Well I like this fic, the idea is not that new but something that's 
fresh. And one that I'd like seen continued. A few comments though...

~ Kahlil N.

Okay this is my first fanficand first posting on ffml  I mean really it
is, if you don't
believe me then don't but it is.

Ok I believe you.

    This is a very,VERYYYYY rough draft.  I just finished it about an
hour ago. I
have not read through it completely and have only spell checked it so
there are a lot
of grammer fixing. I want C&C on what you like and dislike about the
story, whether
characters, dialogue, thoughts, action, whatever just give it  to me.

For a one hour first fic it isn't so bad. 

RanmaRanko

Far away yet very close

Very appropriate title, nice.

In Furinken high, in the hall we see Ranma holding two bucket looking
down

It might be best if you started this with Ranko's POV, rather than tell 
us yourself. Ranko might begin describing the hall, Ranma's posture and 
his feelings and so on...  

i.e

The halls of Furinkan, so quiet it unnerves me, standing here beside 
Ranma. Both of alone,  its lonely sometimes... 

    He alone, very lonely I wish I could show myself but I cant. My
name is Ranko, the spirit of Ranma curse form. No Im not the demon,
that was someone else and I not a curse anyway, funny Ranma never 

called

me a curse anymore when he turn to a girl. Im standing by his side but
he cant see me.

A suggestion though, you might want to leave revealing who's talking 
somewhere in the middle, after her short narrative of the place and 
all...
It's a much stronger hook in keeping your reader's attention, making 
them a little curious who exactly might be speaking and all...IMHO

   I move to him and stand beside him. I remember all those day when

You might want to begin her already standing beside him. 

The rest of the fic, you might also want to check your tenses and 
punctuation as well as grammar. 

Ranma first arrive and boy did he have his life turn upside down, ever

You might want to keep Ranko to speak a little bit more formal than 
that, since she is the girl that drowned in the spring 1500 year ago. 

i.e

Standing here beside him, I remember the first time he walked throught 
these halls...He'd been beat so many times, his heart broken in so many 
pieces, that I too grieved beside him when he lost his heart, he'd lost 
it so many times before...as I did mine, for him...

since he step on Nerima soil he been beated, hurt, sky rocker into the
air. I have to heal him ever time he go flying, that why he heal every
fast, thank to me. Their this one time where he fell and hit his head,
by Akane of coures for some misunderstanding, he fell and hit his head
and was dieing, I was scare out of my spirit skin the only way to save
him was to take over his body and let the body heal or it die and so
will Ranma.I was happy to live again but I know it was only for awhile
befor he to heal, I tell myself he going to be alright.

A space after each paragraph makes it easier to read.

    Every night I would lay by his side and watch him sleep, I was
happy even if he cant see me, I just want to be close to someone I 

care

about.

i.e

Each night I would lay down beside him and watch him sleep, I was happy 
just being with him, even though he could not see me, it made me feel 
happy just to be close to someone I cared about. And I knew he did too 
for me...  

   In Furiken high, in the hall we see Ranma holding two bucket 

looking

down.

This has been established in the beginning, no need to repaet this, you 
can begin Ranma's narrative like so...

i.e

***

Furinkan hall... 

I know she's right here beside me, Ranma thought as he stared longingly 
at the window and at the view outside. He sighed.  

She here, beside me,
Ranma look at the window.
    Even if I cant see her I could feel her present I wonder what she

Even if I can't see her, I could feel her presence; and it makes me 
wonder what she's doing, what she sees, is she lookingat me, I mean 
really looking at me? I don't know, but it does feel nice having someone 
care. I don't feel lonely anymore, just knowing she's right here beside 
me... 

doing, is she looking at me, I dont know but it feel nice to have
someone. I was always alone, yeah people would said why would I be 

alone

when I have so many people that know me, yeah right attacking me is a
friend, force marrying me is a friend and malleting me is a friend but
somehow I dont have to be alone because there someone that will always
be by my side and even now when no one would believe me I know she
would. I first notice her when Akane finally lost it, I hit the ground,
head first, I  could feel myself slipping away, but somehow I ending in
a empty space with some tree I discover I was inside my head, there I
notice her then a flash, I became mad that someone was going to take
over my body but I soon discover that she wasnt, I guess I needed that
recovery or who know what would have happen.

Make Ranma's memory a bit vague at this point, and describe him seeing 
Ranko looking away as Ranma stood underneath that tree, describe how the 
scene looks, falling leaves, wind, make the scen warm and light surreal 
if possible. 

    When I asleep everynight I could feel her present, I dont have to
see her to know she here. If I listen carefully I could heard her soft
voice talking or singing to me.

Every night when I sleep,  I feel her present. I don't even have to see 
her to know that she's there, beside me. And if I listen carefully, I 
could hear her soft voice, talking, even singing... 

    Is it so wrong to care for somebody who is so far away yet so
close.

I wonder if it's wrong to care for some one who's so far away and 
yet...so close...

Maybe someday We will meet.

Maybe someday, we'll meet...

Someday...

End

Nice fic...

Will that it.
I know it not the kind of story you people read, but sent comment. The
truth I want real answer.

RanmaRanko^_^

Hope this is real enough for you ^_^

Again, watch out for your tenses and If you're going to write this in 
1st person, please stick to it. And I like how this fic might go. 
Anyway, keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
~ Kahlil N.



______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com