In a message dated 99-03-02 20:34:57 EST, you write:

                                 CHAPTER 1
                           A new problem for Ranma
 
 
       Sitting crosslegged in his room at the Tendo home, Ranma held a 
 gold ring, with a ruby gem inset.  Holding by the thumb and index 
 finger he studied the ring carefully.  Suddenly the door slammed open 
 and Akane was standing there glowing red with anger and holding a 
 bokken.

Boken?  I see Akane is in a Kuno-esqe mood this morning...  Although I wonder
if there is any reason for her to need to take anything with her to this
particular conversation, since she whacks Ranma with whatever comes readily to
hand.
  

  	"RANMA!!" Akane yelled, "What do you think your doing?  We're 
 going to be late for class?"
 

Ranma:  I think I'm being hypnotized by this magic ring that some mysterios
benifactor claims is relates to my curse, you Kawaiikun tomboy!

Akane: Ranma no Baka! <<WHACK!>>

<Snip>  

       	Ranma-chan looked up sharply, "I'm fine Akane.  
 I'm..........."
 
       	Ranma's words got cut off as the ruby in the ring he was 
 wearing flashed a bright red and Ranma vanished.  The ring fell to the 
 ground with a ting.  Akane stunned looked around for Ranma.  She 
 unconciously picked the ring up and put it on her finger.
 

Hmm.  Given that Ranma was wearing said ring, when he dissapeared, I would
definatly CONCIOUSLY pick up the ring cause it might be a clue.  And I would
think Akane would be more concerned about Ranma's disapearance.    One gets
almost no impression of Akane looking for the vanished Ranma before she picks
up the ring.

Also grammatically speaking, its better english to use "were" instead of "got"
in the first sentance of this paragraph.  And "Stunned" should either be set
off by commas.

       	"Ranma?"  Akane called while rubbing the ruby of the ring 
 nervously.
 
       	A red smoke poured out of the ring and coalesced itself in 
 the form of Ranma-chan.  Ranma's clothes had underwent an alteration.  
 The blue pants were not blue harem pants and   the shirt was a red 
 halter top with a red vest.
 

the word "now" works better than the word "not", as does "undergone" for
"underwent".  Smoke should coalesce INTO a form, not in.  And blue and red
looks tacky.  very very tacky.  Since we have determined that the ring changes
Ranma-chan's clothes into a Jinn's outfit whenever she gets sucked into it,
might as well go the whole nine yards and make the outfit all one color.  It
would really look better.

       	"What is your wish master?"  Ranma-chan said invoulintary 
 and looking a bit stunned.
 

perhaps the terme "Glazed look" might better convey what your looking for
here?

        	"Ranma?!?!"  
 
 	Ranma looked down at herself and then Akane.  She put her hands in her 
 face and groaned.
 
 	"What happened to me?"  Ranma muttered.

I would think Ranama chan should be a lot more concerned about how err'...
Much more there is to see of herself in that outfit at first...  she seems way
to calm for what is going on here.

 
 	Akane just stood there dazed.
 
 	Noticing something, Ranma looked around in a panic, "The ring.  
 Where's that ring?"
 

Why should Ranma be worried about the ring at this point?  there are a lot of
other things to be shocked over at this point, and you have not put forward
any reason for Ranma-jin to realise just how important that ring is really
going to be.

 	"I...I h...h...have i...it R...Ranma," Akane stuttered, "I wish I knew 
 what was going on with you."
 
 	The ruby pulsed red as soon as she said those words.
 
 	A slightly dazed look came into Ranma's eyes and she said, "Wish 
 granted."

This makes it sound more like the RING is granting this wish, rather than
Ranma-Jin.  And 9 out of 10 stories agree that usuall the Jinn ususally DOES
something more than saying "wish granted".  Jeanie's eyeblinks are a good
example of this.  Perhaps something as simple as Ranma-Jin's eyes flashing the
same shade as the ruby as she says so.
  

 	Knowledge flooded into Akane's mind about what happened to Ranma and 
 what part the ring played in it.  Akane looked at the ring in horror.  A 
 bell chime distracted her and she looked at a distant clock.
 
 	*Oh great there's no way we're going to make it to school on 
 time.  Unless...,"Akane thought, "I'll explain it all to Ranma later."
 
 	Akane turned to Ranma and said, "Ranma I'm going to be saying 
 some things.  I'll explain what happened later.  Please remain quiet on 
 what just happened until I can explain"
 
 	"Er. Ah. Yeah," Ranma said still a little dazed at what she just said.
 
 	*Please fogive me, Ranma,* Akane thought before stating, "I wish that 
 you were back in your usual clothes.  I wish that we were at 
 school with you back in your male form."

 
Akane?  sorry?  that seems so OOC of Akane its not even funny.  Also though
she knows what is going on, It is STILL way to fast for the implications of
all this to really sink in.

 	"Wishes granted"

<snip>  

 
 	"Ranma.  I think we had better head over to Dr. Tofu's office.  I don't 
 think you want anybody to know what has happened to you," Akane said.
 
 	"hmmm," Ranma was puzzled for the moment, but quickly realized that 
 what Akane had suggested was the best option.  Nodding his acceptance, 
 Ranma walked alongside Akane
 

Ranma?  the original youve got to mallet him upside the head person to get an
idea in there person?  Basicly, I think Ranma, while confused about what
happened this morning would still not see it as a reason to see Dr Tofu, and
in fact might see telling ANYONE else about this to be a very bad idea.  And
sometimes it seems like Ranma disagrees with Akane just on general principles.
Either way, it seems like he caves in to akane way to fast here.

 	The two of them headed over to the dcotor's office. Kuno, Nabiki and 
 Ukyo saw the two of them head over to Tofu's, Kuno and Ukyo breathed a 
 sigh of relief.  To them, the nervousness was just because they were 
 trying to think of a way to get Kasumi and Dr. Tofu together.  Nabiki 
 wathced them with narrow eyes and tried to figure out what her sister 
 and Ranma were up to.

Kuno and Ukyo would never do this!  You know Kuno feels Ranma has no claim to
even be within 10 feet of Akane.  In fact, I dont think Kuno can lay eyes on
Ranma without either calling out "that vile sorcerer" to come and do battle or
pledging his undying love to the "pig tailed goddess"  And I sure dont see
Ukyo being calm about Akane going anywhere with "HER" fiancee.  Also, the
sentance structures in this paragraph are very unwieldly.  try breaking it so
that each distinct action on each persons part is a single sentance.

 
 	Akane and Ranma enetred Tofu's and saw that only Dr. Tofu was 
 there.

"Entered".  ALSO "And saw" is not the best use of the language.  If I was
writing this passage I would have said "Ranma and Akane entered Dr. Tofu's
office, noting with relief that they were the only people there."  something
important to note, since the way tofu speaks makes it sound like he is just
entering the same room as Ranma and akane.

 
 	"Ranma.  Akane," Tofu cheerfully greeted them, "What's the 
 problem today?"
 
 	Before Ranma could say anything, Akane said, "Dr. Tofu, we need a place 
 that we can speak confidentialy and your advice."
 
 	Dr. Tofu took one look at Akane's face, went over to the door and 
 flipped the sign around from open to closed.
 
 	"What's the problem?" Dr. Tofu asked
 
 	Akane looked at Ranma and said, while holding out her hand, "It's this 
 ring.  It did something to Ranma."

  
"Its done", not "it did"

 	Tofu looked at the ring curiously, while Ranma felt very nervous.
 
 	"I can't see anything special about it," Tofu said
 
 	Akane saw a glass of water nearby.  She quickly picked it up and 
 splashed Ranma.
 
 	"What ya do that for?"  Ranma sputtered
 
 	"To show Dr. Tofu something and explain what happened to you,"  
 Akane said.  She touched Ranma with the ruby and Ranma turned into soft 
 red smoke.  The smoke was pulled inside the ring.
 

continutiy alert.  Your going to have to explain why this time she was turned
into smoke and SLOWLY sucked into the ring, when the first time this occured,
it happened so fast it was like she vanished.

 	Tofu, startled, asked, "What happened?"
 
 	"I'd better get Ranma out first," Akane responde while rubbing 
 the ring.
 
 	Smoke poured out of the ring and Ranma-chan reformed from it 
 wearing the harem outfit she wore the first time this happened.
 
 	Ranma backed away from Akane nervously and said, "Wh..what's 
 going on?"

Having just been summoned from her imprisonment, Her automatic first words as
part of her now Jin nature should be "yes master", just like last time.  and I
would suggest flat out saying "Red smoke poured from the ring, and reformed
into Ranma-chan, once again wearing the outfit from that morning".  it really
reads much better than what you have here.

 
 	Looking at Ranma with sympathy in her eyes,  Akane said, "This 
 ring interacted with your Jusenkyo curse and turned your female form 
 into a genie.   While female you have to obey whoever weild this ring.  
 If you touch the ring while female, you'll get sucked inside.  Whoever 
 made this ring, decided that everytime you come out of the ring, you 
 will be wearing clothes like those.  You can will them back to normal."
 

And this idiot doesnt think to question this?  IM NOT SAYING THAT SHE DOESNT
AGREE WITH Akane eventiually, but this IS ranma we are talking about... and
s/he is almost as pigheaded as Akane.

 	Ranma quickly concetrated on changing her clothes back into the Chinese 
 clothes she normaly wears.  The clothing shifted and morphed until they 
 were back to normal.

seems unwieldy.  and since its such a simple thing, one would think it could
be done with a lot less trouble.  perhaps a small flash of light, instead.
and it should be "wore" not "wears",

 
 	"I have to obey all your commands?" Ranma asked while thinking, *Oh 
 man.  What did I do to deserve this?  If pops or even the lech get hold 
 of that ring�* 
 
 	"Only when I'm wearing the ring and you're female.  I think we'd better 
 keep quiet about this.  Think what would happen if Kuno, Cologne or even 
 Happosai found out," Akane responded
 
 	"Right,"  Ranma-chan said.  The thoughts of any of thos getting the 
 ring was enough to make her sweat.  Even the thoughts of Shampoo and 
 Ukyo getting ahold of that ring were nerve racking.

"those people", not thos.  Thoughts should be in the singular ie THOUGHT, and
"the" ring, not that ring, and "was nerve wracking at best".

 
 	Dr. Tofu said, "Akane, be very careful with that kind of power.  Ranma, 
 I am very sorry for you.  I won't tell anyone about this."  Dr. Tofu 
 sorrowfully looked at Ranma.
 
 	Akane nodded and headed for the door.  Ranma quickly caught up to her.  
 She looked at Dr. Tofu and hoped that he wouldn't babble in front of 
 Kasumi about this.
 
 	Wistfully, Akane whispered, "I sure wish that Dr. Tofu won't tell 
 Kasumi."

"Doesnt", not wont

 
 	Ranma smirked slightly and whispered, "Wish granted.  He won't 
 remember any of this while Kasumi's around."
 
 	Akane glared at him and said, "Could'nt you have made it so that he 
 wouldn't go crazy whenever Kasumi's around."
 
 	"That wasn't what you wished for."
 
 	"OOOHHH!!" Akane said while she slapped Ranma with her right 
 hand.
 
 	Ranma was quickly sucked back into the ring.
 
 	Akane glared at the ruby and said, "Fine stay in there.  See if I 
 care."
 
 	While Akane walked home she thought to herself, *Ranma, you jerk.  What 
 kind of mess have you brought upon on us now.*
 
 	Akane brought her hand up so she could examine the ring.  After a 
 second she clenched her right hand into a fist and swung her arm down to 
 her side.  An itch had developed under the ring.  Her anger disipated 
 towards Ranma while she continued walking.
 
 	*It would be so easy to just wish away all the problems, but it 
 wouldn't be fair to Ranma,* Akane thought to herself sadly
 
 	Inside the ring, Ranma was thinking, *Great.  I'm the slave of that 
 violent tomboy.  Well, let's see what other options are there.  Kasumi? 
 No, she'd let Nabiki use my power.  Dr. Tofu?  Everytime Kasumi is 
 around he could babble some weird wish that I would have to fufill. 
 ARRGH!!! I have to wear this crazy costume while I'm in here.*
 
 	Ranma remained silent for a second, before she realized something, 
 *Well at least here's one good thing about this entire mess.  It's 
 peaceful in here.  Maybe I can practice my martial arts in here without 
 being interrupted by Shampoo's 'Wo no dai airen' and Ryoga attacking me 
 for the slightest provocation.*
 
 	Ranma-chan looked around her enviorment and decide to start with basic 
 katas to get the feel of her new home.  She looked up at the red sky and 
 hoped she would be up to the new challenges that faced her.
 
 

Now this seems more like Akane, and Ranma.  


Overall this piece could use a bit more polishing before general release.
While there is quite a bit of room for improvement, both in the techincial
writing style, and in the story concept itself, all in all it still definatly
has strong reading potential.