewrite your sentences to
replace them with active verbs. Rewrite 'was' descriptive sentences using
active verbs; this makes the description more effective.

                (d) '-ly' is not your friend. Adverbs can hurt you as much
as help you. Use them sparingly, and don't be afraid to cut them out during
rewrites.

                (e) Never, ever assume your reader knows what things look
like. Describe. Use verbs with visual overtones, like 'sprinted,' 'jogged,'
'scrambled,' or 'raced' instead of 'ran.' Don't be afraid to take extra
space and time to give the reader a setting to work from. *THIS IS DOUBLY
IMPORTANT IF THE READER ISN'T FAMILIAR WITH THE ANIME YOU'RE FANFICCING.*

                (f) Vary up sentence structures. If a long string of
sentences read the same way, the reader will get bored and move on to
something else.

                (g) Vary up word usages. Don't use the same active verb
twice in the same paragraph, if not the same -page-. The lone exception to
this is 'said,' since efforts to avoid using it in a long string of dialogue
can become even more painful than using 'said' over and over.

                (g1) Don't use 'said' if you can help it. So long as you can
indicate who is speaking in that particular paragraph, the 'said' can be
taken as read.

        Looking forward to the next batch of stories!
      
        Redneck


Kris Overstreet's email has changed...
http://www.detnet.com/redneck/ - Redneck Gaijin Online
http://www.wren-spot.com/wlp/ - White Lightning Productions
http://www.jurai.net/~redneck/dvpbem/ - In Nomine: Dark Victory PBEM
http://www.wren-spot.com/wlp/milkmaid.html - The Magnificent Milkmaid
... respond to redneck@detnet.com please