Hi! Sorry for taking so long to C&C this... I spent the last week latch-hooking for a fundraiser, and thereby completely lost any last vestiges of free time I might have had.
On Wed, 24 Feb 1999 13:47:38 Wesley Bridges wrote:
Fushigi Yuugi: The Return of the White Tiger
By Wesley Bridges
Based upon the Fushigi Yuugi series and characters by Yu Watasei
Watase Yuu? (or Yuu Watase, if you prefer that order)
Chapter 2: Of White Tigers and Deadly Flowers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sun rose high over the capital city of Sairo
Sairo,
bringing with
it the high temperatures of the arid country.
Hmmm... for some reason I don't like this sentence... call it personal preference. How about:
The sun rose high over the capital city of Sairo, bringing with it the usual high temperatures of this arid country.
At the Temple of
Byakko, Eki knelt in front of a large golden statue of a tiger.
Beside her sat a man, appearing in his early twenties or so
so,
with
long brown hair.
"He still hasn't come back, Tatara," Eki said softly.
"I'm sure he's fine," Tatara assured her.
"Its
It's
been three days since he left... and its
it's
not like Kagatsu
not to tell me where he's going."
Um... it's not like Kagatsu to not tell me... I think sounds better. Less awkward, a bit. Whatever ^_^
"I'm sure he has his reasons. Have faith in him."
"Hey, Tatara..."
"Hmm?" he replied
"Do... do you have faith in him?"
"Well...," Tatara said
said,
smiling a bit, "he is someone special to
you,
you;
that can't make him all that bad. You must have faith in
him
him,
as I do with Suzuno."
"I will." Eki said smiling,
"I will," Eki said, smiling,
then walked out of the room.
****************************************************
Several li from the capital city, Kagatsu, Akiya
Akiya,
(you technically can leave out this comma, I think, but it's better to keep it in... otherwise there's too much of a connection between Akiya and the guards, as if they're part of one unit)
and the two
Konan guards rode through the hot desert on weary horses. The
sun was just beginning to make the desert a blazing ocean of
sand, but the four travelers continued onward.
"There is a small village a little way off our path northward."
Kagatsu said
northward," Kagatsu said,
reassuring his horse. "I would suggest we rest there
until nightfall. Sairo is still a fair distance away."
"We need extra supplies of water if we wish to reach Sairo as
well." One
well," one
of the guards mentioned.
"I figured as much," Kagatsu said
said,
veering northward. "We'd better
be off before our horses faint on us."
^_^ I liked this bit
After about a half an hour of pushing their horses as far as
they could go, they reached a small village of clay-like
buildings.
"This is the village of Shouju," Kagatsu said, dismounting. "This
is one of the last places to get supplies and shelter until the
capital."
Hmm... sounds a bit awkward. How about:
"This is one of the last places where we can get supplies and shelter until we reach the capital."
BTW, are you going to give Sailo's capital a name? (I don't think its name is ever mentioned in FY, so you should be free to make one up -- correct me if I'm wrong. I know in Fushigi Soudan we called it Mou Tu for no good reason ^_^)
"Everything looks so peaceful here," Akiya said, looking at the
villagers going about thier
their
lives,
lives;
(at least, I think so. I could be wrong. But otherwise the sentence seems too much like a run-on...)
"so much different from home."
"I suppose," Kagatsu said, not fully understanding Akiya's
statement. "Anyway, let us make our arrangements and get some
rest."
After a few minutes of wandering the town, the group came to a
small inn and tavern in the center of town.
You repeat "town" in this sentence, so it seems a bit repetitive...
"Hey, look at the pretty lady," a drunken man said, as Akiya
entered the tavern.
"Yeeeaah," another man said, "she shur ish a fine catch!"
"Don't mind them," Kagatsu said softly. "Just keep your eyes
ahead and try not to do anything to encurage
encourage
them."
The four made their way to the back counter to see about renting
a room or two until nightfall. Many more drunks joined in the
chorus attempting to allure
lure
Akiya away from her guards, but none
attempted to approach due to the armed guards around her. Finally,
the group reached the counter.
"Do you have two rooms available?" Kagatsu asked the man behind
the counter.
"Sure do," the man replied. "It'll be one silver tiel a night.
Is that alright?"
"That will be fine."
fine,"
Kagatsu said, handing the man two coins.
"The rooms will be ready in a few minutes."
"Thank you."
The four waited around the counter
counter,
not wanting to draw any more
attention then
than
they had already. After about ten minutes, the
man told them their rooms were ready and led them upstairs to
the rooms.
A bit repetitive; that last bit with "to the rooms" is IMHO unnecessary.
"Enjoy your stay," the man said, then quickly walked back
downstairs.
Akiya opened up one of the rooms and walked inside
inside,
though, IMHO, I'd put
and walked inside; she was followed by...
followed by
Kagatsu and the two guards. The room was simple with a bed, and
a low table for writing.
Hmmm... I don't know, that last sentence seemed a bit flat. How about:
The room was furnished very simply, its only furniture a bed and a low table meant for writing.
"Oh look!" Akiya said
"Oh, look!" Akiya said,
walking to the bed,
bed.
"This flower... its
it's
gorgeous!"
IMHO, you should describe the flower before Akiya sees it. For example, when you describe the room, you should say something like:
On the bed, strangely enough, was a flower. Its fleshy, white petals... or, It had many rosy-hued delicate petals... or... whatever the flower looks like. Actually, I couldn't find a physical description of this flower anywhere in your story, except for the fact that it's "gorgeous."
And maybe you should describe how the flower smells... if, that is, it has a scent. Appeal to all the senses you can!
"Don't touch that flower!" Kagatsu yelled
yelled,
just getting a glimpse
of the flower Akiya was reaching for.
"But...," Akiya began, freezing in position.
"That flower is known as a Desert Lotus. They do not grow anywhere
around this part of Sairo. They are highly poisonous,
poisonous;
just by
exposing your skin to the secreations
secretions
of its petals, a human will
die."
Awfully technical, eh? Like he's reading from an encyclopedia or something. How about:
"They're so poisonous that it'll only take one touch of the petals to kill you."
"Who would do such a thing?" one of the guards asked.
"I don't know, but it is a safe bet it has to do with that group
from earlier."
"I thought you killed them all."
all,"
Akiya said, shying away from the
bed.
"Before I could, one of the ninjas that threw the stars at us
dashed off. Who ever
Whoever
they are, it is you they're after."
"But what did I do to them?"
"I don't know. We'll check the other room,
room;
if nothing is in there
there,
you'll stay in it. The guards and I will take turns guarding your
room."
"Alright," Akiya said, walking to the door. "Kagatsu..." she said
"Kagatsu...," she said,
pausing at the door.
"What is it?"
"What did you do... back then?"
"Like I told you before, don't worry about it. You'll learn soon
enough."
Akiya and the guards left the room and went next door to check
the other room.
Repetitious; try not to use "room" so much in the same sentence.
*So... this is why, Byakko?* Kagatsu thought. *Is this why you
chose me? I see my purpose now, but... what of all the others?
Eki..., the other three Seishi... I've kept this secret from them.
I've even denied my position to myself. Am I truly ready to serve
as one of your seven?*
Kagatsu snapped out of his thought process
Sounds kind of awkward and technical; I like to use the word "reverie," myself, but it's not really appropriate here ^_^ How about:
Kagatsu's thoughts were interrupted when a...
as a large thud came
from the room next door. Not knowing the cause of the noise, he
instantly sprang into action and rushed out of the room.
"Wait a minute!" the guard said
said,
trying to prevent Kagatsu from
entering.
Kagatsu burst past the two guards, opened the the door
door,
and rushed
inside to see Akiya in nothing but her underwear
Akiya, wearing nothing but her underwear,
just getting up
off the floor. Kagatsu's face blazed with heat as the blood rushed
into it. He spun around quickly to try to minimize the situation.
How about:
minimize the embarassment (I always spell that word wrong!) of the situation.
"Kaga...tsu?
"Kaga...tsu?"
Akiya said as she stood up.
"Um... I'm sorry about that... are you... alright?"
"I'm fine,
fine;
is something wrong?"
"Well, um, you're..."
"Oh, uh... I was just going to take a bath, when I tripped over
something."
something,"
Akiya said, blushing, as she became aware of her lack
of clothing.
I should think she'd have noticed before now! I know I would... ^_^
"Oh..., well... Enjoy your bath, and get some rest. You'll need
it for this evening."
evening,"
Kagatsu said, then left quickly.
*Kagatsu... he
I'd start a new sentence here:
*Kagatsu.... He
keeps trying to be so distant, but there's
something about him...,* Akiya thought
thought,
returning to her bath,
bath.
*It's probably nothing. It's probably just my imagination, but...*
*************************************************
Kagatsu walked back upstairs after almost a half an hour of asking
if anyone saw anyone going upstairs other than the caretakers.
Whoa! That's a mouthful. Maybe you should break it up into two sentences, or make an entire paragraph out of it.
After
negative results, he asked the caretakers if they knew or had seen
anything peculiar. Again, he learned nothing. As he came to Akiya's
room, he saw the two guards, still standing at attention, guarding
the door.
"Alright," Kagatsu said
said,
approaching the guards. "You're on a trip
too,
too;
I'll relieve you guys for a while."
"But..." one of the guards said.
"Look, its
it's
both of our jobs to protect her.
That sounds a little funny. How about:
Look; both of us have the job of protecting her.
Your orders come from
your emperor,
emperor;
mine... from a higher source. Take a break and
enjoy yourselves for a while. She'll be safe with me."
"Th... thank you." the guards said, then slowly walked off.
Kagatsu lightly knocked on Akiya's door
door,
seeing if she was up. There
was no reply, so he decided to check on her. He opened the door
quietly to find her asleep.
*Good, she's asleep,* Kagatsu thought.
He's doing a very good job of stating the obvious! Maybe if, instead, he thought about how good it was that she was asleep; how much she needs the rest, that kind of thing.
Kagatsu stayed in the room a while, and from time to time noticed
her toss
tossing
(I think. ^_^)
in her sleep as if having bad dreams.
as if she were having bad dreams.
*She must be having a rough time,* Kagatsu thought. *I can't say
I blame her,
her;
being in a foriegn
foreign
world, being attacked...*
As Kagatsu opened the door to check on the guards, Akiya awoke.
"Kagatsu?" Akiya said, as she sat up.
"Yes?" he answered stopping
answered, stopping.
How about:
answered, stopping in his tracks.
or
answered, stopping in the doorway.
"I... I thought it was you. Somehow, I knew you were here... where
are you going?"
here.... Where are you going?"
"Just to check on the guards. I'm relieving them for a while."
"Oh... um... come back quickly, ok?
"okay?" or "OK?"
I don't know what it is, but
when you're around... I feel... safe."
"Don't worry," Kagatsu said. "I won't be gone long."
Kagatsu slipped out the door and closed it behind him. He didn't
have to go far to find the guards, who were sitting in the next
room playing a game of Mah Jong. Glad the guards were close by in
the event something acutally
actually
happened, and because they seemed to
be enjoying themselves a little, Kagatsu went back to Akiya's room
and found her asleep again. He took a chair near the table and
sat down by the foot of the bed.
*Why do I get the feeling that this is wrong?* Kagatsu thought.
*I know I'm supposed to protect her, but... something feels strange
being here when she's sleeping... and from what happened earlier.
That last phrase sounds a bit strange, and doesn't really fit with the rest of the sentence. Maybe you should make it into another sentence talking about how the earlier incident (I'm assuming the one where Kagatsu burst into the room while Akiya was undressed? You should be clearer about that) felt strange to him, or whatever.
Eki has been like a little sister to me, but we've grown up since
those days... but something about Akiya and Eki... makes what I'm
doing right now seem... wrong. Why is that? Why do these things
keep happening to me?*
Kagatsu's thoughts soon made him weary, and he found himself
falling asleep in the chair.
****************************************************
Several hours passed,
passed;
soon Kagatsu's eyes jerked open
open,
and he
stood up quickly.
*Something's not right.*
right,*
Kagatsu thought. *There is a hostile
presence nearby.*
Kagatsu quietly walked to the door to the room
That's a bit repetitive in sentence structure.
and opened it.
The halls were empty and the sun had just sunk under the horizon.
'below the horizon' is, I think, the correct way of saying it... I think ^_^
Looking off the balcony, Kagatsu saw that the bar was crowded
with people drinking and enjoying themselves.
"Kagatsu?" Akiya said
said,
awakening.
"Right here."
here,"
Kagatsu said from the doorway.
"Is everything all right? I suddenly got this sensation that
something bad happened."
"Its
It's
alright. You stay here,
here;
I'll go check things out. I won't be
long."
"Alright."
Kagatsu slipped out the door and quietly shut it behind him. He
walked over to the next room to look in at the guards. Both were
on the floor, appearantly
apparently
sleeping, by the table where they were
playing a Mah Jong game, which looked unfinished.
Run-on sentence; how about:
by the table where an unfinished game of Mah Jongg was laid out.
Kagatsu walked to the closer of the two and knelt down.
"Hey." Kagatsu said
"Hey," Kagatsu said,
shaking the guard a little. "Will you wake
up already?"
Kagatsu rolled the guard on his back and saw a pale face with a
blank stare.
*Dead?* Kagatsu thought
thought.
*How can that be? No signs of struggle.*
Kagatsu checked the body carefully. He lived with his father
He lives with his father at the present time? If not, then it should be something like:
His father had been a well-trained doctor, and Kagatsu had helped out with patients every now and then, so he'd learned several things about anatomy and human physiology. Also, with his ninja training, he'd learned a bit about dead bodies as well.
(or something like that ^_^)
who
was a well trained doctor, and he helped out with patients every
now and then, so he learned several things, and with his ninja
training, he knew a bit about dead people as well.
The guard's body had no open wounds what-so-ever.
whatsoever.
Kagatsu looked
over the arms and the hands. The guard's skin was cold and clammy,
and the fingertips were blue with a yellowish tinge about them.
*Poisoned?* Kagatsu thought. *There's
There are
no open wounds, and the
hands look strange, but how was it administered? The fingers are...*
Kagatsu's eyes went straight to the unfinished Mah Jong game. He
quickly went back to Akiya's room where he found her held by a
man in a mask dressed in black.
To eliminate repetition of "in", how about:
a masked man dressed in black.
"Well, now, look what we have here."
here,"
the man said. "Is this your
friend, little girl?"
"Let her go."
go,"
Kagatsu said, swords drawn.
"Not so fast, Shenchi. Put down your weapons, or I will kill her.
It matters not to my superiors."
"Shenchi? I'm sorry, but you have the wrong person. Now let her
go."
"Drop your weapons."
Kagatsu placed his swords on the ground.
"Ha. Did you really think I would let her go?"
"Of course not, but I would recomend it."
"Oh, and just what are you going to do to me, Shenchi?"
"I told you. That's not my name."
name,"
Kagatsu said, focusing his
energies. Power rushed through him as a warm feeling eminated
emanated
from
his right shoulder. Several moments later, Kagatsu faded out of
sight.
"Huh?" The
the
man said, looking around frantically. "Wh... where'd
he go?"
The man slowly made his way to the door with a struggling Akiya.
Just as he began through it though,
Just as he began walking through it, though,
three throwing stars flew through
the air behing him. The first one hit the middle of his back
back,
causing
the muscles in his arms to spasm and release their grip on Akiya.
The second pierced the back of his knee sending him to the ground.
As his knees hit the ground, the thrid
third
dug deep into the base of
his neck, and the man fell to the ground, dead.
Wouldn't he have yelled out in pain, or something, before this? Just wondering ^_^
Akiya looked down at the man who once held her captive,
How about:
Akiya looked down at the man who'd just been holding her captive,
then to
Kagatsu
Kagatsu,
who now stood visible several feet behind him. She ran
up to him
Is there any way of replacing this particular "him" with words that describe Kagatsu uniquely? Such as "her protector" or... some kind of physical description of Kagatsu?
You know, I have no idea what any of the characters look like... ^_^;;;
and hugged him.
"Hey... uh, Wh... what was that for?" Kagatsu asked
asked.
"Thank you." Akiya said
you," Akiya said,
pulling away. "I.. its
it's
just that I was
scared... and you are the first person here who actually... I mean
mean,
I feel..."
"Don't worry about it. Come on, we'd best get moving. Don't take
anything,
anything;
we'll purchase new rations and water supplies."
"Why
"Why;
what happened?"
"The guards who were with you have been poisoned. We can't take
the chance any
the chance that any
of our possessions have been poisoned as well."
"A...alright."
*****************************************************
Under the watchful eye of the moon sitting just above the horizon,
Kagatsu and Akiya left on thier
their
horses
horses,
heading west toward the
capital city. The desert wes
was
still warm from the heat of the day,
but it was quickly cooling down
down,
providing almost perfect travel
conditions. Both traveled without saying a word for almost an hour;
Kagatsu in front, and Akiya following at a small distance.
"Alright." Kagatsu said
"Alright," Kagatsu said,
breaking the silence,
silence.
"What's on your mind?"
"Huh?" Akiya asked
asked,
surprised. "What do you mean?"
"You've
"You
haven't spoken a word ever since we left the inn, so what's
on your mind?"
"Oh... nothing... its
It's
just that... that man back there... he seemed
so sure of who you were.... I'm probably just paranoid."
I think there are too many ellipses in that sentence; I'd cut out a couple.
"I keep many secrets about myself, some of which I've never told
another soul. Someday soon, these secrets will have to come out,
so now I will explain to you whatever the man had told you
previously about me."
"I... its ok, really. You don't have to..."
"Don't worry,
worry;
there are others who know this much about me. See,
the art of ninjitsu is not taught very many places outside of a
true clan. Events happened in my childhood which made me seek the
skills of the ninja, and so at the age of nine, I joined a clan.
The clan's purpose was supposed to be to foil the assassinations
and other high crimes comitted by other clans, so I trained there
for six years. Then I discovered that this clan,
clan
was actually part
of another. A clan that took young idealists, such as myself, and
warped their minds until they no longer cared. After that, I tried
my best to leave the clan, but I knew that since I knew the true
intentions of the clan, I couldn't leave alive.
Okay, by the beginning of this sentence, I think you've overused the word "clan," so it starts to get repetitive.
During a mission
that was going bad... I faked my death, and never again returned
to the clan, instead putting my skills to more useful applications."
"But why did he call you Shenchi?" Akiya asked
asked,
after a pause.
"Shenchi is my birth name. I have no care for it. My foster father
nick named
nicknamed
me Kagatsu when I was young, so I adopted it as my
real name."
"I see."
"Hey, cheer up a bit
bit,
will you? Like I said, I've been putting my
skills to better uses, and right now that's protecting you. That
I can gaurentee
guarantee
will not change. I can also guarentee
guarantee
that you
will learn the rest of what I'm holding back in a few days or so.
I just need some time, ok?"
okay?"
"Ok." Akiya said smiling with satisfaction.
"Okay," Akiya said,
The two riders came to the top of a rocky outcropping from which
the desert sloped down from quickly.
from which the desert sloped down quickly.
In the distance, a large
spread of lights indicated a city was down below.
"That is the capital." Kagatsu said
capital," Kagatsu said,
pointing to the cluster of
lights.
"It looks so beautiful from here... just like a cluster of stars."
"We'll get there in about an hour. When we arrive, I'll take you
to the Emperor. If he accepts you as the returning Byakko no
Miko, then surely he will arrange for your stay."
"Do you think I could be Byakko no Miko?"
"Emperor Hotohori may be young, but he is very wise when it comes
to the prophecy of the Miko. Along with my own reasons, I would
be the first to address you as priestess."
"Thank you... for your support."
"Its
It's
my pleasure." Kagatsu said
pleasure," Kagatsu said,
smiling a little.
****************************************************
Eki and Tatara knelt before the large golden statue of Byakko
in the prayer room of the temple. A knock broke the silence within
the room, and a guard dressed in the Imperial Guard uniforms
uniform
of
Sairo entered and stood quietly in the back. Tatara and Eki
finished their prayers and turned to the visitor.
"Pardon my intrusion, but the emperor has declared the appearance
of another Byakko no Miko!" the guard reported.
"What?!" Tatara and Eki excalimed
exclaimed
in unison.
"He did not believe it at first, but as the guards were going to
take the girl and her companion away, a white light surrounded the
girl and pushed the guards away. When the guards were inspected,
strange claw marks appeared where they were
where they had been
hit."
"Where is she now?" Tatara asked
asked.
"She and her companion are being led to the temple as we speak."
speak,"
the guard said, then exited.
"Do you think it could be Suzuno?" Eki asked quietly.
"I don't know, but I hope so."
so,"
Tatara replied.
Tatara and Eki walked out the the
out to the
main hall of the temple and were
soon joined by an elderly woman and man.
How about:
by an elderly couple.
"Subaru, Tokaki, did you hear?" Eki asked excited.
"Yes, we just heard. Is it really true?" Subaru answered.
Just then the doors opened and two imperial guards walked in and
then stepped aside. Then Kagatsu and Akiya entered the temple.
How about:
Just then, the doors opened, and two imperial guards walked in and stepped aside. Then, Kagatsu and Akiya entered the temple.
"Kagatsu!" Eki exclaimed
exclaimed,
running up and hugging him. "Don't you
dare worry me like that again!" she said as she proceeded to
pound on him.
"Relax! I won't it
I won't! It
just sorta... happened."
happened,"
Kagatsu replied.
"Wow... she is soooo sexy."
sexy,"
Tokaki said quietly. "But not as
sexy as you, honey." he added quickly alieviating
honey," he added quickly, alleviating
the quelling
anger in the woman beside him
"And you are?" Tatara asked Akiya.
"I'm Akiya. Akiya Byasune."
Byasune,"
So... you're using the order of Given name - Family name?
she replied timidly.
"The Emperor has declared her Byakko no Miko who has returned after
ninety years." one of the guards proclaimed
Miko, who has returned after ninety years," one of the guards proclaimed.
"Oh..." Tatara said
"Oh...," Tatara said,
slightly disappointed. "Ah, sorry. I am
Tatara."
Tatara,"
he said over his disappointment. "This is Subaru, and
Tokaki.."
Tokaki...."
"And I'm Eki" Eki said
Eki," Eki said,
waving happily.
"Yes."
"Yes,"
Tatara continued. "We are four of the Byakko seven."
"Byakko seven?" Akiya asked.
"Yes, seven celestial warriors who protect Byakko no Miko, and
with the power Byakko has entrusted to each of the seven, will
grant the power to summon Byakko to the priestess.
I would make this last bit into a complete sentence.
"Yes, the seven celestial warriors who protect Byakko no Miko. With the power Byakko has entrusted to each of the seven, they can grant the priestess the power necessary to summon Byakko."
Or something like that, anyway ^_^
Tokaki,
Subaru
Subaru,
and I are reminants
remnants
>from the seven who summoned Byakko
ninety years ago."
"Then that would mean..."
"Yes, we are over one hundred years old. Eki,
Eki
is the first and only
of the new seishi that have
seishi who have
come here. You must find the rest
of the Byakko seven. The names of the Byakko seven are:
A bit repetitive. How about:
Their names are Tatara, etc.
Tatara,
Subaru, Tokaki, Ekie, Kagasuki, Amefuri, and Toroki. The last
three are yet to be found."
"I understand."
understand,"
Akiya said.
"Good, then I'll show you to your room."
Akiya followed Tatara, who motioned the other three seishi to
follow as well. After walking a ways down the hallway, they opened
a door to a decently sized bedroom. Akiya walked over to the bed
and layed
laid (I think; this is another of the verbs that I often get mixed up... ^_^;;)
upon it while the four seishi sat around a table.
"There are things we must discuss, now that another Miko has
arrived."
arrived,"
Tatara said.
"Yes, we must now protect the Shinzaho as well as her."
her,"
Tokaki
replied.
"There is no mistaking that she is the Miko. Her chi is much to
too
strong for there to be any mistaking it."
it,"
Subaru added.
"Akiya, how did you get to Sairo?" Eki asked
asked,
looking to the bed.
No reply came from Akiya
Akiya,
as she lay asleep.
"Let her rest."
rest,"
Tatara said. "Much of this must be discussed
amongst ourselves anyway."
****************************************************
In the main hall of the temple, Kagatsu waited for a while before
deciding to leave.
"If anyone is looking for me, tell them I've gone to the spring."
spring,"
Kagatsu told a guard on his way out.
"Will do."
do,"
the guard replied.
The spring was a small pool of water just south of the city. Being
very arid,
The way you've worded this phrase, it sounds like the spring is arid ^_^;; How about:
Since Sailo was a very arid country,
or
Since the country was very arid,
such springs were very rare, and generally had cities
nearby. Kagatsu stared into the clear waters
waters,
watching his reflection
which stared back with the same distant look.
*I should have told them.*
them,*
he thought. *Its
It's
not like it would have
mattered anyway.*
Kagatsu rolled the sleeve of his right arm up and undid the old
bandages that he had placed there the previous evening. He took
some of the water and washed the dried blood away
away,
cooling the
healing wounds. As the dried blood washed away, a white character
glowed dimly on his shoulder. Kagatsu then rolled down his sleeve
and continued to stare into the water.
Two general comments:
1. The dialogue is a bit wooden... a bit too technical and proper, at times. When you're writing dialogue, think about how *you'd* say the phrases; think about how you and your friends would say them if you were in the same situations as your characters (and *not* reading from some sort of script! ^_^). Try to make all the dialogue flow more naturally.
2. Give an idea of the emotions of the characters. We can hear their dialogue, and hear their thoughts sometimes, and see their actions; now tell us how they feel about what they're doing, saying, and seeing. Use adjectives, or use phrases that describe what they're feeling. You did this fairly well in the scene where Akiya met Eki and Tatara and the others.
And keep up the good work!
Megan Jones bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
"That is a shecret." -If Sean Connery dubbed Xelloss
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