a little c&c

Fushigi Mizu (Chapter 2)
by: Rani

Bright light quickly disappeared that left everyone speechless. 

awfully awkward sentence, and somewhat incomplete.  How about "The bright light quickly disappeared, and everyone was left speechless."

All of
them was 

were

dumbfounded and shocked at the turn of events. Instantly,
everyone started to talk about the event which just happened 

which had just happened

as all of
them made their own conclusions.

"Maybe it's a UFO"

don't forget a period.

"A UFO?"

"I think it's one of those experiments of the science club again."

awkward sentence structure - try "I think it was another one of the science club's experiments."

"Didn't Miss Hinako sucked 

suck

their energy because they tried to use her
for their experiment?

"It must be one of those plots the Principal has to have our hair cut."

"The principal is on 

in

Hawaii now, vacationing as usual. Hey! I heard
that Tatewaki was to take his place..."

Everyone was excited to tell their friends the details that happened in

the library.

yet another awkward sentence.  Details don't happen; events happen. 

By the time the lunch bell rang, everyone was out of the
library.

Except Akane. She was still looking for Ranma, wanting to give him a
piece of her mind, not to mention her mallet for teasing Ryoga. The poor

boy had enough problems already in his mind 

The way you've written this, it sounds like Ryouga's going nuts.  Instead, use

already had enough problems to think about
or
already had enough problems on his mind

and Ranma was adding to it

them

with her tricks and disguises.

A couple of sentences ago, you referred to Ranma as "he." Please choose one gender and stick to it, at least within paragraphs.

"Ranma! Where are you?" Akane whispered furiously

another missed period.

  Akane didn't hear any reply and she began to search around the aisles

and on top of the bookshelves but she couldn't find Ranma at all.

"That's strange, I know Ranma was here with me before the incident
happened." 

happened," 

Akane thought. She started to get worried. Something might
have happened to Ranma. Like she might have been sucked into the book.
Remembering Ranma's sudden disappearance when the book hit her.

awkward sentence fragment.  It could mean any number of things.  How about, "She remembered the way Ranma had suddenly disappeared as she was hit by the book."

"Akane! You are getting paranoid! She must have ran away and hid
somewhere." Akane 

somewhere," Akane

consoled herself. "I'll find her and she will 

she'll

get it!
That pervert!" she silently said 

Did she think it, or did she mutter it under her breath?

as she began to pick her things up, she

was going to be late for lunch.

comma splice.  Make it into a new sentence.  

But as she reached for the door, she remembered the book that she threw

had thrown

at Ranma.

"The book! I need that for my project!" Akane said as she ran back to
retrieve it.

Akane retraced her steps, she found it at the floor. Exactly where
Ranma was standing when she hit her with it, picking the book up.

This entire paragraph is rather confusing.  How about:

Akane retraced her steps, and found the book on the floor.  It was lying exactly where Ranma had been standing when she'd been hit by it.  

Akane picked up the book.

"The Universe of the Four Gods... Strange! It looks brand new." Akane

new," Akane

said as she examined the book.

Akane was about to open the book when the bell rang, signaling that
lunch time was over and she could hear the sound of the students
returning back to their classrooms.

run-on sentence.  Make it into two sentences: 

...lunch time was over.  She could hear...

"Great! I haven't eaten yet and I'm late for my class already!  Ranma!
You'll be sorry  when I am 

when I'm

done with you!" Akane silently swore and
placed the book with her things and ran as fast as she could, not to
miss her next class.

another run-on.  "...and placed the book with her things.  She ran as fast as she could so as not to miss her next class."

"I wonder where Ryoga is?" Akane thought. She knows 

knew

that Ryoga was with

Ranma before the whole incident happened.

Somewhere, still in the library, a pile of books moved. Suddenly, a boy

with a yellow bandana burst out of it. He looked very, very furious.

"Ranma! Where are you! 

This statement warrants a question mark.

Fight me like a man!" Ryoga shouted as he
searched for Ranma.

"You are going to pay for insulting me!" he added. He went out through
the wall.

"burst out through the wall," or "bashed through the wall," I think would give a better image.  "Went out" sounds too calm.

"Another one of them 

them,

Flo," the janitor said. They watched the scene.

"Kids today don't have respect for the library!" the librarian
answered.

     * * *

In the depths of the mystical forest, Taiitsu-kun could hear a shout
coming down from the sky.  It went on for a few more minutes when she
heard the shout end with a loud thud.

minutes; then, she heard

"It is done." Taiitsu-kun announced.

done," Taiitsu-kun

In the enchanted mirror, she could see a girl landed

landing

in the desert. She

has 

had

red hair and blue eyes.

"She is here." She said softly.

here," said Taiitsu-kun softly.

Her mirror emitted a bright red light.

     * * *

< Desert >

You don't really need this tag.  We know from the previous scene that Ranma is in a desert, and we know from the next line that Ranma's here; so most readers will be able to figure out that this scene takes place in a desert.  

"Stupid tomboy! How come she always has a bad timing? " 

has such bad timing?" 

Ranma
complained, as she rubbed her sore head.

Standing  up to ease her muscles, she felt strangely drained like she
went on a roller coaster and threw her on the ground.

I don't know about you, but if I went on a roller coaster ride and was thrown off onto the ground, I'd feel nauseous and dizzy, and I'd probably be in agony from several broken limbs.  I most definitely wouldn't feel drained.  This simile isn't really appropriate here.  If you want Ranma to feel as though she just stepped off a roller coaster, don't use the word "drained".  

A strong current of air rushed that swept 

rushed past Ranma and swept

her hair and skirt. It was
strange, there was no window on the back of the library.

comma splice.  Here, I'd use a semicolon: 

It was strange; there was no window

Ranma lifted her head, she realized that this was not the library.

another comma splice.  Here, I'd use a conjunction: 

Ranma lifted her head, and realized

"Where am I?" Ranma wondered.

There was no sight of books or classmates in front of her. Instead, all

she saw were acres and acres of sand surrounding her.

"This is not library! 

Ranma talk like Shampoo!   "This isn't the library!"

This is a desert!" Ranma exclaimed.

Ranma's eyes grew wide open. "Desert? What was she doing in here?" She
thought 

Methinks Ranma's speech and the author's narration are a little mixed up.  "Desert?  What am I doing here?" she thought

as her body went numb. Her heart stopped beating.

Call an ambulance!  Get out the defibrillator!  Does anyone know CPR?  You probably mean, "Her heart skipped a beat."

"Oh God! I am in the desert!" Ranma started to freak out.

"What am I doing here? How did I get here?" Ranma asked herself.
Concentrating to remember the things that happened before she was
brought here.

sentence fragment.  "Ranma asked herself, concentrating..."

I was teasing Ryoga. Akane saw us and got angry. She had a book in her
hand. She threw it at me. The book opened on a certain page. I picked up

the book...

Nowhere else in this chapter do you use this particular method of showing Ranma's thoughts.  It would be more consistent with what you've already written to put this entire paragraph in quotes.

Suddenly, pieces fell together. 

the pieces all fell into place.

"It's the book!" Ranma realized.

"Hahaha! I am in a book! I was actually sucked in by a book!" Ranma
said while she laughed.

This is a bit of a leap.  Remember, Ranma wasn't able to read the book's preface, so she really doesn't have anything to base this inference on.

Her laughter suddenly changed into a groan.

"I am 

"I've been

sucked into a book! What am I thinking?" She moaned.

thinking?" she moaned.

Looking around the place, Ranma couldn't explain it but she felt as if
she'd come home. Like she had been here before, 

before;

as if she had been born
here.

That thought however 

thought, however,

was interrupted by the sound of horse's 
hooves and

looked around for the place the sound was coming from and saw a small
wagon coming to her.

This sentence is missing something; plus, it's a run-on.  How about:

...by the sound of horse's hooves.  Ranma looked around herself to find where the sound was coming from, and saw a small wagon coming towards her.

The wagon stopped when it reached Ranma. Ranma looked up to see an old
woman on the driver's side.

Repetitious; how about: 

She looked up to see an old woman driving it.  

Ranma was a little surprised that an old woman could handle a wagon
with
seven horses tied to it. Yet there was something familiar about the
woman's gray hair and blue eyes. Images of a woman calling her came into

her mind.

"Reigen! Reigen! Come here my child!"

You should make it more clear that this phrase is part of Ranma's distant memories.

Ranma quickly shook all of her thoughts away when she realized that the

old woman was talking to her.

"Could you please repeat what you said?" Ranma asked.

The old woman didn't looked angry when Ranma asked to 

when Ranma asked her to

repeat her
question. She looked as if she knew the reason why.

"I asked if you were lost," the old woman answered.

Ranma was thinking. Maybe if she can 

could

find a town, she might get some
answers why she was here and at the same time find a way to get home.
This place was giving her the creeps. It was all too real to her.

"Yes, Could you take me to the nearest town?" Ranma asked.

"Konan?" the old woman asked.

Konan is a country, not a town.  The capital city of Konan is called Eiyou.

"Yes, Konan," Ranma answered "Wherever that is anyway." she silently
added to herself.

answered.  "Wherever that is, anyway," 

The woman was silent for a moment before she agreed. But she could only

take her to the outskirts of the country. She mentioned.

Sentence fragment.  How about: But she mentioned that she could only take Ranma to the outskirts of the country.

Ranma agreed. There 

There,

she reasoned, she could walk until she reached the
town 

town,

and fix this mess she got herself into as soon as possible.

Ranma climbed up inside the wagon, she 

wagon.  She

saw lots of food, a small cot

cot,

and clothes inside. Because of the events that happened, 

that had happened,

Ranma forgot
her tiredness and hunger.

The old woman, noticing Ranma's tired and hungry condition 

condition,

told her
that she have some food, clothes and  some rest.

that she should have some food, take some new clothes, and get some rest.

Ranma thanked the woman gladly 

woman, and gladly

ate the offered food and changed into a
new set of clothes. She examined herself after she changed. The pants
and shirt looked like a uniform of some soldier, 

of some kind of soldier,

but she didn't care, as

long as she was able to get out of the Fuurinkan uniform. The soldier's
uniform was surely for 

surely made for

a man. It hung loosely on her , 

cut out the extra space before the comma

hiding her
curvaceous body. It made her look more like a boy than a girl. Ranma hid

her hair with a piece of cloth, as her gleaming red hair 

You used "hair" just a little while ago; you should use another word like "tresses" to make this sentence less repetitive.

was very
unusual and she didn't want to attract any attention.

 Satisfied with her appearance, she decided to take a little nap and
once 

Start a new sentence.  "...take a little nap.  Once..."

she laid 

lay down

on the small cot, she fell asleep quickly.

The old woman driving the wagon smiled. It was a long time since she
had seen Ranma. She knew that Ranma would face a lot of obstacles before

reaching her destiny.

 "Sleep well 

well,

my child. You still have a long way to go," the old woman
whispered softly.

     * * *

Tamahome was tired. He had been searching for Miaka for days but still
there was no sign of her.  He was already thinking that she was 

had been

returned

back to her world by Taiitsu-kun.

You don't need the word "back" in this sentence.  "Returned" pretty much covers it.

Tamahome disregarded 

Maybe "discarded" would be a more appropriate word.

the thought quickly. It was impossible. Miaka was
the Sazuka 

Suzaku

no Miko. She was the only one capable 

able

to summon  Suzaku  and
everyone 

Suzaku.  Everyone

knew that, even Miaka herself.

It was already nightfall and Tamahome decided to sleep underneath a big

tree. He decided that he'd continue his search early the next morning.

As he settled into his sleep, he could not remove the worry and fear he

felt in his heart.

"Miaka..." Tamahome whispered sadly.

Tamahome had never loved any girl more than her. Her mere voice could
make Tamahome forget all about his problems and fears. Everything about
her was perfect. Her brown hair shined 

that shone

brightly against 

in

the sun, her
eyes were 

that were

like mirrors to her soul,  her face that was so beautiful and
sweet , 

get rid of the extra space

her slim body and  cute smile. Everything.

Tamahome could still remember the last time they had talked. It was
under the moon and the stars. Her ideals, passion and commitment about

commitment to

Konan's security made Tamahome, if possible love her more.

made Tamahome love her even more, if that was possible.

Never had he seen a girl so selfless as Miaka. Putting her safety and
life just for a country she had little knowledge of.

Sentence fragment.  "She put her safety and life on the line just for a country she had little knowledge of."

Their last kiss still lingered on Tamahome's lips. The sweetness and
coolness of it. Sealing their love forever.

I'd join these last two sentences: "...coolness of it, sealing their love forever."

"I'll get you back Miaka." Tamahome 

back, Miaka," Tamahome

promised before he closed his eyes.

     * * *

The old woman reached the outskirts of  Konan by night time. She woke
Ranma who was  still asleep on the cot. Ranma was first surprised but
then remembered  her situation quickly and climbed down 

out of

the wagon.

"Just follow that path and you would 

should

reach the town in no time." the

no time," the

old woman said.

Ranma thanked the old  woman for her kindness and started to travel
down the path the old woman  had pointed out.

The old woman, watched 

woman watched

Ranma walk away  and whispered softly "Take 

softly, "Take

care

of her for me, Taiitsu-kun. She is the key to everything."

     * * *

Ranma walked for a mile before fatigue wore on her. She still felt
tired even after the short nap she had.

she had had.

Satisfied at the progress she made, 

she'd made,

she decided to sleep underneath a
nearby tree. Then she would continue her journey to the town the next
morning.

As soon as Ranma found a suitable resting place. She plopped down and
in a short while, she was already snoring .

sentence fragment that should be joined to the following sentence:

...a suitable resting place, she plopped down...

Unaware of  a person asleep beside her.

sentence fragment.  "She was unaware..."

     * * *

The bright rays of the sun and the sound of birds slightly woke Ranma
up. 

the word "slightly" is out of place.

Still half-asleep, Ranma tried to go back to sleep when she felt
oddly warm. Since the air was still cold despite of the sun, she
wiggled closer, wanting more of the warmth.

Ranma noticed that her cheeks touched something broad. It felt hard and

warm. Her nose inhaled the scent. It smelled like sweat and musk.
Although Ranma was still half-asleep, she couldn't stop herself from
enjoying the smell.

At that moment, Tamahome was dreaming that he was holding Miaka. He
noticed that Miaka's front seemed a lot bigger and softer and 

softer, and

she
smelled of Roses, not Jasmine. 

Don't capitalize them.  They're just flowers.

But he didn't care as long as Miaka was
with him.

"Miaka... " Tamahome groaned.

"groaned" sounds like he's in pain or something.  How about "moaned?"

At the sound of Miaka's name and a man's groan, Ranma was fully awake.

How about: At the sound of a man's voice, Ranma woke up completely.

Her eyes shot wide open and saw 

she saw

a blue-haired guy holding her in his
arms.

"You jerk!" Ranma shouted

shouted.

Tamahome's eyes opened just in time to see a hand punched 

punching

him.

It didn't hurt him much but it was enough to make him fully awake.

enough to wake him fully.

He saw a man wearing Kotou uniform.

wearing the uniform of a Kutou soldier.

"An enemy!" Tamahome realized. Wondering what a Kotou soldier would be
doing here. Tamahome 

here, Tamahome

suddenly remembered Chiriko's presumption. 

"presumption" gives the wrong kind of image.  How about "suggestion" or "theory?"

"Chiriko

is right! Miaka must have been kidnapped by Nakago's men!"

 Tamahome's anger sparked. 

was sparked.

Believing that 

The belief that

Miaka was in Nakago's
possession seemed to increase his anger. He wasn't angry, he was
furious.

angry; he was furious.

And the thought that the soldier punched 

had punched

him made him angrier. He
wanted to beat the hell out of this soldier.

Tamahome's ogre 

So Tamahome has a pet ogre?  It would sound better if you said, "The ogre character on Tamahome's forehead"

flared up. It increased his strength and power ten
times more. 

You don't need the "more".  

He was ready to kick ass.

Ranma's anger has 

had

the same intensity with that of  Tamahome's. 

intensity as Tamahome's.

How dare

he do that to her! She was a guy! No man had ever gotten that close to
Ranma. Even Mikado who was the one to kiss her didn't stand a chance. 

who had kissed her hadn't stood a chance.

He

got 

had gotten

what he deserved.

Ranma knew that it 

Ranma knew that that

wasn't the real reason that she 

reason why she

was furious. It was
the fact that she rather 

that she had rather

enjoyed it made 

enjoyed it which made

her feel bitter and angry.

Ranma was about to call him a pervert when he attacked her. Caught
surprised, 

Caught by surprise,

Ranma fell down.

"You are a weakling," Tamahome said as he looked down on his enemy.

How about, "on his supposed enemy."?

Ranma was pissed off by the man's haughtiness. She wanted to teach him
a lesson. She used her chestnut fist to attack him.

This surprised Tamahome, he was able to counter almost all of the
punches but he felt pain around his midsection.

comma splice.  Make it into two sentences.  "This surprised Tamahome.  He was able to..."

Tamahome fell down on his knees in pain. "You are a weakling," Ranma
said, her eyes twinkled. 

twinkling.

It was her turn to tease Tamahome.

Tamahome never considered defeat. He stood up, his dark blue eyes
focusing on her blue ones, told her 

and told her

"Release Miaka, or else you will
die! Enemy!" 

die, enemy!"

Tamahome warned. His ogre 

His ogre character

flared up more.

"Who is Miaka? I don't know her!" Ranma answered. She realized now that

their "reasons" were different from one another.

these quotes are inappropriate.  How about: She realized now that their reasons for fighting were different... 

"Don't play games with me! Kotou soldier! 

with me, Kutou soldier!

I am prepared to kill you for

Miaka! Give her back! 

back!"

Tamahome said. He was serious.

Can't he see that Miaka isn't anywhere nearby? 

"Arghhh!" Tamahome shouted, releasing punches that were less than Ranma

were less powerful than Ranma's,

but strong enough to destroy a tree behind Ranma.

but still strong enough to destroy a tree behind her.

"He's good. Better than pig-boy." Ranma 

pig-boy," Ranma

thought, amazed at the jerk's
strength.

Ranma dodged each attack with ease but that didn't stop the worry she
had in her heart. She didn't want to fight him but 

fight him, but

he has 

had

to pay to what

to pay for what

he did 

he'd done

to her. Hugging her as if she was his girlfriend and for calling
her a weakling.

Sentence fragment.  "...what he'd done to her: hugging her as though she were his girlfriend, and calling her a weakling."

"Give her back to me! I'll be your captive just 

captive; just

don't hurt her!"
Tamahome said. 

Kind of a weird thing to say, considering that he's still throwing punches.

His blue eyes  looked deeply to hers.

into hers.

Ranma felt that he wasn't an enemy at all. She didn't want to fight him

anymore. So she 

anymore, so she

decided to leave him. She needed a diversion and she
knew what to do.

She collected all of her energy into a chi ball.  Once she was
satisfied with the size, 

with its size,

she released it to distract him and give her
time to escape.

Tamahome was able to dodge the ball and saw the soldier ran 

run

off to
town. Tamahome didn't give up easily. He followed the soldier.

"Come back here!" Tamahome shouted.

     * * *

Taiitsu-kun saw everything from her enchanted mirror. She shook her
head in disappointment.

"Must she do all the work?'

Must *who* do all the work?  Are you talking about Taiitsu-kun, or that grey-haired lady?  If you mean Taiitsu-kun, you should write: 

"Must I do all the work?"

Looks like 

It looked like

she has 

she'd have

to show up in Konan again.

Megan Jones              bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/index.html


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