Greetings and salutations,
Seems to be my day for reading and C&C. Guess that is what comes
from trying to avoid writing a homework assignment. First off, I
don't know a whole lot about the Urasei world so I can't comment on
how IC or OOC someone is in that area.
I also don't know if someone else has pointed all of these out yet so
feel free to disregard anything.
A few things I noticed:
Nodoka thanked the receptionist and led her family to the appropriate
office. Reaching room 204, she smartly knocked on thedoor.
Need a space between 'the door' and I'm really glad she didn't knock
dumbly. ;>
"So, you agree to keep this quiet?" Mr. Nakamura asked carefully. Genma
and Mrs. Moroboshi nodded their heads vigorously.
You seem to have Genma and Nadoka down pat. :) Course, I don't know
that even Genma would be that much of a bastard...
I can sort of see Nadoka giving up Ranma as she hasn't known him all
that long, but Genma always seemed to watch out for his son, even if
he did get him into all the trouble to begin with.
"As for you, Lum-chan, I am sorry. Ataru, as our child, had no right
to engage himself to anyone. This joining of our clans was agreed to
before he was born," Nodoka continued.
Extra space before "As for you
"Oh yes, my son. All three of the Tendo girls are beautiful," Nodoka
replied, smiling at Ataru's enthusiasm. (He seems manly enough,) she
thought.
Same as before. And LOL, Nadoka's gonna love Ataru.
Akane smiled and shook here head. "You never change, do you, Nabiki?"
The girls heard the front door slide open and Akane rose expectantly
>from the table.
Another space.
Ignoring the insults that were being directed towards her beloved, Lum
gasped in realization. "Ranma! You were engaged to someone before this
too, weren't you?"
"Yeah," Ranma softly replied, looking away from the two Oni.
Need an extra line in there. And at least Ranma is getting over his
shock and trying to figure out how to fix things. :)
"It's. . . a strange curse; but not a whole stranger than anything else
that occurs around here."
whole lot stranger
"I wonder if it help me in my Girl-Hunt. . ." Ataru scratched his chin,
a thoughtful look on his face.
if it will help
"This is very necessary, Son. I started training Ranma before he was
old enough to even walk! We have a lot of catching up to do if you are
going to be my heir."
Too many spaces between the first and second sentences.
"It's definitely a possibility. In that event, we must be prepared to
comfort Lum in her loss. Then, after a suitable period of time, I will
try to fill the gap in her heart, the gap created by being widowed so
young." Megane sighed dramatically.
Extra space at start of sentece.
"What are you talking about?" Lum asked, blinking in surprise.
Ditto.
"Lover's suicide?" Lum demanded. Electricity started dancing around her
body. "Who said anything about suicide?"
Extra spaces.
"The pig-tailed girl -is- a goddess," Kuno explained. "Her beauty
outshines even the sun! With each passing moment, her innocence,
purity, and strength make me yearn for the day when she will finally be
mine!"
Again, before first word.
I'm guessing at this point that the Hospital is going to call again
and say it was all a big mistake, yet again. We'll see though.
Lum calmed down and blushed slightly. "Sorry about that, Ranma. I
just wish. . . everyone didn't hate Darling as much as they do."
Extra space before Lum.
"Sure thing, Akane, and say hi to Ranma-kun for me."
Extra space before "Sure.
The roar of a very familiar engine interrupted Ranma's thoughts. He
stopped walking and looked up to once again see Benten's air bike flying
overhead. She was flying around rather erratically, and black smoke
You've got three spaces before that last sentence.
more comfortable position, one arm under her legs, while the other
supported her back.
They continued to ascend for a few more seconds, then Ranma looked down
past Benten, and tightened his hold on her. "Hold on," he said. Benten
Needs an extra line.
"One of us has to marry him! Can you imagine being engaged to an idiot
like that?" Akane asked.
Extra space.
"Hmph. He doesn't having anything on Ranma," Akane replied, realizing
too late what she had said.
Mwahahahahahaha, that's too funny. :)
"Oh, I see. I hope who ever attacked Ataru is gone, I really don't have
enough food for a guest tonight," Kasumi fretted.
whoever
Looking forward to part four. :) At this point, we have Shampoo with
the only valid claim, Akane misunderstanding something yet again, and
Ukyou just generally pissed off. Fun stuff to look forward to, heh.
Warr
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Episode 214: Chef Aid - The German Dance
I will do the German dance for you.
It's fun and gay and fun to do
I hope you will enjoy my song
Sweetly, I feel lucky.
Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?
Would you like some sauerkraut?
Bon appetit.