HI,
I'm back. ^_^
just a little C&C. ##
--- Maddocks <Maddocks@roadrunner.nf.net> wrote:
Note: In part four I called a character Mrs.
Delmi who should have
been called Mrs. Makay.
Also: I have recieved C and C on my fic and I
still want to recieve
C and C's. But whoever reads this could you please
send me what you
think of the fic's pot. Enjoy!
............................................................................
..................................................
And so it
begins.............
Eric looked at Andrew and Sarah, smiling. �Well let�s
have a look at
this.� Eric typed a little more and moved his mouse
around.
Andrew and Sarah looked at Eric in wonder of what
he�s going to look
at. But Andrew was the first to ask. �So what do you
want to go into?�
##just a little awkward. I suggest changing so that it is clearer.
Eric closed his eyes and moved around the mouse.
�I shall let fate
decide.� He then stopped on the red bar with the blue
words on it.
�Project B.A.D.�
He clicked the mouse on it and Andrew and Sarah
looked at the
screens. Big words popped up on the screen in green.
They read, �Project
B.A.D.� But there were smaller words under it telling
what the acronym
stood for. �Biological agent distributation.�
##Good. I liked this part. (minor nit-pick. I'd change the following.
�Project B.A.D.�
But there were smaller words under it telling
what the acronym
stood for. �Biological agent distributation.�
## "Project: B.A.D.
There were smaller words under it, "Biological Agent Distribution."
Eric and the other moved there head�s back in
##their (boy I sound just like I can spell. ^_^)
wonder. Eric was first
to talk this time. �What the hell is this?�
Andrew shook his head. �I don�t know but let�s
find out. Sounds like
some sort of conspiracy from TV or something.�
Eric and Sarah nodded as Eric moved the cursor
over to the words
which read. �Purpose.� He clicked on it just to
reveal a few simple
sentences. �To save mankind through biological
agents. A branch of
project LIFE.�
##Hey, now THIS is getting interesting. Should have happend much SOONER.
This gets peoples attention. You might want to think about re-writing so
THIS comes first. THEN the bit with the labratory.
Eric clicked backwards not bothering to check
what the others
thought. He didn�t care because this was too weird
already. He then
moved the cursor over to specimen A large file opened
up from specimen
0001-0013. He clicked on 0001. And read the opened
file. �Specimen 0001
died instantly after injection of chemical 31245.
Chemical 31245 froze
his blood within 0.2 of a millisecond of injection."
Eric could feel the surprise and disgust from
what they had read.
##Why disgust??? I read it and I didn't feel disgust. I suggest either
adding some 'disgusting' <bg> detail or leaving out the disgust. Also you
might add a bit more to make it 'surprising. Otherwise starting to move
along. ##
Soon Eric moved to specimen 0002. He then read,
�Specimen 0002 died
slowly from chemical 23453 being consumed. Within 33
second�s specimen
exploded leaving a green blood mixture in his wake.
Some alterations are
needed for correct results. Eric was about to throw
up but he moved onto
specimen 0003.
##OK, again a minor nit-pick. If Eric is about to throw up either MORE
disgusting detail (NOT what I would do ) OR SUGGEST the discusting stuff.
As it is now there seems little reason for anyone to be upset.
�Specimen 0003 was injected with chemical 43561.
Strength increased
by 8000%, but intelligence decreased by almost as
much making him less
intelligent then most early primates. He broke out of
his cell within
three seconds but was shot down before any major harm
was done.� Eric
was feeling worse and worse but continued with 0004.
##OK, now THIS is a reason for Eric to feel bad.
�Specimen 0004 was injected chemical 66666, the
black blood.
Specimens died of the black plaque, cancer and small
pox within eight
minutes.� Eric was feeling worse and hoped Andrew and
Sarah were as
well. He moved onto specimen 0005.
�This one was closer then the rest. We released
chemical 66667 into
the chamber in gaseous state. He survived for three
weeks before being
ripped apart atom from atom by the chemical.� Eric
then went to 0006,
0007, 0008, 0009, 0010 and then 0011. Each one was as
bad as the last
but then 0012 caught his eye.
�This is just one step away from our goal. His
lungs can breath over
twenty toxic gasses. His eyesight and physical
strength has increased.
His agility and intelligence have almost doubled!
Though there are some
drawbacks. His eyes are extremely sensitive to light
and his pupils are
now red. Heartbeat has also decreased by 80%. The
specimen needs one
blood transfusion once every twenty-four hours.� Eric
was curious and
looked over at Sarah and Andrew who were turning pale
with everything
they had read, and Eric thought he was turning that
colour as well.
Now he was at the end of the specimens 0013.
�This subject was not
as successful as 0013 but has a few extra abilities.
He was injected
with chemical 10234, a improved version of chemical
66667. First of all
he has the ability to alter his shape to fit
anything, though he doesn�t
take on any characteristic of the object he has
morphed into. Second he
can regenerate lost limbs. Third his cranial capacity
has increased
eight folds with all other attributes. We are
just-one-step away from
out goal.� Eric stopped reading and went into the
table of contents. He
then clicked on Visage.
The
end of Part: 4
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.................................................
I hope you enjoyed my
fic! so far.......
##OK, MUCH better. Chapter needs to be longer. And you could stand to add
more detail when describing what Eric is reading. Perhaps you can find some
descriptions of animal research at the library and use that as a basis .
After all, this is what is happening, research on human subjects. Or you
might be able to find someting on-line. These details make the story more
interesting. And more frightening. Maybe Stephen King, or my favorite Dean
Koontz. I don't know it R.L. Stine has written anything using animal
research but if he has that would be another good source. Over all VERY
INERESTING. This is a keeper. Much improved. Blending description and
action.
IMO This should be the start. It grabs the readers attention. In fact you
could BLEND this chapter with what you now have as chapter one. Eric is on
line reading while the Scientist is describing his research. Switch back
and forth between the two locations. Eric is reading.....then go to the POV
of the scientist. Perhaps you could have the 'experiment' escape WHILE Eric
is on-line. He could get the report in Real-Time. This adds to the
excitement. (just a thought.) At any rate this is a GOOD chapter.
^_^
ps I'll try to keep C&Cing but having this much free time is RARE. I'll try
to keep reading.