-----Original Message-----
From: J Chu <chubacca@clam.rutgers.edu>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: Wednesday, March 24, 1999 4:18 AM
Subject: [FFML][FIC][YUA] Miyuki Got a Boo Boo
My first YUA fic. Heck� this is my first real piece of fan fiction,
period. I hope y'all like it. C&C is requested. I'd like to know
what
I did right, and more importantly, what I did wrong.
The characters from You're Under Arrest in this fiction are the
creations of Kosuke Fujishima.
Miyuki Got A Boo Boo
By JC
---
A small group of schoolchildren clustered around Nakajima, as he sat
down and cried with some of them.
"Don't cry Mr. Kenny!"
"Miyuki's gonna be all better. You'll see."
"Do you want my hanky?"
*sniff* "Wahhhh! Miyuki got a big boo boo!"
"Natsumi is being scary again."
"Why didn't you go with Miyuki to the hospital, Mr. Kenny?"
The ambulance pulled away from the curb, splashing the area with its
flashing lights. Miyuki's precious mini patrol car sat beside the
curb,
the hatchback open and its mangled right door lying several meters down
the road.
"I'm pathetic," whimpered Nakajima. "I was too busy showing off. I
should have seen... it. I could have stopped it. I..."
The White Hawk of Bokuto broke down even further.
The kids gathered around and hugged him as several more patrol cars
pulled up.
---
A figure on a moto-compo buzzed up and over a hill as it attempted to
cut off a speeding Honda.
"This is Natsumi! Where the hell is my backup!"
Yuriko squealed in an apologetic voice, "I'm sorry! Most of the
patrols
are tied up at the Imperial Expressway jam. There's just too much
traffic!"
The tires on the mini bike gave off little chirping sounds as they
valiantly gripped the sidewalk as Natsumi made a tight turn around a
corner.
------
An awkward sentence, especially using the word "as" twice... not sure if
it actually violates any rules of English, but it definately doesn't
sound good. Perhaps you could say:
...gave off little chirping sounds, valiantly gripping the sidewalk as
Natsumi...
or something similar.
------
"Can't you get anyone out here? I'm gonna lose him!"
"The captain is on the way with helo support. Hold on Natsumi!"
Suddenly the road stopped curving. Natsumi went flying down another
hill as she caught a glimpse of the offending Honda.
"Grrrr... I want blood you little bastard! No one runs over my
partner
and gets away with it!"
The road ahead of the car started to open up a bit. Natsumi felt her
chest tightening.
*Oh no. Once he gets on the open roads, I'll lose him!*
Fortunately, a truck started to pull out ahead of the Honda.
*Screeeeeeech*
The Honda made a 180 degree brake turn and skidded to a halt, close to
the side of the truck.
"Hah hah! I've got you now, you little punk!"
Natsumi's shout of joy quickly dissolved into a confused screech, as
the
car accelerated toward her.
"Oh crap! Ahhhhhhh!"
Natsumi swerved her minibike over to the side of the still cramped
street. The back bumper of the car scraped Natsumi's arm back.
She was peeled off the bike almost instantaneously. Natsumi
instinctively tried to roll with the fall, but it only dampened the
impact slightly.
"Arrrrrrrrrgh... Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! Dammit!"
The minibike slid down the road, spinning slightly as bits and pieces
broke off. It flipped over in a cartwheel as it hit the curb and
landed
on a shrub.
Natsumi raised her head slowly and looked down the road.
*Dammit. You are going to pay dearly for that. I, Natsumi, will see
to
it.*
The sounds of a helo buzzed in intensity. Suddenly, the police
command helo blazed overhead in pursuit of the criminal.
Natsumi managed to cheer a bit from her hoarse throat.
"You go, Captain! Kick his sorry ass."
---
"This is PC-109, over! We are monitoring the progress of a black Honda
Civic Type R over the main highway. Please respond,
dispatch!"
"We have intercept! Exits from your position on have been blocked. A
ram and slam team is on it's way."(1)
"I see it. Give me a direct frequency to them."
"Yessir."
"This is the Captain speaking. Units 11 and 7 are blocking off the
next
two exits. The exit near the Kiba station is the barricade site."
---
The little procession of cars approached the roadblock.
The ram and slam team was still shadowing the car, keeping their
distance.
"This is PC-107. Let's box this sucker."
"Got it."
The two police cars riding parallel to the black Honda started to
squeeze inwards. The Honda stomped on its brakes and swerved to the
right a little, nudging the rear of the rightmost police car.
"What the..."
Suddenly the Honda shoved the car forward and to the right. The car
quickly skidded and slammed into the leading police car. The leading
car hit its brakes, out of reflex, and skidded some more. The police
car on the left swerved to the left in an effort to avoid the lead car,
but ended up smashing into the highway divider and spinning around,
crashing into the two other cars.
The black Honda accelerated around the mess. The tinted passenger
window lowered slightly.
"Clear the roadblock! Clea..."
Officers lept out of the way as the car tore through the stop barriers.
----------
leapt
That's one of my favorite misspellings, but my spellchecker always nails
me on it. I'm finally starting to learn. ^_^
----------
Several of the officers whipped out their revolvers and attempted to
shoot the tires out, but missed.
The black car made a radical s-turn as it avoided the nail strips
beyond
the barrier.
A cigarette butt dropped to the pavement as the car departed.
---
"WHAT?!!!?"
Yuriko blanched as Natusmi fumed and cursed, "We... lost the car. It
punched a hole in our roadblock."
-------
What, not realistic swearing? I thought that was necessary now! ^_^
(Sorry... couldn't resist. This is a good example of how characters
swear without offending anyone.) ^_^
-------
"Grrrrrr. Ouch! You gotta be more careful with that bandage..."
Yuriko withdrew the gauze and placed it more gently on a scrape across
Natsumi's face.
The Captain came up behind the two ladies.
"How are you ladies holding up?"
Natsumi gave the Captain the gaze of death.
-------
For those taking notes, the Gaze of Death is one of the most ancient of
martial (not to mention marital) arts. It doesn't actually result in
the death of the victim, but generally they WISH they were dead. As a
side note, this is one technique that Akane Tendo has down much better
than her fiancee Ranma. ^_^
-------
"You didn't catch him."
*sigh* The Captain was having a long day.
"No. Our barricade failed. I came to inform you that I am going to
the
hospital to go see officer Kobayakawa. Do you wish to come along?"
Natsumi looked down at the ground.
"I failed her. I should have seen that car. I can't face her right
now. I'm her partner! I was supposed to watch her back!"
"No. You did not 'fail' her. The criminal seems intent on harming
someone. From Nakajima's account, you attempted to shield the
children. Kobayakawa understands what the priorities are in that kind
of situation."
"There had to be some way to protect the kids and save her too!"
The Captain put his hands on her shoulder.
"You did the best that you could in that situation. There really isn't
much more to discuss. Shall we go see Kobayakawa?"
---
The Captain and Natsumi rode the hospital elevator in relative silence.
The only sound was the crackling of the fluorescent light.
"Where is Kenny? I thought..."
"He went ahead of us. He was quite... insistent."
"Ooooooh. Are you as... insistent, Captain?"
A very faint blush spread across the Captain's face as he stiffened up
and stared at the elevator door.
"Ah... I don't know what you are talking about, Officer Tsujimoto."
*ding*
The doors opened, much to the Captain's relief.
---
Miyuki brightened a bit when Natsumi entered the room.
"Hi Natsumi! I'm not looking that good am I."
Natsumi drawled in a light voice, "Actually it's not too bad, Miyuki.
You just got a mild concussion and a few contusions. No broken bones
or
anything like that. Now you know how I felt like when I fell off my
bike."
"Oh thanks, Natsumi. That makes me feel soooo much easier. You look
like you were kinda scraped up."
-------
makes me feel easier?
That only makes sense if she's saying she's more ready than ever to
sleep with someone. ^_^
how about "That makes me feel soooo much better." ^_^
-------
"It's just a scratch. Heh. Looks like Nakajima is a bit bushed."
Nakajima Ken was dozing off on a chair in the corner. A little trickle
of drool dripped out of the corner of his mouth onto his shirt. A tall
glass with a few roses was on the table by his chair.
"Shhh... He's real tired. He came running in here earlier with the
roses and some tea. He was so nervous, I thought he was going to spill
the tea all over."
"Awwww. Kenny brought you roses? He is a softie at heart after all."
"Hey! Don't call him Kenny..."
The Captain walked in with a sheaf of papers.
"So, Nakajima's asleep on the job, eh?"
Nakajima woke up with a start.
"Um. Ah. Captain!"
"I forgive you this time. Your new order is to keep company with Miss
Kobayakowa from tonight until her release from the hospital in a few
days. You are to cater to her every needs. Do you understand?"
--------------
cater to her every need.
(or)
cater to all of her needs.
(every is singular. You say "all things" but you don't say "every
things".)
--------------
"Yes sir!"
"Here is a list of things you need to pick up."
The Captain dropped the sheaf of paper into Nakajima's outstretched
hands.
Yoriko chose this moment to enter the hospital room.
"Hiya Miyuki! Hiya Captain! Hiya Natsumi! Hiya Ken!"
"Hi Yuriko!"
"I believe I will leave you ladies, and Nakajima alone for a while. I
have some work to attend to."
The Captain strode out of the room.
"Oooooh Kenny! You have to cater to her 'every needs', huh? So
whatcha
gonna make him do, Miyuki? Huh huh? Whatcha gonna do?"
---------
every need
----------
Nakajima shriveled a bit in his seat as the three women gave him a look
strangely akin to a lion before it dives into a heard of gazelle.
strangely akin to that of a lion
or
strangely akin to the look of a lion
Their look is like the look of a lion... not like the lion itself. ^_^
"Hmmm... I don't know... what do you two think?"
The three women looked at each other and laughed.
-------
No real suggestions here, just a note that this is... not as snappy of a
scene ending as most of the others, I guess. Does that make sense? ^_^
-------
---
Natsumi and Ken walked out of the elevator into the hospital's garage.
"So, whatcha got on the list, Ken?"
"Ah. I have to get some items for Miyuki."
"Doesn't that require getting into our apartment?"
"Oh. I suppose so. You need a ride home, right?"
"Sure. By the way, what did Miyuki tell you anyhow?"
Nakajima reddened a bit.
"Ah. She had a personal request to make... I really can't tell you
too
much."
"Hmmm. I'll have to get it out of Miyuki later..."
---
As the two officers drove out of the garage, a black Honda sped across
the intersection.
"Ken! The Honda! It's him!"
"Bokuto Station, this is Nakajima. I have spotted a black Honda Civic
with racing modifications. It matches the vehicle from earlier today.
I am with officer Tsujimoto. Permission to pursue?"
"Roger. This is Bokuto Command. Permission to pursue is granted.
Back
up has been notified."
"You up to a little chase, Natsumi?"
"You betcha! Let's ride!"
The Honda quickly dodged down into a narrow side road.
Houses and fences whipped by as the bike gained on the car.
The Honda swayed back and forth in an attempt to block the bike.
The road opened up more as it joined up with another street.
The bike accelerated along beside the car. Nakajima booted the door a
couple of times, while the car tried to smash him into the passing
buildings.
--------
"along beside" is a strange combination of words. I'd go with
"alongside" or "up beside" or, really, anything else but those two words
together.
On a side note... why is a motorcycle cop trying to do more than chase a
car? Well, it IS Nakajima, I suppose, but... not something I'd want to
try!
--------
"Whoo hoo! Geronimo!"
Natsumi leaped onto the car and proceeded to pry the sunroof off. She
ducked her head inside.
-------
Speaking of things I wouldn't want to try....
-------
"Hiya, Mr. Criminal! Welcome on board the Natsumi Express! It's a one
way ride to jail! Have a very nice day."
She then climbed over the hood and stuck her legs out in front of the
car, using her shoes to brake on the pavement. The car swerved, tossing
Natsumi to the side and then plowed into a stone wall on the side. The
back trunk of the car popped open and some fuel started to leak.
---------
She did what? Now... that makes just jumping onto the car look like a
positively safe and sane manuever. Why didn't she just grab the
steering wheel or something? Not dramatic enough? ^_^
---------
Nakajima stopped his cycle to check on Natsumi.
"I'm all right! Go get that guy, Kenny!"
The man ducked out of the car, dropping a burning cigarette. He
grabbed
a mini cycle out of the trunk and gave it a running start. The car
burst into flame behind him, barring Nakajima's way for a few precious
seconds.
"Crap! You aren't getting away this time."
As the man buzzed away on his mini cycle, a familiar red car pulled out
in front of him from a nearby alley. The little bike smacked into the
hood of the car and did an endo that flung the man into a nearby trash
heap. The little Mini quickly went into reverse, back into the alley.
-------
did an endo? As in end over end, I take it? Never heard that one
before. ^_^
-------
Natsumi and Nakajima came up to the trash heap. Natsumi glanced into
the side alley but wasn't able to see any signs of the ERA mini.
Nakajima leaned over the barely conscious figure.
"How did you like being hit by a car, hmm? It's not so great when it's
the other way around is it? Heh heh. You know, I'm going to throw the
book at you and thoroughly enjoy it. Let's tally off the various laws
you've broken..."
--------
"In fact, I'm going to throw the book RIGHT THROUGH YOU!!! There's
going to be a gaping, book-sized hole in you when I'm done! People will
look at you and say, "That man's a criminal, you can see where the book
was thrown right at him! See, that big hole in the middle? Let that be
a lesson to you, son -- never try to thwart the law, or that could
happen to you, too!"
Oh... ah... sorry, don't know what came over me. ^_^
--------
A fire engine and another couple of patrol cars arrived with a wail of
sirens.
---
A week later.
"So, you are feeling better now. Good! Have a little more tea, dear."
Miyuki and Natsumi were having lunch at the local temple.
"Mmmm. You sure know how to make a girl feel better, Osho."
"Oh, thank you Natsumi. It's just some tea."
"Well, thank you for inviting us for lunch, sir."
"I should thank you two for coming, Miyuki."
"Well, we have to get back to the station. Duty calls."
"Bye ladies! Good luck at work!"
The two ladies walked back to the patrol car.
"What did you tell Kenny?"
"I'm not telling."
"Fine fine. I'll just tell Yuriko�"
"You wouldn't dare! Natsuuuumiiiii!"
---
Osho brought the tea tray back inside the temple.
He then went to the back of the temple and picked up a rubber mallet
and
a block of wood.
He kneeled down and petted the little cat that was rubbing against his
leg.
"Ah. They do come through these trials of life quite well don't they."
*whack* *whack* *thump* *thump*
Osho wiped his brow, and then resumed pounding out a large dent in the
side fender of his mini.
"You, on the other hand, seem to have gotten the worst of this
adventure. I suppose it's a small price to pay for the safety of the
people."
*****
(1) "Ram and slam" is a method in which police play bumper cars with a
speeding car. They box the car in on at least three sides (the front
and two sides and the back if possible). They then brake in unison.
Nice story, well written. This is the sort of story that would probably
make a good episode. Mind you, you don't really do anything new or
introduce any new character development, so it would be one of those
episodes that you enjoy, but which don't add a lot to your understanding
of the series. I liked the story, and I think you write well, and it's
tightly plotted, so that's my only real complaint -- by the end, nothing
new or different or original has occured. That's not really bad,
either, but if you wrote ten stories like it, I'd get bored quickly.
Next time, try to work in a little more character development, or shake
up the series a little more to see how the characters react to new
situations. ^_^