Go for it...
Okay... just remember, you asked for it!
-----------------------
A martial artist enters a pet shop.
Ranma: Oi, I wish to register a complaint.
(Nabiki does not respond.)
Ranma: Hey, man?
Nabiki: What do you mean "man"?
Ranma: (pause) I'm sorry, I have problems determining gender. I wish
to make a complaint!
Nabiki: We're closing for lunch.
Ranma: Never mind that, my good woman. I wish to complain about this
P-Chan what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Nabiki: Oh yes, the, uh, the Japanese Dwarf Black... What's, uh...
What's wrong with it?
Ranma: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my good woman. It's dead,
that's what's wrong with it!
Nabiki: No, no, he's uh,... he's resting.
Ranma: Look, girl, I know a dead P-Chan when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
Nabiki: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable pig, the
Japanese Dwarf Black, ne? Beautiful pelt!
Ranma: The pelt don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Nabiki: Nononono, no, no! He's resting!
Ranma: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting
at the cage) 'Ello, Bacon Breath P-Chan! I've got a lovely young Tendo
sister for you to sleep with if you show... (Nabiki hits the cage)
Nabiki: There, he moved!
Ranma: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Nabiki: I never!!
Ranma: Yes, you did!
Nabiki: I never, never did anything...
Ranma: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO P-CHAN!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm
call! (Takes P-Chan out of the cage and thumps his head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Ranma: Now that's what I call a dead P-Chan.
Nabiki: No, no.....No, he's lost!
Ranma: LOST?!?
Nabiki: Yeah! You confused him, just as he was wakin' up! Japanese
Dwarf Blacks get lost easily, kohei.
Ranma: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of
this. That P-Chan is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not
half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was
due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged fit of
depression.
Nabiki: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for Fujisama.
Ranma: PININ' for FUJISAMA?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look,
why did he fall over on his side the moment I got 'im home?
Nabiki: The Japanese Dwarf Black prefers dozing on its side!
Remarkable pig, isn't, squire? Lovely pelt!
Ranma: Look, I took the liberty of examining that piglet when I got
it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting up
in the cage in the first place was that it had been TIED there with
this bandanna.
(pause)
Nabiki: Well, o'course it was tied there! If I hadn't tied that pig
down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, poked them with its
hoof, and BOOM! Bweeweeweewee!
Ranma: "BOOM"?!? Mate, this pig wouldn't "boom" if you put a
happodaikarin under it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Nabiki: No no! 'E's pining!
Ranma: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This P-Chan is no more! He
has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a
stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't tied'im to
the cage 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are
now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled
off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'
choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-P-CHAN!!
(pause)
Nabiki: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Nabiki: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and
uh, we're right out of P-Chans.
Ranma: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Nabiki: I got a slug.
(pause)
Ranma: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it "bwee"?
Nabiki: Nnnnot really.
Ranma: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Nabiki: Look, if you go to my sister's pet shop in Okayama, she'll
replace the P-Chan for you.
Ranma: Okayama, eh? Very well.
Ranma leaves.
Ranma enters the same pet shop. Nabiki is putting on a false
moustache.
Ranma: This is Okayama, is it?
Nabiki: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Sapporo.
Ranma: (looking at the camera) That's Japan Rail for you.
Ranma goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
Ranma: I wish to complain, Japan Rail Person.
Dr. Tofu: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Ranma: I beg your pardon...?
Dr. Tofu: I'm a qualified chiropractor and moxibustionist! I only
do this job because I like being my own boss!
Ranma: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Dr. Tofu: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these Python parodies out
to 200 lines, you know.
Ranma: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Okayama train and found
myself deposited here in Sapporo.
Dr. Tofu: No, this is Okayama.
Ranma: (to the camera) The pet shop woman's sister was lying!!
Dr. Tofu: Can't blame Japan Rail for that.
Ranma: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
(He does.)
Ranma: I understand this IS Okayama.
Nabiki: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Ranma: You told me it was Sapporo!
Nabiki: ...It was a pun.
Ranma: (pause) A PUN?!?
Nabiki: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the
same backwards as forwards?
Ranma: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Nabiki: Yeah, that's it!
Ranma: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Okayama" would
be "Amayako"!! It don't work!!
Nabiki: Well, what do you want?
Ranma: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer
as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too
silly...
---------------------------------
-- Bob
--
===============================================================================
Robert M. Schroeck || "When in trouble or in doubt,
rms@eclipse.net || Run in circles, scream and shout."
http://www.eclipse.net/~rms || I have no mouse and I must scream.
===============================================================================