And this is what I've been up to this week, rather 
than working on Extended Play.  Actually, this 
story was originally scheduled for release on
April Fool's Day... of 1998.  Trouble is, I've come
up against a logical roadblock, which I'll explain 
at the end of the story thus far (BTW, good luck
figuring out what parts were written last year 
versus this last week), so I'm throwing it out for
any and all suggestions y'all might have.  I'd be
most appreciative.

Anyway, enough intro...

*****


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So... what if Ranma finally got fed up with Akane calling him 
"pervert" and the Furinkan High guys calling him a "womanizer" 
all the time, and decided to show them all just how awful he 
really isn't? 

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji 
If Ya Gotta Do The Time... 

The students assembled in the gymnasium/theatre room. Class 
performances were always a treat, and not just because they 
were a break from the normal routine. You never knew what might 
happen next -- especially at Furinkan High. Tatewaki Kuno's 
announcement at the speech contest earlier this year (and the 
morning riots it had provoked for several months) had already 
passed into school legend, as had the school's rendition (or 
had it been merely rending?) of Romeo and Juliet. 

This one was a little different. The civics class had put together 
a mock trial for the beginning of spring semester; a rape trial, 
as it so happened. Guess who was drafted as the defendant? 

Behind the curtain, there was a bit of a scuffle. Ranma was not 
about to go on willingly. 

"Why the heck does it always gotta be *me*, anyway?" 

Hiroshi held tightly onto Ranma's right arm, trying to subdue him. 
"Because you're the most believable in the role. I mean, come on, 
you've got three fiancees..." 

"Four, if you count Kuno's creepy sister." interjected Daisuke, 
grasping Ranma's left arm. The two boys were struggling to set 
him down in the defendant's seat in the courtroom that had been 
constructed onstage, and they weren't having much luck at it either. 

"Oh, yeah... thanks, I forgot about her." 

"She's *not* a fiancee! Neither is Shampoo, for that matter. And 
it's not like I want any of 'em, ya know..." 

"Yeah, sure, Ranma." 

"Like we really believe *that*." 

Daisuke stepped back from the struggle, allowing Ranma to escape 
Hiroshi's grasp and scramble over to the witness stand. "You know, 
you'd be pretty convincing if it wasn't such an unbelievable 
situation. You've got four girls, all of 'em beauties, each of 
'em probably more than willing t'letcha lay 'em if you just said 
the word. And you're tellin' us you've got nothin' t'do with it, 
and don't want any part of it." 

"No kiddin'. You're either nuts, or you're lying, or you're..." 
Hiroshi made a 'limp hand' gesture. 

Ranma exploded. "I AM *NOT* LIKE THAT!" and charged at Hiroshi. 
Hiroshi simply stepped aside at the last minute, and Ranma found 
himself rolling across the stage, tangled up in the defendant's 
chair. 

Daisuke smirked. "Nice work, 'Rosh. Anyway, Ranma, ya gotta 
understand that people will think things like that. You *are* 
half girl, after all. And the way you keep denyin' that you're 
gettin' any, or even wantin' any, well... conclusions tend to be 
drawn." Ranma growled as Daisuke continued: "Personally, we prefer 
to think of you as a lady-killer -- for one, we'd really like to 
know how you do it, so we could learn how to be like that, too." 

Ranma simply glared at the two of them, then struggled once again 
to rise. Hiroshi was on top of him in an instant. "Nuh-uh... we 
got a class to put this on for, remember? Your grade's in the 
balance, man. Just stick to the script, and everything should be 
fine. C'mon, calm down, willya?" 

"Having problems with him, guys?" 

"Uh..." Daisuke fidgeted. Why Ranma kept insisting that Akane was 
a sexless tomboy, he'd never be able to fathom. He *still* got the 
jitters when she was around, even though he knew he had no chance 
at her. 

Hiroshi, despite his battle with Ranma, was quicker with his tongue.
"You've got a keen grasp of the obvious, Akane-chan..." 

Ranma, meanwhile, had stopped struggling long enough to acknowledge
 Akane's entrance. "Well, if it isn't kawaiikune herself, come to 
save the day for these two..." 

Akane's face turned beet red. Hiroshi let go of Ranma's arms and 
backed away. That alone should have been warning enough for Ranma 
to turn tail and bolt from the chair. But he just stood there, 
smirking, until the inevitable... 

KLONK! 

Ranma slumped into the defendant's chair, unconscious. Akane let the 
mallet fall from her hand. 

"I don't think you'll have any more trouble with him now..." 

----------

The curtain rose on a makeshift courtroom set up on the stage. 
Ranma was still slumped, unconscious, in his chair, while Nabiki, 
rolling her eyes as if to ask 'How the *hell* do I get out of 
this situation?' sat next to him; she was filling the unenviable 
role of defense counsel. Sure, she knew she could win this case, 
but was it worth it to her? 

The civics professor, Hinaba Yoshihiko, walked onstage, dressed in 
the full black robes of a jurist. He ascended to the bench amid some 
minor applause, which he silenced with several raps of his gavel. 

"Oyez, oyez. This trial, convened at Furinkan school district, in 
the ward of Nerima, in the city of Tokyo, is now in session. On the 
docket today is the case of People v. Saotome. Prosecution, present 
your case." 

Kuno Tatewaki rose to give the prosecution's opening remarks. While 
he may have been regarded generally by the student body as an 
incorrigible idiot, there was no denying his oratory skills. 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the audience and jury, I welcome you 
to this courtroom. We are here to present the case against this 
foul sorceror..." there was a rap of the gavel from the bench, and 
Kuno hurriedly backtracked, "...I beg your pardon, your honor. We 
are here to present the case against the defendant, Saotome Ranma, 
that: on the night of 29 February, the defendant met with the victim, 
Kobayashi Yuka," he gestured toward Yuka, who was sitting demurely 
at the prosection table, "ostensibly for a date. It turned out to be 
more than that, and much more than Ms. Kobayashi bargained for. And 
what she thought was the conclusion to the evening, he pressed his 
advantage against her..." 

Somewhere in the crowd, there was a snide whisper: "He pressed his 
*what*? I'd'a pressed something *else* against her..." A brief dark 
flash crossed Kuno's face at this irreverence, but otherwise, he was 
unperturbed. 

His voice began to rise in righteous indignation; this was to be Kuno 
at his anti-Saotomic finest. "This foul fiend forced himself upon this 
flower of young womanhood, tearing away from her that most precious of 
a girl's treasures. And the State demands that he be punished for his 
actions!" 

There was a ripple of applause as he returned to his seat. When his 
mouth was going full tilt, Kuno could be great entertainment. 

Now, Nabiki rose from her chair to take her turn to speak. "You have 
already heard what my... colleague... claims to have happened on the 
evening of February 29. My client, however, has stated that nothing 
untoward happened that evening. The two of them went on a date, had 
dinner, saw a movie, and went their separate ways. Since there were 
no witnesses to the alleged incident, and no corroborating physical 
evidence, this is basically, then, a case of 'he-said, she-said'. 
Remember, to convict my client, you must establish his guilt beyond 
a reasonable doubt, and I submit to you, the audience and jury, that 
you will find yourselves hard-pressed to do so in good conscience." 

Nabiki received no applause for her performance; not only was she no 
showman (she reserved that for when real money was at stake), her 
response seemed rather... perfunctory, if perfectly logical. She 
sounded as if she was sleepwalking through the case. Of course, 
everyone knew she could most likely beat Kuno in her sleep, so it 
wasn't any major concern. 

Hinaba-sensei turned to Kuno-sempai. "The prosecution may call its 
first witness." 

"Very well. I call to the stand Kobayashi Yuka." 

Yuka ascended from her place at the prosecutor's table to the witness 
stand. Hiroshi swore her in. By now, Ranma had been jarred into 
conciousness by Nabiki's elbow, and was taking a good hard look at 
Yuka as she described the events leading up to the incident. 

She began by telling how she had been looking forward to the evening; 
how amazed she was at her good fortune. Imagine, a nobody like her 
getting a chance to go on a date with the great Ranma Saotome! This 
man whom other girls would practically kill for to get a date -- 
literally. And all she'd had to do was *ask* him. 

The sincerity in her voice was undeniable. She really sounded as if 
she was enamoured of Ranma, and it did not escape his notice. He 
wondered if this really was a great acting job, or whether... 

Well, the thought had never occurred to Ranma before. Nor to Kuno, 
who was developing a rather disturbed look of his own.  <*Another* 
maiden in love with that fiend? What do they see in him?>  He then 
decided he would chalk it up instead to her remarkable thespian 
skills; in any case... "Yes, yes, Miss Kobayashi," he waved away 
her effusive praise of Ranma. "Now, can you tell the court what 
happened on this date?" 

Yuka turned toward Ranma with a "I'm so sorry I have to do this to 
you" look. Ranma flinched; she actually looked quite distressed as 
she related a rather santized story of him having gotten her drunk 
and forcing himself on her. As her story got closer and closer to 
the juicy bits, she began hesitating, looking over at Ranma, or 
glancing at Kuno and Hinaba-sensei with a look on her face that 
asked 'do I have to say this?' With each glance, both Kuno and 
Hinaba-sensei nodded silently at her to continue. 

Her story completed, Yuka slumped back in the witness stand, 
apparently drained from the effort. Hinaba-sensei turned to Nabiki. 
"Do you wish to cross-examine the witness...?" 

"Thank you, your honor." Nabiki purred as she walked up to the witness 
box. "Tell me, Ms. Kobayashi... prior to the night in question... were 
you... a virgin?" 

The entire auditorium gasped at the audacity of Nabiki's question. 
Even Hinaba-sensei's eyes widened at this departure from the script. 

For her part, Yuka was rather flustered. "What kind of question is 
that, Nabiki-sempai? That wasn't in the script..." 

Nabiki leaned in on Yuka, and whispered, "That's life, Yuka. Lawyers 
aren't gonna follow scripts. Remember, there's to be no physical 
evidence in this case, so you know whatcha haveta say..." 

Realization slowly dawned on Yuka; however, Kuno was outraged. "Your 
honor! I object! She's trying to drag this girl's reputation through 
the mud, and for what? This *can't* be relevant, can it?" 

Nabiki turned to Hinaba-sensei with a heavy sigh. "I am *trying* to 
establish whether Ms. Kobayashi has engaged in physical contact of 
this nature prior to the alleged incident. If she has, then we cannot 
rely on physical evidence, as her hymen," again, the auditorium gasped 
at Nabiki's boldness, "would have been broken with the previous 
contact, and therefore we would not be able to link my client to 
her physical situation. If, on the other hand, she has *not* otherwise 
had such contact, and her hymen is broken, then..." 

Once again, Hinaba-sensei's eyebrows arched. "A daring gambit, 
counsel," and he turned to Kuno. "Overruled." and back to Nabiki: 
"Proceed." 

"Thank you, your honor. Anyway..." and she turned back to Yuka, 
"answer the question, and remember, you are under oath: Prior to this 
alleged incident, were you or were you not a virgin?" 

Kuno leaned back in his chair, quite self-satisfied. Such a pristine 
girl as this one could not possibly... 

"No... I wasn't." Yuka's answer was quiet, and devastating. Kuno 
tipped over in his chair, landing unceremoneously on his back. 

"Thank you, Ms. Kobayashi." Nabiki turned toward the auditorium. "And 
with no bruises, no evidence of, shall we say, forced entry, there is 
no conclusive proof that my client raped this girl, or even for that 
matter had sex with her, consensual or no. No further questions, your 
honor." 

Hinaba-sensei gestured to Yuka that she was permitted to leave, and 
she quickly got up and returned to her seat. Every visible square inch 
of her skin was glowing bright red. She had been required to give an 
answer fitting the requirements of the case, but it embarassed her 
considerably and frightened her somewhat to think that some might 
actually believe what she had just said, and think of her as 'easy' 
in real life. 

Kuno then clambered to his feet as Nabiki sauntered back to her place. 
"My... esteemed colleague..." he was having a bit of a struggle 
getting the honorifics out, applying as they did to Nabiki, "has 
raised a valid point in her opening remarks insofar as there were 
no witnesses to the incident, and no discernable physical evidence. 
In a case of one individual's veracity against another, it is thus 
necessary to establish the truthfulness of one exceeds that of the 
other. And that, the state belives, can be proven beyond a shadow of 
a doubt. 

"I call to the stand... Tendo Akane." His tone of voice slipped into 
unprofessional dreaminess as he pronounced the name of one of his 
beloveds. Another rap of the gavel, and Kuno pulled himself together 
while Daisuke nervously swore her in. 

"You are Tendo Akane?" 

Akane refrained from answering with an attitude of "well, duh" by 
keeping her eyes fixed on Hinaba-sensei. "Yes, sir." 

"And your relationship to the accused...?" 

It was the proper phrase to use in a legal context, but the word 
'relationship' caused both Ranma and Akane to flinch. Regaining her 
composure, she replied, "He's... he's my fiancee." 

Kuno's eyebrows arched expressively, in the grand tradition of Kabuki 
acting. "So... your fiancee was out with another woman that day. Were 
you aware of this?" 

"No, I was not." Her answer was firm and crisply enunciated this time. 

Kuno nodded thoughtfully, and stepped away from the witness stand 
briefly. Then he turned once again to Akane. "Miss Tendo, what is your 
opinion of your fiancee? Is he trustworthy?" 

"Trustworthy...? Are you kidding? I can't turn my back on that baka 
but he's got another girl pawing at him! And he doesn't do *anything*
to fend them off. He's a faithless, lecherous, uncouth, egotistical, 
insensitive jerk!" With each adjective Akane spat out, Ranma slumped 
deeper into his chair. Play-acting or not, this was getting way too 
personal, and it wasn't fair. 

Kuno could barely repress a smile. "Out of curiousity... this opinion 
of yours... did you form this subsequent to this incident, or have you 
held it for some time?" 

Akane's laugh was mirthless and short. "I've felt this way about 
that perverted baka ever since we met..." her voice dropped as she 
remembered their first spar, when she was unaware that this Ranma 
girl was really a guy. "...well, almost that far back, anyway..." 

"So... in a case of Mr. Saotome's word against Ms. Kobayashi's..." 

Akane's face grew sad, and her voice was subdued. "I guess I'd have 
to believe Yuka. Much as I'd hate to; she should know better than to 
go out with him..." 

"Thank you, Miss Tendo. No further questions." 

Akane's angry gaze was riveted on Ranma as she stepped down. For his 
part, Ranma kept his face buried in his hands. Something told him he 
was in for it when he got home, even though this was only supposed to 
be a performance. 

Kuno's next announcement, however, brought Ranma to full attention. 
"I call to the stand... Tendo Nabiki." 

A murmur rose from the assembly. Even Hinaba-sensei looked rather 
stunned at this turn of events. This was not part of the script 
either. 

Ranma was completely stricken. "Nabiki! What the *hell* do you think 
you're doing?" he hissed. 

She merely shrugged her shoulders at him. "Kuno-chan pays well, 
that's all." 

Ranma decided to appeal to her own interests rather than his 
particular plight. "B-b-but... what about your grade? It *depends* 
on how well you defend me!" 

She gave him another shrug as she mounted the stand. "What's school 
for, Saotome? To prepare you for making a living in the real world. 
Hey... I'm making a damn good living right now. What do I care about 
one lousy grade on one lousy presentation?" 

Ranma stared at her for a moment, slack-jawed. Then he raised his 
hand. 

"Objection, your honor!" 

"Mr. Saotome, you are the *defendant*. You are not permitted to raise 
objections." 

"Well, Hinaba-sensei, your honor, it seems I am out one lawyer, so 
unless someone else would fill in for Nabiki," the name was uttered 
from between clenched teeth. Nabiki didn't flinch. "...I seem to be 
stuck representing myself." 

Hinaba-sensei nodded. "Fair enough. But overruled... the witness' 
testimony may yet prove relevant to the case." 

Again Ranma stood up. "Your honor, if I can't object, how about 
calling it a mistrial, then? She's already admitted she's been paid 
to be a prosecution witness. Money could make her say anything, you 
know." 

"No, I don't know, and may I remind you that this is a *mock* trial. 
Everyone here is playing a role. It's not as if anything will happen 
to you, regardless of the verdict. Besides..." and Hinaba-sensei 
swivelled his chair to face the witness stand, "I want to hear what 
happens next." 

Ranma slumped back into his seat. "Well, *I* sure as hell don't," he 
muttered. This truth was really gonna hurt. 

----------

Just as Ranma had feared, Nabiki's testimony was damning. Over Ranma's 
constant objections (and Hinaba-sensei's near-constant overrulings), 
she told of his wearing of Akane's clothes, and occasionally even 
undergarments (when Ranma argued that point, she acknowledged he was 
correct: "Sometimes he doesn't wear *anything* underneath those 
dresses," which sent the crowd into further uproar); the constant 
flow of girls around him (with Shampoo in the bathtub, sleeping over 
[yeah, *right*] at Ucchan's, with Kodachi in her bed, on top of Akane 
in *her* bed...); and on and on... 

The worst of it was, her stories were taken straight from real life. 
Everyone had heard these tales, exaggerated as Ranma thought them to 
be, and believed most of them. There was, after all, far too many 
rumours out there about Ranma's exploits and exploitations... Furinkan 
conventional wisdom had it that they couldn't possibly *all* be *entirely* false. 

"Does the defense have anything to say?" 

Ranma sighed as he stood up. "No, your honor. I'm not even gonna 
bother. Everybody here seems to think I'm a complete pervert, and 
there doesn't look like there's gonna be anything I can say to alter 
that. But I do wanna ask you all a few things... 

"What do you girls do when Happosai shows up? Ain't I one of the first 
t'try and shut the old fart down? Y'know, if I were a *real* pervert, 
wouldn't I be taking *his* side? 'Rosh, Dais-man... you guys're always 
askin' me if I've scored with any of these girls yet... and you never 
believe me when I say 'No.' Who're the *real* perverts here?

"And don't think that just 'cause I turn into a girl I enjoy it. I 
never have and never will. Even more so because people think I'm 
weird just because of this... thing... that's so far beyond my 
control that it ain't even funny.

"I don't need to tell you I wasn't looking forward to this little 
exercise, even if it was all just play-acting. Because I sorta knew 
it wasn't gonna stay that way. I mean, c'mon, Nabiki... look whatcha 
forced Yuka to say in front of everyone here? If my experience here 
at Furinkan has taught me anything, it's that people are gonna believe 
the worst about ya. Yuka..." and he turned to her, "I'm sorry about 
everything you had to say. I hope there aren't too many boys who draw 
the wrong conclusions... 

"Anyway, I give up. I can't save my reputation, but I'm tellin' ya, 
there's no one on *earth* that's as awful as you've made me out 
t'be... except maybe that old lech Happosai... and for whatever 
reason, you all don't seem to mind him today. I'm tellin' ya, I'm 
innocent of these and all other charges that have been brought up 
today, but I'm getting fed up with being railroaded. If ya gotta do 
the time, ya might as well do the crime, so I've heard... 

"So, I'm giving you all fair warning: one of these days, when you've 
forgotten about today, I'm gonna show you the pervert you all seem to 
think I am. And you're gonna be so glad I'm not really like that."

----------

Ranma's speech didn't really cut much ice with anyone, and the 'jury' 
in the theatre wound up sentencing him to a lengthy prison term for 
his crime. As Hiroshi and Daisuke led him offstage as if to jail, he 
muttered something about how at least it was better than always 
getting attacked by Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno or any of the others.

But while no one else seemed to have paid attention to what he had 
said, Ranma was giving it considerable thought. 

----------

April 1st is not generally celebrated to the extent it is in the West. 
It is known about, though, and it occurred to Ranma that it would be 
as close to ideal as any day to try and pull it off. Maybe someone 
would remember what he said, realize what day it was, and put two and 
two together. 

Then again, who all was he thinking about here? 

He decided that he'd have to prepare himself for whatever reactions he 
could anticipate. 

----------

Genma Saotome was all set to douse his son with water in preparation 
for the morning's training session (gotta wake the boy somehow, ne?) 
when he realized through his own half-open eyes that Ranma's futon was 
empty. 

Now, where the heck would the boy go? 

He walked out to the koi pond in the courtyard. Ranma was sitting 
cross-legged on the largest stone, facing the water, doing what 
appeared to be a unusual interpretation of his Kaichu Tenshin 
Amaguriken routine. Instead of the brief, rapid-fire thrust-and-attack 
that characterized the move, Ranma's hands and arms flew about him in 
a fluid sequence of defensive parries, along with a number of rapid 
balletic motions in which he seemed to be caressing the air. His 
movements were quick, yet gentle and tender. Genma watched as his boy 
continued this practice for some fifteen minutes, looking for all the 
world like a Japanese incarnation of Shiva. 

Finally, the older man decided it was time to begin some real 
training, and tiptoed quietly up behind his son. When he got within 
a foot of Ranma, however, it was he that was surprised. In a single 
fluid motion, Ranma's arms reached behind him, grabbed the old man 
by the collar of his gi, and flung him over his head upside-down into 
the pond -- all within a single second. Then, he resumed his made-up 
kata. 

The panda surfaced with a growl, and Ranma, without breaking stride, 
grinned broadly. "Pop... you *know* you shouldn't try to sneak up on 
me when you haven't bathed. I can smell you coming from at least five 
yards off." That wasn't quite true, of course. But inside, Ranma 
realized that he could defend himself from almost any possible attack 
now. He was ready for the day to begin. He'd show 'em what a pervert 
was really like... as soon as he could figure it out for himself... 

----------

*rap*rap*rap* 

Nabiki groggily got up to open her door at the knock. It wasn't like 
Kasumi to bother. After all, she had breakfast to prepare, and anyway, 
she knew her younger sister was a steady riser, if a slow one. She 
should know she'd be along, presently... 

Imagine her surprise to find Ranma standing cheerily at the door. That 
was enough to pop her eyes open. And slam the door in his face. She 
leaned heavily against the back of the door, breathing hard. <What was 
he doing here? And me in my pajamas and all...> 

The knock came again... evidently, he wasn't about to go away. 
"Nabiki? Are you all right in there? I need to ask a favor..." 

<Oh.> Nabiki's face brightened. <A favor.> That meant more money... 
if not from him directly, then from what he could do for her in 
return. She scrambled around for her clothes. "Uh... just a minute, 
Ranma-kun. I just wasn't ready for anyone to drop by..." 

Ranma's voice actually held a note of embarrassment. "Oh yeah. Sorry 
about that. Didn't remember that you'd still be asleep..." 

"Hang on a moment, Ranma-kun..." Nabiki responded, her voice muffled 
by the jumper she had thrown over her head. Within a few minutes, her 
school uniform was complete and in place, and she opened the door. 
"Okay... now, let's do business." 

"Wow... that was *quick*." 

Nabiki smiled sardonically. "Anything is possible, Ranma-kun, with 
sufficient motivation." 

Ranma's grimace almost matched hers. "Like turning state's evidence 
on your own client, huh?" 

Nabiki took a step or two backward, while Ranma took the opportunity 
to enter her room and look around. A sweatdrop burst out on the back 
of her head. "Hey... you're not still mad about that, are you?" 

Ranma shrugged. "Not at you in particular, though I'm hoping I can 
use that as leverage; you owe me big time for humiliating me like 
you did." 

"Come on, Ranma-kun..." Much to Nabiki's alarm, a note of nervousness 
was creeping into her voice. "Be reasonable, will you?" 

"I think I'm being pretty reasonable as it is..." His eyes fell on her 
manga collection. "Ah! Urusei Yatsuru... could I borrow a few issues?" 

Nabiki blinked in surprise. "Uh... yeah, sure... that's all?" 

"Uh-huh." 

She gathered a few copies together and handed ithem to him. "May I ask 
why...?" 

"Sure..." and he told her his plan. 

----------

"So you're gonna pull off your demonstration today, huh? Just like you 
threatened?" Ranma nodded. "So what're the comics for?" 

Ranma grinned almost sheepishly. "Research, actually. Not only am I 
not a pervert, I don't even know how to act like one. So... I'm just 
checking out a possible role model." 

"Heh. Moroboshi, ne?" Ranma nodded. "Well, why don'tcha just watch 
Happosai? There's a world-class pervert for ya right under your nose." 

Ranma offered a mock scowl. "Not exactly my style. Stealing 
underwear's kinda weird, don'tcha think? I'm gonna do this like 
a normal red-blooded Japanese male; I'm gonna make this a full-contact 
sport." And he demonstrated his fluid kata. 

Nabiki blinked as she watched Ranma's hands fly through the air. "Boy, 
talk about copping your feels. Okay, I'll help ya out with the books. 
On one condition..." 

"Eh...?" 

"Don't touch *me*, okay?" 

----------

Everybody else was wolfing down their food; Ranma had his nose buried 
in one of Nabiki's comics, taking a bite only now and again. This did 
not escape Akane's notice. 

"Ranma, will you put the book down and finish breakfast already? We're 
going to be late if you keep dawdling like this." 

"Oh, all right..." He slipped the book into his bag, and joined in the 
wolfing. In fact, he was finished before anyone else. He stood up, and 
gave Kasumi a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Kasumi. Gottagobye!!" 
And out the door he went. 

"Oh, my!" Her hand flew up to her cheek, and a modest blush colored 
Kasumi's face. 

But if Kasumi was taken aback by Ranma's odd gesture, the others were 
positively stunned. It gave Ranma all the time he needed to vanish out 
the door long before anyone noticed his disappearance. 

At which point, Akane rose with a start. "Why that -- ! He... he left 
without me!" 

----------

"Hey, Akane!" Yuka and Sayuri were waiting outside the compound, 
waving for their classmate. "Come on, or Principal Kuno's gonna nail 
us but good for being late, you know." 

Akane dashed outside to join them, panting vigourously. "Geez, 
Akane... no need to kill yourself over it. We've still got some time 
left, after all." 

Sayuri cocked her head at her tired friend. "Or... were you and Ranma 
sparring this morning?" 

Yuka nudged Sayuri. "You don't have to sugarcoat it, Sayuri. They 
FIGHT *all* the time... though..." and now Yuka turned to look at 
Akane, "you usually beat him handily, don't you? How come you're so 
tired out?" 

"He beat me... out the door... you didn't... see him?" The two girls 
shrugged, and shook their heads in unison. 

"Sorry." 

"That doesn't seem like him, unless... did he have another 
early-morning detention to serve today?" 

Akane blinked, and stared straight ahead. She hadn't thought about 
that possibility. And considering the run-ins he always was having, 
it was a perfectly reasonable explanation. A tiny part of her, way 
back in the back of her mind, berated her for always getting mad at 
Ranma for doing things that, on closer investigation, made sense.

It wasn't surprising that this angel-on-her-shoulder looked a lot like 
Kasumi...

...what was surprising was that she was blushing! From this morning? 
Why... why, that... little... ! *He'd* done that!

"Uh... Akane?" Sayuri's voice brought her back to reality. It had a 
nervous tone, and both of her friends wore rather frightened faces, 
as if she might have had steam coming from her ears.

In fact, she had. All the steam still inside her rushed to her face, 
heating it to an interesting shade of red. Her hand flew to her cheek, 
and immediately her face began to pale, as she realized just how mad 
she had gotten there. "Heh-heh... sorry about that..." Akane's face 
took on a sheepish expression as she apologized to her friends. 

Yuka and Sayuri just looked at each other, and nodded knowingly. 
"Ranma," they chorused.

"Somebody call?"

And there he stood, as if he had just dropped out of the sky. It was 
more than enough to make the three girls jump.

"Don't do that, you baka! You scared us out of our wits!"

Ranma just shrugged. "Sorry about that. But c'mon, Akane... you didn't 
think I'd left you behind, didja?"

"That had crossed my mind..."

"Oh, now really..." he murmured, slipping an arm around both Yuka 
and Sayuri, "how would my day be complete without our daily walk to 
school, eh, girls?" He smiled at each of them in turn, as Akane's 
face began turning red again.

Suddenly, both of the girls yelped and jumped away from him. It seemed 
that Ranma's hands had slipped, from Yuka's hip to her buttock, and 
from Sayuri's shoulder to her breast... and he'd given them both a 
gentle squeeze. "There ya go..." he grinned.

An aura of pure rage seethed its way around Akane, wrapping her in 
its righteous wrath. "RRRRRAN-MAAA!!" The mallet was hefted, and set 
on 'kill'.

But he walked up to her, so coolly as to throw her off guard. "You 
really shouldn't play with things like that. Someone could get hurt.

"Besides," and he was now inches away from her, "it wasn't like I was 
gonna ignore you or nothin'." With one hand, he slid the mallet from 
her grip and flipped it into the nearby canal. With the other hand, he 
flipped her skirt up and reached inside her panties.

The red haze disappeared with a 'poof' and Akane, now completely 
stunned, let Ranma ease her down to her knees.

Ranma removed his hand from her panties, and waved it in front of her 
face; she didn't blink. Satisfied that she was thoroughly dazed, he 
turned to her two companions. "Make sure she gets to school on time. 
I've got work to do, so I'll see you there, okay?" And giving them 
both a wink and a leer, he bounded off in the direction of Furinkan 
High.

Sayuri was still holding a hand to her chest. "WHAT... was that?"

Yuri could feel herself flush as she rubbed her backside. "I don't 
know... but I kind of liked it."

The sound of maniacal laughter could be heard in the distance as 
Sayuri stared incredulously at her friend. 

----------

Ranma felt a cold thrill as he bounded off to school. This was 
actually rather fun... as long as he could avoid getting beaten 
up by his irate victims (and, possibly, their boyfriends)

Wait... that wasn't a cold thrill... that was...

SPLASH!

Some things stay the same no matter how hard you try to make them 
different. Onna-Ranma gave a vaguely disgusted look at the old woman 
with the water dipper, and continued on to school... walking. The old 
woman took no notice of the irritated girl stalking past her... if she 
had, Ranma never would have gotten splashed in the first place, now, 
would he? 

----------

Her slow pace gave onna-Ranma a little time to think about the 
possibilities. It wasn't as if he'd be able to surprise everybody - 
sooner or later, there'd be a crowd watching some of his antics, and 
some of them wouldn't have received his personal attention yet. Well, 
I can deal with that when the time comes..."

As she approached the gates of the school, she realized that the time 
had come sooner rather than later.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!"

<Oh, well... guess it's showtime.>

----------

Despite the fact that Kodachi Kuno was dangerously unbalanced, it 
didn't kep the boys from crowding around her whenever she visited 
Furinkan. There was just something about her... or maybe it was that 
there was nearly nothing about her. After all, that leotard left 
virtually zero to the imagination.

Of course, that was deliberate on her part. Surely, Ranma-sama would 
be no more able to resist the charms of this voluptuous figure any 
more than the rest of these plebian males. Was he not a male, too?

But there was no sign of Ranma-sama. Only that filthy red-haired witch 
crossing over the campus threshold like she belonged here.

The gymnast fairly flew from the middle of the males that had swarmed 
about her, landing toe-to-toe with her hated nemesis. "Tell me what 
you've done with my dear Ranma-sama, you little wench... Or must I 
find your tongue with this?!" Kodachi brandished her trademark ribbon. 

Onna-Ranma's took on a peculiar cast... well, peculiar to anyone who's 
never seen a female leer. She walked boldly up to the mad gymnast, and 
even Kodachi flinched slightly at her approach. "You don't have to use 
that to find my tongue, Kodachi... I'll show it to you myself." And 
with that, onna-Ranma cupped Kodachi's face in her hands, brought it 
down to her own, and kissed her. 

Without tape. Nabiki watched Ranma's act with measure of revulsion and 
admiration: <Even as a girl, he's got balls.> The rest of the student 
body simply gaped as Ranma's tongue pried apart Kodachi's lips and 
proceeded to caress her tongue and teeth. At the same time, 
onna-Ranma's hands slithered up and down Kodachi's body. 

It was just at that moment that Kuno took the opportunity to join the 
crowd, and what a terrible sight greeted him! The pig-tailed girl had 
been ensnared by that foul sorceror Saotome into turning lesbian! Or - 
and he watched as Onna-Ranma caressed his sister's supple form - 
mayhap it were Kodachi that had bewitched her herself! With her mental 
state, after all, anything was possible. He began to develop a 
pronounced tic as he continued to watch, horrified and transfixed.

For his part, Ranma was beginning to warm to the task of freaking 
Kodachi out. <Y'know, I never thought of it before, but she's really 
something... well-built and everything. Of course, with the body of a 
gymnast, I should have realized that already. Wonder what's she's like 
in...> 

Then, he heard a voice from another corner of his mind... <Quiet, you 
fool! *Acting* like a pervert is one thing, but if you're gonna start 
*thinking* like one... you're gonna be in big trouble!> So, she 
relaxed her hold on Kodachi. 

And none too soon. Kodachi pulled away as quickly as she could, and 
backed away from onna-Ranma with eyes as big as saucers. Then, without 
warning, she turned and ran, without a word, without even so much as 
a shower of black rose petals to faciliate her departure.

Her brother charged after her, bokken flailing. "In the name of all 
that's holy, what have you done to the pig-tailed girl?!" he roared 
as the siblings skittered off into the distance.

Onna-Ranma grinned to herself. <Two gooney-birds with one stone. Not 
bad.> Of course, she wasn't given that much time to gloat:

GLOMP! "Ranma, m'boy! At last, you've seen the light! Let's celebrate 
with a good cuddle!"

It was all onna-Ranma could do to fight back the urge to pummel 
Happosai into pervert puree. That second little voice in the corner 
of his mind was hollering at him. <Here's your chance... you wanted 
to be a pervert, so what would a pervert do?>

<She'd enjoy herself.> Onna-Ranma almost sighed mentally. She let 
her knees buckle, and dropped to the ground with a moan as Happosai 
continued his ministrations. Her body jerked and twitched as he fought 
back his rising gorge.

All at once, it hit her. "AHH!!" she cried out, falling flat on her 
face - and right on top of Happosai. She bucked several times, rising 
just enough to lift the old lech off the ground, before falling back 
down - hard. Finally, when she rose up, he no longer held onto her.

Getting to her feet, onna-Ranma placed a heel on the old man's head 
and pressed down, grinding it as if it were a discarded cigarette 
butt. "Was it good for you, y'old fart?" she sneered before turning 
on her heel and marching into the school building. She'd have to find 
the janitor's closet soon enough, anyway.

Happosai lay on the ground in the middle of the now-deserted 
schoolyard, staring up into the starry blue skies. He realized 
the stars were his own invention only as he croaked out his response 
to his long-departed partner. "Oh... yeah..." 

==========

And that's about as far as I can go (yes, sir!) 

I *can* picture a conclusion where Ranma comes home to the Tendo dojo 
and is either greeted at the door or is confronted in the guest bedroom 
with Kasumi in an... er... interesting negligee (personally, I *like* 
Gregg Sharp's theory, from "Ring of Toltiir", that her vapidness is due 
to the efforts of reining in a triple-strength libido.  Virtually without 
canonical basis, but an interesting and amusing theory nonetheless), but 
getting to the conclusion has proven logically impossible.

For one thing, while he can shock most of Furinkan with his antics (and 
he's already freaked out two of his fiancees), there's a question of 
whether anyone will "get" the message (That Kasumi might miss the point 
is acceptable; after all it's IC for her, if how she deals with the 
misunderstanding is not).  Moreover, the more I think about it, the 
less likely it appears that Ran-chan will be able to complete the 
task at all; namely, that of freaking out ALL of us fiancees.

Neither Shampoo nor I have ever called him a pervert (although I may 
have given him a smack or two with my spatula if he got fresh... I 
don't recall).  Heck, that Chinese hussy would probably 'do it' right 
in the middle of the schoolyard if Ran-chan asked her.  And while I'm 
not an exhibitionist like her, I certainly wouldn't rule much out when 
it comes to being his one-and-only. 

So it seems I'm stuck.  And yes, I know I *could* leave Shampoo and 
myself out, but it wouldn't seem *complete*, now, would it?

And before you mention it Gari-kun (BTW, you teach English in RL, 
right?  I can never remember...), yes, I know that I alternate pronouns 
during the onna-Ranma scenes.  The idea is that while physically she's 
a girl, mentally and emotionally *he*'s still a guy, and I tried to apply 
the appropriate pronouns accordingly.  Of course, if it doesn't work for 
y'all, I s'pose I should rethink it...

But that's assuming my assumptions about this piece being logically 
flawed aren't correct, and this poor thing'll haveta be scrapped 
regardless.  I still think it'd be a shame, but that's life, huh?

I'll be getting back to Greenwood (and maybe even Key!) sometime 
next week, and 'Natsu-chan and I WILL be at AnimeCentral (although 
if folks like Biles-sama are coming, I don't think I'll be making 
the cut for the fanfic panel).  Oh, and the Ucchan should be open 
for evening drop-ins (the B&B is nearly booked, though, so hurry), 
but check with either of us first.  We'll be wearing "Ucchan's 
Okonomi-yaki" gear, so you shouldn't be able to miss us.

Until then, ja!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan   ^_^