<snip>
"Oh, so its all my fault? I'm not the one that fired
^^^
that blast. You're the one that lost your temper," retorted
Ryoko.
it's
<snip>
What you did was inexcusable. You both should be ashamed of
yourselves," said Kiyone, glaring at both of them. Ryoko
returned her glare with stony silence while Aeka continued
to meditate on her feet. Sasami said nothing but sat down
beside Aeka while Ryo-Ohki "miya"ed softly. Katsuhito came
^^^^^^^^
down, followed by Tenchi.
miyaed or miya'ed
Looks a little strange, but better than the quote marks.
Immediately, all four girls asked the same
question,"How's she doing?"
^^
Add a space.
"Mihoshi will be fine. She's still more than a little
scared but there is no permanent damage. She's going to
rest for a couple of hours though and she doesn't need any
disturbances," said Katsuhito. When he was finished, he
left and headed for the shrine. Tenchi quickly glanced
around the room and then followed his replace.
^^^^^^^
grandfather.
<snip>
"Well, it all started earlier when I got mad at Ryoko
and Aeka for fighting all the time. I thought I had
convinced them to stop until this afternoon. Even though it
was Aeka who delivered the final bolt, both her and Ryoko
^^^
started fighting again. When I saw what happened to
Mihoshi, it scared me. I didn't really mind their fighting
she
<snip>
"Mihoshi will make a good granddaughter-in-law. I'm
proud of your choice and your wisdom. However, you need to
have faith in your friends, Tenchi," Katsuhito. He then
^^^^^^^^^
returned to his Tai Chi.
Katsuhito what?
<snip>
"It's been hard, trying not to get too angry at Ryoko
and Aeka. I mean, I don't know what I would have done if
you had been hurt any worse. Today, I really felt like I
could love some one again. Ever since my mother died, I've
been afraid to get to close to anyone. When you guys showed
up, I started to loosen up a little but when Ryoko and Aeka
^^^
started fighting over me. It scared me again. I didn't
want to get to close to either of them because I was afraid
of what would happen if I did. But then, I found you. You
cracked my shell, if only for a moment. I was just starting
to, well, become alive again when[pause] it happened. The
shock put me right back where I started," said Tenchi.
Mihoshi's eyes began to brim over with tears when she heard
this.
Start a new sentence here and combine it with the one right after it.
But when Ryoko and Aeka started fighting over me, it scared me again.
This makes sense, the current structure doesn't. Replace [pause] with
an ellipses.
"Oh Tenchi, no-one's ever said that to me before. I've
always felt like some sort of loser because I couldn't ever
do anything right. I was always screwing up and that scared
other people. I thought no one would ever love me. Even my
grandfather seemed a little wary of me," she burst into
^^^
tears.
Start a new sentence here.
<snip>
At the party, Aeka had declared "she would no longer
seek the hand of Tenchi in marriage" and Ryoko "acquiesced"
under condition that Mihoshi should take good care of
Tenchi.
Again, the quote marks seem out of place.
At the party, Aeka had declared that she would no longer
seek the hand of Tenchi in marriage and Ryoko acquiesced
under the condition that Mihoshi would take good care of
Tenchi.
<snip>
dress and onto Ryo-Ohki's head. The cabbit, scared by the
pieces of food that suddenly appeared all around and on top
of her, "miya"ed and launched herself into the air. She
^^^^^^^^
landed in the punch bowl which then sent a giant tidal wave
of red punch across everyone in the room. The only person
who came out of it unscathed was Mihoshi who had ducked
<snip>
Then, a loud "MIYAAAA" echoed across the forest and
everybody smiled. Ryo-Ohki, "miya"ing at the top of her
voice, was racing up the path, wearing a red bow that if
possible, made her look cuter than ever. Sasami giggled as
Ryo-Ohki slid to a stop at the bottom of the steps and
"miya"ed once more to express her apologies at being late.
"May I continue?" asked Katsuhito with a smile. Ryo-
Ohki "miya"ed in assent and sat down to watch the wedding.
Lots of miyas.
"The rings?" paused Katsuhito. Sasami shyly held them
up for Tenchi and Mihoshi. Mihoshi placed her's on Tenchi's
^^^^^
ring finger. Tenchi then took the other and slipped it
hers
slowly on to Mihoshi's. "Tenchi, you may kiss the bride,"
^^^^^
said Katsuhito, a grand smile on his face.
onto
Overall, it's a good story. It probably would be a better story with
more conflict. Realistically, Aeka and Ryoko aren't going to accept
Tenchi's choice immediately. You had good dialog between Tenchi and
Mihoshi, but you might want to add some scenes between Tenchi and the
other girls (or Aeka and Ryoko by themselves) to show how they came to
accept Tenchi's decision.
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Josh Green, aka Pi -- SORT@BUCKET.UALR.EDU
http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/
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