Robert L Myers <slayernext@juno.com> wrote:

Just a little C&C

Kewl.

On Tue, 16 Mar 1999 18:59:50 GMT kleppe@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe) writes:

..and writes and writes and writes.  He's the bloody Enegizer Bunny of
the FFML.

I'm a bloody bunny? Must be Lara's fault! :-)

She trudged forward, ever forward. Her leg sank deeper into the snow
with each step. There was supposed to be a path, but with the ground
covered in white, there was no way to know whether she was actually
following it. Still, she moved forward.

This sounds clunky.

Justice. That was what she had come for. That was her right. She kept

"It was her right." might sound better.

the thought in mind as she forced herself to keep moving. The wind

"that thought" since you're refering to a specifc one.

Will consider these changes.

A vast sea of white surrounded her on all sides, with nothing else in
sight. She should have turned back long ago. The temple she sought 
could
be miles away -- if it even existed at all; only some written rumors
said that it did. She could have been in her hotel room by now, 
sipping
hot tea and savoring the delicious warmth.

"its delicious warmth." maybe, or are you refering to the room's warmth?

Both, really.

*Damn it,* Ukyo thought. He was obviously telling her to turn back, 
that
she was wasting her time here. But, damn it, she was in the right! 
Ranma
had made a promise to look after her forever. She had a perfect right 
to
hold him accountable for it. That was justice.

Right now I'm thinking "Akane has a baby!"

She'd better not... they haven't been married for nine months yet. :)

"Just a dog," Ranma repeated. Then, suddenly, he ran into the kitchen
and zipped back, a kettle of hot water in hand. He doused the puppy. 

One of the Laws of the Anime Universe, always check for curses.

One of the Laws of tha Manga Universe: People will remember to check for
curses only when there isn't one.

It
shook itself indignantly.

You have two short sentences in a row.  Would they sound better if you
combined them?

Good idea.

Be careful what you ask for Ukyo, you just might get it.  Nice little
fic, not much to comment on as far as grammar or syntax goes.  I think my
spell checker found one error, but that could just be regional
differences.  They puppy part suprised me, I did expect a baby.  Maybe
Ukyo should have asked for Ranma's love instead.

Maybe, but she didn't have any grounds for that.

Thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics