Vincent Seifert wrote:

I hope you don't mind my posting this C&C to the FFML; I figured that
since you've posted public C&C for others' fics, and since you didn't
request private C&C, you wouldn't mind.

Not at all. I'll snip the nit-picky grammar/punctuation/spelling stuff
and say that I agreed with just about all of it.
 

All comments strictly my opinion, offered in good spirit.

         "Oh! Hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us.
            And black are the waters that sparkled so green.
          The moon, o'er the combers, looks downward to find us
            At rest in the hollows that rustle between.
          Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow;
            Ah, weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease!
          The storm shall not wake thee, no shark overtake thee.
            Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas."

                                      -Rudyard Kipling

{Ahhh.  I haven't read "The White Seal" for a couple of decades.  I really
must go read it again.  Thanks for reminding me.}

I found this poem in one of my daughter Rachel's books. It was a
collection of animal artwork by Eric Carle called "Animals Animals."
I've been wanting to use Kipling's poem at the beginning of an
installment of RotRM for some time now, but it never seemed appropriate
for the other installments.
 

     When he had gathered up all that could be found on the beach, he
started towards the groves of mangos for breakfast. The fruit was sweet,
creamy and succulent, and he ate his fill of them before gathering up a
few to take to Akane.

{Some wild mangos taste like kerosene smells; Ranma got lucky.  Oh, well,
could be worse: it could be durian.  :) }

I must be lucky too; I've never had a bad mango.
 

     He felt her leave him then, that sudden silence within his skull
that marked her departure. He shuddered to himself, for her last
impression upon him was of a sudden mischief forming within her dark
spirit, to be nursed until such time as it was ripe for springing upon
him.

{Now THAT's a foreboding.  Nice.}

Just to let the reader know that Nerial is NEVER on Ranma's side...
 

     "My mother's family told Genma that he had brought their house
low, and that he had to commit seppuku in order to atone for my
mother's death. Instead of doing the honorable thing and killing
himself, he ran away and took me with him." He looked down at his
feet. "I've never known why Pop even told me the truth in the first
place - it's never stopped him any other time."

{Why do I get the feeling that Genma hadn't told him the truth then either?}

Actually, this is one of the few times that Genma was telling the truth.
Sort of. There are other details to be sure...

     Akane continued to look up at Ranma. "Alright, so I'm not the
greatest fighter in the world. Teach me the way of the sword," she
said quietly. "I know I can do it."
     "What?" Ranma spluttered. "Akane, I've been working towards this
my whole *life.* I've done nothing but train to someday become samurai.
What have *you* done most of your life? Arrange flowers? Play the koto?
Practice the Tea Ceremony? There's no way you could do it!"
     Akane's expression shifted from shame back to anger.
     "You're just afraid that I'll be better than you some day."
     Ranma started to walk away. He was trying not to fight with this
girl, but it seemed that a fight was all she really wanted. What was
she trying to prove, anyway?
     "I don't see how it makes any difference right now one way or the
other," he said over his shoulder. "Until we get off this island and
make it back to Japan, neither of us will ever become samurai."

{This whole scene rings very true.  Both Ranma and Akane are shown as
grittier than the originals, as expected.  Applause.}

Thank you. Ranma is easily the more worldly of the two. 

This Akane has led a much more sheltered life than her 20th century
counterpart, and though she has been champing at the bit to prove
herself a worthy successor to the Tendo family military tradition, she's
still a novice at best. This is something she hates about herself. When
Ranma notes to himself that a fight was all she wanted, he doesn't
realize that Akane is really struggling against herself.

                             Chapter Two

     Ukyo sank in exhaustion at the oars. Her hands were red and
blistered from pulling at them for most of the previous night.

{Been there, done that; sounds like you have, too.  Salt water, wooden
handles, and soft hands are a painful combination...}

I did a lot of canoe trips as a Boy Scout.

     "Not the faintest idea," she admitted to the purple-haired Amazon.
     "Is bad," Shampoo said. "We not know which way leads back to ships.
We could run into them by accident."
     Ukyo shook out her fall of chestnut colored hair and watched
squadrons of silvery flying fish leap out of the water a dozen yards
away from their boat.

{The sound when they dive back in is like the first few seconds of a
tropical rain...  *sniffle*  I miss Hawaii sometimes.}

You know, I had to go to Tinian and Guam before I ever saw flying fish.
I never saw flying fish in Hawaii.
 

     In the course of their imprisonment, Ranma had proven that he was
a man through and through, even while trapped in the body of a beautiful
woman. Though he was inexperienced and possibly even ignorant to the
ways of bodily pleasure, Shampoo looked forward to many nights spent in
his arms, to feel him deep inside, her body moving desperately atop him
as he sowed his seed.

{*blink*  Of course she'd expect to be on top, wouldn't she.
This passage is crude, blunt, concise, and very effective at describing
Shampoo's mind and Joketsuzoku culture.  Applause.}

On top? Of course. Can't have those pesky men thinking they're in
control or something...

                            Chapter Three

     His mind still in a daze, he watched them secure lines to the
longboat. Next they began to haul it up out of the water from a boat
davit hung over the side. When the longboat was resting on the deck
of the ship, more men pulled them gently from their broken craft.

{Nautical question: if memory serves, rotating davits hadn't been invented
then, at least by Western shipfitters.  If the boat had been taken up on
davits, it would have been hoisted to about the level of the rail, but
remained outside the hull of the ship; to place the boat on the deck,
they'd use hoists and sways.  I don't know much about Burmese/Ming ships
of the time, though... did they have rotating davits?}

No rotating davits. I just omitted the grunt work of bringing them
inboard in the narrative.
 

it very crowded indeed. The troops settled for stacking up in three
ranks in the threshold of the door, their weapons pointed at the panda,
who gave them a weary growl.

{The image is quite amusing.}

It has a certain "Blues Brothers" flavor, ne?
 

{That's a pretty obscure usage of "couch"...}

Probably a bit more common a century ago, I'll grant you.

2. We are now at the halfway point of this story. My thanks to everyone
who has held on this far. I hope the buildup hasn't been too excessive,
because we do still have a ways to go (both geographically and in the
development of the storyline) until the final stage is set.

Halfway?  Hmm.  It feels more like a third, from the countdown calendar
and the pacing so far, but you're the one who knows...

The countdown has been slow simply because they've been stuck on the
island. Time will pass quicker at sea (though not for our heroes.)
 

For some reason I can't explain, Prince Hsinbyushin seems to have
something in common with Herb and Saffron.  I don't suppose
"Hsinbyushin" is some obscure cooking ingredient, is it?  :)

Alan Harnum said the same thing, so I guess I achieved what I set out to
do with this character. 

Any resemblence was largely intentional, as I wanted Hsinbyushin to have
that Takahashi "suave mysterious prince" flavor to him, and I didn't
want to simply import another Ranma 1/2 character, because they wouldn't
fit into the greater historical flavor of the story. When I plotted out
RotRM, I decided in advance who I wanted to feature, and that was going
to be it. Sorry for those of you who keep hoping Ryouga or Mousse will
show up. If they're a Ranma 1/2 character and haven't appeared yet, they
won't ever appear.
 
Hsinbyushin is a name taken from a later period (early 18th century)
ruler of the Kingdom of Mandalay in central Burma.

High points: Ranma and Akane's discussions, Shampoo's thoughts,
Ranma's internal battle with Nerial, and the revelation of Nerial's
aid to Ranma's enemy.

Any serious flaws other than grammar/spelling?
 

RotRM continues to hold my interest.  I'm looking forward to the
next chapter.

I'm working on it right now. Well, not right now, but you know what I
mean!
 

Thanks for writing and sharing!

And thank you for your time and effort! It's been a long time since
someone really took apart one of my stories.

Jamie
-- 
       "Why are they wearing bras?"
          -Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty *ahem* Lovely Angels...
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