HI,
Interesting idea. However the dialog is confusing.
Comments indicated by ##.



---UnderF4331@aol.com wrote:

     Insert generic disclaimers.
     C&C wanted, flames will be C&Ced.


Haircare
By Ryo Hoshi


     Not so long ago, in a faraway place called 

Nerima, my Great-great-

grandmother met with two men of the land whose children were soon to

marry.

     Now, my mother was married to the son of one of these men, and

they were

trying to find a way for her husband to marry his true love.
    So they made an arrangement: one of my mother's children would

marry one

of their grandchildren.

##I had to read this over several times to untangle it.
My personal perference would be to simplify.

    Twenty years have passed, and now my parents are taking me to

Nerima to

marry.  There's only one problem.
     I don't want to.
     But nobody cares about how I feel about it.
     I mean, if I wanted to get married, I'd marry Kogai -- not some
foreigner.  And Kogai's the village idiot.  My Father keeps saying

that he

can't believe that he was ever as bad as Kogai, back when he was

trying to

marry my Mother.
     I know, you are wondering who Kogai is, right?  Well, he's

probably the

stupidest man in the whole village.  He makes rocks look like

geniuses.  And

he has the biggest crush on me that I've seen yet.
     It is kinda fun to pound him into the ground, though.
     I have no choice in this, however.  I must leave my village and

go to

Japan.

##Cute. Although I'm not a fan of first person exposition. 

     At least I speak better Japanese then my parents...

     Up and down and up and down and up...
     Oh, lord, how I hate ships.  I hate them I hate them I HATE THEM.
     I think I'm gonna be seasick.
     I wonder what he's going to think of my curse.
     It could be worse.  Kogai could be coming with us.
     I really think I'm gonna be seasick...

     I am never going to walk on board a ship again.
     I know, however, that this means that I'm likely to have to

stay in Japan

for the rest of my life, but I don't care.
     My name is Brush.  I'm sixteen.
     I'm Fate's kicking post.
     I hate my life.

##Brush??? Again a personal preference, however I find the use of
names like Brush to be VERY distracting. The following URL's might be
useful:
Chinese Surnames
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/3919/

Alphabetical Index of Chinese Surnames
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/3919/atoz.html

Scene Online - Beijing Scene - BS III/5 - Comrade Language: The Dating
Game
http://www.beijingscene.com/beijingscene/iii5/comrade_language.html


China Projects
http://www.xs4all.nl/~swanson/origins/eg_china_intro.html

Asiapac - 100 Celebrated Chinese Women
http://www.span.com.au/100women/index.html

Good luck. I look forward to reading the rest.
^_^

*** *** ***
     This is the third (and probably the last) of the shortfics. 

Next time, I

start will telling what happens when everyone meets up...


          --Ryo Hoshi

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