Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi / Shogakukan * Kitty Film * Fuji TV.
    Exclusively licensed throughout the United States and Canada by Viz
    Communications, Inc.  
Monty Python (c) Python Productions limited

	This fan fiction is for private home use only; it may be freely
redistributed, but not altered or used for profit.

	This is a second version of a un-named, but famous Monty Python sketch to
silence all those [Ranma 1/2] [Monty Python] posters. Hopefully, they'll go
back to something more constructive. But seriously, I hope this tickles
people's funny bone.

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The Dead Panda Sketch
==============================================================================

	Nodoka walks into the Tendo Dojo carrying a dead Panda in a cage. The
Panda is holding a sign saying [Snore]. She walks to the lounge-room where
Nabiki tries to hide behind a couch.

Nodoka: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.... Hello, Sir?

Nabiki: What do you mean, Sir?

Nodoka: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Nabiki: Sorry, you'll have to pay me for that. 10,000 yen up front.
(*Nodoka hands her a 	  	 wad of notes*)

Nodoka: Never mind that, Nabiki, I wish to complain about this Panda what I
purchased not 	 half an hour ago from this very dojo.

Nabiki: Oh, yes, the Jusenko Cursed, very rare, what's wrong with it?

Nodoka: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's #dead#, that's what's
wrong with it!

Nabiki: No, no, it's resting, look (*Panda does not move, sign now says
[zzzzzz]*)

Nodoka: Look, Nabiki, I know a dead Panda when I see one and I'm looking at
one right 	 #now#.

Nabiki: No, no, Nodoka, it's not dead, it's resting.

Nodoka: #Resting#?

Nabiki: Yeah, remarkable Panda, the Jusenko Cursed, beautiful fur, innit?
And such a 	   	  beautiful beachball, too.

Nodoka: The fur doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!

Nabiki: No, no, it's just resting.

Nodoka: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts into
cage*) Hello, 	 Panda! I've got an all-you-can-eat banquet when you wake
up, Panda-chan!

Nabiki: (*Jogging cage*) There, it moved!

Nodoka: No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage!

Nabiki: I did not!

Nodoka: Yes, you did. (*takes Panda out of cage, shouts*) Hello, Panda,
Panda (*bangs it 	 	 against counter*) Panda, wake up. Panda-chan (*throws
Panda in the air and lets him  	 fall to the floor) Now #that's# what I
call a dead Panda.

Nabiki: No, no, it's stunned. 

Nodoka: Look, Nabiki, I've just about had enough of this (*unsheaths her
katana*). This 	 Panda is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not
half an hour ago, you 	 assured me that his lack of movement was due to it
being tired out after a 	 particulary heavy meal.

Nabiki: It's probably pining for China.

Nodoka: Pining for China, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall
flat on its 	 	 back the moment I got him home?

Nabiki: The Jusenko Cursed prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful Panda,
lovely soft fur.

Nodoka: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Panda, and I discovered
the only reason 	 that it had been sitting in its duff in the first place,
is that it had been nailed 	 there, by cheap, second-rate nails, no less!

Nabiki: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, it would muscle up
to those bars 	   	 and *voom*!

Nodoka: Look, Nabiki (*picks up a very stiff Panda*) this Panda wouldn't
*voom* if I put a 	 katana up its ass and twisted! (*proceeds to do
precisely that, with absolutely 	 #no# response from Panda*. Sign now reads
[ouch]) It's bleeding #demised#!

Nabiki: It's not, it's pining!

Nodoka: It's not pining, it's passed on. This Panda is no more. It has
ceased to be. It's 	 a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace (*Ranma is
heard in the 	background, 	 cheering*) If you hadn't nailed it to the
floor, it would be pushing up the 	 	 daisies. It's rung down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible. This is an #ex-	 Panda#.

Nabiki: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (*Nabiki flips the ex-Panda
over her 	   	   	 shoulder into the kitchen. Kasumi lets out a delighted
cry and a chainsaw is heard 	 starting up in the background. "Oh, goody,
Panda steaks for tea." Panda sign now 	 reads [Oh, boy, this is going to
hurt])

Nabiki: Sorry, Nodoka, we're right out of Pandas. 

Nodoka: I see. I see. I get the picture

Nabiki: I've got a cat. (*background scene of white cat with black tips and
a purple mane 	 trying frantically to escape from silk ropes*)

Nodoka: Does it speak Japanese?

Nabiki: Not really, no (*indignant caterwauling in Japanese with horrendous
Chinese accent 	 is heard in the backgound*) 

Nodoka: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it. Oh, well, I'm sure
Ranma will love 	 her. I'll take her.

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