Leifker presents...
Tokyo Blues
A Kimagure Orange Road work of anime fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker
All KOR characters created by some guy named Matsumoto. All rights
reserved. I ask that you not do anything with any part of this work
without the author's permission.
Did you see the writing on the wall?
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The weight of the saxophone feels good in my hands, as the fingers
caress the cold brass. I put my lips to the mouthpiece; more
seasoned musicians have compared it to the kiss of a familiar loved
one, though I wouldn't know. Taking a deep breath, I begin the song,
one I can't even remember the name to, only the way it makes me feel
inside.
This is my mourning song. This is what I play whenever things aren't
going well. I couldn't count how many times I've spent my nights
here, feeling the sea wind blowing through my hair, letting the
saxophone vent what I will not cry over. I have mourned the blind
stupidity of classmates, the ice from an unloving family, and the
simple futility of a society that does not want me - occasionally all
at once.
Tonight, though, is different.
Tonight, I mourn the lost years.
God, I was stupid. I... I let myself become precisely what they
didn't want - and, as such, precisely what they expected. They saw a
delinquent in their midst, someone they could point at as an example
of what not to be. They wanted an enemy, an outcast, someone who
would be lower than them no matter how slimy they were - and I gave
it to them. I acted the role so well, encouraged their petty lies
and rumors about me, let them drag me down to their level. Worse, I
brought Hikaru into this, and got her into more trouble than any of
us deserved.
No more.
I am Ayukawa Madoka. My name is not 'Pick', or 'Delinquent'. I am
better than these people - I prove it every time exams come, and
every time I have to stand by what I believe. I don't have to play
their games. In the end, the lies leave everyone hurt. But I know
the truth... or, at least, a truth.
My thoughts turn to him, and the music changes. What is it about
you, Kasuga-kun? There's some sort of magic around you, something
that makes me trust you even as every instinct screams for me to run.
I... when I look into your eyes, I can see the loneliness, the
infinite secrets I share... but it doesn't bother you. You
understand, you share, but you do not suffer.
And I both love and hate you for it. I want that peace so badly I
can taste it. Can you know what a total lack of love is like? The
vacuum that comes with knowing that the only person you can depend on
is yourself? If truth be known, I am tired, more tired than I can
ever admit, and I would love someplace safe to relax. Normally, the
saxophone is my only comfort; now I feel another in your presence.
And that, knowing there is someplace for me to run, is more
frightening than anything I have ever known.
My mourning song stops, and I look at the dark water of Tokyo Bay.
It is pretty at this time of night, if dangerous; the lights of the
city reflect on the surface, creating stars below as well as above.
It's a melancholy place... which is perhaps why I love it so much.
This has been my only comfort for so long that I'm afraid to leave.
An idea strikes me, and I put the saxophone to my lips once more.
It's a different song, one learned and dreamed of by every beginner
on the sax... but rarely played with soul. The faint tugs of a smile
cross my lips as I begin the schmaltzy tune.
I'm not mourning anymore - not tonight, anyway. I've got too many
dreams to take care of - and I'll be DAMNED if I let anything, any
lies or foolishness or cowardice, stand in my way.
Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow, I'll tell him. And then... who
knows? I stop for a moment to pick up my case, then continue
playing. It's a pretty night; there are others around, and I'm sure
they'll appreciate the music.
And, hopefully, Kasuga Kyosuke will appreciate my music tomorrow.
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Thanks to Ed and Kat... for talking me through it.
Nicholas Leifker
nightelf@thekeep.org
http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic/index.html
January 20, 1999