Leifker presents...

Courtesans

A Shoujo Kakumei Utena fanfic by Nicholas Leifker

Utena created by Saitoh Chiho, with US distribution owned by Software
Sculptors.  All rights reserved.  I ask that you not do anything with
any part of this fanfic without the author's permission.

Warning: There are some spoilers in here (I think); however, the
spoilers have nothing to do with the End of the World.

Take my revolution...

**********************************************************

Evening has come - the time of shadows, the hours of dreams.  My sword
glistens with a coat of freshly-applied oil; the blade appears sharp to
the point of nothingness.  It feels good in my hands; it moves with a
weight and fluidity simply not found in a wooden bokken.  I move it
between various guard positions, and smile at the creation; Masamune
himself could not have forged a better one.

It doesn't hold a candle next to the Sword of Dios, though.

Sighing, I sheath the blade, and look around.  The room seems empty now;
I never knew how much Anthy filled it with her presence.  I miss her
carefully-crafted meals, her cheering as I fought my duels, her
beautiful roses... I miss her.  She was the light in my darkness.  She
was what I lived for.

My hand clenches around the blade's handle.  That bitch Utena defeated
me - twice - each time against impossible odds.  That shouldn't have
happened; simply put, I'm better than her.  If that doesn't convince
Jury of her folly, nothing will.  I have attended her subsequent fights;
in each case, Utena should have lost.  My strength, Miki's passion,
Jury's precision... any or all of these should have bested her.  Each
time, something came between her and defeat, whether it be Dios, or
simple fortune.  I am beginning to think that she may be the one.

That doesn't mean that I have to like it - or that I have to accept it. 
I know what my letters said; I am the chosen one.  I will not - cannot -
let such a simple girl defeat me.  My life is at stake, and I will not
roll over and die because of her.

Silence is my life, now; silence and vengeance.  Each day I come home
from my practices, she is not here; whenever I call for her in my
forgetfulness, she does not answer.  The footsteps echo loudly through
the room, and the nothingness that surrounds me when I turn off the
lights at night is enough to drive any man crazy.   In my practices, I
make no sound; I want none.  Everything I hear merely reminds me of what
I have lost.  Every thought is focused on my victory, every dream tuned
to my shining moment.

Utena will lose.  I don't care what it takes; she will go down.  One
day, she will make a mistake, and I'll be there when she does.  I have
even fantasized about moving my blade a little too far; the dead are
never lucky, after all, and all of the Council (except maybe Touga)
would be better for it.

And, then, Anthy will be mine again - mine forever.  I put the sword
into a carrying case, and make my way out of the dorm room.  There is
still time left in the night, and I need all the practice I can get.

After all, luck is for those who make it...

************************************************************************

Do you know what it is like to be alone?

I do.  Believe me, I do.  Loneliness comes part and parcel with who I
am.  In a way, loneliness created me - or, at least, what everyone
conceives as 'me'.  If only they knew the truth... how I came to be, the
forces that shaped me, perhaps they would understand.  However, they
would not forgive; I am beyond forgiveness.  I have ruined too many
lives to be allowed such mercy.

I shake my head, trying to clear the demons from my eyes.  The past
weighs heavily on me tonight; I feel the heartache more keenly than
usual.  It happens; some nights I find myself almost normal, while other
nights are spent wishing for miracles.  

Miracles... heh.  What a joke.  Utena may trust in them, but they will
betray her in the end.  

I turn away from my studies; I'm not going to get any more done
tonight.  The uniform slips off with a practiced ease, soon to be
replaced with a more comfortable sleeping gown.  

I like this gown.  It reminds me that I haven't totally destroyed myself
behind this mask.

The night feels good; autumn rains have cooled the air, enough to give
goosebumps without chilling entirely.  Instinctively I clutch at my
locket; what is contained inside must be kept warm, must be kept alive
at the cost of all else.  My fingers rub across its forged surface,
feeling every cut, knowing it like a practiced lover... like I wanted to
know her.  I was silly, then.  I should have known better.

My ears twitch at the sound of a piano; 'Moonlight' and moonlight are a
delicious mix.  I peer through the glass; sure enough, Miki is busy
working his magic on the ivories.  His eyes are closed; he caresses the
keys delicately, with some quality his normal playing lacks.  Truth to
tell, he looks almost attractive as the music possesses him, with his
refined, elfin face, his delicate hands, his slight frame...

Almost - but worlds apart.  

Anger washes over me; I nearly crush my locket in frustration.  I know
better than to think like that; I can no more change my soul than he
could change his body.  I can't count the times I've cursed my feelings,
wishing I didn't feel this way, wishing she hadn't betrayed me like
that...

Wishing she'd known, and chosen me over him.

I am the odd one of the Council, in a way.  Saionji wishes for the power
so he can have his precious flower; Touga wishes for the power to rule;
Miki wishes to heal the world's problems.  They know what to do with the
world.  I don't.  I tell them I want to disprove miracles... that isn't
true anymore.

I want to make miracles.  I just don't know which ones.

*************************************************

Night.

Remarkable what it does to a person's mood, sometimes.   There's
something that comes into my music then, some ineffable quality that
snakes its way through my fingers and into the piano.  The music feels
more relaxed; I don't have to play for my fellow classmates at this 
time, so I can unwind like I should.  I don't get a chance to do this 
often, so I enjoy it as much as I can.  

I wish I could crash through all of the walls.  Anthy's presence made me
realize something; while I must be at the center of my music, I cannot
go totally alone.  I need the presence of the Council, much as that
surprises me.  They are... as much as I am loath to put myself away from
everyone, they are my peers.  They are equals, and the only people
capable of truly challenging me.

Challenge is important to me.  Without struggle, without knowing that I
have something to fight for, my music is useless.  My music says what I
cannot, and speaks of what can never be.  I mourn the waste of my
sister's talents in the elegant chords, scream the frustrations of
loneliness in the apocalyptic crashes, and hope for future love and
success in playful melodies - something I don't play often enough.  

A soft footfall catches my attention, and I turn outside. 
Jury-sempai... her fragility stuns me; she seems so vulnerable in her
silken gown, a far cry from the imperious mask she wears.  She doesn't
speak much of her past, though; Touga-sensei has merely hinted at it. 
Whatever it was, whoever it was who haunts her like this, I pray that
Jury-sempai can find some sort of peace, no matter how elusive.  

Of course...

Quietly, I pluck a rose from the vase on the piano, and walk toward the
glass doorway.  I don't know if it will cheer her up, but I can always
hope.  After all, someone has to look after her, to make sure she isn't
as alone as she thinks.

And, maybe, hopefully, with a friend's presence, I won't be as alone as
I am.

*************************************

The shuffle of a woman's footsteps echo in my ears as I slowly close the
door.  I strain to hear the rustle of clothing; no doubt our exertions
left both of our outfits in disarray.  Not caring about the condition of
my shirt and jacket, I slip both off and toss them into the hamper.

Another day done.  Thank God.  Each day becomes just a little harder,
each seduction a little more painful, and this time I need the shelter
of home. 

I am an actor, a fraud hiding behind killer eyes and a seductive smile. 
Every morning I wonder if I will have the patience to wear through the
day; every night I give thanks that I made it through, and take off the
masks.  Nobody knows; nobody can know.

Rubbing my arms together, I walk to my bed and dream of better times. 
I've always had to hide from everyone; however, 'everyone' has grown
considerably in the past couple of years.  When I first joined the
Academy, my choice of companions was limited; now it is reduced to
none.  What would the Council think if they knew my playboy act was
precisely that - an act?  Dear God, what would Nanami think if she knew
her dear older brother was...

Problem is, she will know - eventually. Some things are inevitable; one
day, this mask will slip, and my greatest secret will become common
knowledge.  In the end, all secrets are revealed, including mine. 
Whether it will happen next week, next month, or next year, nobody can
know, but it will happen.

But will it happen before Revolution?

Revolution - what a beautiful word.  In one fell swoop, the wills of a
few change the face of the world, burning away the old not unlike a
crucible, leaving something new and wonderful in its wake.  This is the
nature of the world, the dreams of myself and my merry band, and what we
fervently hope for with baited breath.  

Sighing, I collapse onto my bed, and think of blue eyes.  That handsome
girl is more powerful than she realizes, more powerful than the Council
realizes.  I can sense it; she is the key to all of this - the key to
that great castle in the sky.  She is the missing part of our group;
most of us are too far concerned with our petty crusades to lead us
there.  With the great, innocent, impartial Anthy to protect, she might
take us there before the year is out.

That is why I cheer her on.  With her, it will not be long before
Revolution comes - and my daily torture can end.  Perhaps I can seek out
someone to share my life with, a strong person with pink hair and the
softest blue eyes... It's only a dream, of course, but dreams can become
reality.

If, of course, a person can stand a little revolution...

******************************************************************

I stare at the dark, blank ceiling, trying to lose myself in its
emptiness.  My bed seems to swallow me; I revel in the feeling of warmth
surrounding me.  Nearby, I can hear Chu-chu's gentle snoring; Anthy is
still awake, though she is almost ready to sleep.

The anger is fading - a little, anyway.  Some of it stays; not enough to
keep me up at night, but enough to give me focus.  Anthy hums to herself
quietly; her tune serves to fuel my emotions.

How could the Council do something like this?  They're toying with the
soul of an innocent girl, all for their stupid 'duelist' game.  They're
also playing games with me; I can't count the number of fights and
arguments I've gotten into over this.  It's almost like the members of
Ohtori are nothing more than pawns to them.  

It's a sick game, and I can't get out of it.

I can't even *stand* the Council, and yet I find myself increasingly
immersed in their warfare.  About the only one I can respect is Miki,
and that's because I at least have some understanding of where he's
coming from.  As for the others... a playboy, a psycho, and a demented
bitch about summarize them.  What they're doing is wrong, and I wish I
could make them stop.

Unfortunately, I can't.  They are the will of the school; what they say
goes.  I've heard about what happens to people who cross Jury; from what
I understand, the others could be just as bad if I challenged them. 
Moreover, I *can't* lose; I tried that with Saionji, and beat him
anyway.  No, all I can do is ride the storm out and hope they graduate
before Anthy ends up hurt or I end up skewered.  I pull the covers in
close, to shield from the chill that entered the room.  

"Anthy?"  The timidity of my voice surprises me.  

"Yes?"

"Good night."  Somehow, telling her that makes me feel better, like it
will assure us both of pleasant dreams.

There's a silence from Anthy's bed for a moment; Anthy never did rush
her words.  Finally it comes out, spoken with a sincerity no one else
could give.

"Good night, Utena-sama."

I smile, turn to my side, and close my eyes.  Maybe for a few hours, our
lives will be safe.

************************************************************************

Nicholas Leifker
nightelf@thekeep.org
http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic/index.html
February 10, 1999