Once upon a time, there was a fanfic author.
He READ a lot more stories than he actually WROTE, though.
So, instead of geting a little work ethic, he got lazy and decided to
take the easy way out, and rag on others works instead.
So he recruited a couple of fictional charchters, snagged a movie
theatre, and grabbed some munchies.
And thus was born.......
LST1/2K: Lunatic Science Theatre 500.
Starring, in no particular order:
Mercutio: Stick-boy #1.
Hikaru Gosunkugi: Stick-boy #2.
Mackie Stingray: <inset your own pervert joke HERE.>
-Begin LST1/2K-
6:21pm NY 8:21am Tokyo (next day)
Mackie: What does New York time have to do with
anything? Aren't they in Gotham?
Mercutio: Don't you know anything about the DCU? Gotham
represents a metaphor for New York City.
Hikaru: I thought Metropolis was a metaphor for New York
City.
Mercutio: It is. So is Opal City, and Gateway City, and Coast
City- well, not so much Coast City anymore- and Star City, and
Keystone City..... all urban areas in comics are basically NYC
with a different name.
Bubblegum Crisis
Batman: The Animated Series
Mackie: Say, should I be here? Isn't it unusual for a character to
MST a series he's part of?
Mercutio: Don't worry. Rod purposefully wrote you out of this one.
You're doing the 'School in Germany' bit.
S M I L E
Hikaru: For the camera!!!
A tale of knights, past and present.
Mackie: Well, that's a cop-out. It's exactly what happened to me in
'Crash.' I thought Rod was ignoring the Crash continuity.
Mercutio: Oh, he is. He just has you going to school in Germany,
and a big fight sequnce inside Geo City, and Priss carrying the
exact same kind of weapon, and the Knight Sabers fighting an
upgraded Largo-type body. Other than that, he ignores Crash
completely.
----------------------------
Part 3: The Play's The Thing
----------------------------
Mercutio: To catch the conscience of the King!!!!!
[MegaTokyo Bay, 7:12 am]
Ken was a fisherman. He was a fisherman from a long line of
fishermen. He'd seen a great many things in his life, and
heard a great many tales.
Mackie: Yeah, like the time he almost caught a fish thiiisssss big.
As he stood on the deck of his fishing boat, staring at the
morning's catch, he had to admit, he'd never heard or seen
-anything- like this.
He frowned at the fish.
They smiled back at him.
Hikaru (singing) : o/ They're finny and funny o/
o/ and oh-so-delish o/
o/ they're smilng and happy o/
o/ JO-ker fish!!!! o/
Mercutio (clapping): Bravo, Harley.
[Captain G's Restaurant, MegaTokyo. 7:30 am]
Mackie: Captain G: Long John Silvers illegitimate son.
//Fishermen this morning were greeted to a bizzare sight
this morning: smiling fish. MegaTokyo bay is filled today
with smiling fish, artificially altered. It is unknown at
this time who is responsible, but several terrorist groups
have claimed responsibility.//
The screen lingered on a single grinning fish for a moment,
then switched to a commercial break.
Mercutio: "And now, a word from our sponses, Tokizawa
Fisheries!"
Linna looked down at her plate. "Ugh, there goes my
appetite."
"Hey, I'll take it," said Nene.
Priss shot Linna an annoyed look. "Jeez, so squeamish.
S'probably just nature re-adjusting to life."
Mackie: Like when rats grew wings and evolved into pigeons to
cope with urban sprawl. Same thing.
"You know how much crap Genom is dumping into the bay? I
mean, with all those chemicals, SOMETHING was gonna happen
to the fish."
"But smiling fish?" asked Nene.
"Eh, probably some weird chemical weapon they're testing
out. They test out combat boomers in the city all the damn
time, why not poisons?"
Mercutio: Ah-ha, you see? They're not smiling because they're
Joker fish... they're just high!!!
"Hey Linna, can you give me a ride tonight?" asked Priss.
"What? What happened to your bike?"
Mercutio (as Priss): "My sex life is none of your business!"
"Got towed," grumbled Priss. "Gotta go pick it up from the
impound."
Linna grinned. "Sorry, busy tonight."
"With what?" asked Priss suspiciously.
Mackie (as Linna): "I have to binge, then purge, then binge,
then purge AGAIN....."
"Date!" said Linna cheerily.
Nene rolled her eyes, which didn't escape Linna's notice.
"You're just envious," said Linna.
"What're you guys talking about?" asked Priss.
"I've got a date with a cop tonight," said Linna. "Nene's
just upset she didn't get first shot at him."
Hikaru: Yes, but she'll be rectifying that tommorrow on the
firing range.
"I saw him first!" whined Nene.
Mackie: Saw, concussed..... same difference.
Linna raised an eyebrow. "You would've had a better chance
if you didn't hit him with the car door."
Nene cringed as Priss grinned. "You hit him with the car
door?"
Mackie: Hey, you never know. Some cops like it rough.
Nene nodded meekly.
Priss broke out in laughter, resting her head on the table.
"You musta nearly taken his head off!"
"He's still got a bruise on his forehead," added Linna.
"Oh yeah, classic Nene!"
"You meanies!"
Their conversation was interrupted when Nene was suddenly
struck in the face with a pie.
Mackie: You know I've often wondered what Nene would look like
wearing whipped cream..... somehow, this wasn't it.
-SPLAT-
"WAH!"
"What the hell?!" yelled Priss. "Hey, who's the w- YOW!"
She ducked just in time as another pie flew by. "Hey!"
//Hahahahah-hahahaha-hahahahah...//
From the counter, a continuous droning laugh came from a
waitress boomer while it while it flung food from the
kitchen to anyone it could see.
Mercutio: Isn't technology wonderful?
The three took cover under the table while food flew
rapidly in the air above them.
"A boomer food fight. Great," grumbled Priss.
"Got your cannon?" asked Linna.
At a speed that surprised Linna and Nene, Priss pulled out
three parts and assembled what looked like a small cannon.
Mercutio: Time to get medieval on it's ass!
//...hahaha-hahaha-hahaha-//
-BLAM-
//*zzt*haha//
-BLAM-
//*zzt*hisssss*//
"You always carry that thing around?" asked Linna, pointing
to Priss' gun.
Mackie: Well, it IS MegaTokyo. You could carry a bazooka around
and still be underarmed.
As quickly as she assembled it, Priss took the gun apart and
tucked its parts into various pockets in her jacket.
"Gun? What gun?" she asked innocently. "Guns are illegal,
y'know." She paused, then looked around. "Hey, there
weren't any security cameras pointed this way, were there?"
Hikaru: No,but the twenty other eyewitness diners could present
a problem. You'd better kill them all, just to be on the safe side.
;)
[Somewhere in Gotham]
A pair of eyes looked grimly at a computer monitor, staring
at what was sure to be the renewal of a cycle believed dead
decades ago.
Mercutio: Ah, disco is making another comeback.
She sighed and brushed her red hair from her eyes. They
hadn't thought about this for the longest time, and she sure
what to do now.
One of them was in town. One of his chosen heirs. The one
with a mercenary reputation.
Mackie: Gee, a mercenary having a mercenary reputation. THAT'S
unusual.
The one that had been hacking into flagged files.
'Hon?' she called out.
'Yeah?'
'I think you should see this.'
'See what?'
'Someone from the Curran Project.'
There was a brief, somewhat dramatic pause.
Mercutio: There was a brief, somewhat dramatic chord of
organ music struck.
'Which one?'
The screen flickered for a moment.
'Stingray... Knight Sabers... hrm.'
'What are you going to do?'
'What Bruce wanted me to do, though I pray this doesn't blow
up in our faces.'
:)
[Somewhere in MegaTokyo]
The fish... was good.
Mercutio: Finger-lickin good!
It felt good. Yes it did.
Left'em smiling, literally.
Aheh.
Hikaru: You call that a maniacal laugh? You should
be ashamed to call yourself the Joker.
It was a nice opening line, yes, but the show was still on.
The next gag should be a sweet one, something to define the
rest of the show.
Mackie: I know!! He's going to TP all of MegaTokyo!!!!
Mercutio: Mmmmmm.... no.
The virus was also nice. That one would be lingering for a
long time to come, definitely. But it still wasn't enough.
It wasn't... _loud_ enough.
Mackie: I know!!! He's going to get twenty thousand whoopee
cushions and set them off simultaneously!!!!
Mercutio: Once again..... no.
He looked for inspiration at the place where he knew it
best: the media.
Mercutio: What your parents say is true, kids...... television WILL
be the death of you!!!
In the empty warehouse where he had chosen to reside until
more luxuriant accomodations became available, the Joker
briefly inspected a wall socket. It held a dusty and long
unused network port.
It was, however, still usable.
He reached forward and plugged into the world...
Hikaru: Reach out and touch someone..... and kill them.
JT&T, for all your telecomurder needs.
"Oooh. Perfect."
.. and found himself a good punchline.
:)
[Genom Tower, Megakyo. 5:30 pm]
//We have a survivor, ma'am.//
Hikaru (as anonymous voice): "Three lab rats were found alive and
well in the subbasement. We're currently debriefing them."
Madigan raised an eyebrow and leaned towards her vidphone.
"Who and how?"
//Dr. Nikolai Vess. He dove into a vault before the
explosion hit.//
"Condition?"
Mackie (as anoymous voice): "Preliminary analysis would indicate
that he's been, to use the technical term, blowed' up reaaallllllll good."
//He's got internal bleeding and lots of broken bones. A
report should be in your e-mail.//
"Good."
//He seems to be rambling something about the S.M.I.L.E.
project... something called Momus.//
"He's still at the hospital?"
Mercutio (as anonymous voice): "No, actually, Genom HMO decided
that being a victim of a heinous industrial accident wasn't enough to
justify the expense, so we gave him a couple aspirin and sent him
home."
//Yes ma'am.//
Madigan nodded. "Put him under surveilence."
Mackie (as Madigan): "Unless he's wearing one of those
godawful backless hospital gowns; I don't wanna see THAT."
[MegaTokyo Grand Opera, 8:00 pm]
"You know, I didn't think police were the kind to enjoy
operas," Linna teased Toshi.
"Mom was a big opera fan, I guess I caught it from her," he
replied sheepishly.
She patted him on the arm. "Well I think it's nice. So,
how was your day?"
Hikaru (as Toshi): "Pretty much normal. Wake up, shave,
go to work, get shot at, blow away some street trash.....
y'know, the usual."
"Weird."
"Weird?"
"Yeah. You see that news story this morning about all the
smiling fish?"
Linna nodded.
"After a little research, we figured out that whatever did
that to the fish was coming from a Genom Chemicals plant by
the bay."
This surprised Linna. Testing boomers on the urban populace
was something Genom had done before. Sending out rough beta
versions of software that would require patches and upgrades
for years to come was also another nasty trick they did.
Mercutio: So the rumors are true..... Chairman Quincy IS
Bill Gates.
Poisoning the bay was a bit nastier than the usual.
"Genom did it?" she asked.
Mercutio (as Toshi): "Well, there are also all those incredibly
well-documented casefiles about the exact same thing happenning
in Gotham about thirty-five years ago, but we've decided to dismiss
those as a coincidence."
"Not sure."
"Not sure?"
"A security team blocked us from looking in. We didn't see
inside, but we did see them hauling off a lot of body bags."
"Oh."
"Rumor is someone out there is playing hardball with Genom."
Mercutio: And of course you know, all good policemen obtain
their leads from purely unsubstantiated street rumors.
"Oh. Wow." Linna was impressed "Who'd do that?"
"Well... a few think the Knight Sabers would."
Mackie: Sure, blaaaaaaaaammmmeeeeee the vigilantes.
What the heck, we're convenient targets.
"They wouldn't do that! Er, I mean, that doesn't seem like
them."
"No, it doesn't. I dunno. Maybe it's one of Genom's
competitors getting serious. Oh, hey, show's starting."
The two settled in as the overture began to play, soaking in
the atmosphere of high society.
Hikaru: That's a real good way to catch something.
:)
[Gotham, 6:45 am]
From: Oracle
To: sstingray@unet.com.jp
Subject: The object of your pursuit...
Wayne Park, by the fountain.
9:00am
Mackie: Be there or be square!!!
Sylia stared at the e-mail message suspiciously.
She ran a tracer program Nene designed for just such an
occasion, and was surprised when the tracer failed.
It didn't just fail, it failed quickly. Normally, it would
dig around a little first.
Interesting. This required additional assistance.
After a few brief keystrokes, her laptop went into vidphone
mode. She keyed in a rather lengthy number and waited...
//MegaTokyo AD Police, Romanova spea- Sylia, hi!//
"Hello Nene."
//How's Gotham?//
Mackie (as Sylia): "Just like MegaTokyo, but with more Gothic
and less filth."
"Uneventful, until today. Are you on a secure terminal?"
Nene nodded.
Mercutio: Yes, all police departments tie up their secured outside
lines on purely routine incoming phone calls.
"I recieved an e-mail message from a source I couldn't
trace. I'm forwarding it to you now."
A few seconds passed...
//Oh. Oh, no way.//
"Something wrong?"
//Well... y'see... there used to be this legendary hacker
based in Gotham. Her name was Oracle.//
"You think this could be the same one?"
Mackie (as Nene): "Gee, considering she has the exact same
name and modus operandi and all, my guess is no, probably not."
//Thinking about going?//
Sylia nodded.
//Be careful. It is Gotham, after all.//
Sylia checked her handgun over, making sure it was loaded
and ready. "You know me, always careful."
:)
[MegaTokyo Grand Opera, 8:56 pm]
On stage, the climax of Pagliacci was underway. The jealous
and dominating husband, Canio, in costume as a clown, was
confronting his unfaithful wife Nedda.
Mercutio (as Canio): "You bitch! You've been moonlighting in Dante's
'Inferno', haven't you? Admit it! ADMIT IT!!!!!"
o/~ Il nome! Il nome! o/~ sang Canio.
o/~ No! o/~
'Canio' was supposed to, at this point, sing a few more
lines, then stab 'Nedda.'
Instead, he surprised all by rushing forward and giving her
an exaggerated kiss to the lips.
"Okaaaay," said Toshi. "I don't think this is in the
script." He flipped through his program guide briefly.
"Nope, definitely not in the script."
"Oh my," said Linna.
Hikaru: Channeling Kasumi now, is she?
'Nedda' backed away, shocked, then turned to the audience
and began laughing hysterically, loudly, although her eyes
were wide in fear and panic. Her lips twisted into a forced
grin and her laughter increased in its intensity.
The audience murmured in confusion, unsure and uncomfortable
with what was happening... until 'Nedda' finally stopped
laughing, gasped one last time, and collapsed on the floor.
'Canio' turned around for a brief moment, then turned to the
audience again.
He'd changed. Somehow he'd changed in that small instance.
Where once there was a slightly overweight man in a 19th
century clown costume, there was now a purple suited clown,
stick thin and grinning madly.
"Permettere che me mi introduca! Qui e la mia scheda!"
Mercutio: French; the language of love. Italian; the language
of insane megalomania.
Mackie: I thought that was German.
Suddenly, behind him, a gigantic card almost as tall as the
curtains slammed down with a metallic clang. The audience
screamed more as they saw the card smash into the stage
floor, crushing several stage actors under it.
It was a Joker card.
"Signore e signori! la comedia... COMINCIA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Hikaru: o/ Something delightful, o/
o/ something that's frightful, o/
o/ something for EVrybody, o/
o/ co-me-dy to-night! o/
Mercutio: You know Gos, you have a surprsingly pleasant
baritone.
From his jacket, he pulled out a small metal sphere and
dropped it casually to the floor. It exploded with a sudden
bang and flash, filling the stage with smoke.
:)
"What's going on down there?!" asked Linna.
Mercutio: A grinning psycho just murdered the female lead
and dropped a two-ton playing card on the stage!! Weren't you
paying attention?
"I dunno, but I'm gonna go find out," said Toshi. "Be right
back."
:)
The Joker whistled merrily as he strolled out the back door
of the opera house. The night had gone well, yes, very
well. A good and fitting punchline to the joke of the day,
that was.
He wondered what he'd do for an encore.
Mackie: I know!!! He's going to rig every corsage and bouquet
in the city to squirt water on eveyrbody all at the same time!!!
Mercutio: For the third and LAST time, NO!!!
"Police! Freeze!"
Mackie (as Victor Fries): "That's MISTER Freeze to yo- oh wait,
wrong story. Never mind."
"Why officer, something I can do for you?" he asked
smoothly, turning around. The Joker's grin increased a
notch when he noticed the policeman, aiming a gun at him,
was wearing a suit.
Ah, so there was one in the audience.
"Put your hands above your head, clown."
Mercutio: Every cop who has ever confronted the Joker has
an obligation to say that.
"Hey, y'know what?" asked the Joker casually.
"I said put your hands on your head!"
"I think my gun's bigger than yours. Let's find out!" As
the Joker reached into his jacket, the policeman opened
fire. To his shock, his two shots missed as the man
actually _dodged_ them. He didn't get a chance to fire a
third because the barrel of the gun that was suddenly a
centimeter from his eye was distracting him.
It was a big gun, but not in the conventional definition of
'big gun'. It appeared to be a .357 Magnum, but with a five
meter long barrel.
Mercutio: Stolen just that morning from Tim Burton's prop
closet.
"Mmm-hm. Mine's definitely longer," said the Joker.
Mackie: Huhhuhhuh. He said his is longer.
Mercuito: Shutup, Beavis.
"Oh... shit."
The Joker pulled the trigger.
There was a puff of smoke... a loud bang... the policeman
flinched and stumbled back.
And he was still alive.
"Hahahahaha! Gets'em every time!" crowed the Joker. The
gun he held now had a small stick poking out of the barrel
with a flag attached to it.
It said 'BANG'.
"A... fake gun?" he asked, still stunned.
"No, silly. A harpoon gun!"
-THUD-
Hikaru: You know, technically, there should have been a SQUISH
along with that THUD. Or possibly a GOOSH. What sound DOES
the human skull make after it's been lampooned, anyway?
;)
[Gotham, Wayne Park. 9:01 am]
Aside from the occasional jogger, Wayne Park was empty. It
was too early for the lunch crowd, just a little late for
the breakfast crowd.
Mercutio: But what about the BRUNCH crowd, huh? What about
THEM?
Sylia's senses were scanning her surroundings, waiting for
the moment 'Oracle' would arrive.
She was expecting trouble.
Mackie: Oh yes, the elderly women in the wheelchair is going
to cause ever so much trouble.
Mercutio: Hey, you never know. She could bring Black Canary with
her.
Hikaru: Wrong fanfic. This is "S.M.I.L.E," not "Cats and Birds."
She wasn't expecting trouble in the form of a dozen youths,
all weilding baseball bats and walking her way. Sylia's
hand reached slowly for the gun under her jacket...
They walked right past her, chatting pleasantly amongst
themselves. One of them politely tipped his hat to her as
he walked by.
Mercutio: Three minutes later, they bludgeoned a suspected
pickpocket to death.
They were all wearing, on their shirts, their hats, or as a
tatoo, the symbol of the batman.
A moment later, they were gone.
Strange, she thought.
'They're vigilantes,' said a voice behind her.
Sylia turned to see a man, in his 60's, with a fake
moustache and padding under his overcoat. The bald spot was
fake too. The disguise was a good job, but she knew how to
spot fakes.
Mercutio: Oh gee, who could this be? <coughcoughdickgraysoncough>
'Vigilantes, you say?' asked Sylia.
'Kids these days, they're all crazy if you ask me,' said the
man. 'That bunch is with the Children of the Bat.
Followin' a vigilante who's time's past.'
Mercutio: Lousy little S.O.B's........
Mackie: <wincing> And I thought Rod's steals from DKR were bad.....
'Strange boys,' observed Sylia.
'There's worse than them, though,' said the stranger.
'There's gangs that take after the sickos too. The Black
Masks, the Penguins, the Two-Facers, a real lively bunch.'
Mercutio (as man): "We'd have one based on the Joker too, but
'Batman Beyond' outbid us for the liscensing rights."
'So... what do you want?' she asked.
'That's just what I was about to ask you, Miss Stingray.'
'Who are you?'
He ignored her question, asking, 'Just what are you looking
for, here in Gotham, and why?'
'I think you already know that,' said Sylia.
The man shrugged. 'Maybe I do, maybe I don't.'
'I don't like playing games," said Sylia sternly.
'Neither do I, Miss Stingray.'
'I want the truth.'
Mackie: You can't HANDLE the truth!!!!
'Nobody's lied to you yet.'
'I've looked at my past and it seems like I'm being set up
for something nobody's told me about. That means my people
and I may be placed in danger for a reason I haven't been
told about, and that is unacceptable.' She stared at him
with an iron gaze. 'Is that good enough?'
The man stayed silent.
Hikaru: The theme form Jeoparody began playing the background.
'Well?' asked Sylia.
The man tossed something to Sylia. 'Here. If you do things
right, you'll need this.'
Sylia looked at the object. 'A key? What-' She looked up
to ask him what it was for, only to find herself alone once
more.
Mackie: I'll keep you... company... Neesan!!!!
Mercutio: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the obligatory 'Mackie
Makes Vaguely Incestuous Comments' joke. We promise it will not
happen again. In this particular MST, anyway.
"Dammit."
;)
He walked out from the alley, his disguise shed and tucked
away in his briefcase. It had been years since he'd worked
in disguise, or even in the field at all.
Once, a long time ago, he was like her. Young, full of
confidence, and ready to take on the world.
He missed those days.
Mercutio: Getting shot at by various psychos, crawling over
slick rooftops in the dead of night, the constant, brutal physical
training.... yeah, I can see how he'd miss that.
Sometimes he wondered why he left it all behind.
'Grampa!'
'Daddy, you're a little late.'
And then he remembered why.
'Sorry, honey. I just had a little business to attend to.'
Very good reasons, indeed.
-end part 3-
Mercutio: Wella, that was pretty good.
Mackie: Yeah, for a repost of old materiel, I enjoyed it immensly.
Hikaru: Although we have to wonder, Merc, just WHY you wasted
time on this, what with all your other overdue projects.
Mercutio: <sweatdropping> I don't know what you're talking about.
Mackie: Hey yeah Gos, you're right! He has that side story he promised
Mike, and his web page to set up, a d his OTHER MST's....
Mercutio: Ummmm.... er.... ageh......
Hikaru: And don't forget that new Evangelion story he pitched, and his
OWN BGC/DCU story that he never ever finshed, plus the Ranma stuff
he hasn't touched in nearly a YEAR..... you slacker!!!!
Mercutio: I've been busy, dammit!!!! Leave me alone!!!!
Mackie: Oh yeah, reallllllllllllll busy...... I'm sure that the eight hours of
TV
a day leave you MUCH to tired to write.
Mercutio: Shut up shut up shut UP!!
<sounds of violence ensue>
-End LST1/2K-
Reviewers Notes: Nothing much to say, except to note that I much look forward
to this series finally startinh up again, and that I hope I didn't confuse too
many people with my obscure DC Comics refs. And that I intend to analyze the
hell out of each and every additional part Rod puts out for continuity errors
with the animated series and BGC. Beware!!!! BEWARE!!!!!!! THE FANBOY
COMETH!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Mercutio
"A plague a both your houses!"