[Open in a dark room, where the lights come on to reveal a nervous
looking reedy man sitting in the room's middle.  He fidgets on the iron
chair, trying to straighten what used to be a Tenchi t-shirt, before it
fell victim to mud and cuts.]

Otaku: Hello.. um.  One day I was walking down the street, just walking
you know?  Trying to get to the video store early, when *it* happened.

[We cut to a dingy alley, where there is a flash of light.  When it's
over, the man is lying on the ground.  He continues speaking in
voiceover, the Artist's Recreation (as is proclaimed in tiny letters in
the corner of the screen) following his words.]

Otaku: Well, when I woke up, I just started to walk around.  And it
wasn't hard to see what'd happened.  I mean, it was a total shock, but
then I saw Priss drive past and.. well, I knew I was in a
self-insertion fic.

[The recreation also shows him drooling at Priss as she passes before
cackling lustfully, but he seems to not mention that detail.]

Otaku: So I did what any fan would do, tried to find Sylia and get into
things with the girls.  Fit in, have fun, help them out through the
rough spots...  That's when the problems began.  I didn't have any
money they'd take for a map.  Someone tried to knife me when I asked
for directions.  I finally found a phone booth with a real whole phone 
book, but I had to abandon it when a boomer started a rampage.

[We follow him through all of these trials, and finally settle on a
worn man, clothing dirty and disheveled, wandering the streets of
Megatokyo in search of something familiar.]

Otaku: I never even got the chance to see them again.  I ran into a
gang... then next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.  I guess they
didn't like what I said when I was babbling from blood loss, all about
the Knight Sabres and it not being fair... so they called in a couple
of cops.  They got it all out've me.  Thought I was nuts, but followed
up anyway and realized that at least I was right about the Sabres'
identities...

[We flash through the beating, a hospital bed, a hard-nosed police
interrogation, and finally back to the quiet room, where the otaku is
sobbing.]

Otaku: I destroyed the Knight Sabres!

[Suddenly, another man steps into the camera view.  He cuts a much
different figure than the otaku sobbing on a chair, wearing a
custom-tailored suit.  His smile is wide and faintly insincere in its
sincerity.]

Suit: Yes, this can happen to you as well.  You're walking down the
street and suddenly your dreams are fulfilled.  Until you realize that
you have no money, no maps, and might not even speak the language. 
That's where we come in.

[Cut to a busy office, with several desks manned by efficient seeming
drones on one end, and various disheveled people in their teens or
twenties on the other.  The suited man walks in again.]

Suit: Hi, I'm Kevin Garmont, with Garmont, Hector, and Spooge.  We're
the Self-Insertion Insurance Company.  For four easy yearly payments,
we'll be at your service in any of our member realities to pay off your
claim.  All you have to do is show up with your member card.

[Focus on one of the desks, where a smiling customer service woman who
doesn't seem to have a brain in her head after the recruitment training
hands over a check.]

Kevin: And that's not all.  We don't skimp on you, like some other
companies that throw you your claim and tell you to get out.  No, we'll
give you everything you need to make your way and fulfill your dreams
in your new reality.  Language lessons in case you don't speak
Japanese, or don't speak it well enough to impress Sylia with your
stunning intelligence?  You've got it.  Training regimen so that you
can go toe-to-toe with Ranma?  No problem, we have one of the few
licensed Neko-ken instructors in the universes.  Genetic tinkering so
that Washuu will find you fascinating enough to be your *personal*
nurse? 

[Kevin grins and winks.]

Kevin: NO problem.  We'll be there for you.  Money, information, and
whatever setup and training you need.  We even include an alarm
service, so that you won't oversleep and forget to save Sylvie.  Sure,
the chances that you'll suddenly pop into a popular anime universe
aren't good...

[Fade back to the sobbing okatu, who's now wailing about his poor
imprisoned cutie Priss-chan.  Kevin goes to voiceover as contact
information flashes on the screen over the wrecked remains of a fan.]

"But can *you* risk it?  Garmont, Hector, and Spooge.  We're your anime
friends."

Fast Announcer Voice: Offices not open in any universe with a tentacle
quotient above 1.8.  We take no responsibility for any mistakes made in
helping you to cram martial arts techniques, learn hardsuit repair or
basic protection spells, or infusing you with alien DNA.  Service
waiver applies to all supplementary services.  If you are killed by an
annoyed Vegita, our offices will disavow any knowledge of your identity
for our own protection.  Have a nice day.


Note: I do like self-insertions.  All right, well-done ones.  The
idea for this popped up in a conversation somewhat over a year ago, and
I finally happened to notice the file I had sitting around with the
note to write it.


--
Jon Robertson
http://www.eyrie.org/~jonrober