Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi / Shogakukan * Kitty Film * Fuji TV.
    Exclusively licensed throughout the United States and Canada by Viz
    Communications, Inc.  
Monty Python (c) Python Productions limited

	This fan fiction is for private home use only; it may be freely
redistributed, but not altered or used for profit.

	This is a third and final version of a un-named, but famous Monty Python
sketch to silence all those [Ranma 1/2] [Monty Python] posters. I swear, no
more!! Hopefully, this will prompt them to do something far more
constructive with their time, like pirana training. Due to the identity of
the protaginists, it is rated slightly limeish for those with filthy minds.

	As usual, C&C and MST welcome, with flames cheerfully ignored

============================================================================
==============
The Dead Pussy Sketch
============================================================================
==============

	Happosai walks into the Tendo Dojo carrying a dead cat in a cage. The cat
is white with black tips and a purple lock of hair on its head. He strolls
to the lounge-room where Akane tries to hide behind a couch.

Happosai: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.... Hello, Sir?

Akane: What do you mean, Sir?

Happosai: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Akane: Sorry, I'm just about to train with Ranma, it'll have to wait.

Happosai: Never mind that, Akane, I wish to complain about this cat what I
purchased not 	 	   half an hour ago from this very dojo.

Akane: Oh, yes, the Chinese purple-crested, very rare, what's wrong with it?

Happosai: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's #dead#, that's what's
wrong with it!

Akane: No, no, it's resting, look (*cat does not move*)

Happosai: Look, Akane, I know a dead pussy when I see one and I'm looking
at one right 	   #now#.

Akane: No, no, Happosai, it's not dead, it's resting.

Happosai: #Resting#?

Akane: Yeah, remarkable cat, the Chinese crested, beautiful fur, innit?

Happosai: The fur doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!

Akane: No, no, it's just resting.

Happosai: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts into
cage*) Hello, 	   cat! Ranma's here and wants to profess his undying love
to you! (*no response 	   from cat*)

Akane: (*Jogging cage*) There, it moved!

Happosai: No, she didn't. That was you pushing the cage!

Akane: I did not!

Happosai: Yes, you did. (*takes cat out of cage, shouts*) Hello, pussy,
pussy (*bangs it 	 	   against counter*) Cat, wake up. cat-kun (*throws cat
in the air and lets her fall 	   to the floor) Now #that's# what I call a
dead pussy.

Akane: No, no, it's stunned. 

Happosai: Look, Akane, I've just about had enough of this (*takes out a
couple of bombs*). 	   This cat is definitely deceased. And when I bought
it not half an hour ago, you 	   assured me that her lack of movement was
due to it being tired out after ramen 	   deliveries.

Akane: It's probably pining for China.

Happosai: Pining for China, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it
fall flat on its 	 	   back the moment I got her home?

Akane: The Chinese crested prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful cat,
lovely soft fur.

Happosai: Look, I took the liberty of examining that cat, and I discovered
the only reason 	   that it had been sitting on its duff in the first
place, is that it had been 	   nailed there, by nasty barbed sharp nails!

Akane: Well, of course she was nailed there! Otherwise, it would muscle up
to those bars 	   	and *voom*!

Happosai: Look, Akane (*picks up one very stiff pussy*) this cat wouldn't
*voom* if I put 	   a HOT-ROD up its ass and went to work! (*proceeds to do
precisely that, with 	   	   absolutely #no# response from cat*. Happosai
sputters out before Shampoo can be 	   shaken into tiny little bits) It's
bleeding #demised#!

Akane: It's not, it's pining!

Happosai: It's not pining, it's passed on. This cat is no more. It has
ceased to be. It's 	   a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace (*Ranma
is heard in the background,  	 	   cheering*) If you hadn't nailed it to
the floor, it would be pushing up the 	 	   daisies. It's rung down the
curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an 	   	   #ex-pussy#.

Akane: Well, I'd better replace her, then. (*Akane flips the ex-cat over
her 	   	   	shoulder into the koi-pond).

Happosai: Hey, I hadn't finished with her (*proceeds to stuff pussy in his
panty bag*)

Akane: Sorry, Happosai, we're right out of cats. 

Happosai: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Akane: I've got a thing. (*background scene of Taro Pantyhose trying
frantically to escape 	from underneath the Rock of Gibralter*)

Happosai: Does it steal panties?

Akane: Not really, no. 

Happosai: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it. Oh, well, I'm
sure I can make a 	   decent meal out of him. I'll take him.

============================================================================
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Authors Notes

	Blame this whole sequence on an over-active imagination and not being able
to sleep because it was far too hot. Hopefully, the demons have been
exorcised, otherwise, you might be subjected to the "Nudge, Nudge, Wink,
Wink" sketch. You have been warned!!!


DESMOND AUER