In a message dated 99-03-08 12:10:25 EST, niftol@i-manila.com.ph writes:

At the balcony...
 
 An Evangelion shortfic
 
 
 Nighttime... Shinji Ikari is at the balcony of their apartment, looking 
 out at the stars with a slightly wistful expression when, suddenly, he 
 hears the apartment door open and shut. Without turning around, it's 
 obvious who just came in.
 
 "Tadaima!"
 
 Asuka.
 
 Asuka, finished with removing her shoes at the doorstep, immediately 
 spots Shinji leaning on the balcony. Seeing that there seems to be no one 
 else to catch her attention, she goes to him.
 
 Putting as much disdain in it as possible, Asuka asks: "Hey there, Ikari, 
 what are you doing?" 
 
 Feeling too somber to rise to Asuka's bait, Shinji just mutters a 
 noncommittal "Nothing."
 
 "C'mon, I'm sure the 3rd children has better things to do than look at 
 'nothing.'"
 

Subject / Verb agreement:  Asuka is talking about a single person, ergo the
term should be child, not children.

 Shinji just stands there, silent, seemingly oblivious to the challenge in 
 Asuka's voice. A few seconds in silence passes - Asuka seems to start to 
 want to say something when Shinji beats her to the punch.

Again, grammaticaly, it should be "Stood there", not stands there.  Also "A
few seconds passed in silence" flows better than what you have, and I would
use "Asuka was about to say something" instead of your prhasing.  and it
should be a singular "beat" instead of 'beats'.

  

 "Look down there, Asuka." Shinji points down to the many lights of Tokyo-
 3. "Every one of those lights is at least one person, one person who 
 depends on us to save them. And, yet... why does it feel that I can't 
 connect, that I don't see people, only dots of light in the dark."

"pointed" not 'points'
  

 "Who cares what other people think of you?! You do what you do because 
 you want to... and because you're DAMNED good at it."

I personally dont see Asuka saying this.  I think she MIGHT go as far as "and
your almost as good as I am at it", but the way this statement is phrased
means she sees Shinji as an equal, or possibly better.  And I dont see Asuka
EVER admitting that to ANYONE.
  

 "Is your opinion of yourself so important to you?"

The change i proposed above also helps this sentance, since Asuka really didnt
say anything about HER opinon of herself.
  

 "And just what did you mean by that!?"
 
 "... nothing."
 
 Asuka will have none of that. "What do you mean, nothing? Are you calling 
 me self-centered? My God, Ikari, with the way you act, you have no right 
 to judge me like that."

"Asuka would have none of that", or "Asuka clearly didnt believe him" work
better than 'will have'.  In fact, Ive realised what is going on here.  your
trying to use present tense storytelling, when third person fiction primarily
relies on past tense.  Present tense is commonly used for first person tales,
not third.  As a rule of thumb, if you stick with  past tenses though, you
wont go wrong.
  

 "You're right... I'm sorry."

Shuuuure Shinji.  try and stuff that Jinn back in its bottle. Isn't gonna
happen, brudda.
  

 "You're damn right you should be sorry! How dare you pity yourself for 
 not relating to people, when you don't even want to try! In fact, you 
 should probably thank me for adding some sense into that stupid, bleak, 
 grey world of loneliness you seem to want to live in."

Ah, Asuka's normal personality finally arrives home.  I wonder why it didnt
show up the same time Asuka did.
  

 Asuka looks at Shinji, mentally daring him to make a response. After a 
 few moments of silence on the 3rd child's part, Asuka is about to leave 
 in disgust when Shinji suddenly turns his head to Asuka, with a very 
 slight smile on his face.

again, past tense "looked" instead of 'looks', "was" instead of 'is' and
'turned' insted of 'turns'
  

 "Thank you."
 
 Asuka stops in her tracks. She seems to think for a moment, then joins 
 Shinji in leaning on the balcony railing, looking at the stars overhead 
 and the lights of Tokyo-3.

"stopped" instead of 'stops', "thought" instead of 'seems to think', and
'joined' instead of 'joins'.
  

 "You're welcome."
 
 Finis.
 
 Well this was a weird one, I just sat down on my computer for 15 minutes 
 and voila, out popped this weird introspection piece. Please C&C. Also, 
 for those wondering, "First Born" is probably gonna take a while as it's 
 getting to be crunch time in Med school. I'll probably start doing my 
 part of that 'fic at the end of the month.
 
 Pervert

Indeed it was a wierd one, yet it showed me something that I never saw in
Shinji before.  I could feel his alienation from his father, and from the
other Children, but never really saw him as feeling alienated from the world
at large for some reason.

The only other really usefull comment that I can add is to repeat what I noted
earlier.  Those of us from english speaking countries tend to expect third
person stories to use past tense, not present.  Even first and second person
storytelling tends to use past tense, since in general you are describing
something that happened to you or someone else after it has happened.  The one
place where present tense does work to any degree is in script style fiction,
where the author is describing the "blocking" or other action, etc...

--
Starrngr -- Now with a Relocated webpage:
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HTTP://home.talkcity.com/TheSanitarium/Da_Muck/

"You wear a Hawaiian shirt and bring your music on a RUN?  No wonder they call
you Howling Mad..."  --  Rabid the Pysad.