First of all, if you want people to read your fic, it helps to format
correctly. That means either spaces, indents, or both to divide
paragraphs, and dialog in "quote marks." You might study some of the
fics that get posted on the list to get an idea of the kind of
formatting that's considered proper, because doing it right will
increase the number of readers you'll get.

you do need to make iot easier to read. The beginning wasn't that hard 
but the end was terrable..

As for the story, frankly, it didn't really grab me. It wasn't that
funny, and it was extremely heavy with fanfic cliches. Like the idea
that Genma arranged hundreds of fiancees for Ranma as a child. Read
the manga. He actually only did that TWICE -- and the second time, it
was Ukyo's father's idea; Genma had to be talked into it.

more than twice, three times, but you only get it hinted at at the end 
of that story arch. Also the story was dry but it wasn't that bad for a 
shortfic and a first try. You should encorage new authers not depress 
them. The last thing we need is a cliche filled dark fic.... Then again 
^_-

Ms. Miokane suffers from an ailment that's extremely common to "new
character" fics, especially by first-time authors. She doesn't show
any personality. You probably feel that you know her well, but that's
not good enough. As a writer, you have to make us readers feel that >WE 

know your character.

she show little personality, not no personality, not even Ayanami shows 
no personality.

What motivates her? What are her likes and dislikes? What does she
feel inside? What makes her unique compared to the hundreds of other
"new characters" that we've seen show up at the dojo in other >people's
fics? These are things that you need to show us in your story. And we
don't get any of that in this one.

it was just a short fic, your judjing it to hard.. If she works on it a 
revised version could be turned into a great fic..

And Chris Angel and Brett Handy aren't kami. What does that prove
about their fics?

how would you know?? what about Twister and the people at Eyrie??



 Any way the fic could use work but it's an okay first try... maybe your 
next should be made as badly as possible for revenge against depressing 
critics ^_^


                                                          -Pandomine

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