Gary Kleppe wrote:

Chris Crawford <Ryoga@Norfolk-County.com> wrote:

Any comments or insults please be short. DOMO ARIGATO GOZAIMESU

Okay...

First of all, dialog. A lot of yours just doesn't sound natural for the
characters. Try to picture the scenes in your mind, or even read them
out to yourself aloud, and ask yourself what the character would really
say in the situation.

I'll work on it.

Characterization. Contrary to fanfic cliche, Akane and Ranma don't
constantly fight over cooking, and she doesn't beat him up all the time
for no particular reason. If you don't believe me, read the manga.

Well is I i said in the end of the fic, everything works around 4 stories:
Ryoga,Kuno's,Mousse and shampoo and then Ranma and Akane..
I start with akane being angry at ranma for opening his big mouth and let
ranma continue. Though I now think that it might have been little excessive.
I shall tone it down

As for your new character, he so far shows no personality, and doesn't add

anything to the story that I can see. Why is he there?

He is one of the two characters that will be wondering thought all four
stories. He will be a major in the mousse and shampoo story. While the other
character will be a major part in the ranma and akane storie.Pluss he look
like me ^_^

Plot. You're spending too much time on stock scenes. We already know
that Ryoga gets lost a lot.

It not to show how lost ryoga is, it to show that there are others that are
just as lost

Get to what makes *your* story unique as soon as possible. THEN you can
work in the standard bits, and they'll probably be more interesting that
way.

I grant you this.. I spent more time on the other character then i did on
ryoga. I really should have focused on Ryoga. It should be correct by the
next part.

Culture. While I can accept a certain amount of westernization in a fic,
the gun-happy redneck is an American stereotype that you just wouldn't run
into in Japan, especially Tokyo.

What gun?

On the bright side, you *did* do a pretty decent job of writing da
Principal's speech patterns, which is something you don't see often.

Supah!

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

--
"Who knows where darkness grows? Humans do."