PandaTek@aol.com wrote:

	A small group of girls, sat around Mina and who had listened to her story,
sighed with awe.

Eep. Sentence structure is way messed up there. Evidently you mean
something like:

A small group of girls sitting around Mina, having listened to her
story, sighed with awe.

Or

A small group of girls sat around Mina; after listening to her story,
they sighed with awe.

	"It's so great having a boyfriend�" Sakura laughed. "They are always there to
comfort you whenever you need."

Add "it" after "need"

	Ukyo placed the can of coke on the table. She studied the little bodies of
water that cling to the can, as she absorbed everything the girls were talking

clung

about. She looked up for a moment. She usually didn't hang out with these
girls. She usually sits by herself for lunch. 

usually sat by

Female company usually is not

usually was not

her choice, due to the fact that she was raised in an all boy's school. She

that she had been raised in an all boys school.

studied the chattering girls who sat near hear. She looked at the head girl,

Take out "hear"

Mina, and wondered how a girl that bubbly could get a guy. She studied her
with green eyes.

This is meant figuratively, I take it?

BTW, you're using way too many "She did this" type sentences. Try for a
little more variety in the narrative.

The uniforms didn't do much for fashion, which is probably

which was probably

the main purpose, but she doubted that Mina wore that dress outside of school.
Ukyo began to study Mina.

I thought she'd already been studying her three sentences ago?

Her face was homely. It had the stereotypical flat-
nose round square face.

Her face had a face? Might want to reword that.

She spoke with thin lips and a square jaw to hold it.

hold them.

Her eyebrows where obviously plucked thin to the point it looked like she was
drawing with no eyebrows at all and to draw it on herself with a pen.

I don't even know what you meant to say here.

Under
those very thin lines called her eyebrow,

eyebrows (there's two of 'em)

resided two crescent mooned shaped

moon-shaped

eyes. Ukyo noticed that when Mina laughed, her eyes almost looked shut and
began to wonder if she can see when she laughs. Ukyo giggled at the thought. 

she could see when she laughed.

Ukyo felt her face as she had studied the Mina. Her skin was pale as peach and

Take out "the"; and how can she be aware of her skin color just by
touching herself?

Ukyo blinked for a moment. What was she doing? She shook her head as if trying
to knock those alien thoughts out of her head. Why was she comparing that girl
and herself? She was disgusted that she even thought those thoughts. Nit
picking at a girl's features and analyzing them was so not her, and so�

"Nitpicking" is one word.

feminine.
Ukyo paused at the thought of the word. "Feminine�" she tested the word, as if

Capitalize "She"

hearing it for the first time and trying to pronounce it. She grabbed the can
of soda and looked at it, as if were going to answer her questions She had

"ANSWER UNCLEAR; ASK AGAIN LATER." (You need a period after questions,
BTW.)

usually been in between feminine and tomboyish. 
"Hey, that guy over there is kind of cute," one girl said to Sakura.
"He's too beautiful to be a guy," another had said.

Take out "had"; that kind of tense is used to indicate that it took
place *before* the current point in narrative.

"Perhaps he's a bishounen," a third chick added.
"Gay or a pretty boy?" the fourth girl asked.
Mina and Sakura looked at the subject in question and blinked. "That's Ukyo,"
they both said.
"Ukyo? That's a cute name," Chika number three squealed. 

It would help to refer to them by descriptions, if Ukyo doesn't know
their names; e.g. the girl in the blue shirt. Also, try to keep the
language consistent with Ukyo's point of view. Ranma might use the word
"chick," but I doubt Ukyo would.

"No, Ukyo is a girl," Sakura said. She was in my gym class.

Need quotes around that last bit.

	"But Ukyo is a guy's name. That's strange to give a girl a male name," Girl
number two informed.
	The fourth girl's eyes opened wide. "That's so cool." She exclaimed. 

cool," she

	The girls turned their attention to the fourth young lady. "That's, like, the
hottest craze in America," she said.
	Mina looked at Ukyo. Ukyo realized that she was staring right at the group.
Before she knew it, their eyes were all fixated on her. She snapped her
attention straight back to her soda. She began to wish she brought more to

wish she'd brought

eat. For a cook, she was pretty unprepared for lunch.
	Mina went back to talking to her group. Ukyo tried not to pay any attention
to them. Suddenly, she realized that Mina was by her desk. "Would you care to
join us for lunch and some chit chat?" Mina asked.
	Ukyo was shocked. She studied Mina's face again, this time looking for deeper
means. She only found kindness. She nodded her head shyly. She wasn't used to

meanings.

dealing with other girls. She scooted her desk over join the others. Sakura
and girl number four parted to let her in. 

	The final bell rang. Weary students who lacked the energy for school was

were

revitalized with thoughts of a free afternoon. Today was a Saturday and many
students decided they need a break from all the books, so it was time to
party. Ukyo had clean up duty, so she had to stay behind a little while. She
looked out the window to see happy students leaving the campus in pairs. She
sighed. Having clean up duty on a Saturday really bites. 

bit.

	As she swept the floor, her mind began to wonder back to the conversation she

wander

had during lunch. 

had had during

	
	"I'm Arisa," the first girl said.
	"I'm Eiko," the second girl said.
	"Hi, my name's Fei," the third girl smiled.

Fei." The

	"Watashi no namie wa Megumi desu" the fourth girl said.

Ack! Any reason this can't be dubbed into English?

	Ukyo wondered if she would remember those names. Being introduced to a group
of people is always a hassle, she thought. They had an easier time, all they

time. All

	The girls took out their lunchboxes and offered their leftovers to Ukyo. Ukyo
paused a bit. These girls are being fairly kind to her, and a few minutes ago

girls were being

she was judging them. Her feeling of being ashamed seemed to multiply. 

Simpler to say "feelings of shame"

	
	Ukyo finished up sweeping the room. She placed all the chairs and tables back
in their original position. She looked at the clock. It was now six and the
sky had gotten a bit dark. Lost time, lost money, she thought. Having a job
had caused her to learn how to manage her time the best she could. She knew
today, she wasn't going to make any money.  

Take out comma after today.

	Her walk home was accompanied by many thoughts. Her mind kept running back to
the conversations with those girls during lunch. They were mostly talking
about guys, fashion, and whatever buzz was going around at the time. She

Fortunately, Ukyo just says no to drugs....

stopped walking for a moment. She walked to a window to study her own
reflection. She had been wearing a boy's uniform since she came to Furinkan
Highschool. She remembered how Ranma had mistaken her for a boy. What if she

high school (2 words)

had arrived in a girl's uniform.

Question mark.

Would he have been attracted to her? He had

He was busy dodging spatula strikes! I kinda doubt it.

called her 'The Cute Fianc�e'. What if she acted a bit more like she was
supposed to. 

Question mark.

	"What if I acted a bit more feminine," she whispered. 

feminine?" she

	"Feminine�"

"Yeah! What if I snuggled up to Ranma, and wore a slinky Chinese dress,
and talked in pidgin-speech? I bet nobody's tried THAT!"

she pronounced the word again. 

Capitalize "She"

	Sunday flew by pretty fast and before the students of Furinkan High knew it,
another dreary school week had begun, a week of books, studying, and agony.
To most students, it would be a usually week, but for Ukyo, it was a new

usual

beginning. As she walked through the gates and into campus, she felt almost
every eye upon her. 
	Her hair was no longer long,

Um... might want to re-word that.

but neatly cut short. It hung a little above
shoulder length, and swayed side from side as she walked. A gentle breeze blew
and Ukyo's hair was lifted, then fell back into place as soon as the wind
stopped pulling. Her dark red lips stood out in comparison to her peach tone

toned

skin; and a little hint eye shadow highlighted the beauty in her eyes. 

hint of eye

	The most impressive change though, was the fact she was wearing a female
uniform instead of the male uniform. She tried to walk a bit normally as she
used to, but found difficulty walking in a skirt. How she yearned to be in
pants. 
	As soon as she entered the courtyard, every guy had his sites fixated on the

sights

Ukyo flux, 

"flux" ????

but she had her sites on Ranma. She took a deep breath. This time,

sights (and try not to repeat words if you can help it)

she wasn't going to pussy foot around the bushes.

I believe "pussyfoot" is one word.

She sprinted to Ranma. Ranma
was walking with Akane, and Ukyo popped up in between the two. 
	"Hiya Ran-chan�" Ukyo said, trying to mimic a Shampoo like voice. 

Shampoo-like

	"Who are you?" Akane growled as she was slightly pushed to the side and away

>from Ranma. 

	Ranma turned to see who had forced her way in between him and Akane. 
	"Uk-chan?" Ranma stuttered the name.  "Is that you?"
	"Ukyo?" Akane muttered. Her anger was replaced with surprise.

Why was she angry?

	"Ranma, we'll be late for class," Ukyo slipped her arm around Ranma's and

class."

dashed off with Ranma stumbling after. 
	Akane stared at the two in shock. It hit her hard when she came to
realization of what had just happened.  

We've slipped out of Ukyo's POV here....

	Her anger soon resurfaced but she couldn't do anything about it. She shook
her head and hurried to class. 

	Not a cloud in the sky yet a young boy walked through the streets of Nerima

Need a verb. (e.g. Not a cloud was in the sky)

carrying umbrella. He looked as if he had just returned from a long camping

an umbrella.

trip.

Who's looking? If this is Ryoga's POV, he probably shouldn't describe
himself unless he's seeing himself in a mirror or something like that.

	The roads were empty except for a few old folks. Judging by the looks of
things, Ryouga figured that it was probably a school day and that the time was
somewhere between seven and four. He wondered a little up the street into the

wandered

shopping area. The adults looked at him as if he was a delinquent skipping

he were a

school. Perhaps they thought of him as a thug or a mobster. Ryouga sighed

Put a comma after "sighed"

wishing that that he could go to school. He happened to pass a familiar shop.
He read the hiragana that was written above the door. 
	"Ucchan's" Ryouga said with a smile. 

"Ucchan's,"

	He was in the one place where he felt truly at home. He was in Akane's

No Akari in this fic, I take it... *grumble*

hometown. Knowing this, he relaxed. Perhaps he should run to the school and
try to greet her. He took one step then stopped. 
	"Maybe not," he said. He didn't want to get lost and end up going away from
Nerima. He sighed. Besides, he was getting a bit hungry. He decided to wait
till Ukyo got back and he could have a little something to eat. 
	A considerable amount of time had passed. It had been at least thirty minutes
since the first wave of student walked by. Little drizzle of students that had

students had walked by. The little

left school late was now walking the street. Ryouga sighed. The hunger pains
were now immense.  
	"Where the hell is Ukyo?" Ryouga muttered. 
	A small line of hungry students had started a line behind Ryouga and all had
the same thought in their heads. Where the hell is she?

was she?

	After about what seemed to be an hour, students began to try else where for

After what seemed to be about an (and "elsewhere" is one word)

food. Ryouga didn't dare leave the place; he was afraid he would end up in
another town. He was hoping that Ukyo would show up and take him to the Tendo
Dojo. Soon, he found himself alone in front of the neglected restaurant. A low
grumbling sound emitted from his stomach and he sighed. The pain was getting
worse.
	No more students where walking home. The streets were deserted again. The

students were walking

only ones passing by adults that were doing shopping and non-uniformed teens
running errands. Ryouga spotted Akane among the groups of shoppers. 
	He ran to her. "Akane�" he yelled out. He was filled with joy to see her. 

If it's a yell, shouldn't it be "Akane!" ?

Akane turned around hearing the sound of her name. She looked at him. He could

around, hearing

see feelings of anger in her face. He cut his run a few feet in front of her. 
"Is something wrong?" Ryouga asked.
"That jerk Ranma�" she started.

We've lost paragraph indentation....

"What has that idiot done now?" Ryouga clenched his fist. He was ready to run
of and try to find the fiend that had upset Akane. But a second notion popped

off

up in his head. He had to comfort Akane first. "Do you care to talk about it?"

Akane and Ryouga talked over a small meal at a nearby Vietnamese restaurant.
Ryouga put down the chopsticks. He just finished his second bowl of phong
noodle. He felt a little better, hunger wise, but his mind was at trouble. 

was troubled.

He wasn't what she was looking for. She loved him. It was obvious, even though
she had never openly said it. Her actions had explained all. Akane was worried
for the first time that Ranma might actually be taken away from her. Even
though they were not an official couple, even though that the whole thing was
their parent's idea, she had loved him deep down, but failed to admit it,
maybe even to herself. 

True enough, but I really can't see pre-Akari Ryoga coming to this
conclusion for no real reason. This seems very OOC to me. Maybe some
extraordinary circumstances could force him to come to these
conclusions, but I don't see that here.

Ryouga saw all this from the story she had just told him. Why hadn't he
understood this before.

Question mark. And the real puzzle here is why he DOES understand it
NOW.

The perfect chance to steal Akane away from Ranma and
he fails to take it.

failed

Ryouga looked at the bowl, which only the soup remained.

bowl, in which

He dipped one of the chopsticks and swirled the soup around. He, then, placed

You don't need either of the commas.

it in his mouth. 

"it" should be "them" if it refers to the chopsticks.

He didn't want to be happy if she wasn't happy. Ryouga tasted a hint of the
soup on the chopsticks. It wasn't his happiness, he thought, which was more
important. He looked at Akane. She was deep in thought. She had told him
everything of what had happen. Even though she hadn't confessed her feelings,

happened.

actions had spoke louder then words today. 

What actions? My suspension of disbelief meter is going into the red
zone here.

"Akane," he said. "It's obvious you are worried and a little jealous�"
Akane looked at him, "JEALOUS?" her voice was a tad bit higher then it should
have been. A few people that were in the store gave a casual glance to see
what the commotion was about.
"Why would I be jealous of him?" She looked as if she was about to scream"

Take out the last " and replace with a period.

"Akane, lower your voice," Ryouga was noticed that a few people decided to

Take out "was"; and I can't see Ryoga giving orders to Akane like this.

turn their attentions to them.
"If he wants to run off with Ukyo, then the two could go out for all I care,"

care."

She looked very pissed.  
	Ryouga looked her deep in the eyes, "If you couldn't care less, why are you

eyes."

making a fit of it right now?" 
	"Uh," Akane seemed to be stumped on that last remark.

Uh."

	   Ryouga took a deep breath, which would probably classify as a sigh. "It
seems to me that you love him."

"Yeah, well, it seems to me that you're OOC."

	"I do not," Akane protested, as if it was a conditioned reflex. 
	Ryouga was having a bit of trouble continuing. He didn't want to give her up
to Ranma, his rival. But she was in love with him. He wanted his happiness, he
wanted her, but what people need and want are two different things. He needed
her to be happy. 
	"Yes you do," Ryouga calmly stated, looking away from her face.
	"Ryouga�" 
	"I'm sure Ranma is very much in love with you," Ryouga felt as if he was

you."

going to start crying. 
	"Does� does he?" Akane stuttered.

Question should be IS he.

	"I'm very sure of it," Ryouga risked the chance to look in her eyes, to show

it."

that he was dead serious.
"He doesn't act like it, running off with Ukyo after class like that," She

"She" should not be capitalized.

coldly stated.
	"I'm sure he does. Ukyo and Ranma had been friends since childhood. I'm sure
that if you two were meant to be, you needn't worry," Ryouga was now

worry."

struggling to stop the tears. Each word he said, it stabbed him hard. 
	"I just don't what to do Ryouga,"

Insert a "know" after "don't," and it should be a period instead of the
comma.

Akane turned her sights to the table she
was sitting at. 
	Ryouga spied a trickle of a tear run down her check. 

running

	Akane nodded. "Thank you Ryouga, you're one of my best friends." Akane got up
and placed a few yen on the table.  "This meal is on my Ryouga"

on me, Ryouga."

	Ryouga pushed the money back to her, "I'll take care of it."

Period after her, not a comma.

	"This is on me, Akane," he muttered to himself.

But now he has HER money, so she's no better off....

	As the waiter picked up the tab, Ryouga thought about what had happened. He
released the waterworks, and the tears began to run freely down his cheeks.
	"I'm just a friend," he said. The waiter looked at Ryouga, as if she thought
he was talking to her. He looked at the waiter. "It's better to be a friend
then nothing, right?" 

If it's a her, it should probably be "waitress" rather than "waiter".

	

	Akane arrived home. She was at the gates of the Tendo residents. She saw Ukyo

residence. ("residents" refers to the people who live there)

and Ranma at the front door, just sitting there. She leaned behind the wall,
eavesdropping.
	"Ranma, you know how I feel," Ukyo told him, "yet, I'm clueless how you feel
about me."

Oh, *now* you realize it....

	Ranma sat down on the front porch. Ukyo was already sitting down, so Ranma
sat next to her.
	"Ukyo, you're very beautiful," Ranma started, "but this isn't you."

And this isn't you, Ranma. I can't imagine him giving a compliment like
this without some ulterior motive.

	Ukyo stared at him, not knowing what to think. She had dragged him to all the
local hangouts that her new friends had called romantic dating placed. All

places.

those advises that where giving to her, where not working. She noticed that

All that advice that was given to her was not working. (Advice is a
collective noun.)

his mind had seemed to be elsewhere, but had ignored that fact, but now she
seems to know where it had gone. He was thinking about how much she had

seemed

changed. Was this good or bad, she wondered? 
	"What do you mean Ranma" Ukyo asked with uncertainty.

mean, Ranma?"

	Ranma turned to Ukyo. "My feelings towards you are those of best friends," he
said.

Okay... ignoring the "Is she really his best friend" debate... first of
all, I doubt that Ranma is that cognizant of his personal relationships.
Secondly, even if he did THINK this, he wouldn't *say* it; he's too
afraid of breaking this poor girl's heart. (Or he's afraid that she'll
pound the crap out of him. Either way.)

I understand what you're trying to do here -- show that Ukyo's new look
doesn't make Ranma any more interested in her. But there's better ways
of doing that than having Ranma just come out and say so. You could show
her making moves on Ranma, and show Ranma as being completely
disinterested in her.

	"Just friends," Ukyo muttered.
	Ukyo got up. "I think I understand Ranma," she turned and walked away from

understand, Ranma."

the Tendo's house. 

Tendos' (there's more than one)

	Ukyo turned to look at Ranma one last time. As she walked out, she exchanged
looks with Akane. 
	"Take care of him Akane," Ukyo said.

him, Akane,"

	Ranma turned around and opened the door. "Let's go inside Akane, it's getting

"You want to go inside ME?!? YOU PERVERT!" **BAM**

(You need a comma after "inside".)

	Prologue

You mean "Epilogue." A prologue comes at the beginning.

	A quite Tuesday afternoon, Ukyo's restaurant was partially filled with

quiet. And you need to reword this, because as written it says that
Ukyo's restaurant is an afternoon.

students. The door opened and Ryouga walked inside. He was a bit famished. He
spent the whole day trying to exit Nerima but to his surprise, ended up going
in circles. 

The author kept sending him back. "You're here to do an Ukyo/Ryoga
matchup fic, pal!"

	"I heard about what happened yesterday Ukyo," Ryouga said.

yesterday, Ukyo,"

	"You had your chance to steal away Akane," Ukyo said.
	"We're just friends," Ryouga said. 
	Ukyo put down her spatula for a second. "Friends," she muttered. 
	"You're new hairstyle is cute," Ryouga said.

your

	Ukyo fluffed her hair. "I want it long again."
	"Perhaps it's time for change?" Ryouga said, leaning over the counter.

"Sorry. No change unless you buy something."

	"It's hot," Ukyo pointed with her spatula.

hot."

	"I know," Ryouga calmly removed his elbows from the burning counter. 

know."

	"You hide pain well," Ukyo pointed out.

well."

	Ryouga smiled. "I just want her to be happy," he said.
	Ukyo gave Ryouga a glare. "You're weird."
	"Perhaps," he said, "but it's better to be friends then nothing at all." 
	"Well, I'm just here to ask for directions out of Nerima," Ryouga said.
	"Leaving again?" Ukyo asked.
	"I have no reason to stay here," Ryouga said. "I decided to drop my grudge
against Ranma."

Just like that, huh?

Okay... overall comments: I think there was a pretty good idea here;
Ukyo trying to change her image, and finding out that it doesn't make
Ranma any more interested in her. That by itself could've made for a
very good fic. But this one, unfortunately, tries to do way too much.
Resolving the relationships is possible, but it should take some really
unusual circumstances for it to be believable. And you don't NEED to
resolve everything (or even anything) to have a good fic.

My suggestions: Delve deeper into Ukyo's character. Show us in more
detail what she's thinking and feeling during every part of this story.
As for Ryoga, he seems to me completely superfluous. My advice is to
write him out. Ukyo doesn't *need* him as a consolation prize; it's
enough that she learns something and grows as a character.


Gary